When a Dominant or submissive is starting out in BDSM, they’re usually feeling very excited about their new lifestyle. But after some time passes the realities of life begin to set in. A Dom and sub may become busy and start to put their roles on the back burner. What can keep a sub eager to serve and also prevent a Dom from neglecting their partner? The answer is “sub maintenance”. When you hear the term “sub maintenance” most people think only of spankings, but there is so much more involved. Keep reading to learn exactly how to master sub maintenance.
Yes, maintenance spankings are necessary
Maintenance spankings seem to be debated a lot in the BDSM community. Some feel that it’s cruel because it’s just hitting a sub without a real reason. But maintenance spankings do have a real reason. They are to remind the sub who is in control, and the pain can be something for their mind to refocus on. Maintenance spankings are only OK if the sub has consented to receiving pain, and it’s agreed upon in your contract.
How to make it work: Maintenance spankings don’t have to be as hard as punishment ones, but they should be intense and long enough to “snap” a sub back into their role. As for how often? I think a good rule is if the sub hasn’t had a spanking in three days then they’re due for one. You could add a separate section in your journal just to keep track of spankings.
Keep the orgasms coming
Orgasms are wonderful. They release powerful neurotransmitters and help lower stress. Keeping a sub “regulated” can help them have more stable emotions and in turn help them to be more obedient. And when a sub is able to help her Dom reach orgasm it makes her feel useful and needed.
How to make it work: Decide together what each partner requires in terms of the frequency of orgasms. Some people need it only once a week, others need it daily. Once you’ve figured out each other’s requirement, make sure to put fulfilling that need at the top of your list.
Journaling is essential to maintenance
A journal is a submissive’s safe place to write down whatever they want. In a life full of control and submission, it can be their only outlet to vent their feelings freely. Journaling can be very therapeutic. It also gives the Dom a glimpse into their sub’s mind so he can better understand her. In order for this all to happen though, a sub should always feel safe to write anything in their journal without fear of being punished.
How to make it work: Just like with spankings and orgasms, journaling needs to be done regularly. I recommend once a week at the least, but it can be done daily too. If the sub doesn’t have time to write a whole page they can be given a simple sentence to finish, like, “Today I feel ___________, because ___________. If the sub has more time then the Dom can provide writing prompts.
The sub’s health should be a priority
If a submissive is in good health they will be able to perform at their best physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually. Also, a sub is property owned by someone else, and as such they are a direct representation of their Dom. This will cause a sub to take great pride in the health and presentation of their bodies. However, it is also the Dom’s responsibility to make sure his property is in the best condition. Focus should be on what I like to call the “Holy Trinity”: sleep, diet, and exercise.
How to make it work: This will take a lot of self-discipline on both of your parts, but it can be accomplished. Here are some tips that have helped my Dom and me:
- Set an alarm for when you need to get ready for bed, factoring in time for play sessions.
- Set another alarm for when you need to be in bed, going to sleep.
- Don’t use any electronic screens for an hour before bed.
- Plan your meals the day before and stick to a calorie limit.
- Focus on eating vegetables, fruits, whole grains, beans, and nuts
- Drink lots of water, at least 10 cups a day.
- Schedule your workouts for the whole week.
- Try to exercise in the morning rather than the evening so you’re more likely to stick to it.
It will take a lot of trial and error, but just continue to make adjustments. Don’t give up!
A Dom shouldn’t focus just on punishments
Just as with a child, a sub may get discouraged if they’re only told what they did wrong. While discipline and punishments are huge in a BDSM relationship, rewards are very important too. Rewards help reinforce good behavior. They also let the sub know they are pleasing their Dom and that they are a “good girl” (or “good boy”).
How to make it work: A Dom should commend his sub for at least one thing everyday. When the sub has been especially good the Dom can give her a reward, big or small, depending on the behavior. Some ideas include:
- A massage or pedicure
- Extra time on the internet
- A special food treat
- Extra snuggle time
- Being allowed to make certain choices, like where to go out for dinner
- A new stuffie
- Getting to sleep in an extra hour
Maintaining submission may be difficult as time passes in a relationship, but it’s not impossible. In fact if you apply the strategies I mentioned in this article it can become quite easy. So make spankings, orgasms, and journaling a regular part of your lifestyle, and focus more on health and rewarding good behavior, and you will master sub maintainence too. 🖤