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Whether you’re a Dom without a sub, or a sub without a Dom, having no partner can be a hard situation to deal with. And starting an online BDSM relationship when you’re single can be very scary. Want to know how to find a Dominant or submissive, or maybe you have a partner already but you wish they were kinkier? Here’s your surefire plan to start taking action, and soon you’ll begin enjoying the lifestyle you always wanted.
A recent Dom Sub Living online survey found that 33% of readers are not currently playing but would like to. That’s a lot. So don’t feel bad if you’re new and haven’t started enjoying a BDSM lifestyle yet. There’s actually lots of reasons why someone may be without a BDSM partner or otherwise feel lonely:
The solution to all of these situations is the same: Don’t give up! Don’t think you’ll always be single or never have the lifestyle you want. Instead of worrying and stressing about how things seem to be, take action and make a plan.
While you’re single, now’s a good time to look back at past relationships and figure out what worked and what didn’t. Whether they were vanilla, kinky, online, or offline, assessing past relationships can help you to not repeat the same mistakes twice. A good place to start is by journaling the answers to these questions:
These questions may be tough but it’s necessary for your growth to take the time to journal and be honest. So reflect on your answers, make the changes, and give yourself time to heal.
Now that you’ve worked out the issues of your past, it’s time to start looking to the future. Make a list of all the qualities you want in your prospective partner. This will act as a type of agreement with yourself, so you can keep your senses and say ‘no’ when your heart and hormones may convince you to settle. Things to put in your list might be:
You could even make a list of questions to ask your new perspective Dom or sub partner. Above all, stand firm for your needs and values, and don’t accept anything less. Be willing to say no to someone who doesn’t meet your standards. You deserve it.
This is the perfect time to get yourself ready for your future partner. What does this mean? First of all, make sure you already have the basics out of the way. Write up a contract between you and your perspective partner. Make sure you know your limits before you enter a relationship, even a short-term one.
I believe a true Dominant or submissive is who they are at all times, even when they have no partner, a vanilla partner, or a BDSM partner who isn’t fulfilling their role. So work on improving yourself now. You can read more about the two roles here:
Remember, right now you are your future partner’s Dom or sub.
Only after you’ve given yourself time and have considered everything above should you begin to think of getting a new partner. I know it can be a real struggle to find a legitimate Dom or sub. That’s why in Lesson 3 of my training course I share the exact process in detail to find a genuine, long-term partner. It’s worked for hundreds of members.
Being without a partner, or having a partner who’s not giving you what you need out of BDSM, can be a frustrating situation. So use this as an opportunity for self-reflection and a chance to better yourself. Focus on doing what you can, and the time will pass much more quickly. I have confidence that if you do these things, soon you will attract the type of partner that you deserve. 🖤
One of the most debated but rarely explained topics in the BDSM community is consensual non-consent, or CNC. The real definition of this type of D/s relationship is one of deep trust, not abuse. And even though the sex fantasy of rape play is pretty common, this kink is still a taboo topic. What is the real meaning of consensual non-consent? And do you still need a contract or agreement? Let’s look closer at CNC, plus I have some stimulating ideas and examples to get you started.
Before we begin discussing everything you need to know about CNC, we need to first understand how it differs from rape play. Even though the two are very similar, rape fantasy or play rape, usually just refers to the sexual act, whereas consensual non-consent can encompass all aspects of a D/s relationship.
Some people use the terms interchangeably, and even rape play is a fantasy for many “vanilla” people. Feel free to use whichever term you’re comfortable with, but always make sure everything is safe, sane, and consensual.
The definition for consensual non-consent is a mutual agreement where the Dom is able to act as if the sub has waived all consent. Complete consent is given beforehand, with the understanding of it being a permanent arrangement under most circumstances.
The bottom line is that this is something the sub has willingly said they wanted. The “non-consensual” part also means that sometimes the Dom may have to make the sub obey if she refuses.
Why would a sub, and especially a slave, say “no” if they already gave their total submission? Simply put, because subs and slaves aren’t robots. They have feelings, needs, wants, and imperfections too. They may disagree with the Dom, and voice it, but they still ultimately want to serve and be used.
If you’re still confused as to the meaning of consensual non-consent, here is what it means to me:
“I like it even when I don’t like it. I want it even when I don’t want it.”
Since trust is so important in consensual non-consent I would say that safewords are preferred. Safewords make everything clear. Of course it’s a good practice for a Dom to remind a sub that they have safewords during an intense scene.
We usually think trust has to do with the sub trusting the Dom, but the Dom has to equally be able to trust their sub. “No means no” in a court of law, regardless if it’s a D/s relationship, or even if there’s a BDSM contract or agreement. A Dom needs to know that the sub is completely willing, even if they’re yelling and crying for something to stop.
If you are in a 24/7 relationship, in your contract or agreement you can discuss removing safewords in certain situations, like during punishments.
For example, some couples don’t allow safewords at all in non-consensual play, as they feel it gives the submissive too much control. An example of this type of D/s relationship is a total power exchange relationship, or TPE.
Download your FREE BDSM contract by clicking the image below:
After a play session, a sub might act completely different if conensual non-consent was involved. After a scene I usually like to cuddle, but if we did some forceful, hard playing I can’t stand to be held.
My Dom knows that it’s difficult for me to receive affection after consensual non-consent, so he’ll give me my space and just maybe rest a hand on my shoulder. It’s not uncommon for a sub to get upset and angry, almost as if they were really abused.
This is because the mind and body are so connected. If a sub’s body is abused in a non-pleasurable way, their mind will begin to associate with that emotionally.
During subdrop they will slowly start to feel safe and in control again. It’s extremely important for the Dom to respect this and not get offended during this time, but to continue to provide aftercare.
Many BDSM players may use the terms rape play and consensual non-consent interchangeably, but as we discussed at the beginning, they are not the same thing. Rape play is just one small aspect of a CNC kink. Even those in a vanilla relationship may have that fantasy.
For some victims of past abuse though, acting it out can be very therapeutic. To them CNC can have a bigger meaning. It can be a way to relive the experience, knowing that they now have the power to make it stop.
If you are going to engage in rape play with someone, make sure limits are clearly discussed/included in your contract or agreement. For example, vaginal rape may be acceptable, but anal may not be.
There are many ways to engage in consensual non-consent, both sexual and non-sexual. If you are in a BDSM relationship, or even if you just play part-time, here are some ideas and examples:
See 30+ punishment ideas here »
Another example of a CNC kink situation is somnophilia. The definition of somnophila is a kink where the Dominant performs sex acts on the submissive while they are unconscious or asleep. The sub would have to give their consent to this situation beforehand. This is actually a sex kink that my Dom and I enjoy on occasion.
Consensual non-consent is probably one of my favorite aspects of a BDSM lifestyle, and brings more meaning to my D/s relationship. Sex can be so much more thrilling when you didn’t say yes.
Forcing someone to do something, or being forced yourself, can be very alluring. Hopefully now that we’ve explained this hotly debated topic and you have some fun ideas, you can begin to safely experience it too. 🖤
Every Dom/sub dynamic is unique, which is why every submissive learns different lessons and tips that work best for them. So for this special blog post, I’m bringing in 15 of my favorite submissives in the BDSM community to answer the question, What’s one thing you wish you knew before becoming a sub?
Now, all of these submissives are actively living the lifestyle. And in this post they’re sharing some of their best advice and lessons that they’ve learned along the way.
You’ll get a taste of a multitude of different perspectives that have allowed them to become their own version of a good sub. From fake doms to kinky empowerment, you’ll get insight into it all.
I cannot wait for you to read their brilliance and reflections!
Now, let’s dive in!
“I wish I knew that males like the idea of being a Dom, but few actually want to do the work. Take the sex out and a lot just flounder and don’t know what to do.” – Sully, Beautifully Bound
“It’s not a utopia. Kinksters talk big about important things like consent and negotiation, but there are good and bad people just like there are in any other walk of life. Some people have bad intentions, and sometimes people with good intentions f*ck up. So we have to keep our eyes open and use our judgement, not just blindly trust everyone who labels themselves ‘kinky’.” – Amy, Coffee and Kink
Learn how to spot a fake dom here »
“I wish I knew more about how deep consent goes. And I wish more people got educated about how deep and how far that word goes. As it has allowed me to explore more, be more confident and comfortable with ‘new to me’ kinks in a D/s relationship.” – Slur7777, on Instagram
“Informed consent. We’ve all heard of consent but informed consent is critical, especially for beginners. As a newbie submissive, one might give consent in the excitement of the moment (e.g. in sub frenzy) and not really know towards what it is that they are consenting. This can be easily avoided by not falling prey to the ridiculous notion that a “good submissive is seen, not heard” and instead ask a LOT of questions.” – Daphne, Master Arcane
Learn the 5 things you need to know about consensual non-consent here »
“It is alright to know what you need from a Dominant. I wish that I had taken the time to figure out what kind of Dominance would feed my submission. Knowing that in advance would have allowed me to better understand what kind of Dominant was a good fit for my submission. Once I have entered a dynamic I want to submit fully and to do that I need to be able to express my needs before the dynamic has begun.” – Claire, Wicked Grounds
“How polyamory is supposed to work, and how deeply painful it can be when it doesn’t. I fell hard for the Dominant who became my Master, and polyamory was required. My personality and that of his primary never meshed, and I don’t think either of us was/is truly poly “at heart.” I don’t think it can work if everyone isn’t wholeheartedly working for the same things. You can be deeply, madly in thrall to someone — but that doesn’t mean he’s worth the sacrifices of polyamory.” – Kate Kinsey, author and educator
“I thought I had to blindly follow the Dom and never show any sign of initiative or personal preference. That resulted in less than optimal sessions because I was afraid it was ‘topping from the bottom.’ Constant requests actually do end up topping from the bottom because the sub in essence is trying to lead the relationship. However, an occasional request when needed is allowed and can be necessary for a better experience for both parties.” – Emily, The BDSM Coaches
Discover 3 topping from the bottom mistakes here »
“I really wish I had known that kink comes in so many shapes and sizes. When I first started exploring, I was under the impression that all kink looked the same, that if you wanted to do X, you had to do Y. I spent a lot of time trying to force myself into molds and boxes because that is ‘what subs do’. Now I know that BDSM is so much more bespoke than I thought, and it’s given me freedom and more fulfilling relationships since I had that realization.” – Evie Lupine, BDSM peer educator
“I think one thing I wish I knew was that it’s all perfectly normal to want to become a sub and have different fetishes than other people. You don’t have to be the same as others that you watch and read about, as everyone has different fetishes and it’s normal.” – Rich, Submissive Blog
See the ultimate guide to being a submissive here »
“I wish I had known just how much work it would be. All the fiction I devoured about the kinky sex and dungeon play never prepared me for being in a D/s relationship. Being a submissive is not about the time spent in bed or tied to a piece of BDSM furniture. Being a submissive is about working in concert with your partner to build a D/s relationship that is future proof. And that is rewarding and challenging work, indeed.” – Luna, Submissive Reflection
“Something I wish I knew before becoming a sub is how nurturing submission can feel. Before going there, I thought submission looked like abuse, but there’s a lot of empowerment and safety that can come from it.” –Anne, Medium
“What I wish I knew before choosing to embrace my submissive side, is that submission begins in the mind, and is not something to be applied from the outside.” – Lola, Kink Lovers
Get a free submissive journal here »
“I wish I’d known being submissive was possible. Recognizing my need for submission was a light bulb moment. All the things I thought were “wrong” with me actually had a name and there were others just like me. I wish I’d known in those early days that submission can be whatever works for you and a partner. It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else, even other submissives.” –Kayla Lords, Loving BDSM
“Transitioning from a vanilla marriage is tough!! Letting go of old habits and practicing mindfulness 24/7 was the toughest part. Dom Sub Training helped me focus on the importance of showing Sir each and every day how much this life means to me.” – Tina, Dom Sub Training member
Learn how to go from vanilla to BDSM and kink here »
“I wish I knew how powerful being a submissive is. In the beginning I thought subs were weak, broken creatures that needed a Dom to ‘fix’ them. That couldn’t be farther than the truth. Submission allows a person to gain control and stability over their lives. While a good Dom can help guide them to become the best version of themselves, submitting is still a choice. Knowing that I chose to be a submissive is extremely empowering.” –Alesandra (learn more about me here)
**Special thanks to everyone who shared their words of wisdom with me for this article!**
I’d love to read your response to the all-important question: What’s the one thing you wish you’d known before you became a sub? Please share in the comments. And don’t forget to grab your free cheat sheet below!
During a BDSM scene or other kink activities, the Dominant and submissive can experience a huge endorphin rush. It can be a shock when it is all over, for Doms and for subs. A proper checklist helps prevent this. It’s a way for those in a D/s (Dom/sub) relationship to calm back down. If your aftercare kit has room for improvement, or worse, is nonexistent, then these ideas can help. But first, let’s cover the definition of aftercare and the meaning of subdrop.
Want a free checklist to help you get the most out of aftercare? Click the button below and send it to your partner too!
What exactly is aftercare? Here is the actual definition:
“Aftercare refers to the attention given to a sub at the end of a scene. It often includes the Dom utilizing various pampering techniques on the sub in an effort to provide comfort after having an intense experience that can leave them in a vulnerable state.”
Intense pleasure or pain can cause a strong “high”, and when emotions and endorphins come crashing down subdrop can occur. Here is the meaning of subdrop:
“Subdrop is an experience with similar characteristics of depression that occurs after an intense BDSM scene. It is caused by adrenaline and endorphin crashes.”
So as you can see from these definitions, proper aftercare helps prevent subdrop, so the Dom and sub can slowly get back in touch with reality. Keep reading for my top 10 ideas for aftercare.
This is probably one of the most simplest things a Dominant forgets to do. During a scene a submissive’s body temperature usually increases and afterwards it drops, making the sub cold and uncomfortable. Before a Dom relaxes they should cover up the sub with a blanket.
If the sub was completely naked they are also probably feeling exposed and vulnerable and this simple act can help them feel at ease. Plus, after a very intense session a sub is usually too exhausted to cover themselves up.
A sub craves to be told that they are good and that they did a good job. When their Dom says those words to them, it helps them to emotionally relax. It’s not uncommon for a sub to have doubts and insecurities after a session. Knowing they have their Dom’s approval gives them immense satisfaction.
If there was rape play or consensual non-consent during a scene, then it is extremely important for the Dom to be caring and calm, even saying, “I love you,” if it’s appropriate for the relationship.
Just like how a sub can be verbally reassured, they can also be physically reassured. When a Dom holds and cuddles a sub it helps them to feel safe and protected.
Other small ways to make physical contact include snuggling, petting, pats on the head, and forehead kisses. Feeling their Dom’s strong arms around them can go a long way in helping establish a sense of security in a D/s relationship.
After an intense kink scene, it is a good idea for both parties to rehydrate. However, it is the Dom’s responsibility to get their sub a glass of water to drink. Moreover, drinking water can help prevent headaches, muscles aches, and urinary tract infections.
Therefore, having two glasses of water nearby before a BDSM scene starts is a good habit to get into.
BDSM scenes can be quite dirty. Sweat, lubes, bodily fluids, wax – they all need to be cleaned up. The Dom can get a towel and wipe up their sub and themselves. They can also help straighten things back up and put away any toys and other implements.
Sometimes a shower may be needed and the Dom can help wash the sub. This can be another opportunity to reconnect.
A sub may have marks and bruises from a hard and intense kink session. The Dom can massage limbs that were tied up, and apply lotion to any other sore spots. Some people swear by arnica cream but any lotion without menthol or alcohol is good. My favorite to use is one with shea butter.
Having Advil in your kit (brought with the water from tip #4) can help prevent swelling and bruising.
Stuffies, or stuffed toys, are another tool in providing proper aftercare. Littles especially love stuffies, and having one to cuddle and recuperate with helps them cope and deal with loneliness. Therefore, a Dom should bring the stuffie to their little after a play session.
On the other hand, if the little doesn’t own a stuffie, this is a good opportunity for the Dom to buy them one.
This one is probably my favorite for obvious reasons. It may be the farthest thing from their mind after a hard scene but an orgasm can help the sub calm down, and to refocus.
Being beaten and used is a very stressful thing to experience and an orgasm can help a sub release that. Also the Dom may have already orgasmed and taking care of the sub can help them not feel neglected.
For a simple (and free!) aftercare kit checklist, just CLICK HERE and it will be emailed to you instantly.
After all the previous steps have been taken, it’s good for a D/s relationship if both individuals discuss a scene after it’s over. Doing all the relevant previous steps ensures that they are both calm and relaxed and can talk freely and openly.
This is a good time to figure out what went great, and what you’d like to try next time.
Even if you’re married or in a long-term D/s relationship, next day communication is really important. Subdrop can occur even days after a play session, so even a simple text or phone call can mean a lot.
Journaling can also help a sub to express their emotions productively, and the Dom can even assign a specific writing assignment based on the play session.
Aftercare for Doms is something that rarely gets talked about in the BDSM community. Domdrop is a real occurrence though, and can be prevented with some of the ideas and activities above.
Some of the feelings that a Dom can have include depression, guilt, exhaustion, vulnerability, insecurity, and anxiety. In addition to the above ideas, here is a checklist for Doms:
A successful D/s relationship depends not just on hardcore scenes, but also on well planned, proper aftercare. As you can see, there are so many different ways and activities to ensure that this happens, even for Doms. Communicate what you need and want afterwards, and the play sessions are sure to keep getting better and better. 🖤
In the BDSM community there is a saying: Safe, Sane, Consensual, or SSC. Whether you are new to the Dom/sub lifestyle or have been playing for a long time, this is the foundation for any D/s relationship. You should always follow these three principles and so should your partner. But what does Safe, Sane, Consensual mean in real life? Here’s how to practically implement SSC, so you can enjoy the lifestyle to the full.
Before engaging in BDSM, there should alway be a discussion of limits, both hard and soft. Respect these at all times. All effort should be made to make a scene as safe as possible, especially for the Dominant setting it up. Examples include:
Of course there are MANY more safety issues but the point is they need to be communicated, identified, and prevented. Nobody wants an embarrassing visit to the emergency room or to have to call the fire department.
Both the Dom and the sub should be adults in a sound state of mind. Even though BDSM is a form of therapy for some, if there are severe mental health issues present make sure to address them with a professional.
Also under the principle of “Sane”: Don’t do anything stupid! For example, if you want to play rape, don’t kidnap your partner in public and attack them. You will most likely end up in jail.
“Sane” also implies that all parties are honest about their intentions, expectations, abilities, training, and experience levels.
You can learn more about fake and abusive Doms or subs here.
Download your FREE contract here.
Even with consensual non-consent there should be a prior discussion and an extreme amount of trust. No one should ever reluctantly practice BDSM just to make someone else happy. From simple kink to Total Power Exchange, from playful spankings to hardcore punishments, EVERYTHING has to be consensual.
You can learn more about consensual non-consent here.
Always keep and respect the three principles of SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual) . They are what separates BDSM from criminal abuse or neurotic self-destructive behavior. Have fun, but make sure to always play responsibly. 🖤
Bondage is one of the fundamental aspects of BDSM. It may seem like just a sex kink, but it’s so much more than rope ties, tying someone up, or being tied. Real physical and emotional gratification comes from bondage. How can you get started and enjoy it safely, even if you’re a beginner? Here are 8 ideas plus tips to inspire you.
I thought I’d start with one of my favorite ideas. Zip ties are used to hold together cables or wires and are made out of a plastic-like nylon. They usually come in clear or black and are really easy to use. Simply put them around the wrists like handcuffs, thread the tail through the loop, and they’re locked.
I like them because they are super strong, and the material can cut into my skin when I struggle. They can leave nice marks too. The ties come in different sizes so make sure to buy the longer ones. They are easy to get out of quickly because you just cut them to release them.
The only down side is that they are not reusable, but you can buy a lot of them really cheap, so they’re great for a beginner.
This is a really sexy way to enjoy bondage even if you are a beginner or in a vanilla relationship. A man’s tie, made of silk or satin, is the perfect size and length to get started with bondage.
There are many ways to use one. It can be used to tie the hands behind the back of the body, or in the front. Once the wrists are tied, the Dom could tie the end to a bed frame or another piece of furniture. It can also be secured around the sub’s neck like a traditional tie, and used as a leash to lead them around.
It’s versatile enough to be used as a blindfold or even a beginner gag. Really the possibilities are endless.
Another fun piece of BDSM equipment, a spreader bar is used to keep the limbs apart. It is usually attached to the ankles and the bar’s length is increased to open the legs wider.
Some spreader bars also have cuffs for the wrists too, so the hands are attached right next to the feet. This gives the Dom easy access to do to the sub whatever they wish. If the spreader bar has a key make sure beforehand that it works properly and it is within reach at all times.
These can be really thrilling to use because they play into the whole “bad cop” fantasy. Metal ones are nice because they can press into the skin and give a masochistic sub more pleasure. As with all of the previous bondage ideas there are a lot of hand placement options.
They can even be hooked through something overhead like a clothes rod while the sub is standing. Just be careful not to make them too tight because they could do some real damage. And make sure the key works and is accessible. No one likes to make an embarrassing call to a locksmith.
This is probably the best known tool for bondage and doesn’t require a trip to a sex store. Rope can be used to tie a sub in lots of different positions. “Hog tie,” where the hands are tied to the feet behind the back, makes the sub extremely vulnerable.
The best beginner rope is subjective, but I prefer smooth, usually nylon so it doesn’t chafe the skin. If you like it to feel rough then I recommend a natural fiber like manila hemp. In our bedroom we have ropes tied to the four corners of our bed at all times. My Dom will use more rope or cable ties to attach me to the corners in various positions.
When we are done playing the rope can be tucked back under the bed out of sight and ready for the next play session. People who enjoy being tied up in BDSM are usually called “Rope Bunnies”.
Shibari and Kinbaku are two terms to describe a type of Japanese bondage. Although the words are sometimes used interchangeably they are actually two different things. Shibari usually refers to general, artistic rope tying, while Kinbaku is a more sexual form of it.
Today you can see rope Masters performing intricate bondage styles at different shows and events. The art is more in the ritualistic way it is done than in the finished project. There are also many designs and techniques like the crotch rope tie, Strappado bondage (where the hands are tied behind and pulled up), and suspension bondage.
See a picture of me enjoying Shibari here.
My play collar has a big “O” ring on the front of it that can be used for many things. A Dom could use zip ties, a suit tie, or ropes to secure the sub’s hands to the collar. A traditional leash or chain can also be hooked onto it to keep the sub restrained.
Some collars have “O” rings in multiple places so the sub can be bound from the back of the neck too. Look for a well made collar that is comfortable but strong enough to take a lot of pulling. See more ideas for collars here.
Sometimes, despite a Dom’s best tying skills, a restraint may come undone. It’s going to happen. There’s no need to be embarrassed, get frustrated, or end a scene. If a sub notices that a rope is coming loose for instance they can just playfully say, “Master, I think my restraints need to be tighter.”
Or if a Dom sees that a sub is getting loose even in a rape play scene, they can stay in character and just quickly retie them. The point is to just fix it without making a big deal of it, and to continue to enjoy yourself.
Hopefully I made your next trip to your local hardware store a little more interesting. Obviously we just scratched the surface of BDSM bondage but these eight ideas and tips should get your creative juices flowing. Have fun! 🖤
Probably one of the best BDSM movies is Secretary. It stars actors Maggie Gyllenhaal and James Spader as the characters Lee Holloway and E. Edward Grey. There is so much I love about this movie: the quotes, the horse scene, and the deeper meaning of pain explained. Here is my review and why it’s one of the best BDSM films out there (and also where to watch it right now).
Here’s a little synopsis first: Secretary is a 2002 Indie film that explores the relationship between a dominant lawyer and his submissive secretary.
After I had seen the trailer for the movie I just assumed it was about a kinky boss. I didn’t know anything about Lee being a cutter. As a person who has been involved with self-harm also, it was very hard to watch the cutting scenes. I got a little angry at first, thinking the movie was just stereotyping submissives.
But then I started to think, “Maybe I’m not the only one, maybe there is a correlation.” If you do practice self harm, or have in the past, I would love to hear about it in the comments. A big part of the film’s story revolves around Lee’s cutting, so I loved that it talked openly about such a taboo topic.
The only part that was a little disappointing was when Edward tells her, “You will never, ever cut yourself again. Do you understand? Have I made that perfectly clear. You’re over that now. It’s in the past.”
I thought it was a good response for a Dominant to say, but of course she never ends up cutting herself after he says it. I thought that was a little unrealistic.
Secretary isn’t a mainstream erotic movie like 50 Shades of Grey. I kept wondering why it was given an “R” rating until the very end when there was one sex scene. Secretary explores what Dominance and submission can look like in real life, and how pain can be so fulfilling.
It also deals with obsessive compulsive disorders and the need for control. Edward tells her how much to eat, and gives her tasks to do. One I really liked was when he told Lee to go for a walk. She obeyed and during her walk she said to herself:
“When I thought about it, I realized I probably never had taken a walk alone. But because he had given me the permission to do this, because he insisted on it. I felt held by him as I walked alone. I felt he was with me.”
To me this really embodies the purpose of rituals and how meaningful they can be.
One of my favorite quotes from the movie is when Lee is sitting at her boss’s desk, with her forearms on the table and she refuses to move. Her ex-fiance asks her if she’s doing something sexual. She replies angrily, “Does this look sexual to you?” It’s a myth that BDSM is only sexual and that part really illustrated that it’s not.
Secretary deals with kink like it’s completely natural, even in the scene where Edward treats Lee like a horse. In an interview, director Steven Shainberg said he wanted to show that BDSM relationships can be normal. He didn’t want to do a story where Lee overcomes her cutting and learns she doesn’t need pain anymore.
Lee says to herself at the end of the movie: “I feel more than I’ve ever felt, and I’ve found someone to feel with, to play with, to love, in a way that feels right for me.” And Edward learns that his OCD behavior is not something he has to hide from Lee.
The director also said that they could’ve dealt with the S&M material in a dark way, but they wanted the total opposite: they wanted to show that the nature of the relationship freed the characters to be their natural selves. And in the end that’s what happens. Lee and Edward live happily ever after, living their lifestyle 24/7.
I really hope that if you haven’t seen Secretary yet that you do so soon. There are a lot of great quotes in it, and It may give you a new perspective on what a BDSM relationship can be. You can watch it online through Amazon Prime, iTunes, YouTube, Google Play, Vudu, or Hulu.
Whether you are just curious about BDSM or you have been playing for a long time, you have probably encountered many myths about it. Below are some of the top ones debunked. These were originally featured in the newsletter for “Dom Sub Living” and more will continue to be added.
FACT: If a sub is new to BDSM or coming into a new relationship, it is a huge red flag if they say they don’t have safewords. Safewords build trust and bring meaning into the relationship. Be comfortable using them and you will experience greater pleasure.
FACT: People who are dominant in life will sometimes take on a submissive role in the bedroom, and vice versa. It’s normal to want a break from being how you are at work or in your day to day relationships.
FACT: People who practice BDSM can be monogamous, polyamorous, or whatever they want to be. Not everyone who’s interested in a kinky lifestyle has multiple sexual or relationship partners. Many are looking for a long-term relationship, or just want to play with their current partner.
FACT: Switches can be straight, gay, or bi. Just because a person likes switching between Dominant and submissive roles, doesn’t mean they like switching their sexual orientation.
One of the questions I get asked the most is, “How do I go from vanilla to BDSM?” (The definition of vanilla is plain, normal, or boring.) Maybe the person read the book 50 Shades of Grey, or wants to incorporate kink into their relationship or sex life to bring more meaning to it. It can be hard when you are already married or dating and you want to switch to a kinky lifestyle. Here is how to make your journey successful.
*If you want to help your partner be more dominant, submissive, or kinky, be sure to check out my new workshop.*
One of the awesome things about a D/s lifestyle is that there is usually a whole lot more communication than a vanilla one. Start by telling your partner what you already like about your relationship. Then you can begin to tell them things you want to maybe try or are just curious about.
Ask them what their kinky fantasies are. This may take a few tries so keep things positive and be patient. Saying the word “BDSM” may scare them off so maybe just talk about the aspects of it you like. This can be things like:
Sometimes a person has to get comfortable just talking about how to go from vanilla to kink before they feel they can make the switch to doing it in real life. Read articles on Domsubliving.com together and keep your conversations light and fun.
Contracts are one of the things that the book 50 Shades of Grey actually got right, but contracts don’t have to be for hardcore D/s couples. Experts say that talking about sex openly and writing it down in a contract brings meaning to even vanilla relationships.
If you need somewhere to start, download a free template here.
Contracts can include roles and what those involve (even if it’s just your names and titles like husband, wife, boyfriend, or girlfriend). Other things to cover are:
Don’t be embarrassed or take yourself too seriously. Have fun discussing your contract and check in regularly to see if it’s working or to renegotiate.
Whether you’re vanilla or practicing BDSM, you shouldn’t expect perfection from your partner. Remember, this isn’t the book 50 Shades of Grey.
Resentment builds when one person starts to feel like the other isn’t fulfilling their role. In D/s this could be the Dom feeling like their sub isn’t being submissive enough, or the sub feeling like their Dom isn’t being dominant enough. What should you do when this happens?
As always: communicate. If talking about how to go from vanilla to BDSM makes you feel uncomfortable or you’re hitting a brick wall, a journal can be a safe place to express your feelings freely. Journaling is great for any relationship, vanilla or kinky.
You can download a free journal here which includes prompts to help you get started.
You may be tempted to jump right into a kinky lifestyle, but start slow. Remember, the book 50 Shades of Grey is not real life. In the BDSM community “Safe, Sane, and Consensual” is extremely important, and not just during sex.
If not practiced correctly, a D/s relationship can be dangerous, both physically and emotionally. However, when it is enjoyed in a healthy way it can be extremely fulfilling and bring deep meaning to a relationship. I hope with these suggestions all who want to can go from vanilla to BDSM and kink successfully. 🖤