The word “scene” comes up a lot in the kink community. Many people however will sometimes misuse this term. The real definition of a scene is a BDSM activity or encounter that involves a Dominant and submissive. It may also be referred to as “play” or “session,” but it doesn’t have to involve sexual activity. If you’re new to the lifestyle though, or even if you’ve been playing for a while, you’ve probably wondered, “Am I doing it right?” Well I have some fun ideas to help you with scene etiquette and structure so you can bring more meaning to your next play session. Don’t forget to download your free PDF, based on some of my scenes with my Dom, here.
Know your BDSM scene etiquette
No matter how many years of experience you do or don’t have, you should always follow proper scene etiquette. This is especially true if you’re playing with strangers at dungeons or clubs. Good communication beforehand can help both parties relax so that they can focus on enjoying the session. Here are some things to keep in mind:
- Ideally, already have a contract in place
- Know each other’s hard and soft limits
- Refer to each other by the titles and names you prefer
- Know the safewords to be used and respect them at all times
- Make sure you are following SSC protocol
Scene etiquette doesn’t have to be too complicated, and once you’ve been playing with someone for a while it becomes second nature. But it is good to revisit it from time to time, to make sure you’re playing correctly and safely.
The Dom should have everything ready
This is huge because it will kill the mood if you have to go fumble looking for rope or lube halfway during a scene. One thing my Dom likes to do is lay out everything on the bed when we start. This serves two purposes: One- it puts everything within reach so it’s easily accessible, and two- it creates anticipation and makes me think about what he’s going to do to me. Another thing you could do is put everything in a toy box and have it nearby so you can simply grab it. Just make sure everything is organized and easily accessible.
Have a beginning, middle, and end
Your scene doesn’t have to have a plot like a BDSM porno movie, but you should have a general plan of how things will progress. Having a good sequence also keeps you from just doing things randomly without a purpose in mind. It also makes the submissive confident that the Dominant knows what they’re doing. Here are the basics of each part of a scene:
Beginning- Sets the mood and builds anticipation. This can be mostly verbal to start out with. Light teasing is also good.
Middle- More intense playing can start. This may be where the sub begins to wonder if they will be able to last.
End- The Dom brings the sub back down gradually. Both of them may have already orgasmed.
Want to see what this looks like in an actually play session? Download one here »
Build tension in your play session
This is what keeps a scene from becoming routine, even if you’re always playing with the same person. Just like every story needs a conflict, so should every good BDSM play session. This doesn’t have to be huge, like rape play, but there should be some element of tension. Here are some ideas:
- The sub could act a little bratty, or even just slightly resist.
- The Dom could push the sub to the point of using a safeword like “yellow”.
- The sub could be given a task to do, with consequences or rewards.
When thinking about ideas for building tension, try to do it not just physically, but emotionally too. Which brings us to our next scene strategy:
For the Dominant: Create a sense of fear
When a sub is slightly afraid, their nervous system is more heightened. This doesn’t mean they have to be genuinely scared, but there should be that fear of the unknown. Not knowing what the Dom will do next will be a huge turn on for them. The easiest way to achieve this is by taking away one or more senses. The sub could be blindfolded, restrained in some way, given earphones with loud music, or even gagged. The Dominant can then give pleasure or pain unexpectedly.
I hope you loved learning about how to set up a scene. Just remember: your main goal should be for you and your partner to connect and enjoy each other. So relax, apply the strategies in this article, and I know your next play session will be so much more intense. Have fun playing! 🖤