Top BDSM Myths You Need to Know

Whether you are just curious about BDSM or you have been playing for a long time, you have probably encountered many myths about it.  Below are some of the top ones debunked.  These were originally featured in the newsletter for “Dom Sub Living” and more will continue to be added.

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bdsm myths

Myth: Real subs don’t have safewords

FACT: If a sub is new to BDSM or coming into a new relationship, it is a huge red flag if they say they don’t have safewords.  Safewords build trust and bring meaning into the relationship.  Be comfortable using them and you will experience greater pleasure.

Myth: BDSM is always sexual

FACT: During scenes it is not uncommon for there to be no sexual contact with the other person.  Also many find gratification in the nonsexual aspects of rituals and ageplay.

BDSM LIFESTYLE FORM

Myth: Ageplayers are Pedophiles

FACT: Pedophillia is having sexual feelings towards children, and a sub is a consenting adult.  A DaddyDom wants to be with HIS little girl, not little girls in general.

What myth do you hate hearing? Tell me in the comments.
Read more:  How to go from vanilla to BDSM and kink  »

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The Ultimate Guide to Keeping a Submissive’s Journal

Submissive Journal BDSM

In the beginning of my BDSM journey, I thought keeping a journal was a very vanilla thing to do.  “Shouldn’t I just tell my Daddy all my innermost feelings and ideas?” I thought.  I didn’t think a journal would be that useful for a submissive, but my Dominant wanted me to keep one so I obeyed.  Here is what I’ve learned along the way, plus some writing prompts to get you started.  Also, make sure to download your free template here.

Submissive Journal Writing Prompts

Why is a journal so important?

A journal is a submissive’s safe place to write down whatever they want.  In a life full of control and submission, it can be their only outlet to vent their feelings freely.  Journaling can be very therapeutic.  It also gives the Dom a glimpse into their sub’s mind so he can better understand her.  In order for this all to happen though, a sub should always feel safe to write anything in their journal without fear of being punished.  And if a sub is constantly asked, “Why did you write that?”, she’ll slowly stop writing for herself and more for pleasing her Master.  My journal has a list of rules at the beginning of it.  Here is a sample of it:

“Only the submissive can write here, unless she gives approval for the Dominant to respond in it.  All other responses of the Dom will be by email, text, or handwritten notes only.  The sub will not have to answer for anything she writes here, or be held accountable. The Dom can indirectly discuss any concerns he has but without referencing her journal.”

Journal rules and expectations can also be explained in a BDSM contract as well.

Ideas to get you started

The most traditional type of journal is a notebook, maybe kept in a sub’s nightstand where the Dom has access to it.  With technology now though there are a lot better alternatives.  I feel the best journal is a digital document that both parties share.  I keep a note on my phone entitled “Submissive’s Journal” that I have shared with my Dom.  The advantage to this is that he gets a notification on his phone as soon as I write a new entry.  That way I don’t have to wonder if he’s seen that I wrote something, and he doesn’t have to keep checking it.  You could easily do this in a Word or Pages document too.  If you are afraid someone else will accidentally read it you could also protect it with a password.  Journals can also be done online, or even as part of a blog.

Writing Prompts

Now that you know why to write and how to write, it’s time to figure out what to write. Basically a submissive can write anything they want as a reflection of what’s going on in their mind. If nothing is coming to you or you just need some fresh inspiration, here’s some examples to get you started:

  • What you like most about being a sub/slave/little.
  • The biggest challenges to being a sub/slave/little.
  • Positive things that happened during the day
  • Your favorite sexual things, or new things you want to try.
  • If you could change one thing about your current relationship what would it be
  • Read a post on domsubliving.com and journal your thoughts about it.
  • Your goals as a sub/slave/little
  • What you would tell your past-BDSM self

Of course one of the best ways to get ideas for journaling is for a sub to ask their Dom. I’m sure he would love to know his sub’s thoughts on many different subjects.

How often should a sub journal?

A submissive doesn’t have to journal every day (unless their Dom tells them to), but they should at the very least journal once a week. Journaling often can allow a sub to release their frustrations through writing, and it can keep them from acting out or behaving bratty.  It can catch and fix problems early. A sub shouldn’t only journal when they are upset and need to vent though. It’s also good for them to record positive things, so both the sub and the Dom can look back on their relationship with confidence.

A word for the Dom:

It is extremely important that your sub should always feel comfortable writing in their journal. It may be their only safe place they are allowed to vent, “cry”, or “scream”. If your sub senses that you are judging them because of what they write, they may begin to censor their entries. Even if your sub writes, “I hate my Dom,” resist the urge to ask why they wrote it. Remember, children and teenagers will often journal rebelliously, so your little is just expressing normal behaviors. Instead of confronting your sub, ask them later how they are feeling and if there is anything they think needs improvement. 

A well-used journal is a sign of a sub who feels comfortable and safe. Writing often is not only good for sub, but will help the Dom better understand the needs of the BDSM relationship.

How do you journal?  What are your ideas for prompts? Share in the the comments. 

Submissive Journal Writing Prompts

Keep Reading: More ways to prevent bratty behavior »

 

How to Punish a Sub Effectively

Every Dominant/submissive relationship has to have punishments. After all, the “D” in BDSM stands for discipline, and no sub is perfect.  Correction is needed from time to time when they break the rules.  But many Doms struggle with knowing how to punish effectively.  And Subs can feel neglected when it isn’t done in the proper way.  Here are some things to keep in mind for a punishment to be successful:

Dom with BDSM belt

Punishments Need to Have a Reason

The main goal of any punishment is so the sub will learn from it.  The Dom disciplines to discourage unacceptable conduct, and to ensure that the sub fully appreciates their role.  A sub should always know why they are being punished.  In fact, it is good etiquette to say beforehand, “You are being punished because…” or to ask, “Why are you being punished?”  This keeps the focus on the behavior that needs to change. That way the sub doesn’t feel like it’s themselves that the Dom doesn’t like.  Punishments for littles can be for things a real Daddy would punish for: not cleaning their room, spending too much time on their phone, etc.

The Punishment Should Fit the Crime

Failure to comply with any rules should always result in some sort of punsishment. The harshness should be determined by the severity of the misdeed.  For example, if a sub waits 15 minutes to respond to a Dom’s texts, an intense paddling would probably be too much.  For softer punishments my Dom likes to make me remove my panties for the day, or have me wear Ben Wa Balls. (These punishments also work for long distance d/s relationships) On the other hand, if a sub has committed a major offense, corporal punishment will probably be required.  Quite a few times I have made my Dom mad enough to make him spank me so long and hard that I’ve bawled into my pillow.

Don’t Go Too Soft

There is nothing worse than expecting a hard punishment and getting off with “a slap on the wrist”, or worse: no punishment at all.  Some subs perform best when they are disciplined at least daily, others every other day, or even once a week.  Look for patterns.  If a sub seems to stop trying so hard to please their Dom then a good punishment is probably in order.  Again, we are all imperfect human beings and there is always some correction in behavior that can be found.

Many Doms who are new to BDSM may hold back, fearing they are going too far, especially if a sub starts crying.  But that is where trust in the safewords comes in.  If it gets too painful, physically, emotionally, or mentally, a sub has the right to safeword.  One way to gauge how painful a punishmetnt is can be to make the sub count each time they are hit.  My Dom usually will spank me five times, making me count after each one so he can tell in my voice if he is going too hard or soft.  Another idea is to have the sub recite a phrase after each hit, like, “I am Daddy’s little girl.”

Timing is Crucial

Usually a sub knows when they screw up, and they dread the after-effects of displeasing their Dom. If the Dom completely forgets to punish or even puts it off it is less affective.  Sometimes a little bit of time can grow the anticipation and force the sub to mediate on what they did, but generally punishments should happen by the end of the day.  If it’s a long distance d/s relationship, and you want to know how to punish a sub over text, still keep in mind the timing when administering discipline.  Anything later than a day misses the goal of teaching the sub so they will learn to never do it again.  It is like waiting too long after your dog has an accident to rub their nose in it.  Subs need to see that their Doms care enough about the relationship to take the time to discipline them.

BDSM LIFESTYLE FORM

BDSM Punishment Ideas

It needs to be emphasized that the subject of discipline should always be discussed beforehand to keep things consensual and safe.  A written contract can list the types of punishments that are acceptable, and the severity that is agreed on.

  • Spanking-  My favorite I love to hate.  Usually done on the bed without clothes on.  Using the Dom’s bare hand has the advantage of keeping the physical connection between both parties.  It also prevents him from doing serious damage because he will have the pain in his hand as a gauge.
  • Paddling-  Administered like a spanking but uses an object like an actual paddle, ruler, hair brush, etc.
  • Whipping-  Belts can do serious damage so this is better when done lightly.
  • Biting-  Usually done during a sexual encounter when a sub displeases the Dom.
  • Delayed orgasm-  Either for a minute or a day, to remind a sub that their Dom has the power over their sexual fullillment.
  • Brazilian wax-  Making a sub get this done will only work if they don’t currently enjoy doing this.

So there you have it: the basics of BDSM punishments. Keep these suggestions in mind and your d/s relationship will continue to evolve and bring greater fullillment.  🖤

What are your thoughts on disciplline?  Share your ideas for punishment in the comments.

Keep reading about how to keep punishments safe »

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3 Signs of Topping from the Bottom

In BDSM the phrase “Topping from the Bottom” describes when a submissive starts to become more of the dominant in the relationship.  It sometimes happens subconsciously but can also be done on purpose.  It’s a lot like using reverse psychology, and can turn the tables of control without the Dominant realizing it.  Usually the subs are the most to blame for this manipulation, but the Dom is equally at fault when he allows it to happen.  I admit that I have topped from the bottom before, and it can be a hard habit to break.  Here are three signs of topping from the bottom, and what both parties can do to fix it.

Topping from the bottom

1.  Being a constant brat

Now some Doms like their sub a little bratty every once in awhile.  There’s nothing wrong with that.  It can keep things interesting.  Where it becomes a problem is when a sub is routinely a brat, using the behavior to lash out.  Instead of a way to be more playful, it becomes the main way to receive attention and to get what they need.  Needless to say it can irritate and Dom and make him want to give up.

What the sub can do:

If you genuinely want more attention or feel that your needs aren’t getting met, speak up!  As long as it’s done respectfully there is nothing wrong we communicating what you want.  For example, I’ve acted out before after a hard day just to get in trouble.  I know this will get me that stress-relieving spanking I so desperately need.  I’ve learned though that it’s so much better to say,  “Daddy, I’ve had a hard day.  Can you please spank me?”  It makes him happy and so much more aware of my feelings.  And the next time he sees me stressed he knows exactly what I need.  If you’re not comfortable speaking up, you can also write your feelings in a journal that your Dom can read.

What the Dom can do:

When you catch your sub being bratty try to figure out if they’re just acting out for attention.  Instead of just immediately turning to discipline, ask your sub what’s really going on.  If you sense they’re upset give them permission to talk.  Encourage them to maybe use an “I statement”, a phrase where they say, “I feel X when you do Y, and I’d rather you do Z.”  Also, having your sub kneel while you talk to them about their unacceptable bratty behavior can put them back in their place.

2.  Safewording… a lot

Let me start off by saying that there is nothing wrong with using safewords.  They are a sacred part of BDSM, and are there to make sure everything stays safe, sane, and consensual.  A sub should never feel guilty when she uses them legitimately.  The problem arises when it becomes a way to get out of something they just don’t want to do.  It can become the vanilla equivalent of saying they have a headache.  Besides sexual requests they may use a safeword when a situation becomes too emotionally difficult and they just want a break.  The sub becomes the one in control when they safeword because they don’t WANT to do something, not that they CAN’T do something.

What the sub can do:

Before you safeword, ask yourself if you’re just trying to avoid doing something.  If you were to meet your Dom’s demands would it really incur physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, or other harm?  If not, safewording in that instance would be dishonest and could lead to a break in trust.  Remember that topping from the bottom in this way isn’t playing fair.

What the Dom can do:

If your sub safewords, remember that it means they are close to their limit of endurance, or they cannot tolerate any further demands.  Always respect their safeword even if you believe it isn’t genuine.  Your actions should cease completely with immediate effect.  Afterwards, if you do believe the safeword was used casually, tell your sub.  Remind them of the real purpose of BDSM safewords and that misusing them will break your trust.  This firm lecture will probably be enough to put them back in their place.

BDSM LIFESTYLE FORM

3.  Saying, “Well, actually I think…”

When a Dom makes a decision it should stand.  A sub from time to time can voice their opinion respectfully when necessary.  But routinely getting a Dom to change their mind will only  hurt the relationship.  This can happen in many different areas.  The Dom may want to have sex in a certain position, but the sub suggests another one instead.  Or he says they’re going to eat at a particular restaurant, but she says she’d rather go to a different one. When this happens and the Dom gives in, it shifts the control in the relationship.

What the sub can do:

When your Dom makes a decision, don’t undermine it.  Even if it’s not what you were wanting that doesn’t matter.  Your role is to please your Dom.  If it’s something you really disagree with you can let them know respectfully.  Another option is to ask them afterwards if next time you can do your choice.  Remember:  you are in a BDSM relationship, and he is your Dominant.  Topping from the bottom will only erode that.

What the Dom can do:

When your sub says, “Well, actually I think…” listen to their suggestion, but then let them know that you are the Dom and you make the decisions.  When they do go along with what you want make sure to give them praise.  It is OK to give your sub choices every once in awhile, but do not make it a habit of yielding to them.

Remember that regularly topping from the bottom is bringing manipulation into a BDSM relationship.  Stay focused in your role as a Dom or a sub, and the power and control will remain healthy.

What is your experience of topping from the bottom? Share your thoughts in the comments.  🖤

Learn more ways to bring back control  »

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Daddy’s Little Girl-Exploring Ageplay

One of the most popular BDSM relationships is the DaddyDom/little girl dynamic (DD/lg).  For some it can just be something they role-play with, but for others like myself it is their identity.  There are many benefits to ageplay for both the Dominant and Submissive.

BDSM Daddy's Little girl

What exactly is BDSM ageplay?

It involves treating the Sub like they are a certain age, usually younger, anywhere from toddler to teenager.  In turn the sub treats their Dom like their Daddy.  He takes on the paternal role of protector and caregiver, and administers discipline when needed.  The sub becomes his “Little” and relies on him emotionally, financially, and sexually.

Ageplay is NOT pedophilia.  Pedophillia is having sexual feelings towards children, and a sub is a consenting adult.  A DaddyDom wants to be with HIS little girl, not little girls in general.

Why is the DD/lg relationship so fulfilling?

It satisfies both individuals on many levels:

The DaddyDom

Men are naturally attracted to youth and innocence and having a Little meets that need continuously. They will also have someone rely and dote on them, and counting on them to “fix it” when things get hard.  Littles are constantly seeking the praise and attention of their Daddy and will do their best to please him.  A DD also gets the satisfaction of disciplining his Baby Girl when she misbehaves in any way he desires.  And she will come to him with her sexual needs as he knows how best to please her.

The Little

In a symbiotic way, what makes the Daddy happy fullfills the Little’s needs and vice versa.  She will be made to feel eternally youthful and beautiful, and he will spoil her and cherish her.  Subs that choose this relationship are usually relatively fragile emotionally, and having a supportive, paternal figure is very soothing.  Being told you’re a “good girl” makes a sub feel extremely content.  Knowing they make their Daddy happy gives them immense reassurance.

BDSM LIFESTYLE FORM

How to incorporate ageplay

Dress the part

The DaddyDom ultimately chooses what his little girl wears but short skirts, shorts, having hair in braids/pigtails is usual protocol.  School girl outfits are very popular, and Brazilian waxes give the look and feel of a little girl.

Talk the talk

Littles should refer to their Dom as Daddy, and always ask them for permission, just like a dependent child would.  DDs need to call their Littles by appropriate names like Baby Girl, and conversations and lectures are more enjoyable when she’s told to sit on his lap.

Embrace the role

DD/lg revolves around wanting to please and fearing disapproval so rewards and punishments are vital.  Even little pats on the head mean a lot, and spankings are a must.  Keeping the attitude of “Daddy knows best” will deepen intimacy.  Also age appropriate activities like coloring and keeping a journal can  help a sub feel more “little.”

Ageplay can become the basis for a healthy BDSM relationship, and bring even more happiness to both the Dom and his sub.  🖤

Are you a Daddy or a Little? What are your reasons for the relationship? Let us know in the comments.

Read how to enhance the DD/lg dynamic »

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BDSM Rituals and Why You Need Them

Rituals are an important part of any healthy BDSM relationship. They help the Dominant and Submissive remember their roles, and can be a way to stay centered and focused. Read on to learn the basics and maybe pick up some new rituals to enhance your connection.

BDSM kneeling rituals

What are BDSM rituals?

Sometimes people will use the words protocols and rituals interchangeably but they are slightly different. A BDSM protocol is a hard and fast rule usually listed in a contract. A ritual is more of a way of carrying out something. It almost always involves an action where the Dom prescribes a series of behaviors for his pleasure and benefit.

Why have rituals?

Rituals are a way to discipline a Sub.  They teach them obedience and submission and keep them in the right frame of mind.  This is true for the Dom as well.  Sometimes if a Sub has been acting too rebellious or bratty a ritual can snap both parties back into their role.

I really enjoy my rituals and view them as almost solemn and spiritual.  When I perform a ritual it feels somewhat ceremonial even.  I take pleasure in knowing I’m doing something my Daddy wants and that makes him happy.

Examples of rituals

Rituals are automatic and a good Sub shouldn’t have to be asked to do it every time. If a Sub does forget (they’re not perfect) they should be disciplined to the proper degree.  A good Dom doesn’t make up rituals just for the sake of having one.  There should be a reason for them and should be for his pleasure. Here are some of the rituals my Daddy has for me:

  1. Kneeling and oral sex each night–  My Daddy usually goes to bed before me since he wakes up early, so once I’m all ready for the night, I sit in the bed next to him and kneel.  If he doesn’t wake up by then I will lightly rub him and say, “I’m ready to suck you now, Daddy.”  I will perform oral for him and he will stop me when he chooses.  Sometimes it’s after a minute, and other times I finish him completely.  I don’t stop until he tells me.
  2. Kissing him whenever he arrives home-  This is another popular ritual and one I can safely perform in front of others.  When he comes home, wherever I am in the house and no matter what I’m doing, I go and greet him with a kiss.
  3. A morning text-  My Daddy decided on the ritual of every morning texting him how I was feeling, and a detailed plan for my day.  Before this he would usually text me first to tell me good morning and that he loved me.  I loved that and didn’t want to give it up.  Respectfully I told him and he said he would continue to text me first, but then I would have to reply with what he had requested.  It was a successful compromise and we have been doing it ever since.

BDSM LIFESTYLE FORM

Can Doms have rituals too?

Yes and no.  Doms will do certain actions as a routine but they are never expected to do it as they are allowed to do whatever they want.  An example is how my Daddy opens doors for me.  Before I get in the car or enter a building he will almost always open it for me, and it makes me love him even more each time he does it.

Some rituals may not work

It may be that after performing certain rituals they will have to be eliminated.  This happened to us.  Every morning when Daddy was at work I had to let him decide my panties for the day.  I’d pick out three, lay them in a row, take a picture, and text it to him. This was fun at first and I did it for almost a month.  It ended up causing me a lot of stress though.  There were many mornings I would have to rush because it was taking up too much time.  I wanted to be a good Sub and keep trying but eventually I told him that it was hard to do.  Thankfully he told me I could stop. He still makes choices on my panties from time to time, and will often tell me to wear none when I’m in a dress or skirt.  So if a ritual isn’t working, a sub can always talk to her Dom about it respectively, or through a journal.

I find peace in rituals. They benefit both the Dom and the Sub and are essential for training and discipline.  🖤

What rituals do you have in your BDSM relationship? What works and what doesn’t?

Read more ways to keep a sub in their place »

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Brazilian Wax Tips for Daddy’s Little Girl

One of the best ways to get that “Little Girl” look and feel is to get a Brazilian wax.  In the past I would shave pretty regularly but it wasn’t fun.  It would get irritated and only last about two days.  On a whim I decided to get a Brazilian for a vacation and I was hooked.  My Daddy and I hadn’t entered our BDSM relationship yet so I would only do it when I wanted to, and I would leave a little triangle. But after we became Dom/sub he would have me get it regularly waxed and even told me to get it completely done. I was a little scared with taking off the last bit of hair I had left, but it is so much easier and looks and feels amazing.

BRAZILIAN BIKINI WAX

European Wax Center is my go to place to get completely bare ever since it has become standard protocol. Maybe you’ve never had a Brazilian wax, or even a bikini wax for that matter, and you don’t know what to expect. But I’m here to guide you through it so you can become a Brazilian pro.

Scroll down for 12 tips and tricks to keep you smooth for a long time.

European Wax Center Brazilian Review:

EWC is a great place to have a Brazilian Wax. It’s never fun, but at least here they do it quick and relatively painless. They use “hard” wax as opposed to strips. The wax will cool and harden and will be ripped off.  I’m not going to lie, the only way it can be described is to imagine ripping duct tape off that area. Surprisingly though you get used to it, and the more frequently you get waxed the less it hurts

For me the most painful part is the lips. The least painful part: the butt, which they will do with you holding your knees and spreading your feet apart. Most Brazilian virgins fear the butt. However, for me it’s always such a relief when my waxer finally tells me to put my legs up.

She may go in with tweezers and get the stray hairs, you may have to do this later at home too (Usually my Daddy likes to do it for me). She’ll then rub a calming lotion over everything and tell you you’re done. Always take a look at the area before you get off the table, and even check in their full length mirror on the wall. Never hesitate to ask them to wax areas they missed, or straighten up the triangle or strip. You payed good money and you did not go through all that pain to not have it completely perfect.

How Long It Lasts:

For me I usually go every three weeks. But that doesn’t mean you are bald for three weeks. I could go swimming in public comfortably for probably only the first two weeks, which is better than the usual two days I’d get with shaving. When it grows back in a little you’ll look like you’re beginning to hit puberty again and the hair will be so soft and light.  My Daddy loves it, and it turns him on to know I’m getting hot wax rubbed onto my intimate areas and forcibly ripped off.

If you’ve never done it try it at least once because I’m sure you’ll love it.  If it’s not for you it can always become a hard limit.  You will notice EVERYTHING feels different after your wax though: peeing, showering, sex… you will feel like a slip-n-slide! I orgasm a lot faster and have more frequent and easier multiples too.

BDSM LIFESTYLE FORM

Brazilian Wax Tips and Tricks

Before:

  • Even if you go to EWC, check “Yelp” to find the name of a good waxer.
  • If you’re getting waxed for vacation, two days before is good so any redness will be gone.
  • Schedule your wax between 3-5 PM. Research shows your pain tolerance is better in the afternoon.  (This is good to know for BDSM punishments too.)
  • The morning of your wax, shower, and lightly scrub the area with a product like St. Ives Apricot Scrub.
St. Ives Apricot Scrub
St. Ives Apricot Scrub
  • 45 minutes before your appointment, take two Advil.
  • Wear comfortable clothes and underwear.

During:

  • Breathe, talk if it helps, ask the waxer to stop if the wax is too hot or if you need to take a break.
  • Before you get off the table/put your clothes on, check the area to see if they missed anything.

After:

  • At home, pluck any strays with tweezers (this is a good job for the Dom).
Tweezerman Slant Tweezers
Tweezerman Slant Tweezers
  • Immediately apply a salicylic acid lotion.  I love Paula’s Choice BHA Body Lotion.  Apply it once a day for the next two days.
Paula's Choice RESIST Weightless Body Treatment 2% BHA
Paula’s Choice RESIST Weightless Body Treatment 2% BHA
  • The next day shower and shave the parts they didn’t wax: lower stomach, thighs. Again, Paula’s Choice makes a great shave cream.
Paula's Choice PC4MEN Shave Cream
Paula’s Choice PC4MEN Shave Cream
  • 24-48 hours after the wax: no exercising, hot tubs, or sex.  After that, enjoy and schedule your next wax!  🖤
What are your thoughts on the Brazilian Wax? Do you have any tips not listed here?  Let us know in the comments.

Read more about the DaddyDom/Little Girl role »

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BDSM Limits: Learn What’s Hard and Soft

Knowing each other’s boundaries is essential for a healthy BDSM relationship.  Limits should be discussed and respected.

BDSM girl hands tied

Why have limits?

It allows the sub to explore their sensuality safely.  They never have to be afraid that their Dom is going to do something they don’t want.  They can give up all control, and be free from making decisions. Doms benefit from set rules because it takes the guess work out of what their sub will and won’t do. Both individuals will be able to let go.

There are two kinds of limits, soft and hard:

  • SOFT-  These are things that are acceptable to the sub and they consent to.  You cannot assume that just because someone has agreed to be a sub that they are OK with everything. But once something has been decided upon (hopefully in a contract) it can be freely asked or demanded.

Some examples of Soft Limits are: oral sex, swallowing semen, nipple clamps, spanking, etc.

Another soft limit is the sub’s tolerance of pain.  Light bruises might be OK, but permanent scars may not be.

  • HARD–  Both parties need to specify what they won’t do. Doms can have boundaries too.  Examples of hard limits could be things like wax play or anal sex.

Limits can change over time, and some can be more fluid than others.  For example, a sub may only be comfortable with something like rimming on some occasions, but their Dom has to ask first.  And sometimes boundaries can soften in the presence of alcohol, but even so the Dom should always make sure the sub really wants to and is giving their full consent.

BDSM LIFESTYLE FORM

  • REQUIREMENT LIMITS-  Requirements are not always talked about online when discussing the subject of limits but they deserve to be mentioned. These would be things that a partner has to have. It could be, “I need you to pull my hair when we have sex in doggie style.” Or, “If a punishment makes me cry, good aftercare is a must.”

Remember: Safewords can help establish limits too. If a couple is exploring something new like anal play, safewords can help guide the Dom as to what is acceptable and what is too far.  One of the roles of a good Dom is to push the boundaries of their sub a little, to see what they are and aren’t OK with.

What to do if limits aren’t respected?

This really depends on the situation and the individuals involved. Sometimes for a seemingly minor offense the Dom could be warned never to do that again. But for more major breaches of trust, the sub always has the power to terminate the relationship.

So as you can see, limits benefit of everyone involved. Ultimately they bring more pleasure to the relationship.  🖤

What are your feelings on limits? Share your hard and soft below.
Read more about BDSM etiquette »

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A safe place to explore BDSM