10 Ways to Have Better Aftercare

d/s instructions definition kink aftercare sub drop kit sub

During a BDSM scene or play session participants can experience a huge endorphin rush.  Intense pleasure or pain can cause a strong “high”, and it can be a shock when it is all over.  When emotions and endorphins come crashing down subdrop can occur.  Aftercare is what prevents this from happening.  It’s a way for those in a D/s relationship to calm down and slowly get back in touch with reality. If your aftercare has room for improvement, or worse, is nonexistent, then these ideas can help.

Want a free checklist to help you get the most out of aftercare?  Click the button bellow and send it to your partner too! 

1.  Cover up

This is probably one of the most simplest things a Dominant forgets to do.  During a scene a submissive’s body temperature usually increases and afterwards it drops, making the sub cold and uncomfortable.  Before a Dom relaxes he should cover up the sub with a blanket.  If the sub was completely naked they are also probably feeling exposed and vulnerable and this simple act can help them feel at ease.  Plus, after a very intense session a sub is usually too exhausted to cover themselves up.

2.  Verbal reassurance

A sub craves to be told that they are good and that they did a good job.  When their Dom says those words to them, it helps them to emotionally relax.  It’s not uncommon for a sub to have doubts and insecurities after a session.  Knowing they have their Dom’s approval gives them immense satisfaction.  If there was rape play or consensual non-consent during a scene, then it is extremely important for the Dom to be caring and calm, even saying, “I love you,” if it’s appropriate for the relationship.

3.  Cuddle

Just like a sub can be verbally reassured, they can also be physically reassured.  When a Dom holds and cuddles a sub it helps them to feel safe and protected.  Other small ways to make contact include snuggling, petting, pats on the head, and forehead kisses.  Feeling their Dom’s strong arms around them can go a long way in helping establish a sense of security in a D/s relationship.

4.  Water

After an intense scene, both parties should rehydrate.  It is the Dom’s responsibility to get his sub a glass of water to drink.  Drinking water can help prevent headaches, muscles aches, and urinary tract infections. Having two glasses of water nearby before a scene starts is a good habit to get into.

5.  Clean up

BDSM scenes can be quite dirty.  Sweat, lubes, bodily fluids, wax- they all need to be cleaned up.  The Dom can get a towel and wipe up their sub and themselves.  He can also help straighten things back up and put away any toys and other implements.  Sometimes a shower may be needed and the Dom can help wash the sub.  This can be another opportunity to reconnect.

6.  First-aid

A sub may have marks and bruises from a hard and intense kink session.  The Dom can massage limbs that were tied up, and apply lotion to any other sore spots.  Some people swear by arnica cream but any lotion without menthol or alcohol is good.  My favorite to use is shea butter.  Advil (brought with the water from #4) can help prevent swelling and bruising.

7.  Stuffie

Stuffies, or stuffed toys, are another tool in providing aftercare.  Littles especially love stuffies, and having one to cuddle and recuperate with helps them cope and deal with loneliness.  A Dom should bring the stuffy to his little after a play session.  If the little doesn’t own a stuffie this is a good opportunity for the Dom to buy them one.

8.  Orgasm

This one is probably my favorite for obvious reasons.  It may be the farthest thing from their mind after a hard scene but an orgasm can help the sub calm down, and to refocus.  Being beaten and used is a very stressful thing to experience and an orgasm can help a sub release that.  Also the Dom may have already orgasmed and taking care of the sub can help them not feel neglected.

For a simple (and free!) aftercare kit checklist, just click the image below and it will be emailed to you instantly.

9.  Discuss and recap

After all the previous steps have been taken, it’s good for a D/s relationship if both individuals discuss a scene after it’s over.  Doing all the relevant previous steps ensures that they are both calm and relaxed and can talk freely and openly.  This is a good time to figure out what went great, and what you’d like to try next time.

10.  Check-in the next day

Even if you’re married or in a long-term D/s relationship, next day communication is really important.  Subdrop can occur even days after a play session, so even a simple text or phone call can mean a lot.  Journaling can also help a sub to express their emotions productively, and the Dom can even assign a specific writing assignment based on the play session.  Get a FREE printable journal here »

A successful D/s relationship depends not just on hardcore scenes, but also on well planned aftercare.  As you can see, there are so many different ways to ensure that this happens.  Communicate what you need and want afterwards, and the play sessions are sure to keep getting better and better.  🖤

What’s your favorite aftercare technique?  Let me know in the comments.

Keep reading:  How to go from vanilla to BDSM »

The Ultimate Guide to a Safe BDSM Lifestyle

In the BDSM community there is a saying: Safe, Safe, Consensual. Whether you are new to the Dom/sub lifestyle or have been playing for a long time, this is the foundation for any relationship. You should always follow these three principles and so should your partner.

safe dom sub lifestyle consent BDSM

Safe

There always needs to be a discussion of limits, both hard and soft.  Respect these at all times.  All effort should be made to make a scene as safe as possible, especially for the Dominant setting it up.  Examples include:

  • Having scissors nearby to quickly cut ropes that are too tight, cable ties, etc.
  • Agreeing beforehand a safe gesture instead of a word if choking is acceptable.  And if the gesture involves the arms/hands, having these free at all times during choking.
  • Taking steps to avoid severe burns and fires during wax play.

Of course there are MANY more safety issues but the point is they need to be communicated, identified, and prevented.  Nobody wants an embarrassing visit to the emergency room or to have to call the fire department.

Sane

Both the Dom and the sub should be adults in a sound state of mind.  Even though BDSM is a form of therapy for some, if there are severe mental health issues present make sure to address them with a professional. Also under the principle of “Sane”: Don’t do anything stupid! For example, if you want to play rape, don’t kidnap your partner in public and attack them. You will most likely end up in jail.

Consensual

This is probably the core of BDSM and what many vanillas  cannot wrap their heads around.  All parties involved need to WANT this. Even with consensual non-consent there should be a prior discussion.  Hopefully this involves a contract or at the very least safewords. No one should ever reluctantly practice BDSM just to make someone else happy.  From simple kink to Total Power Exchange, from playful spankings to hardcore punishments, EVERYTHING has to be consensual.

Always keep and respect the three principles of SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual) .  They are what separates BDSM from criminal abuse or neurotic self-destructive behavior.  Have fun but make sure to always play responsibly. 🖤

Keep reading:  Enjoying bondage »

What does consent mean to you?  Let me know in the comments.

8 Ways to Enjoy Bondage

Bondage is one of the fundamental aspects of a Dominant/submissive relationship.  It’s represents the first letter of the word BDSM.  It may seem like just a kinky fetish, but real sexual gratification comes from bondage. The pleasure is derived from rendering the restrained person vulnerable to a variety of sex acts.  How can you get started with bondage and enjoy it safely?  Here are 8 ideas to inspire you.

BDSM Bondage ideas art

Be sure to read all the safety precautions first! »

1.  Cable zip ties

I thought I’d start with one of my favorites.  Zip ties are used to hold together cables or wires and are made out of a plastic-like nylon.  They usually come in clear or black and are really easy to use.  Simply put them around the wrists like handcuffs, thread the tail through the loop, and they’re locked.  I like them because they are super strong, and the material can cut into my skin when I struggle.  They can leave nice marks too.  The ties come in different sizes so make sure to buy the longer ones.  They are easy to get out of quickly because you just cut them to release them.  The only down side is that they are not reusable, but you can buy a lot of them for really cheap.

2.  Suit tie

This is a really sexy way to enjoy bondage even if you are in a vanilla relationship.  A man’s tie, made of silk or satin, is the perfect size and length to get started with bondage.  There are many ways to use one.  It can be used to tie the hands behind the back of the body, or in the front.  Once the wrists are tied, the Dom could tie the end to a bed frame or another piece of furniture.  It can also be secured around the sub’s neck like a traditional tie, and used as a leash to lead them around.  It’s versatile enough to be used as a blindfold or even a gag.  Really the possibilities are endless.

3.  Spreader bar

Another fun piece of equipment, a spreader bar is used to keep the limbs apart.  It is usually attached to the ankles and the bar’s length is increased to open the legs wider.  Some spreader bars also have cuffs for the wrists too, so the hands are attached right next to the feet.  This gives the Dom easy access to do to the sub whatever they wish.  If the spreader bar has a key make sure beforehand that it works properly and it is within reach at all times.

4.  Handcuffs

These can be really thrilling to use because they play into the whole “bad cop” fantasy.  Metal ones are nice because they can press into the skin and give a masochistic sub more pleasure.  As with all of the previous bondage ideas there are a lot of hand placement options. They can even be hooked through something overhead like a clothes rod while the sub is standing.  Just be careful not to make them too tight because they could do some real damage.  And make sure the key works and is accessible.  No one likes to make an embarrassing call to a locksmith.

5.  Rope

This is probably the best known tool for bondage and doesn’t require a trip to a sex store.  Rope can be used to tie a sub in lots of different positions.  “Hog tie,” where the hands are tied to the feet behind the back, makes the sub extremely vulnerable.  The best rope is smooth, usually nylon so it doesn’t chafe the skin.  If you like it to feel rough then I recommend a natural fiber like manila hemp.  In our bedroom we have ropes tied to the four corners of our bed at all times.  My Dom will use more rope or cable ties to attach me to the corners in various positions.  When we are done playing the rope can be tucked back under the bed out of sight and ready for the next play session.  People who enjoy being tied up are usually called “Rope Bunnies”.

6.  Shibari/Kinbaku

Shibari and Kinbaku are two terms to describe a type of Japanese bondage.  Although the words are sometimes used interchangeably they are actually two different things.  Shibari usually refers to general, artistic rope tying, while Kinbaku is a more sexual form of it.  Today you can see rope Masters performing intricate bondage styles at different shows and events.  The art is more in the ritualistic way it is done than in the finished project.  There are also many designs and techniques like the crotch rope tie, Strappado bondage (where the hands are tied behind and pulled up), and suspension bondage.

7.  Collar with “O” ring

My play collar has a big “O” ring on the front of it that can be used for many things.  A Dom could use zip ties, a suit tie, or ropes to secure the sub’s hands to the collar.  A traditional leash or chain can also be hooked onto it to keep the sub restrained.  Some collars have “O” rings in multiple places so the sub can be bound from the back of the neck too.  Look for a well made collar that is comfortable but strong enough to take a lot of pulling.

8.  When restraints become undone

Sometimes, despite a Dom’s best tying skills, a restraint may come undone.  It’s going to happen.  There’s no need to be embarrassed, get frustrated, or end a scene.  If a sub notices that a rope is coming loose for instance they can just playfully say, “Master, I think my restraints need to be tighter.”  Or if a Dom sees that a sub is getting loose even in a rape play scene, he can stay in character and just quickly retie them.  The point is to just fix it without making a big deal of it, and to continue to enjoy yourself

Hopefully I made your next trip to your local hardware store a little more interesting.  Obviously we just scratched the surface of bondage but these eight ways should get your creative juices flowing.  Have fun!  🖤

Keep reading:  Using Safewords »
What are your favorite bondage ideas? Let me know in the comments.

The Ultimate Guide to Being a Submissive

Submissive girl collar sub woman

Serving a Dominant is a very fulfilling lifestyle.  However, many submissive beginners are lost.  They don’t know what the role entails.  Many times they are just looking for someone to fix them, to make them feel more complete.  In all honesty though, being a sub is a lot of work, mentally, emotionally, and sexually.  How can they successfully meet the challenge?  Let’s consider what it truly means to be a good sub.

I have a FREE cheatsheet for you to help put these ideas into practice! Click the button below to get it right now.

What a submissive isn’t

First and foremost, a sub is not a doormat.  They have feelings and needs and so they shouldn’t serve apathetically or reluctantly.  A real Dom wouldn’t want a doormat anyway.  They want someone who truly desires to be owned.  Being a sub also isn’t consenting to being abused.  Unlike BDSM, abuse has no limits or safewords.  If you are a sub, be very careful not to give your submission to just anyone.  True submission has to be earned first.  There are many bad Doms out there, and even predators pretending to be Doms.

What is a sub?

The definition of a submissive is an obedient, compliant person who likes to give up control.  They crave being used and need to serve.  They are the subservient partner of a relationship and that is why “sub” is always spelled with a lowercase while “Dom” is always capital.  A submissive can take on many different roles such as:

They strive to please their Dom in all things, not just sexually.  This means that they may have to give up some of their own personal freedoms and preferences.  It is not uncommon for a sub to have a mild and quiet personality. They are obedient, and accept discipline when needed.  Subs aim to conduct themselves  in a respectful and modest manner at all times, recognizing that their behavior is a direct reflection on their Dom.

Challenges to being submissive

Subs are not perfect; they will mess up from time to time.  There’s also the fact that in a 24/7 relationship there are stressors like full-time jobs and children.  It can be hard to work on behavior modification and serving someone else when you are tired and pressed for time.  Also a test to many is being obedient even when not in the presence of their Dom.  One challenge I have had to overcome as a submissive is topping from the bottom.  In the beginning I would rebel a little, or try to subtly undermine my Dom’s decisions.  I’ve learned that instead the best and simplest response I can give is, “Yes, Daddy.”  In the end it makes both of our lives so much easier.

How to be more submissive

A sub should always remember that they should be making their Dom’s life easier, not harder.  Proactively thinking what the Dom  needs in any given moment, and fulfilling it will bring him great pleasure.  One of the greatest ways a sub can do this is sexually of course, and so submitting to any requested act within one’s contract is a must.  They should also try to obey rules to the best of their ability, but if discipline is necessary they should take it willingly.  Wearing a collar, even a discreet one in public, can help keep a sub in the slave mindset.  They are property owned by someone else, and as such they are a representation of their Dom.  This will cause a sub to take great pride in the health and presentation of their bodies.  Ways they can do this are:

  • Getting sufficient sleep
  • Exercising regularly
  • Eating a healthy diet
  • Dressing properly
  • Having good hygiene and grooming

True submission is not just a role, it is a way of life.  Being a submissive means they are held to a higher standard, but it is all worth it.  They will receive the ultimate gift of a Dom’s complete approval.  ♥

What challenges have you or your partner faced with being a sub? Let me know in the comments.

Keep reading:  The Ultimate Guide to Being a Dominant »

The Ultimate Guide to Being a Dominant

In the BDSM world, “Dominant” is a word that’s thrown around a lot.  Being a Dom can seem very appealing.  Most are men who want to be more dominant sexually in bed, but also in their relationships, and even in life in general.  Unfortunately, there are a lot of fake Doms out there.  How can you make sure you’re not acting like one?  Or if you’re a submissive, what should you look for in a Dom?  Let’s consider what it truly means to be a real Dom.

Sexually dominant dom man

What a Dominant isn’t

To start, let’s focus on some of the warning signs of a bad or fake Dom.  If they focus more on what they are getting than what they are giving that is a huge clue.  Of course the nature of a Dom can be somewhat selfish but they should always make sure that the sub is satisfied not just sexually, but emotionally and physically too.  Many new Doms latch onto the idea of getting sucked whenever they want, even in the beginning of new relationships.  But just like any relationship, trust needs to be earned.  A fake Dom may say things like, “You’re not really a sub,” or, “A good sub would do XYZ.”  If you’re a sub, don’t fall for it.  And if you’re a Dom, don’t say things like that unless the sub consents to being talked to that way.  Real emotional harm can be done.

What is a Dom?

The definition of a Dominant is an important, powerful person who likes to be in charge.  They crave obedience and need to be in control.  They tend to be the “Alpha Male,” and that is why “Dom” is always spelled with a capital while “sub” is always lowercase.  A Dominant can take on many different roles such as:

They strive to exercise control in all things, not just over their sub sexually.  This means that they have order in their own personal lives.  It is not uncommon for a Dom to have an obsessive-compulsive personality. They take great pride in the health of their bodies, their homes, vehicles, and jobs, knowing these all reflect on them. The Dom takes responsibility for the wellbeing and the proper training, guidance, and discipline of their sub.  The Dom also maintains a stable and safe environment in which their sub may perform their duties in service of the Dom.

Challenges to being Dominant

Doms are not perfect; they will mess up from time to time.  They can still apologize without appearing weak by just admitting what they did wrong and what they will do to fix it.  Doms shouldn’t lose their temper.  They can get mad and angry but they should always strive to be in control.  Another challenge a Dom may face is going against society’s rules of being kind and gentle towards women.  They’re supposed to be the “nice guy.”  Many men find it hard to be assertive in bed because of this.  They may feel guilty always taking, but a Dom needs to remember that subs want and need to be used sexually.  That doesn’t mean that a Dom can’t be giving in bed, but just being more assertive in that part of the relationship will help them fulfill their role.  Ways a Dom can do this are:

  • Holding their sub down during sex
  • Tying up their sub in bed so they are restrained
  • Telling their sub what to do sexually instead of asking
  • Delaying their sub’s orgasm to show they are in control of it

One challenge my Daddy said he had to overcome was being afraid he was being too strict and hard on me with punishments.  To be honest I don’t think he’s ever gone too far.  I know that if I ever did feel that way that is what safewords and my journal are for.  If anything, I think I get off too easily sometimes.

How to be more Dominant

A Dom’s body language and speech need to be powerful and in control. They should also look the part.  They don’t have to be a Christian Grey, but they should be fit, have good hygiene, be well dressed, and not sloppy. Doms should have good posture and stand tall, being above the sub, often making them sit below them or kneel.  A Dom should also talk confidently and be direct.  They wouldn’t ask, “Where would you like to go to dinner?”  They would say, “I’m taking you out to dinner.  Pick a place.”  One of my favorite things my Daddy does is tell me to make him coffee.  When we were vanilla he would ask me, “Do you think you can make me coffee please?”  Now he just tells me to do it and it always puts a smile on my face to perform this simple task for him.

How does a Dom train a sub?

Training a sub is a lot of work and not to be taken lightly.  It is a very rewarding process though. When a Dom trains a sub they are molding them to be a better version of themselves.  Behavior modification is achieved through maintaining structure and order.  Subs thrive on a set routine and rules and protocols can help a Dom provide that.  The sub should keep a journal so the Dom can get inside their head.  Punishments are usually necessary to help guide and correct them.  It takes constant effort, but It is a beautiful thing when the sub becomes exactly what the Dom desires.

True Dominance is not just a role, it is a way of life.  Being a Dominant means they are held to a higher standard, but it is all worth it.  They will receive the ultimate gift of a sub’s willing submission.  ♥

Keep Reading:  The Ultimate Guide to Being a Submissive »

What challenges have you or your partner faced with being a Dom? Let me know in the comments.

3 reasons why you need to watch the “Secretary”

Secretary movie quotes

Probably one of the best BDSM movies (and definitely more realistic than 50 Shades of Grey) is the SecretarySecretary is a 2002 Indie film starring Maggie Gyllenhaal as Lee Holloway and James Spader as E. Edward Grey. The film explores the relationship between a dominant lawyer and his submissive secretary.  There is so much I love about this movie.  If you haven’t seen it I highly encourage you to watch it. Here are my top reasons why it’s one of the best BDSM films out there.

1.  “Secretary” explores the issue of self harm

After I had seen the trailer for the movie I just assumed it was about a kinky boss. I didn’t know anything about Lee being a cutter.  As a person who has been involved with self-harm also, it was very hard to watch the cutting scenes. I got a little angry at first, thinking the movie was just stereotyping submissives.  But then I started to think, “Maybe I’m not the only one, maybe there is a correlation.”  If you do practice self harm, or have in the past, I would love to hear about it in the comments.  A big part of the film’s story revolves around Lee’s cutting, so I loved that it talked openly about such a taboo topic.  The only part that was a little disappointing was when Edward tells her, “You will never, ever cut yourself again. Do you understand? Have I made that perfectly clear. You’re over that now. It’s in the past.” I thought it was a good response for a Dominant to say, but of course she never ends up cutting herself after he says it.  I thought that was a little unrealistic.

2.  It shows BDSM is deeper than just whips and chains

Secretary isn’t a mainstream erotic movie like 50 Shades of Grey.  I kept wondering why it was given an “R” rating until the very end when there was one sex scene.  Secretary explores what Dominance and submission can look like in real life, and how pain can be so fulfilling.  It also deals with obsessive compulsive disorders and the need for control.  Edward tells her how much to eat, and gives her tasks to do.  One I really liked was when he told Lee to go for a walk.  She obeyed and during her walk she said to herself, “When I thought about it, I realized I probably never had taken a walk alone. But because he had given me the permission to do this, because he insisted on it. I felt held by him as I walked alone. I felt he was with me.”  To me this really embodies the purpose of rituals and how meaningful they can be.  My favorite quote from the movie is when Lee is sitting at her boss’s desk, with her forearms on the table and she refuses to move.  Her ex-fiance asks her if she’s doing something sexual.  She replies angrily, “Does this look sexual to you?”  It’s a myth that BDSM is only sexual and that part really illustrated that it’s not.

3.  BDSM is never the problem that needs to be fixed

Secretary deals with kink like it’s completely natural, even in the scene where Edward treats Lee like a horse.  In an interview, director Steven Shainberg said he wanted to show that BDSM relationships can be normal.  He didn’t want to do a story where Lee overcomes her cutting and learns she doesn’t need pain anymore.  Lee says to herself at the end of the movie, “I feel more than I’ve ever felt, and I’ve found someone to feel with, to play with, to love, in a way that feels right for me.”  And Edward learns that his OCD behavior is not something he has to hide from Lee.  The director also said that they could’ve dealt with the  S&M material in a dark way, but they wanted the total opposite: they wanted to show that the nature of the relationship freed the characters to be their natural selves.  And in the end that’s what happens.  Lee and Edward live happily ever after, living their lifestyle 24/7.

I really hope that if you haven’t seen Secretary yet that you do so soon. It may give you a new perspective on what a BDSM relationship can be. You can watch it online through iTunes, Google Play, or Amazon Video.

Have you seen “Secretary”?  What’s your favorite BDSM movie?  Tell me in the comments.

Read more:  How to go from vanilla to Kink  »

BDSM Myths You Need to Stop Believing Now

Whether you are just curious about BDSM or you have been playing for a long time, you have probably encountered many myths about it.  Below are some of the top ones debunked.  These were originally featured in the newsletter for “Dom Sub Living” and more will continue to be added.

Sign up for the “Dom Sub Living” newsletter here »

 

bdsm myths

Myth: Real subs don’t have safewords

FACT: If a sub is new to BDSM or coming into a new relationship, it is a huge red flag if they say they don’t have safewords.  Safewords build trust and bring meaning into the relationship.  Be comfortable using them and you will experience greater pleasure.

Myth: BDSM is always sexual

FACT: During scenes it is not uncommon for there to be no sexual contact with the other person.  Also many find gratification in the nonsexual aspects of rituals and ageplay.

Myth: Ageplayers are Pedophiles

FACT: Pedophillia is having sexual feelings towards children, and a sub is a consenting adult.  A DaddyDom wants to be with HIS little girl, not little girls in general.

Myth: A person who is dominant or submissive in life will prefer that role in BDSM

FACT:  People who are dominant in life will sometimes take on a submissive role in the bedroom, and vice versa.  It’s normal to want a break from being how you are at work or in your day to day relationships.

Myth: People who practice BDSM have multiple partners

FACT:  People who practice BDSM can be monogamous, polyamorous, or whatever they want to be. Not everyone who’s interested in a kinky lifestyle has multiple sexual or relationship partners. Many are looking for a long-term relationship, or just want to play with their current partner.

Myth: Switches are usually bisexual

FACT:  Switches can be straight, gay, or bi. Just because a person likes switching between Dominant and submissive roles, doesn’t mean they like switching their sexual orientation.

What myth do you hate hearing? Tell me in the comments.

Read more:  How to go from vanilla to BDSM and kink  »

How to go from Vanilla to BDSM and Kink

One of the questions I get asked the most is, “How do I go from vanilla to BDSM?” (Vanilla means plain, normal, or boring.) Usually the person who asks is already in a relationship, and wants to start incorporating kink. It can be hard when you are already married or dating and you want to switch to a Dominant/submissive lifestyle (D/s). It is possible though to make the change (my husband and I are proof).  Here is how to make your kinky journey successful.  Be sure to learn the BDSM essentials first by clicking here.

BDSM vanilla kink switch kinky d/s start

Start by communicating

One of the awesome things about a D/s lifestyle is that there is usually a whole lot more communication than a vanilla one.  Start by telling your partner what you already like about your relationship.  Then you can begin to tell them things you want to maybe try or are just curious about.  Ask them what their kinky fantasies are.  This may take a few tries so keep things positive and be patient.  Saying the word “BDSM” may scare them off so maybe just talk about the aspects of it you like.  This can be things like bondage, spanking, and control.  Sometimes a person has to get comfortable just talking about things before they feel they can start doing them in real life.  Read articles on domsubliving.com together and keep your conversations light and fun.

Make a kink contract

Contracts don’t have to be for hardcore D/s couples.  Experts say that talking about sex openly and writing it down in a contract is good for even vanilla relationships.  If you need somewhere to start, download a free template here.  Contracts can include roles and what those involve (even if it’s just that the man is the husband/boyfriend and the woman is the wife/girlfriend).  Other things to cover are limits (the kinky things you or your partner won’t do), safewords, rituals, and if/what discipline is acceptable.  Don’t be embarrassed or take yourself too seriously.  Have fun discussing your contract and check in regularly to see if it’s working or to renegotiate.

When things don’t go as you hoped

Whether you’re vanilla or practicing BDSM, you shouldn’t expect perfection from your partner.  Resentment builds when one person starts to feel like the other isn’t fulfilling their role.  In D/s this could be the Dom feeling his sub isn’t being submissive enough, or the sub feeling her Dom isn’t being dominant enough.  What should you do when this happens? As always: communicate.  If talking about it makes you feel uncomfortable or you’re hitting a brick wall, a journal can be a safe place to express your feelings freely.  Journaling is great for any relationship, vanilla or kinky.  You can download a free journal here which includes prompts to help you start.

Make the switch from vanilla safely

You may be tempted to jump right into a kinky lifestyle but start slow.  In the BDSM community “Safe, Sane, and Consensual” is extremely important.  If not practiced correctly, a D/s relationship can be dangerous, both physically and emotionally.  However, when it is enjoyed in a healthy way it can be extremely fulfilling.  I hope with these suggestions all who want to can go from vanilla to BDSM and kink successfully.  🖤

Have you tried making the switch?  What challenges have you faced?  Let me know in the comments.

Keep reading: Creating Your Contract  »

The Ultimate Guide to Keeping a Submissive’s Journal

Submissive Journal BDSM

In the beginning of my BDSM journey, I thought keeping a journal was a very vanilla thing to do.  “Shouldn’t I just tell my Daddy all my innermost feelings and ideas?” I thought.  I didn’t think a journal would be that useful for a submissive, but my Dominant wanted me to keep one so I obeyed.  Here is what I’ve learned along the way, plus some writing prompts to get you started.  Also, make sure to download your free template here.

Why is a journal so important?

A journal is a submissive’s safe place to write down whatever they want.  In a life full of control and submission, it can be their only outlet to vent their feelings freely.  Journaling can be very therapeutic.  It also gives the Dom a glimpse into their sub’s mind so he can better understand her.  In order for this all to happen though, a sub should always feel safe to write anything in their journal without fear of being punished.  And if a sub is constantly asked, “Why did you write that?”, she’ll slowly stop writing for herself and more for pleasing her Master.  My journal has a list of rules at the beginning of it.  Here is a sample of it:

“Only the submissive can write here, unless she gives approval for the Dominant to respond in it.  All other responses of the Dom will be by email, text, or handwritten notes only.  The sub will not have to answer for anything she writes here, or be held accountable. The Dom can indirectly discuss any concerns he has but without referencing her journal.”

Journal rules and expectations can also be explained in a BDSM contract as well.

Ideas to get you started

The most traditional type of journal is a notebook, maybe kept in a sub’s nightstand where the Dom has access to it.  With technology now though there are a lot better alternatives.  I feel the best journal is a digital document that both parties share.  I keep a note on my phone entitled “Submissive’s Journal” that I have shared with my Dom.  The advantage to this is that he gets a notification on his phone as soon as I write a new entry.  That way I don’t have to wonder if he’s seen that I wrote something, and he doesn’t have to keep checking it.  You could easily do this in a Word or Pages document too.  If you are afraid someone else will accidentally read it you could also protect it with a password.  Journals can also be done online, or even as part of a blog.

Writing Prompts

Now that you know why to write and how to write, it’s time to figure out what to write. Basically a submissive can write anything they want as a reflection of what’s going on in their mind. If nothing is coming to you or you just need some fresh inspiration, here’s some examples to get you started:

  • What you like most about being a sub/slave/little.
  • The biggest challenges to being a sub/slave/little.
  • Positive things that happened during the day
  • Your favorite sexual things, or new things you want to try.
  • If you could change one thing about your current relationship what would it be
  • Read a post on domsubliving.com and journal your thoughts about it.
  • Your goals as a sub/slave/little
  • What you would tell your past-BDSM self

Of course one of the best ways to get ideas for journaling is for a sub to ask their Dom. I’m sure he would love to know his sub’s thoughts on many different subjects.

How often should a sub journal?

A submissive doesn’t have to journal every day (unless their Dom tells them to), but they should at the very least journal once a week. Journaling often can allow a sub to release their frustrations through writing, and it can keep them from acting out or behaving bratty.  It can catch and fix problems early. A sub shouldn’t only journal when they are upset and need to vent though. It’s also good for them to record positive things, so both the sub and the Dom can look back on their relationship with confidence.

A word for the Dom:

It is extremely important that your sub should always feel comfortable writing in their journal. It may be their only safe place they are allowed to vent, “cry”, or “scream”. If your sub senses that you are judging them because of what they write, they may begin to censor their entries. Even if your sub writes, “I hate my Dom,” resist the urge to ask why they wrote it. Remember, children and teenagers will often journal rebelliously, so your little is just expressing normal behaviors. Instead of confronting your sub, ask them later how they are feeling and if there is anything they think needs improvement. 

A well-used journal is a sign of a sub who feels comfortable and safe. Writing often is not only good for sub, but will help the Dom better understand the needs of the BDSM relationship.

How do you journal?  What are your ideas for prompts? Share in the the comments. 

Keep Reading: More ways to prevent bratty behavior »

 

6 Things You Need to Know About Safewords

Safewords are one of those fundamental aspects of BDSM that are usually discussed only in the beginning. After they are established they are rarely given a second thought, but it’s good to sometimes re-evaluate them.  The meaning of “safeword” is that it is a code to communicate when a submissive is either at their limit, or close to it.  They are extremely important when engaging in consensual non-consent activities like rape fantasy.  Here are some points to keep in mind, and some safeword ideas too.

BDSM Safewords

1.  They don’t always have to be “Red” or “Yellow”

The most popular safeword is “Red” for when the sub cannot tolerate any further demands. When this word is said the Dominant’s actions cease completely with immediate effect.  The safeword “Yellow” is used to bring to the attention of the Dom that the sub is close to their limit of endurance.  These are my favorite and the ones I use with my Dom, but we also have an alternative.  Back when we were vanilla but also doing kinky things, I would use his middle name as a code.  I had used it for so long that it was still a habit so we decided to keep it.  When you are in the middle of a very intense situation, it is somewhat of a knee jerk reaction to blurt out the first thing that comes to mind.  So pick a safeword(s) you feel comfortable with.  Some popular examples are:

  • Apple
  • Red
  • Pineapple
  • Dom’s middle name
  • Banana
  • Yellow
  • Safeword
  • Mercy
  • Oklahoma

2. Safewords can help establish limits

If a couple is exploring something new like anal play, safe words can help guide the Dom as to what is acceptable and what is too far.  One of the roles of a good Dom is to push the boundaries of their sub a little, to see what they are and aren’t OK with. To use safewords in this way a Dom can check in with the sub during a scene and ask, “What color?”  The sub can then replay “Red”, “Yellow”, or even “Green” to indicate that she wants to go further.  You could even practice this technique to get a sub comfortable using safewords.

3. Subs can abuse their safewords

Let me start off by saying that there is nothing wrong with using safewords.  They are a sacred part of BDSM, and are there to make sure everything stays safe, sane, and consensual.  A sub should never feel guilty when she uses them legitimately.  The problem arises when it becomes a way to get out of something they just don’t want to do.  It can become the vanilla equivalent of saying they have a headache.  Besides sexual requests they may use a safeword when a situation becomes too emotionally difficult and they just want a break.  The sub becomes the one in control when they safeword because they don’t WANT to do something, not that they CAN’T do something.  Find out what the Dom and the sub can do to fix this here. 

4. You can try getting rid of them… maybe

In some Master/slave relationships there is the concept of Total Power Exchange (TPE).  This means that the slave has relinquished all rights, even the right to a safeword.  If the sub consents to this (and she has to consent) there needs to be complete trust in the Dom’s control, and his knowledge of the sub.  This is best for long term, 24/7 relationships.  If you’re not ready for this step, an alternative could be agreeing to forgo safewords during discipline.  This has the advantage that a sub is more liking to learn from their punishment or not misbehave, if they know they cannot safeword out of it.  The Dom would then have total control over the discipline and not the sub.  Another posibility would be to not let the sub use “Red” while being punished, only “Yellow”.

5.  You need a nonverbal signal too

If choking or gagging is acceptable you won’t be able to talk, so agree beforehand on a safe gesture instead of a word.  This can be a hand signal or placing an item in the sub’s hand that she can drop when she has reached her limit.  The downside to these is that their arms and hands would have to be free at all times.  And there is the risk that the Dom may not be able to see the signal. To get around this my Dom and I have the agreement that my hands and arms are always free during choking, and our “safeword” is that I will tap his body anywhere I can.  Once he feels it he releases me immediately.  Try a practice session before committing to your signal.

6. Subs can forget their safewords

Sometimes the Dom may make demands of the sub that cannot be met without incurring physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, or other harm.  That is when the sub should use their safewords.  However, in that circumstance the sub may already be distraught because of the severity of the situation, and they may forget their safeword.  Or it may not instinctively come to their mind.  If the Dom is sensing that the sub’s condition is becoming deeply upset and agitated, he should remind her of her safewords.  Also if something new, or extremely intense is going to happen then the Dom should remind her of her safewords.  My Dom is very good about this, but one thing I like to do during something very demanding is to repeat my safewords to myself in my head.  This way they will more readily come to mind if I need to use them.

No one should ever say, “a real sub doesn’t have safewords.”  If a sub is new to BDSM or coming in to a new relationship, it is a huge red flag if they say they don’t have safewords.  Safewords build trust and bring meaning into the relationship.  Be comfortable using them and you will experience greater pleasure.  🖤

A safe place to explore BDSM