BDSM Collars: The Only 2 Types You Need [Photos]

Seeing someone in a collar immediately gives you the impression that they are probably into a kinky lifestyle.  It may even mean they’re a submissive in a longterm, D/s relationship.  But collar etiquette can be confusing.  There are so many different types for different situations: consideration, sub training, posture, play, everyday wear, pet, protection, ownership, ceremony, and eternity, just to name a few.  And what about other discreet BDSM jewelry and necklaces? Let me help you end the intimidation, and make your collar choice a little easier.

Sub, submissive, d/s, collar, meaning, etsy, ceremony, jewelry, for everyday wear, necklace, day, relationship, types, training, discreet

“Collar” meaning in a D/s relationship 

In BDSM, a collar is a symbol of being a submissive, or being owned.  There are no hard and fast rules in this though.  Many people in the kink community wear them just for fun, even if they’re not in a relationship.  But when a Dominant commits himself to a sub he will show this by collaring them. This is usually done in a Collaring Ceremony, and we’ll discuss that later in this article.

The 2 types every submissive needs:

One of the benefits of keeping the collar choices down to two or three is that the submissive becomes attached to it.  This is true both emotionally and physically.  It’s a lot like how pet dogs are more anxious when their collar is removed, and calmer when it is put back on.  Likewise, submissives feel secure and safe in their personal collar.

1.  Collars for play and sub training 

When you think of BDSM, you usually think of these types of collars.  They are sturdy, usually made of some kind of leather type product, and can be locked.  They will also have a d-ring/o-ring for the Dom to grab or attach a leash too.  The purpose for these collars is to train the submissive, and get them in the proper mindset for a scene.  Before a play session, my Dom will have me kneel and he’ll put it around my neck.  Other times, if I am being bratty or disobedient, he will put it on me extra tight so I remember my place as his submissive.  

Sub, submissive, d/s, collar, meaning, etsy, ceremony, jewelry, for everyday wear, necklace, day, relationship, types, training, discreet
My play collar

2.  Discreet “Day Collars” for everyday wear

If you’re not comfortable wearing a Play Collar outside of the house, but still want to show you’re in a D/s relationship, then a discreet, submissive “Day Collar” is perfect.  This is a type of short or tight necklace, usually with an o-ring too.  It’s not as obvious to those that are vanilla, but you may get some curious or knowing looks.  I wear this type of collar everyday, and if I ever forget and leave the house without it then my Dom will punish me.  I’m very proud when I wear my collar, and it gives my life great meaning.

Sub, submissive, d/s, collar, meaning, etsy, ceremony, jewelry, for everyday wear, necklace, day, relationship, types, training, discreet
My discreet day collar
Sub, submissive, d/s, collar, meaning, etsy, ceremony, jewelry, for everyday wear, necklace, day, relationship, types, training, discreet
My dressier day one

The Collar Ceremony and beyond 

When a Dominant decides to make a lifelong commitment of owning their submissive they will symbolize this during a Collaring Ceremony.  Much like a wedding, the Dom and sub will usually say vows and witnesses might be present.  The Dom will then collar the sub, and they will be Master/slave for the rest of their lives.  While there may be traditional collars for this (just like diamond rings are typical for marriage), it’s really a personal choice and should be something you are comfortable with. There can be other rituals besides the ceremony, that are more simpler, such as

  • Having the sub kneel before a scene to receive their play collar
  • Having the sub bring the collar to the Dom as part of punishment
  • Putting a “day” one on before leaving the house

At this point, you may be wondering:

“Can’t I just wear a regular necklace or other type of jewelry?”

While I always want everyone to do what makes them happy and comfortable, collars are best for those in the BDSM lifestyle.  Many vanilla people wear necklaces or other types of jewelry all the time, so if you wore something similar there would be no distinction. There are other benefits to a collar too.  Collars sit close against the sub’s neck, so the Dom sees it every time he looks at his sub, reminding him of their D/s relationship.  A bracelet or ring will not have the same effect.  Also, a collar has a different meaning than other types of jewelry.  Dogs and other animals wear collars, because they are owned.  It is the same for the submissive.

I hope I made BDSM collars a little less complicated for you.  They are extremely beneficial to those in a D/s relationship, and also very sexy to wear.  Have fun finding the right type for you, and be proud of the privilege to collar someone or to be collared by someone.  🖤

All of my collars were bought by my Dom at Etsy, Luxurious Bliss, or from CaptiveLove Jewelry (use code DSLiving10 for 10% off your first order on any item at CaptiveLove).

What are you thoughts about collars? Let me know in the comments.

Keep reading:  Creating rituals and protocols >>

Ask Me Anything

A couple weeks ago I decided to do a Q and A, and I got a TON of questions.  There were a lot of really good ones and some original ones I’ve never been asked before. Thank you to everyone who submitted a question!  I hope you enjoy my answers.  🖤

Q.  What got you into BDSM?  Why did you want to live this lifestyle?

A.  In the beginning of our relationship, my husband and I had a lot of problems. We were struggling with communication, compatibility issues, and we both just wanted more.  I started looking into BDSM online out of curiosity and everything just clicked. I shared with my husband what I had been learning, and told him that I wanted this 24/7. He realized that he needed this too.  We figured out along the way what worked and what didn’t.  Our relationship became so amazing and we discovered together what it truly means to be Dominate and submissive.

Q.  I’m new to the whole D/s scene and my partner and I are really curious.  How do we get started?

A.  Congratulations on wanting to explore BDSM! A lot of couples start out in the bedroom and have fun experimenting with kink.  Focus on the basics in the beginning (safewords, limits, contracts, rituals, etc.), and try to learn as much as you can about the lifestyle.  As you start to take it out of the bedroom make sure you communicate a lot, and be sure that you really want this.  No one should feel pressured to engage in BDSM.

Q. Why did you start “Dom Sub Living”?

A.  There’s a few reasons actually.  My main goal was to educate people about BDSM.  I wanted to show what it’s really like to be 24/7, not just what’s portrayed in porn or movies.  Plus I really love writing!  Believe it or not, I had a beauty blog before I started “Dom Sub Living”, But constantly taking pictures of myself wearing different makeup and posting them online was becoming really boring.  I wanted to do something I was more passionate about.  Having my own platform now to talk about a lifestyle I love is so much more fun and extremely rewarding.

Q.  I want to live a BDSM lifestyle, but my partner’s not into it.  How can I get them on board?

A.  I have to say, this is the question I was asked the most.  I covered this topic a little bit it in Exactly What to Do When You Don’t Have a Partner, but I wanted to take the time to discuss some other things here.  First of all, communicate.  Talk respectfully and agree to not judge each other.  Make sure your partner knows why you want this, and what they will get out of it too.  Also be sure to start very slow.  And this may seem kind of funny, but try not to use the word “BDSM”.  Your partner probably has some negative, preconceived notions about it, and you don’t want to scare them away.

Q.  Why does your site always refer to the Dom as male and the sub as female?

A.  Let me assure you that I am not assuming that the Dom should be male and the sub female.  I know there are a lot of different dynamics and combinations in BDSM.  I would never want to exclude anyone!  It is just very hard as a writer to have a sentence make sense if I’m always saying “they”.  Sometimes I have to use the typical pronouns like “he” and “she”, or else it sounds very confusing.  But whether you’re a male or female, Dom or sub, the principles in my articles can still definitely work for you.

Q.  How can I get my partner to take the initiative more, and be more involved in their role?

A.  As always I say the biggest thing is to communicate.  It may be that your partner doesn’t realize they’ve been slipping, or that you’re wanting more from them.  But try not to always focus on what your partner is not doing.  Focus on what you need to be doing too.  Sometimes when you become more submissive (or dominant if you’re a Dom), your partner will naturally respond by becoming stronger in their role.

Q.  What are you most proud of that you’ve done in the past year?

A.  There are so many things but I narrowed it down to three:

#1:  My Dom and I have entered more of a TPE lifestyle (Total Power Exchange).  We tend to gravitate towards DD/lg, but we’ve built up enough trust between us to begin to forgo safewords and limits.  It’s brought a whole new intensity to our relationship and increased our connection.

#2:  I’ve been learning how to code!  When you run a website, there’s only so much you can do if you don’t know how to code.  I’ve really taken an interest in it this past year and I’m getting pretty comfortable with it.  It’s really like learning a new language, and I think coding is a skill everyone should have.

#3:  I launched “Dom Sub Training”!  I got a lot of emails from people who wanted an online training course from me, so I eventually created “Dom Sub Training” and it really took off.  The course is helping people get all the information they need to become a satisfied BDSM expert, and have a detailed plan to make it all happen.  I’m really proud of it.

Q.  If you could tell vanillas one thing about being in the BDSM community what would it be?

A.  I would tell people not to prejudge anyone, because there’s a lot of different degrees of BDSM, and a lot of different reasons why people do it.  And that the majority of us in the community live normal lives.  We work, go to school, have families, but we’ve found that BDSM just brings more fulfillment to our lives.  But the biggest thing I want to tell vanillas is:  Just try it a little! You may end up liking it.

I hope you enjoyed this “Ask Me Anything”!  If your question didn’t get answered I apologize. I tried to pick out the ones I haven’t answered on my site before.  There was also a lot of questions that I actually address in “Dom Sub Training”. (Like how to find a partner, how to play when you still have children, and transitioning to 24/7, just to name a few.)

I plan on doing another “Ask Me Anything” in the future so make sure you subscribe to my newsletter here.  (Also I answered some bonus questions that were just for my subscribers!)

Click here to sign up for the “Dom Sub Living” newsletter

Have a question for the next “Ask Me Anything?”  Share it in the comments below.

Everything You Need to Know About Being a Switch

When most people think of a BDSM relationship, they usually only think of the Dominant and submissive roles.  The truth is, there are many shades of gray on the kink spectrum. Lots of people enjoy being what’s called a “switch,” and switching from Dom or sub can be a lot of fun. But what exactly is a switch, and how do you do it right? Keep reading to find out.

Dom, sub, switch, meaning, relationship, vanilla, kink, definition, submissive, dominant, switching, girl, guy, roles

The definition and meaning of switch

The definition of a switch is someone who enjoys engaging in both Dominant and submissive roles, or both topping and bottoming.  But what does that mean exactly? Well, the answer is: it depends. Here are some aspects about switching:

  • Switching doesn’t always involve a sexual relationship.
  • You may be a Dom with one partner, but a sub with another.
  • You may enjoy switching, but prefer a specific role.
  • Some couples switch as a way of taking turns.
  • As your life changes, you may switch to fulfill an emotional need.

Some or all of these points may apply to you.  That doesn’t mean you have to label yourself a switch (unless you want to).  Choose the BDSM identity that makes you feel the most comfortable.

Can only a girl switch or can a guy switch too?

The porn industry has perpetuated the idea of one girl topping another girl, while the guy enjoys the show.  Many Doms have this fantasy, but society doesn’t accept it as easily when the roles are reversed.  A guy who is a switch, even if their partner is a girl, may be seen as weak or unmanly. However, gender doesn’t have to play a factor at all when someone decides to switch. It simply involves domination and submission, and both can be enjoyed whether you’re a girl or a guy.

You can switch even if you’re in a vanilla relationship

Switching isn’t just for those in the kink community.  A lot of vanilla couples switch roles in the bedroom either part-time or full-time.  It’s a great way to keep the relationship new and exciting.  Letting your vanilla partner be the more dominant one can help you see what they like and are into.  Taking turns in a vanilla relationship also lets both of you have all your needs fulfilled.  If you’re nervous about bringing up the idea of switching with your partner, you can say something like, “I think it’d be really hot if you took control tonight (or, if I took control tonight).” Just be sure to start slow, and have fun with it!

 

Switching can help you test out the Dom/sub roles

You may be in a Dom/sub relationship, but that doesn’t mean it has to be that way 100% of the time.  Switching can be a way to see what the other side has to offer, and who knows, you may like it more than you think.  I believe switching, even lightly, can help both partners appreciate each other more.  It’s like when a parent and child switch roles for the day.  I think switching can also be a way to see if there’s any aspects of the other side you like, and want to test out and explore in scenes and play sessions.

Kink ideas for the Dominant or submissive switch

There are lots of different ways to enjoy switching and bring more kink to your relationship. To get started, either the Dominant or submissive can just say, “I’d like to try something a little different tonight, how about…”. If you need some inspiration, here are some ideas:

  • Trying a different position during sex where the sub is on top and in control.
  • If the submissive is a girl, having her use a strap-on.
  • The Dom can let the sub try out flogging, paddling, or another punishment tool.
  • Instead of giving commands, say please and ask for permission, or vice versa.
  • Allow topping from the bottom, with the sub doing it more on purpose.
  • The sub can control the Dom’s orgasm by stopping the stimulation and taking a break.
  • The Dom can have to “earn” to be with the sub.
  • The sub can be more bossy and authoritative when they are receiving oral sex.

Important safety note:  If you do switch, make sure safewords are revisited.  If you’re not used to saying them or responding to them, then it’s good to practice.  Also make sure to go over limits, which may be different in your new role.

Whether you’re a Dom or sub, guy or girl, vanilla or into kink, switching can be a lot of fun.  And remember, it doesn’t have to always be sexual.  It can bring more fulfillment in your life, and more meaning to a relationship. You may find that in BDSM, “switch” is the best fit for you.  🖤

Keep reading:  What to do when you don’t have a partner »

Have you tried switching? What are some of the challenges you’ve faced?  Let me know in the comments.

7 Rules for a Long-Distance Relationship- FREE WORKSHEET

long distance relationships, gifts, ideas, Dom sub, dominant, submissive, games, problems, advice, d/s, issues, guide, rules, tips, worksheet

Long-Distance relationships are hard, but especially for those that are Dom/sub.  It can be difficult to keep the dynamic going when you’re apart and problems and issues arise. There’s also a lot of bad advice and tips on the internet.  But even if you’re apart for just a day, or if circumstances make it so you’re separated for months, a long-distance D/s relationship can still succeed.  Both the Dominant and submissive have to work at it though. So here are some ideas for rules to keep in mind, and don’t forget to download your free worksheet here.

1.  Avoid problems when using technology

Technology can be a lifesaver in a long-distance relationship.  Texting especially can be easy and convenient, but after a while you may find it gets boring.  Don’t neglect all the other kinky ways you can enjoy technology.  Get creative and think outside the box, and soon you’ll begin to feel much closer.  Here are some ideas:

  • Use FaceTime or Skype- There’s so many possibilities with this one.  You could have a meal together, have phone sex, or even a virtual play session.  Just prop up your phone or iPad in the room, and have the Dominant give the submissive instructions.
  • Watch a BDSM movie together (“Secretary” is my favorite)- You can each set it up on your own TV or iPad and press play at the same time.
  • Use an online journal- This is a must whether you’re long-distance or not.  A sub should have a journal they can write freely in, and the Dom should have access to it at all times.

2.  Overcome commitment issues as a Dominant or submissive

Some people get stuck in a long-distance relationship because they feel obligated to stay for one reason or another.  Be honest with your partner about what you want out of the relationship, but more importantly, be honest with yourself.  Do you really want to be in a long-distance relationship when you could be meeting other people?  If the answer is yes, then work on building trust together.  Here are some tips:

    • Be patient- Even if you were physically together before things became long-distance, the new situation will take time for both of you to become comfortable.
    • Have real-life interactions- Show your commitment by making and keeping plans to meet face-to-face.
    • Make a contract together- A contract helps both a Dom and a sub to clearly know what their roles are in the relationship, and what’s expected of them.
    • Complete the free worksheet- It’s an easy way to see where you both stand.  Download the worksheet here. 

3.  Create a detailed Dom/sub schedule

Having set tasks to do everyday is the perfect way to make a submissive not feel so lonely.  An assigned list keeps the Dominant in control of their partner, even when they can’t be there physically.  It keeps the sub focused, because they don’t have to get overwhelmed with making choices. Here are some ideas for a schedule:

  • Set wake up and go to bed times
  • Meal times
  • Time blocks for journaling or kneeling
  • “Little Space” activities like coloring or watching cartoons
  • A certain BDSM topic to research each day
  • A set exercise schedule

4.  Use gifts and games to keep things new and exciting

Everyone loves receiving gifts. When a Dom gives their sub a gift it reassures them of their affection and approval.  Littles especially need to receive gifts regularly, but Doms like getting presents too. Here are some ideas:

  • A collar
  • Stuffie or blanket to comfort the sub when the Dom is away
  • Matching rings or other jewelry
  • Kinky toys to use when you’re together

Games are another fun way to keep a Dom and sub connected.  You can do them over the phone or text, and they are a great way to get to know each other better. Two of my favorite games are “Would You Rather” and “2 Truths and a Lie.”  Keep it kinky and you’re sure to have a lot of fun.

5.  Get creative with rules and punishment ideas

Just because you’re apart doesn’t mean that a disobedient sub can’t be punished or be given rules.  Of course, a traditional spanking may be out of the question, but there are so many different ways to discipline from a distance.  Here are some ideas for rules and punishments:

Rules:

  • Not being able to eat junk food and having to text all their meals.
  • Letting the Dom choose the sub’s clothes or undergarments for the day.
  • Texting when you go out with friends, and when you come home.

Punishments:

  • Taking a cold shower for 1 or 2 minutes and having to videotape themselves.
  • Snapping a rubber band on their wrist a certain number of times.
  • Wearing nipple clamps and texting a picture as proof.
  • Having to write the same sentence 50 times and mailing it to the Dom.

6.  Take an online BDSM course together

Online courses are great for long-distance couples because they get you communicating and experimenting together, even while you’re apart. An online training program will help you deal with the issues and problems of a long-distance relationship. You’ll have a detailed, step-by-step plan to have a better, more satisfying connection, and to take your BDSM relationship to the next level.  An eCourse is a great way for both of you to have an online mentor and coach, giving you reliable advice and tips to help you every step of the way.

7.  Set an end date for your long-distance D/s relationship

Even if you’re having fun and enjoying your long-distance relationship, it needs to end at some point.  Hopefully this means that whatever situation is keeping you apart will be resolved and you can physically be together permanently.  Setting a date for this to happen will help both of you to endure the hard times and give you something to look forward to.  So set an end date together, and work hard to make it happen. The free worksheet below can make this easier.

Remember, a long-distance D/s relationship isn’t easy, but so is anything worth fighting for. Follow the rules and tips here and in the worksheet and you’re sure to have success. If you can trust, respect, and support each other when you’re apart, imagine how powerful your bond will be once you’re together.  🖤

Want a free Long-Distance Relationship Worksheet with extra tips? Click here »

What advice would you give someone in a long-distance relationship?  Let me know in the comments.

Keep reading:  How to Master Maintenance »

Exactly How to Master Sub Maintenance

When a Dominant or submissive is starting out in BDSM, they’re usually feeling very excited about their new lifestyle.  But after some time passes the realities of life begin to set in. A Dom and sub may become busy and start to put their roles on the back burner. What can keep a sub eager to serve and also prevent a Dom from neglecting their partner? The answer is “sub maintenance”.  When you hear the term “sub maintenance” most people think only of spankings, but there is so much more involved.  Keep reading to learn exactly how to master sub maintenance.

Sub maintenance spankings submissive Dom

Yes, maintenance spankings are necessary

Maintenance spankings seem to be debated a lot in the BDSM community.  Some feel that it’s cruel because it’s just hitting a sub without a real reason. But maintenance spankings do have a real reason.  They are to remind the sub who is in control, and the pain can be something for their mind to refocus on.  Maintenance spankings are only OK if the sub has consented to receiving pain, and it’s agreed upon in your contract.

How to make it work:  Maintenance spankings don’t have to be as hard as punishment ones, but they should be intense and long enough to “snap” a sub back into their role.  As for how often? I think a good rule is if the sub hasn’t had a spanking in three days then they’re due for one.  You could add a separate section in your journal just to keep track of spankings.

Keep the orgasms coming

Orgasms are wonderful.  They release powerful neurotransmitters and help lower stress.  Keeping a sub “regulated” can help them have more stable emotions and in turn help them to be more obedient.  And when a sub is able to help her Dom reach orgasm it makes her feel useful and needed.

How to make it work: Decide together what each partner requires in terms of the frequency of orgasms.  Some people need it only once a week, others need it daily.  Once you’ve figured out each other’s requirement, make sure to put fulfilling that need at the top of your list.

Journaling is essential to maintenance

A journal is a submissive’s safe place to write down whatever they want.  In a life full of control and submission, it can be their only outlet to vent their feelings freely.  Journaling can be very therapeutic.  It also gives the Dom a glimpse into their sub’s mind so he can better understand her.  In order for this all to happen though, a sub should always feel safe to write anything in their journal without fear of being punished.

How to make it work:  Just like with spankings and orgasms, journaling needs to be done regularly.  I recommend once a week at the least, but it can be done daily too.  If the sub doesn’t have time to write a whole page they can be given a simple sentence to finish, like, “Today I feel ___________, because ___________.  If the sub has more time then the Dom can provide writing prompts.

Submissive Journal Writing Prompts

The sub’s health should be a priority

If a submissive is in good health they will be able to perform at their best physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually. Also, a  sub is property owned by someone else, and as such they are a direct representation of their Dom.  This will cause a sub to take great pride in the health and presentation of their bodies.  However, it is also the Dom’s responsibility to make sure his property is in the best condition. Focus should be on what I like to call the “Holy Trinity”: sleep, diet, and exercise. 

How to make it work:  This will take a lot of self-discipline on both of your parts, but it can be accomplished. Here are some tips that have helped my Dom and me:

  • Set an alarm for when you need to get ready for bed, factoring in time for play sessions.
  • Set another alarm for when you need to be in bed, going to sleep.
  • Don’t use any electronic screens for an hour before bed.
  • Plan your meals the day before and stick to a calorie limit.
  • Focus on eating vegetables, fruits, whole grains, beans, and nuts
  • Drink lots of water, at least 10 cups a day.
  • Schedule your workouts for the whole week.
  • Try to exercise in the morning rather than the evening so you’re more likely to stick to it.

It will take a lot of trial and error, but just continue to make adjustments.  Don’t give up!

A Dom shouldn’t focus just on punishments

Just as with a child, a sub may get discouraged if they’re only told what they did wrong. While discipline and punishments are huge in a BDSM relationship, rewards are very important too.  Rewards help reinforce good behavior.  They also let the sub know they are pleasing their Dom and that they are a “good girl” (or “good boy”).

How to make it work:  A Dom should commend his sub for at least one thing everyday.  When the sub has been especially good the Dom can give her a reward, big or small, depending on the behavior. Some ideas include:

  • A massage or pedicure
  • Extra time on the internet
  • A special food treat
  • Extra snuggle time
  • Being allowed to make certain choices, like where to go out for dinner
  • A new stuffie
  • Getting to sleep in an extra hour

Maintaining submission may be difficult as time passes in a relationship, but it’s not impossible.  In fact if you apply the strategies I mentioned in this article it can become quite easy.  So make spankings, orgasms, and journaling a regular part of your lifestyle, and focus more on health and rewarding good behavior, and you will master sub maintainence too. 🖤

Keep reading:  Create better play sessions »

What challenges have you faced with sub maintenance?  Let me know in the comments.

5 Essential Scene Strategies for Your Next Play Session

scene ideas dominant dom BDSM meaning definition play session etiquette

The word “scene” comes up a lot in the kink community. Many people however will sometimes misuse this term.  The real definition of a scene is a BDSM activity or encounter that involves a Dominant and submissive. It may also be referred to as “play” or “session,” but it doesn’t have to involve sexual activity.  If you’re new to the lifestyle though, or even if you’ve been playing for a while, you’ve probably wondered, “Am I doing it right?”  Well I have some fun ideas to help you with scene etiquette and structure so you can bring more meaning to your next play session.  Don’t forget to download your free PDF, based on some of my scenes with my Dom, here.

Know your BDSM scene etiquette

No matter how many years of experience you do or don’t have, you should always follow proper scene etiquette.  This is especially true if you’re playing with strangers at dungeons or clubs.  Good communication beforehand can help both parties relax so that they can focus on enjoying the session.  Here are some things to keep in mind:

Scene etiquette doesn’t have to be too complicated, and once you’ve been playing with someone for a while it becomes second nature.  But it is good to revisit it from time to time, to make sure you’re playing correctly and safely.

The Dom should have everything ready

This is huge because it will kill the mood if you have to go fumble looking for rope or lube halfway during a scene.  One thing my Dom likes to do is lay out everything on the bed when we start.  This serves two purposes:  One- it puts everything within reach so it’s easily accessible, and two- it creates anticipation and makes me think about what he’s going to do to me.  Another thing you could do is put everything in a toy box and have it nearby so you can simply grab it.  Just make sure everything is organized and easily accessible.

Have a beginning, middle, and end

Your scene doesn’t have to have a plot like a BDSM porno movie, but you should have a general plan of how things will progress.  Having a good sequence also keeps you from just doing things randomly without a purpose in mind. It also makes the submissive confident that the Dominant knows what they’re doing.  Here are the basics of each part of a scene:

Beginning-  Sets the mood and builds anticipation.  This can be mostly verbal to start out with.  Light teasing is also good.

Middle-  More intense playing can start.  This may be where the sub begins to wonder if they will be able to last.  

End-  The Dom brings the sub back down gradually. Both of them may have already orgasmed. 

Want to see what this looks like in an actually play session?  Download one here »

Build tension in your play session

This is what keeps a scene from becoming routine, even if you’re always playing with the same person.  Just like every story needs a conflict, so should every good BDSM play session.  This doesn’t have to be huge, like rape play, but there should be some element of tension.  Here are some ideas:

  • The sub could act a little bratty, or even just slightly resist.
  • The Dom could push the sub to the point of using a safeword like “yellow”.
  • The sub could be given a task to do, with consequences or rewards.

When thinking about ideas for building tension, try to do it not just physically, but emotionally too.  Which brings us to our next scene strategy:

For the Dominant: Create a sense of fear

When a sub is slightly afraid, their nervous system is more heightened.  This doesn’t mean they have to be genuinely scared, but there should be that fear of the unknown.  Not knowing what the Dom will do next will be a huge turn on for them.  The easiest way to achieve this is by taking away one or more senses.  The sub could be blindfolded, restrained in some way, given earphones with loud music, or even gagged.  The Dominant can then give pleasure or pain unexpectedly.  

I hope you loved learning about how to set up a scene.  Just remember:  your main goal should be for you and your partner to connect and enjoy each other.  So relax, apply the strategies in this article, and I know your next play session will be so much more intense.  Have fun playing!  🖤

What are some of your scene ideas? Let us know in the comments.

Up next:  What to do when you’re done playing »

5 Things You Need to Know About Consensual Non-Consent

One of the most controversial subjects in the BDSM community is consensual non-consent.  A lot of other blogs will tell you that in a Dominant/submissive (D/s) relationship, once you give your consent you cannot take it away.  And even though the fantasy of rape play is pretty common, it’s still a taboo topic.  What is the real meaning of consensual non-consent? Let’s take a closer look at what it is, plus I have some stimulating ideas to get you started.

Consensual Non-consent sex d/s fantasy ideas meaning

1.  Consensual non-consent meaning

The definition for consensual non-consent is a mutual agreement where the Dom is able to act as if the sub has waived all consent. Complete consent is given beforehand, with the understanding of it being a permanent arrangement under most circumstances.  The bottom line is that this is something the sub has willingly said they wanted.  The “non-consensual” part also means that sometimes the Dom may have to make the sub obey if she refuses.  Why would a sub, and especially a slave, say “no” if they already gave their total submission? Simply put, because subs and slaves aren’t robots.  They have feelings, needs, wants, and imperfections too.  They may disagree with the Dom, and voice it, but they still ultimately want to serve and be used.

If you’re still confused as to the meaning of consensual non-consent, here is what it means to me:

I like it even when I don’t like it.  I want it even when I don’t want it.

2.  Do you need Safewords?

Since trust is so important in consensual non-consent I would say that safewords are vital.  Safewords make everything clear.  Of course it’s a good practice for a Dom to remind a sub that they have safewords during an intense scene.  We usually think trust has to do with the sub trusting the Dom, but the Dom has to equally be able to trust their sub.  “No means no” in a court of law, regardless if it’s a D/s relationship, even if there’s a BDSM contract.  A Dom needs to know that the sub is completely willing, even if they’re yelling and crying for something to stop.  If you are in a 24/7 relationship you can discuss removing safewords in certain situations, like during punishments.

3.  Subdrop and Aftercare will be different

After a play session, a sub might act completely different if conensual non-consent was involved.  After a scene I usually like to cuddle, but if we did some forceful, hard playing I can’t stand to be held.  My Dom knows that it’s difficult for me to receive affection after consensual non-consent, so he’ll give me my space and just maybe rest a hand on my shoulder.  It’s not uncommon for a sub to get upset and angry, almost as if they were really abused.  This is because the mind and body are so connected.  If a sub’s body is abused in a non-pleasurable way, their mind will begin to associate with that emotionally.  During subdrop they will slowly start to feel safe and in control again.  It’s extremely important for the Dom to respect this and not get offended during this time, but to continue to provide aftercare.

4.  Rape play is more than just fantasy

Many BDSM players may use the terms rape play and consensual non-consent interchangeably, but they are not the same thing.  Rape play is just one small aspect of it.  Even those in a vanilla relationship may have that fantasy.  For some victims of past abuse though, acting it out can be very therapeutic.  To them it can be a way to relive the experience, knowing that they now have the power to make it stop.  If you are going to engage in rape play with someone, make sure limits are clearly discussed.  For example, vaginal rape may be acceptable, but anal may not be.

5.   Ideas for D/s sex and beyond

There are many ways to engage in consensual non-consent, both sexual and non-sexual. If you are in a BDSM relationship, or even if you just play part-time, here are some ideas:

  • The Dom can dress up like an actually attacker (if they wear a mask, make sure at least part of the face is visible so the sub knows it’s not a real attacker)
  • Use rope to tie up the sub and gag them during sex
  • Enforce punishments that the sub will not like
  • Engage in pain play that tests the sub’s limits

Consensual non-consent is probably one of my favorite aspects of a BDSM lifestyle.  Sex can be so much more thrilling when you didn’t say yes.  Forcing someone to do something, or being forced yourself, can be very alluring.  I hope you get to enjoy this experience too.

Keep reading:   How to Play Safely »

How do you feel about consensual non-nonconsent?  Let me know in the comments.

Exactly What to Do When You Don’t Have a Partner

Whether you’re a Dom without a sub, or a sub without a Dom, not having a partner can be a hard situation to deal with.  Seeing or reading about how happy other BDSM relationships seem to be can make you wish that you had a partner too.  Here’s your surefire plan to start taking action, and soon you’ll begin enjoying the BDSM lifestyle you always wanted.

BDSM Dom without a sub

Know you’re not alone

A recent Dom Sub Living survey found that 33% of readers are not currently playing but would like to.  That’s a lot.  So don’t feel bad if you’re new and haven’t started enjoying a BDSM lifestyle yet.  There’s actually lots of reasons why someone may not have a BDSM partner or otherwise feel lonely:

  • Just starting out and haven’t met the right person yet
  • Being in-between relationships
  • Choosing to take a break
  • Being in a vanilla relationship where your partner isn’t into BDSM
  • Being in a Dom/sub relationship but feeling like your partner isn’t living up to their role

The solution to all of these situations is the same: Don’t give up!  Don’t think you’ll never have the lifestyle you want.  Instead of worrying and stressing about how things seem to be, take action and make a plan.

Review past relationships

Now’s a good time to look back at past relationships and figure out what worked and what didn’t.  Whether they were vanilla or kinky, assessing past relationships can help you to not repeat the same mistakes twice.  A good place to start is by journaling the answers to these questions:

  1. What didn’t I get in those relationships that I needed?
  2. What role did I play in the ending of the relationships?
  3. What did I like about my past partners?
  4. What didn’t I like about my past partners?
  5. What did I do right in those relationships?
  6. What can I do differently in my next relationship?
  7. Would I want myself as a partner, and why?
  8. What do I want for myself that doesn’t involve having a partner?

These questions may be tough but it’s necessary for your growth to take the time to journal and be honest.  Reflect on your answers, make the changes, and give yourself time to heal.

Make a list

Now that you’ve worked out the issues of your past, it’s time to start looking to the future.  Make a list of all the qualities you want in your prospective partner.  This will act as a type of agreement with yourself, so you can keep your senses when your heart and hormones may convince you to settle.  Things to put in your list might be:

  • Age range
  • How long they’ve been in the BDSM Lifestyle
  • View towards a polyamorous relationship
  • Their feelings about pain play, punishments, and training
  • Physical attributes
  • What they’re willing to do sexually
  • Personality qualities
  • Any “deal-breakers”

You could even make a list of questions to ask your new perspective Dom or sub.  Stand firm for your needs and values, and don’t accept anything less.  You deserve it.

Keep yourself prepared

This is the perfect time to get yourself ready for your future partner.  What does this mean?  First of all, make sure you already have the basics out of the way.  Write up a contract between you and your perspective partner.  Make sure you know your limits before you enter a relationship, even a short-term one.  I believe a true Dominant or submissive is who they are at all times, even when they have no partner, a vanilla partner, or a BDSM partner who isn’t fulfilling their role.  So work on improving yourself now.  You can read more about the two roles here:

The Ultimate Guide to Being a Dominant »

The Ultimate Guide to Being a Submissive »

Remember, right now you are your future partner’s Dom or sub.

When you’re ready to try again

Only after you’ve given yourself time and have considered everything above should you begin to think of getting a new partner.  I know it can be a real struggle to find a legitimate Dom or sub.  That’s why in Lesson 3 of my training course I share the exact process in detail to find a genuine, long-term partner.  It’s worked for hundreds of members.

Not having a partner, or having a partner who’s not giving you what you need out of BDSM, can be a frustrating situation.  So use this as an opportunity for self-reflection and a chance to better yourself.  Focus on doing what you can, and the time will pass much more quickly.  I have confidence that if you do these things, soon you will attract the type of partner that you deserve.  🖤

Keep reading: How to go from vanilla to kink »

What are your thoughts on being partnerless?  Let me know in the comments.

10 Ways to Have Better Aftercare

d/s instructions definition kink aftercare sub drop kit sub

During a BDSM scene or play session participants can experience a huge endorphin rush.  Intense pleasure or pain can cause a strong “high”, and it can be a shock when it is all over.  When emotions and endorphins come crashing down subdrop can occur.  Aftercare is what prevents this from happening.  It’s a way for those in a D/s relationship to calm down and slowly get back in touch with reality. If your aftercare has room for improvement, or worse, is nonexistent, then these ideas can help.

Want a free checklist to help you get the most out of aftercare?  Click the button bellow and send it to your partner too! 

1.  Cover up

This is probably one of the most simplest things a Dominant forgets to do.  During a scene a submissive’s body temperature usually increases and afterwards it drops, making the sub cold and uncomfortable.  Before a Dom relaxes he should cover up the sub with a blanket.  If the sub was completely naked they are also probably feeling exposed and vulnerable and this simple act can help them feel at ease.  Plus, after a very intense session a sub is usually too exhausted to cover themselves up.

2.  Verbal reassurance

A sub craves to be told that they are good and that they did a good job.  When their Dom says those words to them, it helps them to emotionally relax.  It’s not uncommon for a sub to have doubts and insecurities after a session.  Knowing they have their Dom’s approval gives them immense satisfaction.  If there was rape play or consensual non-consent during a scene, then it is extremely important for the Dom to be caring and calm, even saying, “I love you,” if it’s appropriate for the relationship.

3.  Cuddle

Just like a sub can be verbally reassured, they can also be physically reassured.  When a Dom holds and cuddles a sub it helps them to feel safe and protected.  Other small ways to make contact include snuggling, petting, pats on the head, and forehead kisses.  Feeling their Dom’s strong arms around them can go a long way in helping establish a sense of security in a D/s relationship.

4.  Water

After an intense scene, both parties should rehydrate.  It is the Dom’s responsibility to get his sub a glass of water to drink.  Drinking water can help prevent headaches, muscles aches, and urinary tract infections. Having two glasses of water nearby before a scene starts is a good habit to get into.

5.  Clean up

BDSM scenes can be quite dirty.  Sweat, lubes, bodily fluids, wax- they all need to be cleaned up.  The Dom can get a towel and wipe up their sub and themselves.  He can also help straighten things back up and put away any toys and other implements.  Sometimes a shower may be needed and the Dom can help wash the sub.  This can be another opportunity to reconnect.

6.  First-aid

A sub may have marks and bruises from a hard and intense kink session.  The Dom can massage limbs that were tied up, and apply lotion to any other sore spots.  Some people swear by arnica cream but any lotion without menthol or alcohol is good.  My favorite to use is shea butter.  Advil (brought with the water from #4) can help prevent swelling and bruising.

7.  Stuffie

Stuffies, or stuffed toys, are another tool in providing aftercare.  Littles especially love stuffies, and having one to cuddle and recuperate with helps them cope and deal with loneliness.  A Dom should bring the stuffy to his little after a play session.  If the little doesn’t own a stuffie this is a good opportunity for the Dom to buy them one.

8.  Orgasm

This one is probably my favorite for obvious reasons.  It may be the farthest thing from their mind after a hard scene but an orgasm can help the sub calm down, and to refocus.  Being beaten and used is a very stressful thing to experience and an orgasm can help a sub release that.  Also the Dom may have already orgasmed and taking care of the sub can help them not feel neglected.

For a simple (and free!) aftercare kit checklist, just click the image below and it will be emailed to you instantly.

9.  Discuss and recap

After all the previous steps have been taken, it’s good for a D/s relationship if both individuals discuss a scene after it’s over.  Doing all the relevant previous steps ensures that they are both calm and relaxed and can talk freely and openly.  This is a good time to figure out what went great, and what you’d like to try next time.

10.  Check-in the next day

Even if you’re married or in a long-term D/s relationship, next day communication is really important.  Subdrop can occur even days after a play session, so even a simple text or phone call can mean a lot.  Journaling can also help a sub to express their emotions productively, and the Dom can even assign a specific writing assignment based on the play session.  Get a FREE printable journal here »

A successful D/s relationship depends not just on hardcore scenes, but also on well planned aftercare.  As you can see, there are so many different ways to ensure that this happens.  Communicate what you need and want afterwards, and the play sessions are sure to keep getting better and better.  🖤

What’s your favorite aftercare technique?  Let me know in the comments.

Keep reading:  How to go from vanilla to BDSM »

The Ultimate Guide to a Safe BDSM Lifestyle

In the BDSM community there is a saying: Safe, Sane, Consensual. Whether you are new to the Dom/sub lifestyle or have been playing for a long time, this is the foundation for any relationship. You should always follow these three principles and so should your partner.

safe dom sub lifestyle consent BDSM

Safe

There always needs to be a discussion of limits, both hard and soft.  Respect these at all times.  All effort should be made to make a scene as safe as possible, especially for the Dominant setting it up.  Examples include:

  • Having scissors nearby to quickly cut ropes that are too tight, cable ties, etc.
  • Agreeing beforehand a safe gesture instead of a word if choking is acceptable.  And if the gesture involves the arms/hands, having these free at all times during choking.
  • Taking steps to avoid severe burns and fires during wax play.

Of course there are MANY more safety issues but the point is they need to be communicated, identified, and prevented.  Nobody wants an embarrassing visit to the emergency room or to have to call the fire department.

Sane

Both the Dom and the sub should be adults in a sound state of mind.  Even though BDSM is a form of therapy for some, if there are severe mental health issues present make sure to address them with a professional. Also under the principle of “Sane”: Don’t do anything stupid! For example, if you want to play rape, don’t kidnap your partner in public and attack them. You will most likely end up in jail.

Consensual

This is probably the core of BDSM and what many vanillas  cannot wrap their heads around.  All parties involved need to WANT this. Even with consensual non-consent there should be a prior discussion.  Hopefully this involves a contract or at the very least safewords. No one should ever reluctantly practice BDSM just to make someone else happy.  From simple kink to Total Power Exchange, from playful spankings to hardcore punishments, EVERYTHING has to be consensual.

Always keep and respect the three principles of SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual) .  They are what separates BDSM from criminal abuse or neurotic self-destructive behavior.  Have fun but make sure to always play responsibly. 🖤

Keep reading:  Enjoying bondage »

What does consent mean to you?  Let me know in the comments.

BDSM + Kink Tips