One of the most controversial subjects in the BDSM community is consensual non-consent. A lot of other blogs will tell you that in a Dominant/submissive (D/s) relationship, once you give your consent you cannot take it away. And even though the fantasy of rape play is pretty common, it’s still a taboo topic. What is the real meaning of consensual non-consent? Let’s take a closer look at what it is, plus I have some stimulating ideas to get you started.
1. Consensual non-consent meaning
The definition for consensual non-consent is a mutual agreement where the Dom is able to act as if the sub has waived all consent. Complete consent is given beforehand, with the understanding of it being a permanent arrangement under most circumstances. The bottom line is that this is something the sub has willingly said they wanted. The “non-consensual” part also means that sometimes the Dom may have to make the sub obey if she refuses. Why would a sub, and especially a slave, say “no” if they already gave their total submission? Simply put, because subs and slaves aren’t robots. They have feelings, needs, wants, and imperfections too. They may disagree with the Dom, and voice it, but they still ultimately want to serve and be used.
If you’re still confused as to the meaning of consensual non-consent, here is what it means to me:
I like it even when I don’t like it. I want it even when I don’t want it.
2. Do you need Safewords?
Since trust is so important in consensual non-consent I would say that safewords are vital. Safewords make everything clear. Of course it’s a good practice for a Dom to remind a sub that they have safewords during an intense scene. We usually think trust has to do with the sub trusting the Dom, but the Dom has to equally be able to trust their sub. “No means no” in a court of law, regardless if it’s a D/s relationship, even if there’s a BDSM contract. A Dom needs to know that the sub is completely willing, even if they’re yelling and crying for something to stop. If you are in a 24/7 relationship you can discuss removing safewords in certain situations, like during punishments.
3. Subdrop and Aftercare will be different
After a play session, a sub might act completely different if conensual non-consent was involved. After a scene I usually like to cuddle, but if we did some forceful, hard playing I can’t stand to be held. My Dom knows that it’s difficult for me to receive affection after consensual non-consent, so he’ll give me my space and just maybe rest a hand on my shoulder. It’s not uncommon for a sub to get upset and angry, almost as if they were really abused. This is because the mind and body are so connected. If a sub’s body is abused in a non-pleasurable way, their mind will begin to associate with that emotionally. During subdrop they will slowly start to feel safe and in control again. It’s extremely important for the Dom to respect this and not get offended during this time, but to continue to provide aftercare.
4. Rape play is more than just fantasy
Many BDSM players may use the terms rape play and consensual non-consent interchangeably, but they are not the same thing. Rape play is just one small aspect of it. Even those in a vanilla relationship may have that fantasy. For some victims of past abuse though, acting it out can be very therapeutic. To them it can be a way to relive the experience, knowing that they now have the power to make it stop. If you are going to engage in rape play with someone, make sure limits are clearly discussed. For example, vaginal rape may be acceptable, but anal may not be.
5. Ideas for D/s sex and beyond
There are many ways to engage in consensual non-consent, both sexual and non-sexual. If you are in a BDSM relationship, or even if you just play part-time, here are some ideas:
- The Dom can dress up like an actually attacker (if they wear a mask, make sure at least part of the face is visible so the sub knows it’s not a real attacker)
- Use rope to tie up the sub and gag them during sex
- Enforce punishments that the sub will not like
- Engage in pain play that tests the sub’s limits
Consensual non-consent is probably one of my favorite aspects of a BDSM lifestyle. Sex can be so much more thrilling when you didn’t say yes. Forcing someone to do something, or being forced yourself, can be very alluring. I hope you get to enjoy this experience too.