bdsm myths

BDSM Myths You Need to Stop Believing Now

Whether you are just curious about BDSM or you have been playing for a long time, you have probably encountered many myths about it.  Below are some of the top ones debunked.  These were originally featured in the newsletter for “Dom Sub Living” and more will continue to be added.

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bdsm myths

Myth: Real subs don’t have safewords

FACT: If a sub is new to BDSM or coming into a new relationship, it is a huge red flag if they say they don’t have safewords.  Safewords build trust and bring meaning into the relationship.  Be comfortable using them and you will experience greater pleasure.

Myth: BDSM is always sexual

FACT: During scenes it is not uncommon for there to be no sexual contact with the other person.  Also many find gratification in the nonsexual aspects of rituals and ageplay.

Myth: Ageplayers are Pedophiles

FACT: Pedophillia is having sexual feelings towards children, and a sub is a consenting adult.  For example, a DaddyDom wants to be with HIS little girl, not little girls in general.

Myth: A person who is dominant or submissive in life will prefer that role in BDSM

FACT:  People who are dominant in life will sometimes take on a submissive role in the bedroom, and vice versa.  It’s normal to want a break from being how you are at work or in your day to day relationships.

Myth: People who practice BDSM have multiple partners

FACT:  People who practice BDSM can be monogamous, polyamorous, or whatever they want to be. Not everyone who’s interested in a kinky lifestyle has multiple sexual or relationship partners. Many are looking for a long-term relationship, or just want to play with their current partner.

Myth: Switches are usually bisexual

FACT:  Switches can be straight, gay, or bi. Just because a person likes switching between Dominant and submissive roles, doesn’t mean they like switching their sexual orientation.

What myth do you hate hearing? Tell me in the comments.

Read more:  How to go from vanilla to BDSM and kink  »

28 thoughts on “BDSM Myths You Need to Stop Believing Now”

  1. The Myth that most Dominant Women are man haters and man abusers.
    That is simply Not true.
    Most Dominant Women truly care about their male sub/slave.

    There are always exception, but we must always be mindful of who we interact with no matter what the situation is, in and out of the lifestyle

    This is also the same for a Male Dom and female sub/slave

    1. Well I’ve heard that virgin Doms are bad Doms and no sub would go for a virgin Dom, is that true? Cuz I’ve been reading a lot of BDSM guides and guides on how to be a Dom and they never talk about that.

      Ps: I’m a virgin and I’ve been researching on how to be a good Dom/ Master and I’m currently single 😕.

          1. I think in Jason case he will read all sayings about being a dom but its the individual who is new does his research well and read what the guides say here be trusting and caring in his new role and most of all a gentleman to his sub its important that that TRUST isn’t broken and keep what is been agreed between the two parties or more involved

      1. I completely agree, and would like to extend that to virgin subs, who are also talked very badly about from what I have been seeing. I too have been reading guides on how to be a good sub and many seem to look on virgin subs as being unable to understand/ unable to know their preferences.
        To a point, that might be actually true, as some things can only be experienced in a duo, but I’m still going to argue that one can still try out many things in selfbondage 😀

        PS: as propably guessed already, I am a virgin and want to be a sub sometime, though I am currently single

        1. I was a virgin with my Dom and that wasn’t a problem. It doesn’t matter that you’re inexperienced. You may worry that you won’t be as good as others he’s been with. But it’s ok, he can teach you how to pleasure him 😊

      2. Your sexual experiences should not be the main topic unless all you seek is a sex slave. BDSM is mental, physical, and emotional. Sex is the benefit of the relationship just as it is in the vanilla world. Focus your attention on learning to be a good Dom/Master and the sexual benefits will come with the sub/slave you choose

  2. I really dislike it when it is assumed that being in the life or a kinkster is considered freakish or that you like to be abused.
    This is so terribly far from the truth. I rarely talk about my sexual life with friends when the topic arrises because if the judgement.
    It’s right up there with the assumption that men who like anal play are gay!
    Very upsetting to me!

    1. Bill, you are not alone…
      Think of this way..
      We would not ask a toddler to teach us how to drive a car, and we would not expect them to understand what is truly involved and how responsible we must be when driving a car.

      I find this to be the same case with vanilla friends and them wanting or having a concept of this lifestyle.

      When and only when they are ready to allow themselves to understand and learn (even if only through the means of reading or talking about it.) will they truly Hear you.

      Don’t spin your wheels on ice, it gets you know where.
      you will find much more comfort in finding a kink minded friend to discuss these matters with and when with your vanilla friends avoid the conversation by excusing yourself from it or by not participating in the conversation if you do not want the grief and frustration.

      you owe no-one an explanation and it is not your place to educate those who are not willing to truly hear you.

      May you find home, peace and comfort in all you do..
      Always be true to yourself, but that doesn’t mean you owe anyone an explanation.

      Stay safe in these uncertain times.

  3. I am new to this wonderful lifestyle so thankyou for the advice you have all posted. I am very interested in both dom and sub and need guidance. How can I meet like minded people. Regards Brendon

  4. A few of the huge myths:
    1. Submissives are manipulated.
    2. You need to be sadistic to be a good Dom.
    3. If you are sadistic you can not love your partner.

    These are the ones from people who don’t live the lifestyle. However…. there is one that I find highly disturbing- and lives among wannabe Doms. Its this one:

    I am dominant, so you respect me.

    In my opinion, respect is to be earned, not taken.

    Here is what I believe: A true dom always puts his submissive’s needs first. Before his own.

    Alesandra, I love your views and the way you are able to explain things so clearly. Thank you.

  5. Just wanting to know more on starting this…husband and I are putting our marriage back together after a year and a half…I thought this would be not just new…but a blast!!!

    1. Hi Lori
      Not only is BDSM a blast, but it is a great way for you and your partner to truly know each other. Journaling is a great way to let your feeling’s be known if you are unable to voice them.
      You came to the perfect place to learn and become educated about BDSM. I have found that Alessandra and Dom sub living has supplied me with the best information out there they’ll never steer you wrong good luck and I hope you and your husband work things out.

  6. I’m a virgin but am very interested in the BDSM lifestyle and would LOVE to engage. Although I have no physical experience, I have met and engaged with many people online who are a part of the BDSM community. Through them I have discovered and learned my preferences and my kinks, but sometimes I feel I might be too complicated for another to want to engage with me sexually in that way. I know I’m more dominant sexually, but I don’t mind switching at all. I’m in no way a masochist, but I DO like the aspect of being restrained. I have very sadistic fantasies and would love to engage in sexual torture, but have an extremely bratty personality. I also feel my non binary identity might put some people off.

    1. Hi Gene! It has been my experience that the BDSM Community is very accepting of all levels of experience, and it is extremely inclusive in terms of identities. As long as you take things slow I’m sure you’ll be fine. 🖤

  7. I desire this lifestyle as a sub with every fiber of my being. My issue is the love of my life is happy with vanilla. He sees BDSM as “whips and chains” and wants nothing of it.

    I wish I knew how to introduce him in a manner, he as our Alpha, would appreciate.

  8. I just turned 61 years old and have met a man who wants to be my dominant. I am excited at the thought of being his submissive. Am I too old for this?

    1. Hi Cindi
      I will be 60 in October. I personally am switch. I’ve never been happier. So I believe… NO MA’AM, you are not too old.
      If it makes you happy then enjoy your life as a submissive! Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

      Sincerely,
      Donna

  9. The ultimate message of the movie Secretary is great. Despite their MH challenges they found what really works for them (to hell with what “everyone else” believes and even insists are normal).

    Me and my sg started off our ‘what works for us’ (B&D) in the bedroom. After a couple years it grew into the other areas of our lives as D/s. Based on this experience I’d tell the younger newbys: starting off in the bedroom and over time letting it go from there is a good way. It gives the option to explore and shape what works for you. Ultimately If it feels right and comes natural to you both then this gives it its best chance to work on that higher level. And of course reading excellent sites like domsubliving

  10. Thanks to every one for being able to post there questions, concerns or curiosity. As I go along my journey knowing I’m not alone and that there are resources like Domsubliving available is a huge relief. Being able to continue getting to know this part of who I am is exciting and scared but I’m greatful to have help on this journey and ,albeit questions I haven’t even thought of. It thought provoking.

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