7 Rules for a Long-Distance Relationship- FREE WORKSHEET

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Long-Distance relationships are hard, but especially for those that are Dom/sub.  It can be difficult to keep the dynamic going when you’re apart and problems and issues arise. There’s also a lot of bad advice and tips on the internet.  But even if you’re apart for just a day, or if circumstances make it so you’re separated for months, a long-distance D/s relationship can still succeed.  Both the Dominant and submissive have to work at it though. So here are some ideas for rules to keep in mind, and don’t forget to download your free worksheet here.

1.  Avoid problems when using technology

Technology can be a lifesaver in a long-distance relationship.  Texting especially can be easy and convenient, but after a while you may find it gets boring.  Don’t neglect all the other kinky ways you can enjoy technology.  Get creative and think outside the box, and soon you’ll begin to feel much closer.  Here are some ideas:

  • Use FaceTime or Skype- There’s so many possibilities with this one.  You could have a meal together, have phone sex, or even a virtual play session.  Just prop up your phone or iPad in the room, and have the Dominant give the submissive instructions.
  • Watch a BDSM movie together (“Secretary” is my favorite)- You can each set it up on your own TV or iPad and press play at the same time.
  • Use an online journal- This is a must whether you’re long-distance or not.  A sub should have a journal they can write freely in, and the Dom should have access to it at all times.

2.  Overcome commitment issues as a Dominant or submissive

Some people get stuck in a long-distance relationship because they feel obligated to stay for one reason or another.  Be honest with your partner about what you want out of the relationship, but more importantly, be honest with yourself.  Do you really want to be in a long-distance relationship when you could be meeting other people?  If the answer is yes, then work on building trust together.  Here are some tips:

    • Be patient- Even if you were physically together before things became long-distance, the new situation will take time for both of you to become comfortable.
    • Have real-life interactions- Show your commitment by making and keeping plans to meet face-to-face.
    • Make a contract together- A contract helps both a Dom and a sub to clearly know what their roles are in the relationship, and what’s expected of them.
    • Complete the free worksheet- It’s an easy way to see where you both stand.  Download the worksheet here. 

3.  Create a detailed Dom/sub schedule

Having set tasks to do everyday is the perfect way to make a submissive not feel so lonely.  An assigned list keeps the Dominant in control of their partner, even when they can’t be there physically.  It keeps the sub focused, because they don’t have to get overwhelmed with making choices. Here are some ideas for a schedule:

  • Set wake up and go to bed times
  • Meal times
  • Time blocks for journaling or kneeling
  • “Little Space” activities like coloring or watching cartoons
  • A certain BDSM topic to research each day
  • A set exercise schedule

4.  Use gifts and games to keep things new and exciting

Everyone loves receiving gifts. When a Dom gives their sub a gift it reassures them of their affection and approval.  Littles especially need to receive gifts regularly, but Doms like getting presents too. Here are some ideas:

  • A collar
  • Stuffie or blanket to comfort the sub when the Dom is away
  • Matching rings or other jewelry
  • Kinky toys to use when you’re together

Games are another fun way to keep a Dom and sub connected.  You can do them over the phone or text, and they are a great way to get to know each other better. Two of my favorite games are “Would You Rather” and “2 Truths and a Lie.”  Keep it kinky and you’re sure to have a lot of fun.

5.  Get creative with rules and punishment ideas

Just because you’re apart doesn’t mean that a disobedient sub can’t be punished or be given rules.  Of course, a traditional spanking may be out of the question, but there are so many different ways to discipline from a distance.  Here are some ideas for rules and punishments:

Rules:

  • Not being able to eat junk food and having to text all their meals.
  • Letting the Dom choose the sub’s clothes or undergarments for the day.
  • Texting when you go out with friends, and when you come home.

Punishments:

  • Taking a cold shower for 1 or 2 minutes and having to videotape themselves.
  • Snapping a rubber band on their wrist a certain number of times.
  • Wearing nipple clamps and texting a picture as proof.
  • Having to write the same sentence 50 times and mailing it to the Dom.

6.  Take an online BDSM course together

Online courses are great for long-distance couples because they get you communicating and experimenting together, even while you’re apart. An online training program will help you deal with the issues and problems of a long-distance relationship. You’ll have a detailed, step-by-step plan to have a better, more satisfying connection, and to take your BDSM relationship to the next level.  An eCourse is a great way for both of you to have an online mentor and coach, giving you reliable advice and tips to help you every step of the way.

7.  Set an end date for your long-distance D/s relationship

Even if you’re having fun and enjoying your long-distance relationship, it needs to end at some point.  Hopefully this means that whatever situation is keeping you apart will be resolved and you can physically be together permanently.  Setting a date for this to happen will help both of you to endure the hard times and give you something to look forward to.  So set an end date together, and work hard to make it happen. The free worksheet below can make this easier.

Remember, a long-distance D/s relationship isn’t easy, but so is anything worth fighting for. Follow the rules and tips here and in the worksheet and you’re sure to have success. If you can trust, respect, and support each other when you’re apart, imagine how powerful your bond will be once you’re together.  🖤

Want a free Long-Distance Relationship Worksheet with extra tips? Click here »

What advice would you give someone in a long-distance relationship?  Let me know in the comments.

Keep reading:  How to Master Maintenance »

Introducing a New eCourse for Kinksters: Dom Sub Training

Dom sub training BDSM ecourse online

If you subscribe to Dom Sub Living elsewhere, then you may have already heard about “Dom Sub Training”.  Either way, I wanted to formally introduce it to everyone here on the blog. I’m really excited about this!

Back when I was trying to decide what kind of eCourse to create, I sent out a survey to my email subscribers, asking them what they were having trouble with. More than anything, it seemed like my readers were struggling with wanting a mentor and coach they could trust, and finding a long-term partner they connected with. Meanwhile, my Dom and I were having an amazing relationship that kept getting better and better…and it was all thanks to BDSM.

So, when it came time to decide what kind of eCourse I’d create, I knew that a course about maximizing the power of BDSM is just what my readers needed.

But this isn’t just a course about BDSM. This step-by-step training is about how to start living the 24/7 lifestyle you always wanted RIGHT NOW.

I’ve figured out how to use BDSM to get more fulfillment in my life without all the drama. Actually, using the strategies that I’ve put into this course, my Dom and I are able to stop wasting time struggling with the challenges of a 24/7 relationship. Instead, we enjoy effortless communication and a mind-blowing sex life.

“Dom Sub Training” isn’t just about having a lot of kinky sex though.  It’s about getting all the information you need to become a satisfied BDSM expert, and having a detailed plan to make it all happen.

You can check out everything that’s in the course (including all of the bonuses!) right here.

Exactly How to Master Sub Maintenance

When a Dominant or submissive is starting out in BDSM, they’re usually feeling very excited about their new lifestyle.  But after some time passes the realities of life begin to set in. A Dom and sub may become busy and start to put their roles on the back burner. What can keep a sub eager to serve and also prevent a Dom from neglecting their partner? The answer is “sub maintenance”.  When you hear the term “sub maintenance” most people think only of spankings, but there is so much more involved.  Keep reading to learn exactly how to master sub maintenance.

Sub maintenance spankings submissive Dom

Yes, maintenance spankings are necessary

Maintenance spankings seem to be debated a lot in the BDSM community.  Some feel that it’s cruel because it’s just hitting a sub without a real reason. But maintenance spankings do have a real reason.  They are to remind the sub who is in control, and the pain can be something for their mind to refocus on.  Maintenance spankings are only OK if the sub has consented to receiving pain, and it’s agreed upon in your contract.

How to make it work:  Maintenance spankings don’t have to be as hard as punishment ones, but they should be intense and long enough to “snap” a sub back into their role.  As for how often? I think a good rule is if the sub hasn’t had a spanking in three days then they’re due for one.  You could add a separate section in your journal just to keep track of spankings.

Keep the orgasms coming

Orgasms are wonderful.  They release powerful neurotransmitters and help lower stress.  Keeping a sub “regulated” can help them have more stable emotions and in turn help them to be more obedient.  And when a sub is able to help her Dom reach orgasm it makes her feel useful and needed.

How to make it work: Decide together what each partner requires in terms of the frequency of orgasms.  Some people need it only once a week, others need it daily.  Once you’ve figured out each other’s requirement, make sure to put fulfilling that need at the top of your list.

Journaling is essential to maintenance

A journal is a submissive’s safe place to write down whatever they want.  In a life full of control and submission, it can be their only outlet to vent their feelings freely.  Journaling can be very therapeutic.  It also gives the Dom a glimpse into their sub’s mind so he can better understand her.  In order for this all to happen though, a sub should always feel safe to write anything in their journal without fear of being punished.

How to make it work:  Just like with spankings and orgasms, journaling needs to be done regularly.  I recommend once a week at the least, but it can be done daily too.  If the sub doesn’t have time to write a whole page they can be given a simple sentence to finish, like, “Today I feel ___________, because ___________.  If the sub has more time then the Dom can provide writing prompts.

Submissive Journal Writing Prompts

The sub’s health should be a priority

If a submissive is in good health they will be able to perform at their best physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually. Also, a  sub is property owned by someone else, and as such they are a direct representation of their Dom.  This will cause a sub to take great pride in the health and presentation of their bodies.  However, it is also the Dom’s responsibility to make sure his property is in the best condition. Focus should be on what I like to call the “Holy Trinity”: sleep, diet, and exercise. 

How to make it work:  This will take a lot of self-discipline on both of your parts, but it can be accomplished. Here are some tips that have helped my Dom and me:

  • Set an alarm for when you need to get ready for bed, factoring in time for play sessions.
  • Set another alarm for when you need to be in bed, going to sleep.
  • Don’t use any electronic screens for an hour before bed.
  • Plan your meals the day before and stick to a calorie limit.
  • Focus on eating vegetables, fruits, whole grains, beans, and nuts
  • Drink lots of water, at least 10 cups a day.
  • Schedule your workouts for the whole week.
  • Try to exercise in the morning rather than the evening so you’re more likely to stick to it.

It will take a lot of trial and error, but just continue to make adjustments.  Don’t give up!

A Dom shouldn’t focus just on punishments

Just as with a child, a sub may get discouraged if they’re only told what they did wrong. While discipline and punishments are huge in a BDSM relationship, rewards are very important too.  Rewards help reinforce good behavior.  They also let the sub know they are pleasing their Dom and that they are a “good girl” (or “good boy”).

How to make it work:  A Dom should commend his sub for at least one thing everyday.  When the sub has been especially good the Dom can give her a reward, big or small, depending on the behavior. Some ideas include:

  • A massage or pedicure
  • Extra time on the internet
  • A special food treat
  • Extra snuggle time
  • Being allowed to make certain choices, like where to go out for dinner
  • A new stuffie
  • Getting to sleep in an extra hour

Maintaining submission may be difficult as time passes in a relationship, but it’s not impossible.  In fact if you apply the strategies I mentioned in this article it can become quite easy.  So make spankings, orgasms, and journaling a regular part of your lifestyle, and focus more on health and rewarding good behavior, and you will master sub maintainence too. 🖤

Keep reading:  Create better play sessions »

What challenges have you faced with sub maintenance?  Let me know in the comments.

5 Essential Scene Strategies for Your Next Play Session

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The word “scene” comes up a lot in the kink community. Many people however will sometimes misuse this term.  The real definition of a scene is a BDSM activity or encounter that involves a Dominant and submissive. It may also be referred to as “play” or “session,” but it doesn’t have to involve sexual activity.  If you’re new to the lifestyle though, or even if you’ve been playing for a while, you’ve probably wondered, “Am I doing it right?”  Well I have some fun ideas to help you with scene etiquette and structure so you can bring more meaning to your next play session.  Don’t forget to download your free PDF, based on some of my scenes with my Dom, here.

Know your BDSM scene etiquette

No matter how many years of experience you do or don’t have, you should always follow proper scene etiquette.  This is especially true if you’re playing with strangers at dungeons or clubs.  Good communication beforehand can help both parties relax so that they can focus on enjoying the session.  Here are some things to keep in mind:

Scene etiquette doesn’t have to be too complicated, and once you’ve been playing with someone for a while it becomes second nature.  But it is good to revisit it from time to time, to make sure you’re playing correctly and safely.

The Dom should have everything ready

This is huge because it will kill the mood if you have to go fumble looking for rope or lube halfway during a scene.  One thing my Dom likes to do is lay out everything on the bed when we start.  This serves two purposes:  One- it puts everything within reach so it’s easily accessible, and two- it creates anticipation and makes me think about what he’s going to do to me.  Another thing you could do is put everything in a toy box and have it nearby so you can simply grab it.  Just make sure everything is organized and easily accessible.

Have a beginning, middle, and end

Your scene doesn’t have to have a plot like a BDSM porno movie, but you should have a general plan of how things will progress.  Having a good sequence also keeps you from just doing things randomly without a purpose in mind. It also makes the submissive confident that the Dominant knows what they’re doing.  Here are the basics of each part of a scene:

Beginning-  Sets the mood and builds anticipation.  This can be mostly verbal to start out with.  Light teasing is also good.

Middle-  More intense playing can start.  This may be where the sub begins to wonder if they will be able to last.  

End-  The Dom brings the sub back down gradually. Both of them may have already orgasmed. 

Want to see what this looks like in an actually play session?  Download one here »

Build tension in your play session

This is what keeps a scene from becoming routine, even if you’re always playing with the same person.  Just like every story needs a conflict, so should every good BDSM play session.  This doesn’t have to be huge, like rape play, but there should be some element of tension.  Here are some ideas:

  • The sub could act a little bratty, or even just slightly resist.
  • The Dom could push the sub to the point of using a safeword like “yellow”.
  • The sub could be given a task to do, with consequences or rewards.

When thinking about ideas for building tension, try to do it not just physically, but emotionally too.  Which brings us to our next scene strategy:

For the Dominant: Create a sense of fear

When a sub is slightly afraid, their nervous system is more heightened.  This doesn’t mean they have to be genuinely scared, but there should be that fear of the unknown.  Not knowing what the Dom will do next will be a huge turn on for them.  The easiest way to achieve this is by taking away one or more senses.  The sub could be blindfolded, restrained in some way, given earphones with loud music, or even gagged.  The Dominant can then give pleasure or pain unexpectedly.  

I hope you loved learning about how to set up a scene.  Just remember:  your main goal should be for you and your partner to connect and enjoy each other.  So relax, apply the strategies in this article, and I know your next play session will be so much more intense.  Have fun playing!  🖤

What are some of your scene ideas? Let us know in the comments.

Up next:  What to do when you’re done playing »

5 Things You Need to Know About Consensual Non-Consent

One of the most controversial subjects in the BDSM community is consensual non-consent.  A lot of other blogs will tell you that in a Dominant/submissive (D/s) relationship, once you give your consent you cannot take it away.  And even though the fantasy of rape play is pretty common, it’s still a taboo topic.  What is the real meaning of consensual non-consent? Let’s take a closer look at what it is, plus I have some stimulating ideas to get you started.

Consensual Non-consent sex d/s fantasy ideas meaning

1.  Consensual non-consent meaning

The definition for consensual non-consent is a mutual agreement where the Dom is able to act as if the sub has waived all consent. Complete consent is given beforehand, with the understanding of it being a permanent arrangement under most circumstances.  The bottom line is that this is something the sub has willingly said they wanted.  The “non-consensual” part also means that sometimes the Dom may have to make the sub obey if she refuses.  Why would a sub, and especially a slave, say “no” if they already gave their total submission? Simply put, because subs and slaves aren’t robots.  They have feelings, needs, wants, and imperfections too.  They may disagree with the Dom, and voice it, but they still ultimately want to serve and be used.

If you’re still confused as to the meaning of consensual non-consent, here is what it means to me:

I like it even when I don’t like it.  I want it even when I don’t want it.

2.  Do you need Safewords?

Since trust is so important in consensual non-consent I would say that safewords are vital.  Safewords make everything clear.  Of course it’s a good practice for a Dom to remind a sub that they have safewords during an intense scene.  We usually think trust has to do with the sub trusting the Dom, but the Dom has to equally be able to trust their sub.  “No means no” in a court of law, regardless if it’s a D/s relationship, even if there’s a BDSM contract.  A Dom needs to know that the sub is completely willing, even if they’re yelling and crying for something to stop.  If you are in a 24/7 relationship you can discuss removing safewords in certain situations, like during punishments.

3.  Subdrop and Aftercare will be different

After a play session, a sub might act completely different if conensual non-consent was involved.  After a scene I usually like to cuddle, but if we did some forceful, hard playing I can’t stand to be held.  My Dom knows that it’s difficult for me to receive affection after consensual non-consent, so he’ll give me my space and just maybe rest a hand on my shoulder.  It’s not uncommon for a sub to get upset and angry, almost as if they were really abused.  This is because the mind and body are so connected.  If a sub’s body is abused in a non-pleasurable way, their mind will begin to associate with that emotionally.  During subdrop they will slowly start to feel safe and in control again.  It’s extremely important for the Dom to respect this and not get offended during this time, but to continue to provide aftercare.

4.  Rape play is more than just fantasy

Many BDSM players may use the terms rape play and consensual non-consent interchangeably, but they are not the same thing.  Rape play is just one small aspect of it.  Even those in a vanilla relationship may have that fantasy.  For some victims of past abuse though, acting it out can be very therapeutic.  To them it can be a way to relive the experience, knowing that they now have the power to make it stop.  If you are going to engage in rape play with someone, make sure limits are clearly discussed.  For example, vaginal rape may be acceptable, but anal may not be.

5.   Ideas for D/s sex and beyond

There are many ways to engage in consensual non-consent, both sexual and non-sexual. If you are in a BDSM relationship, or even if you just play part-time, here are some ideas:

  • The Dom can dress up like an actually attacker (if they wear a mask, make sure at least part of the face is visible so the sub knows it’s not a real attacker)
  • Use rope to tie up the sub and gag them during sex
  • Enforce punishments that the sub will not like
  • Engage in pain play that tests the sub’s limits

Consensual non-consent is probably one of my favorite aspects of a BDSM lifestyle.  Sex can be so much more thrilling when you didn’t say yes.  Forcing someone to do something, or being forced yourself, can be very alluring.  I hope you get to enjoy this experience too.

Keep reading:   How to Play Safely »

How do you feel about consensual non-nonconsent?  Let me know in the comments.

Exactly What to Do When You Don’t Have a Partner

Whether you’re a Dom without a sub, or a sub without a Dom, not having a partner can be a hard situation to deal with.  Seeing or reading about how happy other BDSM relationships seem to be can make you wish that you had a partner too.  Here’s your surefire plan to start taking action, and soon you’ll begin enjoying the BDSM lifestyle you always wanted.

BDSM Dom without a sub

Know you’re not alone

A recent Dom Sub Living survey found that 33% of readers are not currently playing but would like to.  That’s a lot.  So don’t feel bad if you’re new and haven’t started enjoying a BDSM lifestyle yet.  There’s actually lots of reasons why someone may not have a BDSM partner or otherwise feel lonely:

  • Just starting out and haven’t met the right person yet
  • Being in-between relationships
  • Choosing to take a break
  • Being in a vanilla relationship where your partner isn’t into BDSM
  • Being in a Dom/sub relationship but feeling like your partner isn’t living up to their role

The solution to all of these situations is the same: Don’t give up!  Don’t think you’ll never have the lifestyle you want.  Instead of worrying and stressing about how things seem to be, take action and make a plan.

Review past relationships

Now’s a good time to look back at past relationships and figure out what worked and what didn’t.  Whether they were vanilla or kinky, assessing past relationships can help you to not repeat the same mistakes twice.  A good place to start is by journaling the answers to these questions:

  1. What didn’t I get in those relationships that I needed?
  2. What role did I play in the ending of the relationships?
  3. What did I like about my past partners?
  4. What didn’t I like about my past partners?
  5. What did I do right in those relationships?
  6. What can I do differently in my next relationship?
  7. Would I want myself as a partner, and why?
  8. What do I want for myself that doesn’t involve having a partner?

These questions may be tough but it’s necessary for your growth to take the time to journal and be honest.  Reflect on your answers, make the changes, and give yourself time to heal.

Make a list

Now that you’ve worked out the issues of your past, it’s time to start looking to the future.  Make a list of all the qualities you want in your prospective partner.  This will act as a type of agreement with yourself, so you can keep your senses when your heart and hormones may convince you to settle.  Things to put in your list might be:

  • Age range
  • How long they’ve been in the BDSM Lifestyle
  • View towards a polyamorous relationship
  • Their feelings about pain play, punishments, and training
  • Physical attributes
  • What they’re willing to do sexually
  • Personality qualities
  • Any “deal-breakers”

You could even make a list of questions to ask your new perspective Dom or sub.  Stand firm for your needs and values, and don’t accept anything less.  You deserve it.

Keep yourself prepared

This is the perfect time to get yourself ready for your future partner.  What does this mean?  First of all, make sure you already have the basics out of the way.  Write up a contract between you and your perspective partner.  Make sure you know your limits before you enter a relationship, even a short-term one.  I believe a true Dominant or submissive is who they are at all times, even when they have no partner, a vanilla partner, or a BDSM partner who isn’t fulfilling their role.  So work on improving yourself now.  You can read more about the two roles here:

The Ultimate Guide to Being a Dominant »

The Ultimate Guide to Being a Submissive »

Remember, right now you are your future partner’s Dom or sub.

Not having a partner, or having a partner who’s not giving you what you need out of BDSM, can be a frustrating situation.  So use this as an opportunity for self-reflection and a chance to better yourself.  Focus on doing what you can, and the time will pass much more quickly.  I have confidence that if you do these things, soon you will attract the type of partner that you deserve.  🖤

Keep reading: How to go from vanilla to kink »

What are your thoughts on being partnerless?  Let me know in the comments.

10 Ways to Have Better Aftercare

d/s instructions definition kink aftercare sub drop kit sub

During a BDSM scene or play session participants can experience a huge endorphin rush.  Intense pleasure or pain can cause a strong “high”, and it can be a shock when it is all over.  When emotions and endorphins come crashing down subdrop can occur.  Aftercare is what prevents this from happening.  It’s a way for those in a D/s relationship to calm down and slowly get back in touch with reality. If your aftercare has room for improvement, or worse, is nonexistent, then these ideas can help.

Want a free checklist to help you get the most out of aftercare?  Click the button bellow and send it to your partner too! 

1.  Cover up

This is probably one of the most simplest things a Dominant forgets to do.  During a scene a submissive’s body temperature usually increases and afterwards it drops, making the sub cold and uncomfortable.  Before a Dom relaxes he should cover up the sub with a blanket.  If the sub was completely naked they are also probably feeling exposed and vulnerable and this simple act can help them feel at ease.  Plus, after a very intense session a sub is usually too exhausted to cover themselves up.

2.  Verbal reassurance

A sub craves to be told that they are good and that they did a good job.  When their Dom says those words to them, it helps them to emotionally relax.  It’s not uncommon for a sub to have doubts and insecurities after a session.  Knowing they have their Dom’s approval gives them immense satisfaction.  If there was rape play or consensual non-consent during a scene, then it is extremely important for the Dom to be caring and calm, even saying, “I love you,” if it’s appropriate for the relationship.

3.  Cuddle

Just like a sub can be verbally reassured, they can also be physically reassured.  When a Dom holds and cuddles a sub it helps them to feel safe and protected.  Other small ways to make contact include snuggling, petting, pats on the head, and forehead kisses.  Feeling their Dom’s strong arms around them can go a long way in helping establish a sense of security in a D/s relationship.

4.  Water

After an intense scene, both parties should rehydrate.  It is the Dom’s responsibility to get his sub a glass of water to drink.  Drinking water can help prevent headaches, muscles aches, and urinary tract infections. Having two glasses of water nearby before a scene starts is a good habit to get into.

5.  Clean up

BDSM scenes can be quite dirty.  Sweat, lubes, bodily fluids, wax- they all need to be cleaned up.  The Dom can get a towel and wipe up their sub and themselves.  He can also help straighten things back up and put away any toys and other implements.  Sometimes a shower may be needed and the Dom can help wash the sub.  This can be another opportunity to reconnect.

6.  First-aid

A sub may have marks and bruises from a hard and intense kink session.  The Dom can massage limbs that were tied up, and apply lotion to any other sore spots.  Some people swear by arnica cream but any lotion without menthol or alcohol is good.  My favorite to use is shea butter.  Advil (brought with the water from #4) can help prevent swelling and bruising.

7.  Stuffie

Stuffies, or stuffed toys, are another tool in providing aftercare.  Littles especially love stuffies, and having one to cuddle and recuperate with helps them cope and deal with loneliness.  A Dom should bring the stuffy to his little after a play session.  If the little doesn’t own a stuffie this is a good opportunity for the Dom to buy them one.

8.  Orgasm

This one is probably my favorite for obvious reasons.  It may be the farthest thing from their mind after a hard scene but an orgasm can help the sub calm down, and to refocus.  Being beaten and used is a very stressful thing to experience and an orgasm can help a sub release that.  Also the Dom may have already orgasmed and taking care of the sub can help them not feel neglected.

For a simple (and free!) aftercare kit checklist, just click the image below and it will be emailed to you instantly.

9.  Discuss and recap

After all the previous steps have been taken, it’s good for a D/s relationship if both individuals discuss a scene after it’s over.  Doing all the relevant previous steps ensures that they are both calm and relaxed and can talk freely and openly.  This is a good time to figure out what went great, and what you’d like to try next time.

10.  Check-in the next day

Even if you’re married or in a long-term D/s relationship, next day communication is really important.  Subdrop can occur even days after a play session, so even a simple text or phone call can mean a lot.  Journaling can also help a sub to express their emotions productively, and the Dom can even assign a specific writing assignment based on the play session.  Get a FREE printable journal here »

A successful D/s relationship depends not just on hardcore scenes, but also on well planned aftercare.  As you can see, there are so many different ways to ensure that this happens.  Communicate what you need and want afterwards, and the play sessions are sure to keep getting better and better.  🖤

What’s your favorite aftercare technique?  Let me know in the comments.

Keep reading:  How to go from vanilla to BDSM »

The Ultimate Guide to a Safe BDSM Lifestyle

In the BDSM community there is a saying: Safe, Safe, Consensual. Whether you are new to the Dom/sub lifestyle or have been playing for a long time, this is the foundation for any relationship. You should always follow these three principles and so should your partner.

safe dom sub lifestyle consent BDSM

Safe

There always needs to be a discussion of limits, both hard and soft.  Respect these at all times.  All effort should be made to make a scene as safe as possible, especially for the Dominant setting it up.  Examples include:

  • Having scissors nearby to quickly cut ropes that are too tight, cable ties, etc.
  • Agreeing beforehand a safe gesture instead of a word if choking is acceptable.  And if the gesture involves the arms/hands, having these free at all times during choking.
  • Taking steps to avoid severe burns and fires during wax play.

Of course there are MANY more safety issues but the point is they need to be communicated, identified, and prevented.  Nobody wants an embarrassing visit to the emergency room or to have to call the fire department.

Sane

Both the Dom and the sub should be adults in a sound state of mind.  Even though BDSM is a form of therapy for some, if there are severe mental health issues present make sure to address them with a professional. Also under the principle of “Sane”: Don’t do anything stupid! For example, if you want to play rape, don’t kidnap your partner in public and attack them. You will most likely end up in jail.

Consensual

This is probably the core of BDSM and what many vanillas  cannot wrap their heads around.  All parties involved need to WANT this. Even with consensual non-consent there should be a prior discussion.  Hopefully this involves a contract or at the very least safewords. No one should ever reluctantly practice BDSM just to make someone else happy.  From simple kink to Total Power Exchange, from playful spankings to hardcore punishments, EVERYTHING has to be consensual.

Always keep and respect the three principles of SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual) .  They are what separates BDSM from criminal abuse or neurotic self-destructive behavior.  Have fun but make sure to always play responsibly. 🖤

Keep reading:  Enjoying bondage »

What does consent mean to you?  Let me know in the comments.

 

8 Ways to Enjoy Bondage

Bondage is one of the fundamental aspects of a Dominant/submissive relationship.  It’s represents the first letter of the word BDSM.  It may seem like just a kinky fetish, but real sexual gratification comes from bondage. The pleasure is derived from rendering the restrained person vulnerable to a variety of sex acts.  How can you get started with bondage and enjoy it safely?  Here are 8 ideas to inspire you.

BDSM Bondage ideas art

Be sure to read all the safety precautions first! »

1.  Cable zip ties

I thought I’d start with one of my favorites.  Zip ties are used to hold together cables or wires and are made out of a plastic-like nylon.  They usually come in clear or black and are really easy to use.  Simply put them around the wrists like handcuffs, thread the tail through the loop, and they’re locked.  I like them because they are super strong, and the material can cut into my skin when I struggle.  They can leave nice marks too.  The ties come in different sizes so make sure to buy the longer ones.  They are easy to get out of quickly because you just cut them to release them.  The only down side is that they are not reusable, but you can buy a lot of them for really cheap.

2.  Suit tie

This is a really sexy way to enjoy bondage even if you are in a vanilla relationship.  A man’s tie, made of silk or satin, is the perfect size and length to get started with bondage.  There are many ways to use one.  It can be used to tie the hands behind the back of the body, or in the front.  Once the wrists are tied, the Dom could tie the end to a bed frame or another piece of furniture.  It can also be secured around the sub’s neck like a traditional tie, and used as a leash to lead them around.  It’s versatile enough to be used as a blindfold or even a gag.  Really the possibilities are endless.

3.  Spreader bar

Another fun piece of equipment, a spreader bar is used to keep the limbs apart.  It is usually attached to the ankles and the bar’s length is increased to open the legs wider.  Some spreader bars also have cuffs for the wrists too, so the hands are attached right next to the feet.  This gives the Dom easy access to do to the sub whatever they wish.  If the spreader bar has a key make sure beforehand that it works properly and it is within reach at all times.

4.  Handcuffs

These can be really thrilling to use because they play into the whole “bad cop” fantasy.  Metal ones are nice because they can press into the skin and give a masochistic sub more pleasure.  As with all of the previous bondage ideas there are a lot of hand placement options. They can even be hooked through something overhead like a clothes rod while the sub is standing.  Just be careful not to make them too tight because they could do some real damage.  And make sure the key works and is accessible.  No one likes to make an embarrassing call to a locksmith.

5.  Rope

This is probably the best known tool for bondage and doesn’t require a trip to a sex store.  Rope can be used to tie a sub in lots of different positions.  “Hog tie,” where the hands are tied to the feet behind the back, makes the sub extremely vulnerable.  The best rope is smooth, usually nylon so it doesn’t chafe the skin.  If you like it to feel rough then I recommend a natural fiber like manila hemp.  In our bedroom we have ropes tied to the four corners of our bed at all times.  My Dom will use more rope or cable ties to attach me to the corners in various positions.  When we are done playing the rope can be tucked back under the bed out of sight and ready for the next play session.  People who enjoy being tied up are usually called “Rope Bunnies”.

6.  Shibari/Kinbaku

Shibari and Kinbaku are two terms to describe a type of Japanese bondage.  Although the words are sometimes used interchangeably they are actually two different things.  Shibari usually refers to general, artistic rope tying, while Kinbaku is a more sexual form of it.  Today you can see rope Masters performing intricate bondage styles at different shows and events.  The art is more in the ritualistic way it is done than in the finished project.  There are also many designs and techniques like the crotch rope tie, Strappado bondage (where the hands are tied behind and pulled up), and suspension bondage.

7.  Collar with “O” ring

My play collar has a big “O” ring on the front of it that can be used for many things.  A Dom could use zip ties, a suit tie, or ropes to secure the sub’s hands to the collar.  A traditional leash or chain can also be hooked onto it to keep the sub restrained.  Some collars have “O” rings in multiple places so the sub can be bound from the back of the neck too.  Look for a well made collar that is comfortable but strong enough to take a lot of pulling.

8.  When restraints become undone

Sometimes, despite a Dom’s best tying skills, a restraint may come undone.  It’s going to happen.  There’s no need to be embarrassed, get frustrated, or end a scene.  If a sub notices that a rope is coming loose for instance they can just playfully say, “Master, I think my restraints need to be tighter.”  Or if a Dom sees that a sub is getting loose even in a rape play scene, he can stay in character and just quickly retie them.  The point is to just fix it without making a big deal of it, and to continue to enjoy yourself

Hopefully I made your next trip to your local hardware store a little more interesting.  Obviously we just scratched the surface of bondage but these eight ways should get your creative juices flowing.  Have fun!  🖤

Keep reading:  Using Safewords »
What are your favorite bondage ideas? Let me know in the comments.

The Ultimate Guide to Being a Submissive

Submissive girl collar sub woman

Serving a Dominant is a very fulfilling lifestyle.  However, many submissive beginners are lost.  They don’t know what the role entails.  Many times they are just looking for someone to fix them, to make them feel more complete.  In all honesty though, being a sub is a lot of work, mentally, emotionally, and sexually.  How can they successfully meet the challenge?  Let’s consider what it truly means to be a good sub.

What a submissive isn’t

First and foremost, a sub is not a doormat.  They have feelings and needs and so they shouldn’t serve apathetically or reluctantly.  A real Dom wouldn’t want a doormat anyway.  They want someone who truly desires to be owned.  Being a sub also isn’t consenting to being abused.  Unlike BDSM, abuse has no limits or safewords.  If you are a sub, be very careful not to give your submission to just anyone.  True submission has to be earned first.  There are many bad Doms out there, and even predators pretending to be Doms.

What is a sub?

The definition of a submissive is an obedient, compliant person who likes to give up control.  They crave being used and need to serve.  They are the subservient partner of a relationship and that is why “sub” is always spelled with a lowercase while “Dom” is always capital.  A submissive can take on many different roles such as:

They strive to please their Dom in all things, not just sexually.  This means that they may have to give up some of their own personal freedoms and preferences.  It is not uncommon for a sub to have a mild and quiet personality. They are obedient, and accept discipline when needed.  Subs aim to conduct themselves  in a respectful and modest manner at all times, recognizing that their behavior is a direct reflection on their Dom.

Challenges to being submissive

Subs are not perfect; they will mess up from time to time.  There’s also the fact that in a 24/7 relationship there are stressors like full-time jobs and children.  It can be hard to work on behavior modification and serving someone else when you are tired and pressed for time.  Also a test to many is being obedient even when not in the presence of their Dom.  One challenge I have had to overcome as a submissive is topping from the bottom.  In the beginning I would rebel a little, or try to subtly undermine my Dom’s decisions.  I’ve learned that instead the best and simplest response I can give is, “Yes, Daddy.”  In the end it makes both of our lives so much easier.

How to be more submissive

A sub should always remember that they should be making their Dom’s life easier, not harder.  Proactively thinking what the Dom  needs in any given moment, and fulfilling it will bring him great pleasure.  One of the greatest ways a sub can do this is sexually of course, and so submitting to any requested act within one’s contract is a must.  They should also try to obey rules to the best of their ability, but if discipline is necessary they should take it willingly.  Wearing a collar, even a discreet one in public, can help keep a sub in the slave mindset.  They are property owned by someone else, and as such they are a representation of their Dom.  This will cause a sub to take great pride in the health and presentation of their bodies.  Ways they can do this are:

  • Getting sufficient sleep
  • Exercising regularly
  • Eating a healthy diet
  • Dressing properly
  • Having good hygiene and grooming

True submission is not just a role, it is a way of life.  Being a submissive means they are held to a higher standard, but it is all worth it.  They will receive the ultimate gift of a Dom’s complete approval.  ♥

What challenges have you or your partner faced with being a sub? Let me know in the comments.

Keep reading:  The Ultimate Guide to Being a Dominant »

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