BDSM Dom without a sub

Exactly What to Do When You Don’t Have a Partner

Whether you’re a Dom without a sub, or a sub without a Dom, not having a partner can be a hard situation to deal with.  Seeing or reading about how happy other BDSM relationships seem to be can make you wish that you had a partner too.  Here’s your surefire plan to start taking action, and soon you’ll begin enjoying the BDSM lifestyle you always wanted.

BDSM Dom without a sub

Know you’re not alone

A recent Dom Sub Living survey found that 33% of readers are not currently playing but would like to.  That’s a lot.  So don’t feel bad if you’re new and haven’t started enjoying a BDSM lifestyle yet.  There’s actually lots of reasons why someone may not have a BDSM partner or otherwise feel lonely:

  • Just starting out and haven’t met the right person yet
  • Being in-between relationships
  • Choosing to take a break
  • Being in a vanilla relationship where your partner isn’t into BDSM
  • Being in a Dom/sub relationship but feeling like your partner isn’t living up to their role

The solution to all of these situations is the same: Don’t give up!  Don’t think you’ll never have the lifestyle you want.  Instead of worrying and stressing about how things seem to be, take action and make a plan.

Review past relationships

Now’s a good time to look back at past relationships and figure out what worked and what didn’t.  Whether they were vanilla or kinky, assessing past relationships can help you to not repeat the same mistakes twice.  A good place to start is by journaling the answers to these questions:

  1. What didn’t I get in those relationships that I needed?
  2. What role did I play in the ending of the relationships?
  3. What did I like about my past partners?
  4. What didn’t I like about my past partners?
  5. What did I do right in those relationships?
  6. What can I do differently in my next relationship?
  7. Would I want myself as a partner, and why?
  8. What do I want for myself that doesn’t involve having a partner?

These questions may be tough but it’s necessary for your growth to take the time to journal and be honest.  Reflect on your answers, make the changes, and give yourself time to heal.

Make a list

Now that you’ve worked out the issues of your past, it’s time to start looking to the future.  Make a list of all the qualities you want in your prospective partner.  This will act as a type of agreement with yourself, so you can keep your senses when your heart and hormones may convince you to settle.  Things to put in your list might be:

  • Age range
  • How long they’ve been in the BDSM Lifestyle
  • View towards a polyamorous relationship
  • Their feelings about pain play, punishments, and training
  • Physical attributes
  • What they’re willing to do sexually
  • Personality qualities
  • Any “deal-breakers”

You could even make a list of questions to ask your new perspective Dom or sub.  Stand firm for your needs and values, and don’t accept anything less.  You deserve it.

Keep yourself prepared

This is the perfect time to get yourself ready for your future partner.  What does this mean?  First of all, make sure you already have the basics out of the way.  Write up a contract between you and your perspective partner.  Make sure you know your limits before you enter a relationship, even a short-term one.  I believe a true Dominant or submissive is who they are at all times, even when they have no partner, a vanilla partner, or a BDSM partner who isn’t fulfilling their role.  So work on improving yourself now.  You can read more about the two roles here:

The Ultimate Guide to Being a Dominant »

The Ultimate Guide to Being a Submissive »

Remember, right now you are your future partner’s Dom or sub.

When you’re ready to find a partner

Only after you’ve given yourself time and have considered everything above should you begin to think of getting a new partner.  I know it can be a real struggle to find a legitimate Dom or sub.  That’s why in Lesson 3 of my training course I share the exact process in detail to find a genuine, long-term partner.  It’s worked for hundreds of members.

Not having a partner, or having a partner who’s not giving you what you need out of BDSM, can be a frustrating situation.  So use this as an opportunity for self-reflection and a chance to better yourself.  Focus on doing what you can, and the time will pass much more quickly.  I have confidence that if you do these things, soon you will attract the type of partner that you deserve.  🖤

Keep reading: How to go from vanilla to kink »

What are your thoughts on being partnerless?  Let me know in the comments.

23 thoughts on “Exactly What to Do When You Don’t Have a Partner”

  1. Just got out of a relationship that was not-so-nice, the so-called ‘Dom’ took things to the dark side. I’m enjoying being single but it’s still lonely. I have the interest of a Master Dom who is to the extreme, but I would much rather be single and partnerless for a bit to ensure I’m ready for what this Dom offers… sooo on 1 hand: it blows being Partnerless but on the other hand: I would like to be more prepared for what this Dom or any other Dom can dish out .

    1. I’m so sorry you had a bad experience with a “dom”, Amelia! You’re completely right that being partnerless can be lonely at times, but remember that it’s better than settling. Use this time to understand yourself more and prepare your submission, because you deserve an amazing Dom! 🖤

  2. I’m currently in a Dom/sub relationship however he is married and I am not. For the most part it works as the wife doesn’t give him what he wants but I am falling in love. The scenes are amazing but there is always the thought that it will disappear as he has a family. I like this lifestyle how will I find someone else to satisfy my needs?

    1. I can understand how it can be scary to wonder if you’ll ever find someone else but I’m sure you will. If you know your current relationship isn’t going to last and that he has a family, then it is probably better to end it before you or anyone else gets hurt. You can read this article for what to look for in a new Dom.

      1. Does anyone have any experience with Dom/sub relationships based primarily through email or other correspondence/long distance relationship? Finding a sub is difficult in a small town.

        1. Hi Edward,

          Finding the right person to practice with when you’re in a small town can be challenging, but you’re not alone!  A long distance relationship is definitely an option.  I share that way and other tips in detail for finding a sub in Lesson 3 of Dom Sub Training.

          And make sure you’re also focusing on what to do now, while you don’t have a partner. I wish you the best!

  3. Hello, I must thank you first of all because your page has helped me a lot in many ways; not only it has given me confidence in things I was unsure or even scared of as a sub, but also has taught me a lot about the importance of also comprehending your partner, even though I’m just starting and I don’t have a partner…

    In general, I’ve spend quite a lot of time reading here and I’m very happy I did, thank you for all your effort.

  4. Hey, love the content. Been working on setting up a routine and contract for when I find my next sub. Last one went well but was only meant to be short-term. Will use this site for training regimen for my future submissive.

  5. I was in a Dom /sub relationship but i am a new Dom. My sub had an experience with a more experienced Dom. Now my sub wants to put us on hold for now while furthering her “educational opportunities”.

    1. I’m sorry this happened to you, Rox. Be sure to communicate your thoughts and feelings with her, and listen to hers. You can ask her to write about it in a journal entry too if that’s easier for her. Keep the lines of communication open with her and it’s sure to get better.

  6. Hello. Not having a partner and never having been in a D/s dynamic is lonely and horrible especially when my friends in the community think I’m chasing a unicorn. I am looking for a long-term, romantic relationship that will hopefully lead to a being a female led relationship with a 24/7 PE. The problem is personally I can’t do poly, it has to be a monogamous relationship. Hence the unicorn. So what do you do when even your lifestyle friends don’t see it happening? I am honestly open to suggestions.

  7. I’m new at this and i think i might be a dom with some sub tendencies. i know i love reading about submissive males but i just don’t know where to start and i haven’t been in a relationship in while. :/

  8. This was introduced to me as being available and supportive of male/male relationships. I see nothing to support that. No offense to any woman but I prefer support and instruction from another male who prefers and therefore can relate to male/male relationships. I am not seeing this here.

    1. Hi Brian! Thank you for your comment.

      “Dom Sub Living” strives to be gender & sexual orientation neutral.

      Sometimes I have to use the typical pronouns like “he” and “she”, or else it can sound very confusing.  But whether you’re a male or female, gay or straight, the blog can still definitely help you. 🖤

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