Whether you’re a Dom without a sub, or a sub without a Dom, not having a partner can be a hard situation to deal with. Seeing or reading about how happy other BDSM relationships seem to be can make you wish that you had a partner too. Here’s your surefire plan to start taking action, and soon you’ll begin enjoying the BDSM lifestyle you always wanted.
Know you’re not alone
A recent Dom Sub Living survey found that 33% of readers are not currently playing but would like to. That’s a lot. So don’t feel bad if you’re new and haven’t started enjoying a BDSM lifestyle yet. There’s actually lots of reasons why someone may not have a BDSM partner or otherwise feel lonely:
- Just starting out and haven’t met the right person yet
- Being in-between relationships
- Choosing to take a break
- Being in a vanilla relationship where your partner isn’t into BDSM
- Being in a Dom/sub relationship but feeling like your partner isn’t living up to their role
The solution to all of these situations is the same: Don’t give up! Don’t think you’ll never have the lifestyle you want. Instead of worrying and stressing about how things seem to be, take action and make a plan.
Review past relationships
Now’s a good time to look back at past relationships and figure out what worked and what didn’t. Whether they were vanilla or kinky, assessing past relationships can help you to not repeat the same mistakes twice. A good place to start is by journaling the answers to these questions:
- What didn’t I get in those relationships that I needed?
- What role did I play in the ending of the relationships?
- What did I like about my past partners?
- What didn’t I like about my past partners?
- What did I do right in those relationships?
- What can I do differently in my next relationship?
- Would I want myself as a partner, and why?
- What do I want for myself that doesn’t involve having a partner?
These questions may be tough but it’s necessary for your growth to take the time to journal and be honest. Reflect on your answers, make the changes, and give yourself time to heal.
Make a list
Now that you’ve worked out the issues of your past, it’s time to start looking to the future. Make a list of all the qualities you want in your prospective partner. This will act as a type of agreement with yourself, so you can keep your senses when your heart and hormones may convince you to settle. Things to put in your list might be:
- Age range
- How long they’ve been in the BDSM Lifestyle
- View towards a polyamorous relationship
- Their feelings about pain play, punishments, and training
- Physical attributes
- What they’re willing to do sexually
- Personality qualities
- Any “deal-breakers”
You could even make a list of questions to ask your new perspective Dom or sub. Stand firm for your needs and values, and don’t accept anything less. You deserve it.
Keep yourself prepared
This is the perfect time to get yourself ready for your future partner. What does this mean? First of all, make sure you already have the basics out of the way. Write up a contract between you and your perspective partner. Make sure you know your limits before you enter a relationship, even a short-term one. I believe a true Dominant or submissive is who they are at all times, even when they have no partner, a vanilla partner, or a BDSM partner who isn’t fulfilling their role. So work on improving yourself now. You can read more about the two roles here:
Remember, right now you are your future partner’s Dom or sub.
Not having a partner, or having a partner who’s not giving you what you need out of BDSM, can be a frustrating situation. So use this as an opportunity for self-reflection and a chance to better yourself. Focus on doing what you can, and the time will pass much more quickly. I have confidence that if you do these things, soon you will attract the type of partner that you deserve. 🖤