Vanilla to kink Vanilla to BDSM Kinky how to go from vanilla to kink 50 shades of grey Sex Switch Meaning Definiton Book Scale Test

How to go from Vanilla to BDSM and Kink

One of the questions I get asked the most is, “How do I go from vanilla to BDSM?” (The definition of vanilla is plain, normal, or boring.) Maybe the person read the book 50 Shades of Grey, or wants to incorporate kink into their relationship or sex life to bring more meaning to it. It can be hard when you are already married or dating and you want to switch to a kinky lifestyle. Here is how to make your journey successful.

*If you want to help your partner be more dominant, submissive, or kinky, be sure to check out my new workshop.*

Vanilla to kink Vanilla to BDSM Kinky how to go from vanilla to kink 50 shades of grey Sex  Switch Meaning Definiton Book Scale Test

Be sure to learn the BDSM essentials and their meaning first by clicking here.

Start with kinky communication (and not just about sex)

One of the awesome things about a D/s lifestyle is that there is usually a whole lot more communication than a vanilla one.  Start by telling your partner what you already like about your relationship.  Then you can begin to tell them things you want to maybe try or are just curious about.

Ask them what their kinky fantasies are.  This may take a few tries so keep things positive and be patient.  Saying the word “BDSM” may scare them off so maybe just talk about the aspects of it you like.  This can be things like:

Sometimes a person has to get comfortable just talking about how to go from vanilla to kink before they feel they can make the switch to doing it in real life.  Read articles on Domsubliving.com together and keep your conversations light and fun.

How to go from vanilla to BDSM with a kink contract

Contracts are one of the things that the book 50 Shades of Grey actually got right, but contracts don’t have to be for hardcore D/s couples.  Experts say that talking about sex openly and writing it down in a contract brings meaning to even vanilla relationships.

If you need somewhere to start, download a free template here

Contracts can include roles and what those involve (even if it’s just your names and titles like husband, wife, boyfriend, or girlfriend).  Other things to cover are:

Don’t be embarrassed or take yourself too seriously.  Have fun discussing your contract and check in regularly to see if it’s working or to renegotiate.

When things don’t go as you hoped

Whether you’re vanilla or practicing BDSM, you shouldn’t expect perfection from your partner.  Remember, this isn’t the book 50 Shades of Grey.

Resentment builds when one person starts to feel like the other isn’t fulfilling their role.  In D/s this could be the Dom feeling like their sub isn’t being submissive enough, or the sub feeling like their Dom isn’t being dominant enough.  What should you do when this happens?

As always: communicate.  If talking about how to go from vanilla to BDSM makes you feel uncomfortable or you’re hitting a brick wall, a journal can be a safe place to express your feelings freely.  Journaling is great for any relationship, vanilla or kinky.

You can download a free journal here which includes prompts to help you get started.

Make the switch from vanilla to BDSM safely

You may be tempted to jump right into a kinky lifestyle, but start slow.  Remember, the book 50 Shades of Grey is not real life.  In the BDSM community “Safe, Sane, and Consensual” is extremely important, and not just during sex.

If not practiced correctly, a D/s relationship can be dangerous, both physically and emotionally.  However, when it is enjoyed in a healthy way it can be extremely fulfilling and bring deep meaning to a relationship.  I hope with these suggestions all who want to can go from vanilla to BDSM and kink successfully.  🖤

Have you tried making the switch?  What challenges have you faced?  Let me know in the comments.

Keep reading: Creating Your Contract  »

22 thoughts on “How to go from Vanilla to BDSM and Kink”

  1. So I have past experience in D/S relationships I have been both for a long time ago. I brought up some of my needs that havent been meet by the most amazing man I just married we have talked about making the switch and he is willing but we need some advice or tips on how to help him be my D for his time

  2. My husband and I have been married awhile now & we have 3 kids. He is a truck driver so he isn’t home often but my question is,he knows I’m into some kinky things and would like to try this lifestyle but how do we start? Is there places or books where it gives us tips on how to start incorporating BDSM into the short time we have together.

  3. Hello, my wife and I of 16 years are just making the switch to a D/s lifestyle. She has been wanting it for years, but I was just stuck in my vanilla lifestyle. I am desperately looking for some kind of guidance as how to be a Dom. I am really hoping that your class starts sometime soon, but even if not, I will be looking. I am so glad that I found this site, and know that I can find many useful things here. Thank you for the effort that you put into this!!!

    1. Hi Mace! I actually cover that in detail in Dom Sub Training, but to get started, like the above article says: “Start by telling your partner what you already like about your relationship. Then you can begin to tell them things you want to maybe try or are just curious about. Ask them what their kinky fantasies are.”

  4. Sir and I transitioned from vanilla to 24/7. It has taken about 2 years and W/we are still learning and growing every day. Those plateaus are tough but openly discussing them helps tremendously.

    1. If I may may ask, when you started we’re you and Sir a “couple”? My Dom and I have been doing this over a year and a lot has transpired since then. The way we started out isn’t how things are now.

  5. Hi Me and my now wife are trying to switch to D/s but it’s been quite difficult. W/we live in a complex housing situation and my wife doesn’t want her sister to find out about this side of us. So W/we can’t be noisy in bed (spanking is a major kink for us but it echoes) and can’t do any of the submissive serving things W/we want as to us it’s quite obvious what it is that W/we are doing.
    W/we tried pinching or biting as substitutes for spanking but my wife doesn’t like it… any other ideas?

  6. My Dom and I have been trying to go 24/7 into our D/s relationship for a little over a year now. The trouble is that soon after making that decision we got pregnant and that put a damper on a few things and then all hell broke loose with the craziness in the world and changing jobs, as well as already having a 10 year old and now a newborn as well. We are trying to really get back into it full time but definitely need pointers on how to do it when we are both exhausted from full time jobs and juggling a pre-tween and a little one.

  7. Hello! My bf likes to be sub and I’ve (f) been researching Dom techniques, but nobody seems to tell me what to do exactly. What do I say? How should I act? I’m so confused. These articles are helpful but I’m lost on the actual speaking/acting during play part.

      1. I must’ve missed this article, it’s a great help! Thank you for all of this and for the quick response. Stay safe!

  8. It’s kind of hard to describe, but I guess are dynamic is more of a Dom/sub long distance, even though we live in the same town and we are not a couple. We are only involved with each other. We are still trying to figure out what works for us.

  9. I have been “vanilla” my entire life (60) years until about 8 months ago. Oh the amazing discovery of the BDSM lifestyle! I became involved with a couple in a polyamory relationship that decided to become monogamous yet still in the BDSM community. Then here I come, our relationship grew stronger and the three of us became a throuple! We go on vacations together, out to nightclubs, dinner, etc. The hard part is that I do not live with them. They have a home of their own and a strong D/s relationship, He is also training me to be his submissive. They will be married as soon as the Covid-19 restrictions are lifted. We are all very much in love with each other however, I get so lonely and sometimes feel left out. And yes, there is jealousy. I am the one struggling but do not want to give up this lifestyle. I want to serve and want and need to be structured, not to mention I love the kink!!!!

  10. How do you find someone, is there a community dating app where I can find my dom or do you just wait until you have a boyfriend?

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