BDSM TOPPING FROM THE BOTTOM

3 Signs of Topping from the Bottom

In BDSM the phrase “Topping from the Bottom” describes when a submissive starts to become more of the dominant in the relationship.  It sometimes happens subconsciously but can also be done on purpose.  It’s a lot like using reverse psychology, and can turn the tables of control without the Dominant realizing it.  Usually the subs are the most to blame for this manipulation, but the Dom is equally at fault when he allows it to happen.  I admit that I have topped from the bottom before, and it can be a hard habit to break.  Here are three signs of topping from the bottom, and what both parties can do to fix it.

Topping from the bottom

1.  Being a constant brat

Now some Doms like their sub a little bratty every once in awhile.  There’s nothing wrong with that.  It can keep things interesting.  Where it becomes a problem is when a sub is routinely a brat, using the behavior to lash out.  Instead of a way to be more playful, it becomes the main way to receive attention and to get what they need.  Needless to say it can irritate and Dom and make him want to give up.

What the sub can do:

If you genuinely want more attention or feel that your needs aren’t getting met, speak up!  As long as it’s done respectfully there is nothing wrong we communicating what you want.  For example, I’ve acted out before after a hard day just to get in trouble.  I know this will get me that stress-relieving spanking I so desperately need.  I’ve learned though that it’s so much better to say,  “Daddy, I’ve had a hard day.  Can you please spank me?”  It makes him happy and so much more aware of my feelings.  And the next time he sees me stressed he knows exactly what I need.  If you’re not comfortable speaking up, you can also write your feelings in a journal that your Dom can read.

What the Dom can do:

When you catch your sub being bratty try to figure out if they’re just acting out for attention.  Instead of just immediately turning to discipline, ask your sub what’s really going on.  If you sense they’re upset give them permission to talk.  Encourage them to maybe use an “I statement”, a phrase where they say, “I feel X when you do Y, and I’d rather you do Z.”  Also, having your sub kneel while you talk to them about their unacceptable bratty behavior can put them back in their place.

2.  Safewording… a lot

Let me start off by saying that there is nothing wrong with using safewords.  They are a sacred part of BDSM, and are there to make sure everything stays safe, sane, and consensual.  A sub should never feel guilty when she uses them legitimately.  The problem arises when it becomes a way to get out of something they just don’t want to do.  It can become the vanilla equivalent of saying they have a headache.  Besides sexual requests they may use a safeword when a situation becomes too emotionally difficult and they just want a break.  The sub becomes the one in control when they safeword because they don’t WANT to do something, not that they CAN’T do something.

What the sub can do:

Before you safeword, ask yourself if you’re just trying to avoid doing something.  If you were to meet your Dom’s demands would it really incur physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, or other harm?  If not, safewording in that instance would be dishonest and could lead to a break in trust.  Remember that topping from the bottom in this way isn’t playing fair.

What the Dom can do:

If your sub safewords, remember that it means they are close to their limit of endurance, or they cannot tolerate any further demands.  Always respect their safeword even if you believe it isn’t genuine.  Your actions should cease completely with immediate effect.  Afterwards, if you do believe the safeword was used casually, tell your sub.  Remind them of the real purpose of BDSM safewords and that misusing them will break your trust.  This firm lecture will probably be enough to put them back in their place.

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3.  Saying, “Well, actually I think…”

When a Dom makes a decision it should stand.  A sub from time to time can voice their opinion respectfully when necessary.  But routinely getting a Dom to change their mind will only  hurt the relationship.  This can happen in many different areas.  The Dom may want to have sex in a certain position, but the sub suggests another one instead.  Or he says they’re going to eat at a particular restaurant, but she says she’d rather go to a different one. When this happens and the Dom gives in, it shifts the control in the relationship.

What the sub can do:

When your Dom makes a decision, don’t undermine it.  Even if it’s not what you were wanting that doesn’t matter.  Your role is to please your Dom.  If it’s something you really disagree with you can let them know respectfully.  Another option is to ask them afterwards if next time you can do your choice.  Remember:  you are in a BDSM relationship, and he is your Dominant.  Topping from the bottom will only erode that.

What the Dom can do:

When your sub says, “Well, actually I think…” listen to their suggestion, but then let them know that you are the Dom and you make the decisions.  When they do go along with what you want make sure to give them praise.  It is OK to give your sub choices every once in awhile, but do not make it a habit of yielding to them.

Remember that regularly topping from the bottom is bringing manipulation into a BDSM relationship.  Stay focused in your role as a Dom or a sub, and the power and control will remain healthy.

What is your experience of topping from the bottom? Share your thoughts in the comments.  🖤

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2 thoughts on “3 Signs of Topping from the Bottom”

  1. I did topping from bottom once but it was cause my ex wanted anal and I didn’t trust him to prepare me for it and once he went for it I move to let him fuck my pussy.

    1. Michelle,
      I’m glad you didn’t give in to your ex, and I wouldn’t really classify that as “topping from the bottom”. Trust needs to be earned first, and that’s why discussing limits is so important. Thank you so much for sharing!

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