Introducing a New eCourse for Kinksters: Dom Sub Training

Dom sub training BDSM ecourse online

If you subscribe to Dom Sub Living elsewhere, then you may have already heard about “Dom Sub Training”.  Either way, I wanted to formally introduce it to everyone here on the blog. I’m really excited about this!

Back when I was trying to decide what kind of eCourse to create, I sent out a survey to my email subscribers, asking them what they were having trouble with. More than anything, it seemed like my readers were struggling with wanting a mentor and coach they could trust, and finding a long-term partner they connected with. Meanwhile, my Dom and I were having an amazing relationship that kept getting better and better…and it was all thanks to BDSM.

So, when it came time to decide what kind of eCourse I’d create, I knew that a course about maximizing the power of BDSM is just what my readers needed.

But this isn’t just a course about BDSM. This step-by-step training is about how to start living the 24/7 lifestyle you always wanted RIGHT NOW.

I’ve figured out how to use BDSM to get more fulfillment in my life without all the drama. Actually, using the strategies that I’ve put into this course, my Dom and I are able to stop wasting time struggling with the challenges of a 24/7 relationship. Instead, we enjoy effortless communication and a mind-blowing sex life.

“Dom Sub Training” isn’t just about having a lot of kinky sex though.  It’s about getting all the information you need to become a satisfied BDSM expert, and having a detailed plan to make it all happen.

You can check out everything that’s in the course (including all of the bonuses!) right here.

 

Get your FREE guide: “9 Keys to an Amazing BDSM Lifestyle”



Enter the Dom Sub Living Giveaway

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I’m so excited to be giving away two amazing products from my friends at Luxurious Bliss! Take a look at what you could win:

    • Fuzzy 1 Ring Slave Collar in Black Cherry
    • Set of Black Fuzzy Cuffs

Their collar is the SAME collar my Dom and I use for playing. It’s extremely comfortable and very durable. 

Click the button and enter to win!

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Exactly How to Master Sub Maintenance

When a Dominant or submissive is starting out in BDSM, they’re usually feeling very excited about their new lifestyle.  But after some time passes the realities of life begin to set in. A Dom and sub may become busy and start to put their roles on the back burner. What can keep a sub eager to serve and also prevent a Dom from neglecting their partner? The answer is “sub maintenance”.  When you hear the term “sub maintenance” most people think only of spankings, but there is so much more involved.  Keep reading to learn exactly how to master sub maintenance.

Sub maintenance spankings submissive Dom

Yes, maintenance spankings are necessary

Maintenance spankings seem to be debated a lot in the BDSM community.  Some feel that it’s cruel because it’s just hitting a sub without a real reason. But maintenance spankings do have a real reason.  They are to remind the sub who is in control, and the pain can be something for their mind to refocus on.  Maintenance spankings are only OK if the sub has consented to receiving pain, and it’s agreed upon in your contract.

How to make it work:  Maintenance spankings don’t have to be as hard as punishment ones, but they should be intense and long enough to “snap” a sub back into their role.  As for how often? I think a good rule is if the sub hasn’t had a spanking in three days then they’re due for one.  You could add a separate section in your journal just to keep track of spankings.

Keep the orgasms coming

Orgasms are wonderful.  They release powerful neurotransmitters and help lower stress.  Keeping a sub “regulated” can help them have more stable emotions and in turn help them to be more obedient.  And when a sub is able to help her Dom reach orgasm it makes her feel useful and needed.

How to make it work: Decide together what each partner requires in terms of the frequency of orgasms.  Some people need it only once a week, others need it daily.  Once you’ve figured out each other’s requirement, make sure to put fulfilling that need at the top of your list.

Journaling is essential to maintenance

A journal is a submissive’s safe place to write down whatever they want.  In a life full of control and submission, it can be their only outlet to vent their feelings freely.  Journaling can be very therapeutic.  It also gives the Dom a glimpse into their sub’s mind so he can better understand her.  In order for this all to happen though, a sub should always feel safe to write anything in their journal without fear of being punished.

How to make it work:  Just like with spankings and orgasms, journaling needs to be done regularly.  I recommend once a week at the least, but it can be done daily too.  If the sub doesn’t have time to write a whole page they can be given a simple sentence to finish, like, “Today I feel ___________, because ___________.  If the sub has more time then the Dom can provide writing prompts.

Submissive Journal Writing Prompts

The sub’s health should be a priority

If a submissive is in good health they will be able to perform at their best physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually. Also, a  sub is property owned by someone else, and as such they are a direct representation of their Dom.  This will cause a sub to take great pride in the health and presentation of their bodies.  However, it is also the Dom’s responsibility to make sure his property is in the best condition. Focus should be on what I like to call the “Holy Trinity”: sleep, diet, and exercise. 

How to make it work:  This will take a lot of self-discipline on both of your parts, but it can be accomplished. Here are some tips that have helped my Dom and me:

  • Set an alarm for when you need to get ready for bed, factoring in time for play sessions.
  • Set another alarm for when you need to be in bed, going to sleep.
  • Don’t use any electronic screens for an hour before bed.
  • Plan your meals the day before and stick to a calorie limit.
  • Focus on eating vegetables, fruits, whole grains, beans, and nuts
  • Drink lots of water, at least 10 cups a day.
  • Schedule your workouts for the whole week.
  • Try to exercise in the morning rather than the evening so you’re more likely to stick to it.

It will take a lot of trial and error, but just continue to make adjustments.  Don’t give up!

A Dom shouldn’t focus just on punishments

Just as with a child, a sub may get discouraged if they’re only told what they did wrong. While discipline and punishments are huge in a BDSM relationship, rewards are very important too.  Rewards help reinforce good behavior.  They also let the sub know they are pleasing their Dom and that they are a “good girl” (or “good boy”).

How to make it work:  A Dom should commend his sub for at least one thing everyday.  When the sub has been especially good the Dom can give her a reward, big or small, depending on the behavior. Some ideas include:

  • A massage or pedicure
  • Extra time on the internet
  • A special food treat
  • Extra snuggle time
  • Being allowed to make certain choices, like where to go out for dinner
  • A new stuffie
  • Getting to sleep in an extra hour

Maintaining submission may be difficult as time passes in a relationship, but it’s not impossible.  In fact if you apply the strategies I mentioned in this article it can become quite easy.  So make spankings, orgasms, and journaling a regular part of your lifestyle, and focus more on health and rewarding good behavior, and you will master sub maintainence too. 🖤

Keep reading:  Create better play sessions »

What challenges have you faced with sub maintenance?  Let me know in the comments.

Get your FREE guide: “9 Keys to an Amazing BDSM Lifestyle”



5 Essential Scene Strategies for Your Next Play Session

scene ideas dominant dom BDSM meaning definition play session etiquette

The word “scene” comes up a lot in the kink community. Many people however will sometimes misuse this term.  The real definition of a scene is a BDSM activity or encounter that involves a Dominant and submissive. It may also be referred to as “play” or “session,” but it doesn’t have to involve sexual activity.  If you’re new to the lifestyle though, or even if you’ve been playing for a while, you’ve probably wondered, “Am I doing it right?”  Well I have some fun ideas to help you with scene etiquette and structure so you can bring more meaning to your next play session.  Don’t forget to download your free PDF, based on some of my scenes with my Dom, here.

scene ideas dominant dom BDSM meaning definition play session etiquette

Know your BDSM scene etiquette

No matter how many years of experience you do or don’t have, you should always follow proper scene etiquette.  This is especially true if you’re playing with strangers at dungeons or clubs.  Good communication beforehand can help both parties relax so that they can focus on enjoying the session.  Here are some things to keep in mind:

Scene etiquette doesn’t have to be too complicated, and once you’ve been playing with someone for a while it becomes second nature.  But it is good to revisit it from time to time, to make sure you’re playing correctly and safely.

The Dom should have everything ready

This is huge because it will kill the mood if you have to go fumble looking for rope or lube halfway during a scene.  One thing my Dom likes to do is lay out everything on the bed when we start.  This serves two purposes:  One- it puts everything within reach so it’s easily accessible, and two- it creates anticipation and makes me think about what he’s going to do to me.  Another thing you could do is put everything in a toy box and have it nearby so you can simply grab it.  Just make sure everything is organized and easily accessible.

Have a beginning, middle, and end

Your scene doesn’t have to have a plot like a BDSM porno movie, but you should have a general plan of how things will progress.  Having a good sequence also keeps you from just doing things randomly without a purpose in mind. It also makes the submissive confident that the Dominant knows what they’re doing.  Here are the basics of each part of a scene:

Beginning-  Sets the mood and builds anticipation.  This can be mostly verbal to start out with.  Light teasing is also good.

Middle-  More intense playing can start.  This may be where the sub begins to wonder if they will be able to last.  

End-  The Dom brings the sub back down gradually. Both of them may have already orgasmed. 

Want to see what this looks like in an actually play session? Download one here »

Build tension in your play session

This is what keeps a scene from becoming routine, even if you’re always playing with the same person.  Just like every story needs a conflict, so should every good BDSM play session.  This doesn’t have to be huge, like rape play, but there should be some element of tension.  Here are some ideas:

  • The sub could act a little bratty, or even just slightly resist.
  • The Dom could push the sub to the point of using a safeword like “yellow”.
  • The sub could be given a task to do, with consequences or rewards.

When thinking about ideas for building tension, try to do it not just physically, but emotionally too.  Which brings us to our next scene strategy:

For the Dominant: Create a sense of fear

When a sub is slightly afraid, their nervous system is more heightened.  This doesn’t mean they have to be genuinely scared, but there should be that fear of the unknown.  Not knowing what the Dom will do next will be a huge turn on for them.  The easiest way to achieve this is by taking away one or more senses.  The sub could be blindfolded, restrained in some way, given earphones with loud music, or even gagged.  The Dominant can then give pleasure or pain unexpectedly.  

I hope you loved learning about how to set up a scene.  Just remember:  your main goal should be for you and your partner to connect and enjoy each other.  So relax, apply the strategies in this article, and I know your next play session will be so much more intense.  Have fun playing!  🖤

What are some of your scene ideas? Let us know in the comments.

scene ideas dominant dom BDSM meaning definition play session etiquette

Up next:  What to do when you’re done playing »

5 Things You Need to Know About Consensual Non-Consent

One of the most controversial subjects in the BDSM community is consensual non-consent.  A lot of other blogs will tell you that in a Dominant/submissive (D/s) relationship, once you give your consent you cannot take it away.  And even though the fantasy of rape play is pretty common, it’s still a taboo topic.  What is the real meaning of consensual non-consent? Let’s take a closer look at what it is, plus I have some stimulating ideas to get you started.

Consensual Non-consent sex d/s fantasy ideas meaning

1.  Consensual non-consent meaning

The definition for consensual non-consent is a mutual agreement where the Dom is able to act as if the sub has waived all consent. Complete consent is given beforehand, with the understanding of it being a permanent arrangement under most circumstances.  The bottom line is that this is something the sub has willingly said they wanted.  The “non-consensual” part also means that sometimes the Dom may have to make the sub obey if she refuses.  Why would a sub, and especially a slave, say “no” if they already gave their total submission? Simply put, because subs and slaves aren’t robots.  They have feelings, needs, wants, and imperfections too.  They may disagree with the Dom, and voice it, but they still ultimately want to serve and be used.

If you’re still confused as to the meaning of consensual non-consent, here is what it means to me:

I like it even when I don’t like it.  I want it even when I don’t want it.

2.  Do you need Safewords?

Since trust is so important in consensual non-consent I would say that safewords are vital.  Safewords make everything clear.  Of course it’s a good practice for a Dom to remind a sub that they have safewords during an intense scene.  We usually think trust has to do with the sub trusting the Dom, but the Dom has to equally be able to trust their sub.  “No means no” in a court of law, regardless if it’s a D/s relationship, even if there’s a BDSM contract.  A Dom needs to know that the sub is completely willing, even if they’re yelling and crying for something to stop.  If you are in a 24/7 relationship you can discuss removing safewords in certain situations, like during punishments.

3.  Subdrop and Aftercare will be different

After a play session, a sub might act completely different if conensual non-consent was involved.  After a scene I usually like to cuddle, but if we did some forceful, hard playing I can’t stand to be held.  My Dom knows that it’s difficult for me to receive affection after consensual non-consent, so he’ll give me my space and just maybe rest a hand on my shoulder.  It’s not uncommon for a sub to get upset and angry, almost as if they were really abused.  This is because the mind and body are so connected.  If a sub’s body is abused in a non-pleasurable way, their mind will begin to associate with that emotionally.  During subdrop they will slowly start to feel safe and in control again.  It’s extremely important for the Dom to respect this and not get offended during this time, but to continue to provide aftercare.

d/s instructions definition kink aftercare sub drop kit

4.  Rape play is more than just fantasy

Many BDSM players may use the terms rape play and consensual non-consent interchangeably, but they are not the same thing.  Rape play is just one small aspect of it.  Even those in a vanilla relationship may have that fantasy.  For some victims of past abuse though, acting it out can be very therapeutic.  To them it can be a way to relive the experience, knowing that they now have the power to make it stop.  If you are going to engage in rape play with someone, make sure limits are clearly discussed.  For example, vaginal rape may be acceptable, but anal may not be.

5.   Ideas for D/s sex and beyond

There are many ways to engage in consensual non-consent, both sexual and non-sexual. If you are in a BDSM relationship, or even if you just play part-time, here are some ideas:

  • The Dom can dress up like an actually attacker (if they wear a mask, make sure at least part of the face is visible so the sub knows it’s not a real attacker)
  • Use rope to tie up the sub and gag them during sex
  • Enforce punishments that the sub will not like
  • Engage in pain play that tests the sub’s limits

Consensual non-consent is probably one of my favorite aspects of a BDSM lifestyle.  Sex can be so much more thrilling when you didn’t say yes.  Forcing someone to do something, or being forced yourself, can be very alluring.  I hope you get to enjoy this experience too.

Keep reading:   How to Play Safely »

How do you feel about consensual non-nonconsent?  Let me know in the comments.

Get your FREE guide: “9 Keys to an Amazing BDSM Lifestyle”



10 Ways to Have Better Aftercare

d/s instructions definition kink aftercare sub drop kit sub

During a BDSM scene or play session participants can experience a huge endorphin rush.  Intense pleasure or pain can cause a strong “high”, and it can be a shock when it is all over.  When emotions and endorphins come crashing down subdrop can occur.  Aftercare is what prevents this from happening.  It’s a way for those in a D/s relationship to calm down and slowly get back in touch with reality. If your aftercare has room for improvement, or worse, is nonexistent, then these ideas can help.

Want a free checklist to help you get the most out of aftercare?  Click the button bellow and send it to your partner too! 

d/s instructions definition kink aftercare sub drop kit

1.  Cover up

This is probably one of the most simplest things a Dominant forgets to do.  During a scene a submissive’s body temperature usually increases and afterwards it drops, making the sub cold and uncomfortable.  Before a Dom relaxes he should cover up the sub with a blanket.  If the sub was completely naked they are also probably feeling exposed and vulnerable and this simple act can help them feel at ease.  Plus, after a very intense session a sub is usually too exhausted to cover themselves up.

2.  Verbal reassurance

A sub craves to be told that they are good and that they did a good job.  When their Dom says those words to them, it helps them to emotionally relax.  It’s not uncommon for a sub to have doubts and insecurities after a session.  Knowing they have their Dom’s approval gives them immense satisfaction.  If there was rape play or consensual non-consent during a scene, then it is extremely important for the Dom to be caring and calm, even saying, “I love you,” if it’s appropriate for the relationship.

3.  Cuddle

Just like a sub can be verbally reassured, they can also be physically reassured.  When a Dom holds and cuddles a sub it helps them to feel safe and protected.  Other small ways to make contact include snuggling, petting, pats on the head, and forehead kisses.  Feeling their Dom’s strong arms around them can go a long way in helping establish a sense of security in a D/s relationship.

4.  Water

After an intense scene, both parties should rehydrate.  It is the Dom’s responsibility to get his sub a glass of water to drink.  Drinking water can help prevent headaches, muscles aches, and urinary tract infections. Having two glasses of water nearby before a scene starts is a good habit to get into.

5.  Clean up

BDSM scenes can be quite dirty.  Sweat, lubes, bodily fluids, wax- they all need to be cleaned up.  The Dom can get a towel and wipe up their sub and themselves.  He can also help straighten things back up and put away any toys and other implements.  Sometimes a shower may be needed and the Dom can help wash the sub.  This can be another opportunity to reconnect.

6.  First-aid

A sub may have marks and bruises from a hard and intense kink session.  The Dom can massage limbs that were tied up, and apply lotion to any other sore spots.  Some people swear by arnica cream but any lotion without menthol or alcohol is good.  My favorite to use is shea butter.  Advil (brought with the water from #4) can help prevent swelling and bruising.

7.  Stuffie

Stuffies, or stuffed toys, are another tool in providing aftercare.  Littles especially love stuffies, and having one to cuddle and recuperate with helps them cope and deal with loneliness.  A Dom should bring the stuffy to his little after a play session.  If the little doesn’t own a stuffie this is a good opportunity for the Dom to buy them one.

8.  Orgasm

This one is probably my favorite for obvious reasons.  It may be the farthest thing from their mind after a hard scene but an orgasm can help the sub calm down, and to refocus.  Being beaten and used is a very stressful thing to experience and an orgasm can help a sub release that.  Also the Dom may have already orgasmed and taking care of the sub can help them not feel neglected.

For a simple (and free!) aftercare kit checklist, just click the image below and it will be emailed to you instantly.

d/s instructions definition kink aftercare sub drop kit

9.  Discuss and recap

After all the previous steps have been taken, it’s good for a D/s relationship if both individuals discuss a scene after it’s over.  Doing all the relevant previous steps ensures that they are both calm and relaxed and can talk freely and openly.  This is a good time to figure out what went great, and what you’d like to try next time.

10.  Check-in the next day

Even if you’re married or in a long-term D/s relationship, next day communication is really important.  Subdrop can occur even days after a play session, so even a simple text or phone call can mean a lot.  Journaling can also help a sub to express their emotions productively, and the Dom can even assign a specific writing assignment based on the play session.  Get a FREE printable journal here »

A successful D/s relationship depends not just on hardcore scenes, but also on well planned aftercare.  As you can see, there are so many different ways to ensure that this happens.  Communicate what you need and want afterwards, and the play sessions are sure to keep getting better and better.  🖤

What’s your favorite aftercare technique?  Let me know in the comments.

Keep reading:  How to go from vanilla to BDSM »

Get your FREE guide: “9 Keys to an Amazing BDSM Lifestyle”



The Ultimate Guide to a Safe BDSM Lifestyle

In the BDSM community there is a saying: Safe, Safe, Consensual. Whether you are new to the Dom/sub lifestyle or have been playing for a long time, this is the foundation for any relationship. You should always follow these three principles and so should your partner.

safe dom sub lifestyle consent BDSM

Safe

There always needs to be a discussion of limits, both hard and soft.  Respect these at all times.  All effort should be made to make a scene as safe as possible, especially for the Dominant setting it up.  Examples include:

  • Having scissors nearby to quickly cut ropes that are too tight, cable ties, etc.
  • Agreeing beforehand a safe gesture instead of a word if choking is acceptable.  And if the gesture involves the arms/hands, having these free at all times during choking.
  • Taking steps to avoid severe burns and fires during wax play.

Of course there are MANY more safety issues but the point is they need to be communicated, identified, and prevented.  Nobody wants an embarrassing visit to the emergency room or to have to call the fire department.

BDSM LIFESTYLE FORM

Sane

Both the Dom and the sub should be adults in a sound state of mind.  Even though BDSM is a form of therapy for some, if there are severe mental health issues present make sure to address them with a professional. Also under the principle of “Sane”: Don’t do anything stupid! For example, if you want to play rape, don’t kidnap your partner in public and attack them. You will most likely end up in jail.

Consensual

This is probably the core of BDSM and what many vanillas  cannot wrap their heads around.  All parties involved need to WANT this. Even with consensual non-consent there should be a prior discussion.  Hopefully this involves a contract or at the very least safewords. No one should ever reluctantly practice BDSM just to make someone else happy.  From simple kink to Total Power Exchange, from playful spankings to hardcore punishments, EVERYTHING has to be consensual.

Always keep and respect the three principles of SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual) .  They are what separates BDSM from criminal abuse or neurotic self-destructive behavior.  Have fun but make sure to always play responsibly. 🖤

Keep reading:  Enjoying bondage »

What does consent mean to you?  Let me know in the comments.

 

Get your FREE guide: “9 Keys to an Amazing BDSM Lifestyle”



The Ultimate Guide to Being a Submissive

Serving a Dominant is a very fulfilling lifestyle.  However, many submissive beginners are lost.  They don’t know what the role entails.  Many times they are just looking for someone to fix them, to make them feel more complete.  In all honesty though, being a sub is a lot of work, mentally, emotionally, and sexually.  How can they successfully meet the challenge?  Let’s consider what it truly means to be a good sub.

Submissive girl collar sub woman

What a submissive isn’t

First and foremost, a sub is not a doormat.  They have feelings and needs and so they shouldn’t serve apathetically or reluctantly.  A real Dom wouldn’t want a doormat anyway.  They want someone who truly desires to be owned.  Being a sub also isn’t consenting to being abused.  Unlike BDSM, abuse has no limits or safewords.  If you are a sub, be very careful not to give your submission to just anyone.  True submission has to be earned first.  There are many bad Doms out there, and even predators pretending to be Doms.

What is a sub?

The definition of a submissive is an obedient, compliant person who likes to give up control.  They crave being used and need to serve.  They are the subservient partner of a relationship and that is why “sub” is always spelled with a lowercase while “Dom” is always capital.  A submissive can take on many different roles such as:

They strive to please their Dom in all things, not just sexually.  This means that they may have to give up some of their own personal freedoms and preferences.  It is not uncommon for a sub to have a mild and quiet personality. They are obedient, and accept discipline when needed.  Subs aim to conduct themselves  in a respectful and modest manner at all times, recognizing that their behavior is a direct reflection on their Dom.

BDSM LIFESTYLE FORM

Challenges to being submissive

Subs are not perfect; they will mess up from time to time.  There’s also the fact that in a 24/7 relationship there are stressors like full-time jobs and children.  It can be hard to work on behavior modification and serving someone else when you are tired and pressed for time.  Also a test to many is being obedient even when not in the presence of their Dom.  One challenge I have had to overcome as a submissive is topping from the bottom.  In the beginning I would rebel a little, or try to subtly undermine my Dom’s decisions.  I’ve learned that instead the best and simplest response I can give is, “Yes, Daddy.”  In the end it makes both of our lives so much easier.

How to be more submissive

A sub should always remember that they should be making their Dom’s life easier, not harder.  Proactively thinking what the Dom  needs in any given moment, and fulfilling it will bring him great pleasure.  One of the greatest ways a sub can do this is sexually of course, and so submitting to any requested act within one’s contract is a must.  They should also try to obey rules to the best of their ability, but if discipline is necessary they should take it willingly.  Wearing a collar, even a discreet one in public, can help keep a sub in the slave mindset.  They are property owned by someone else, and as such they are a representation of their Dom.  This will cause a sub to take great pride in the health and presentation of their bodies.  Ways they can do this are:

  • Getting sufficient sleep
  • Exercising regularly
  • Eating a healthy diet
  • Dressing properly
  • Having good hygiene and grooming

True submission is not just a role, it is a way of life.  Being a submissive means they are held to a higher standard, but it is all worth it.  They will receive the ultimate gift of a Dom’s complete approval.  ♥

Keep reading:  The Ultimate Guide to Being a Dominant »

What challenges have you or your partner faced with being a sub? Let me know in the comments.

Get your FREE guide: “9 Keys to an Amazing BDSM Lifestyle”



The Ultimate Guide to Being a Dominant

In the BDSM world, “Dominant” is a word that’s thrown around a lot.  Being a Dom can seem very appealing.  Most are men who want to be more dominant sexually in bed, but also in their relationships, and even in life in general.  Unfortunately, there are a lot of fake Doms out there.  How can you make sure you’re not acting like one?  Or if you’re a submissive, what should you look for in a Dom?  Let’s consider what it truly means to be a real Dom.

Sexually dominant dom man

What a Dominant isn’t

To start, let’s focus on some of the warning signs of a bad or fake Dom.  If they focus more on what they are getting than what they are giving that is a huge clue.  Of course the nature of a Dom can be somewhat selfish but they should always make sure that the sub is satisfied not just sexually, but emotionally and physically too.  Many new Doms latch onto the idea of getting sucked whenever they want, even in the beginning of new relationships.  But just like any relationship, trust needs to be earned.  A fake Dom may say things like, “You’re not really a sub,” or, “A good sub would do XYZ.”  If you’re a sub, don’t fall for it.  And if you’re a Dom, don’t say things like that unless the sub consents to being talked to that way.  Real emotional harm can be done.

What is a Dom?

The definition of a Dominant is an important, powerful person who likes to be in charge.  They crave obedience and need to be in control.  They tend to be the “Alpha Male,” and that is why “Dom” is always spelled with a capital while “sub” is always lowercase.  A Dominant can take on many different roles such as:

They strive to exercise control in all things, not just over their sub sexually.  This means that they have order in their own personal lives.  It is not uncommon for a Dom to have an obsessive-compulsive personality. They take great pride in the health of their bodies, their homes, vehicles, and jobs, knowing these all reflect on them. The Dom takes responsibility for the wellbeing and the proper training, guidance, and discipline of their sub.  The Dom also maintains a stable and safe environment in which their sub may perform their duties in service of the Dom.

BDSM LIFESTYLE FORM

Challenges to being Dominant

Doms are not perfect; they will mess up from time to time.  They can still apologize without appearing weak by just admitting what they did wrong and what they will do to fix it.  Doms shouldn’t lose their temper.  They can get mad and angry but they should always strive to be in control.  Another challenge a Dom may face is going against society’s rules of being kind and gentle towards women.  They’re supposed to be the “nice guy.”  Many men find it hard to be assertive in bed because of this.  They may feel guilty always taking, but a Dom needs to remember that subs want and need to be used sexually.  That doesn’t mean that a Dom can’t be giving in bed, but just being more assertive in that part of the relationship will help them fulfill their role.  Ways a Dom can do this are:

  • Holding their sub down during sex
  • Tying up their sub in bed so they are restrained
  • Telling their sub what to do sexually instead of asking
  • Delaying their sub’s orgasm to show they are in control of it

One challenge my Daddy said he had to overcome was being afraid he was being too strict and hard on me with punishments.  To be honest I don’t think he’s ever gone too far.  I know that if I ever did feel that way that is what safewords and my journal are for.  If anything, I think I get off too easily sometimes.

How to be more Dominant

A Dom’s body language and speech need to be powerful and in control. They should also look the part.  They don’t have to be a Christian Grey, but they should be fit, have good hygiene, be well dressed, and not sloppy. Doms should have good posture and stand tall, being above the sub, often making them sit below them or kneel.  A Dom should also talk confidently and be direct.  They wouldn’t ask, “Where would you like to go to dinner?”  They would say, “I’m taking you out to dinner.  Pick a place.”  One of my favorite things my Daddy does is tell me to make him coffee.  When we were vanilla he would ask me, “Do you think you can make me coffee please?”  Now he just tells me to do it and it always puts a smile on my face to perform this simple task for him.

How does a Dom train a sub?

Training a sub is a lot of work and not to be taken lightly.  It is a very rewarding process though. When a Dom trains a sub they are molding them to be a better version of themselves.  Behavior modification is achieved through maintaining structure and order.  Subs thrive on a set routine and rules and protocols can help a Dom provide that.  The sub should keep a journal so the Dom can get inside their head.  Punishments are usually necessary to help guide and correct them.  It takes constant effort, but It is a beautiful thing when the sub becomes exactly what the Dom desires.

True Dominance is not just a role, it is a way of life.  Being a Dominant means they are held to a higher standard, but it is all worth it.  They will receive the ultimate gift of a sub’s willing submission.  ♥

Keep Reading:  The Ultimate Guide to Being a Submissive »

What challenges have you or your partner faced with being a Dom? Let me know in the comments.

 

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3 reasons why you need to watch the “Secretary”

Secretary movie quotes

Probably one of the best BDSM movies (and definitely more realistic than 50 Shades of Grey) is the SecretarySecretary is a 2002 Indie film starring Maggie Gyllenhaal as Lee Holloway and James Spader as E. Edward Grey. The film explores the relationship between a dominant lawyer and his submissive secretary.  There is so much I love about this movie.  If you haven’t seen it I highly encourage you to watch it. Here are my top reasons why it’s one of the best BDSM films out there.

Secretary Movie Quotes

1.  “Secretary” explores the issue of self harm

After I had seen the trailer for the movie I just assumed it was about a kinky boss. I didn’t know anything about Lee being a cutter.  As a person who has been involved with self-harm also, it was very hard to watch the cutting scenes. I got a little angry at first, thinking the movie was just stereotyping submissives.  But then I started to think, “Maybe I’m not the only one, maybe there is a correlation.”  If you do practice self harm, or have in the past, I would love to hear about it in the comments.  A big part of the film’s story revolves around Lee’s cutting, so I loved that it talked openly about such a taboo topic.  The only part that was a little disappointing was when Edward tells her, “You will never, ever cut yourself again. Do you understand? Have I made that perfectly clear. You’re over that now. It’s in the past.” I thought it was a good response for a Dominant to say, but of course she never ends up cutting herself after he says it.  I thought that was a little unrealistic.

2.  It shows BDSM is deeper than just whips and chains

Secretary isn’t a mainstream erotic movie like 50 Shades of Grey.  I kept wondering why it was given an “R” rating until the very end when there was one sex scene.  Secretary explores what Dominance and submission can look like in real life, and how pain can be so fulfilling.  It also deals with obsessive compulsive disorders and the need for control.  Edward tells her how much to eat, and gives her tasks to do.  One I really liked was when he told Lee to go for a walk.  She obeyed and during her walk she said to herself, “When I thought about it, I realized I probably never had taken a walk alone. But because he had given me the permission to do this, because he insisted on it. I felt held by him as I walked alone. I felt he was with me.”  To me this really embodies the purpose of rituals and how meaningful they can be.  My favorite quote from the movie is when Lee is sitting at her boss’s desk, with her forearms on the table and she refuses to move.  Her ex-fiance asks her if she’s doing something sexual.  She replies angrily, “Does this look sexual to you?”  It’s a myth that BDSM is only sexual and that part really illustrated that it’s not.

3.  BDSM is never the problem that needs to be fixed

Secretary deals with kink like it’s completely natural, even in the scene where Edward treats Lee like a horse.  In an interview, director Steven Shainberg said he wanted to show that BDSM relationships can be normal.  He didn’t want to do a story where Lee overcomes her cutting and learns she doesn’t need pain anymore.  Lee says to herself at the end of the movie, “I feel more than I’ve ever felt, and I’ve found someone to feel with, to play with, to love, in a way that feels right for me.”  And Edward learns that his OCD behavior is not something he has to hide from Lee.  The director also said that they could’ve dealt with the  S&M material in a dark way, but they wanted the total opposite: they wanted to show that the nature of the relationship freed the characters to be their natural selves.  And in the end that’s what happens.  Lee and Edward live happily ever after, living their lifestyle 24/7.

I really hope that if you haven’t seen Secretary yet that you do so soon. It may give you a new perspective on what a BDSM relationship can be. You can watch it online through iTunes, Google Play, or Amazon Video.

Have you seen “Secretary”?  What’s your favorite BDSM movie?  Tell me in the comments.

Secretary Movie Quotes

Read more:  How to go from vanilla to Kink  »

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