5 Things You Need to Know About Consensual Non-Consent

One of the most controversial subjects in the BDSM community is consensual non-consent.  A lot of other blogs will tell you that in a Dominant/submissive (D/s) relationship, once you give your consent you cannot take it away.  And even though the fantasy of rape play is pretty common, it’s still a taboo topic.  What is the real meaning of consensual non-consent? Let’s take a closer look at what it is, plus I have some stimulating ideas to get you started.

Consensual Non-consent sex d/s fantasy ideas meaning

1.  Consensual non-consent meaning

The definition for consensual non-consent is a mutual agreement where the Dom is able to act as if the sub has waived all consent. Complete consent is given beforehand, with the understanding of it being a permanent arrangement under most circumstances.  The bottom line is that this is something the sub has willingly said they wanted.  The “non-consensual” part also means that sometimes the Dom may have to make the sub obey if she refuses.  Why would a sub, and especially a slave, say “no” if they already gave their total submission? Simply put, because subs and slaves aren’t robots.  They have feelings, needs, wants, and imperfections too.  They may disagree with the Dom, and voice it, but they still ultimately want to serve and be used.

If you’re still confused as to the meaning of consensual non-consent, here is what it means to me:

I like it even when I don’t like it.  I want it even when I don’t want it.

2.  Do you need Safewords?

Since trust is so important in consensual non-consent I would say that safewords are vital.  Safewords make everything clear.  Of course it’s a good practice for a Dom to remind a sub that they have safewords during an intense scene.  We usually think trust has to do with the sub trusting the Dom, but the Dom has to equally be able to trust their sub.  “No means no” in a court of law, regardless if it’s a D/s relationship, even if there’s a BDSM contract.  A Dom needs to know that the sub is completely willing, even if they’re yelling and crying for something to stop.  If you are in a 24/7 relationship you can discuss removing safewords in certain situations, like during punishments.

3.  Subdrop and Aftercare will be different

After a play session, a sub might act completely different if conensual non-consent was involved.  After a scene I usually like to cuddle, but if we did some forceful, hard playing I can’t stand to be held.  My Dom knows that it’s difficult for me to receive affection after consensual non-consent, so he’ll give me my space and just maybe rest a hand on my shoulder.  It’s not uncommon for a sub to get upset and angry, almost as if they were really abused.  This is because the mind and body are so connected.  If a sub’s body is abused in a non-pleasurable way, their mind will begin to associate with that emotionally.  During subdrop they will slowly start to feel safe and in control again.  It’s extremely important for the Dom to respect this and not get offended during this time, but to continue to provide aftercare.

4.  Rape play is more than just fantasy

Many BDSM players may use the terms rape play and consensual non-consent interchangeably, but they are not the same thing.  Rape play is just one small aspect of it.  Even those in a vanilla relationship may have that fantasy.  For some victims of past abuse though, acting it out can be very therapeutic.  To them it can be a way to relive the experience, knowing that they now have the power to make it stop.  If you are going to engage in rape play with someone, make sure limits are clearly discussed.  For example, vaginal rape may be acceptable, but anal may not be.

5.   Ideas for D/s sex and beyond

There are many ways to engage in consensual non-consent, both sexual and non-sexual. If you are in a BDSM relationship, or even if you just play part-time, here are some ideas:

  • The Dom can dress up like an actually attacker (if they wear a mask, make sure at least part of the face is visible so the sub knows it’s not a real attacker)
  • Use rope to tie up the sub and gag them during sex
  • Enforce punishments that the sub will not like
  • Engage in pain play that tests the sub’s limits

Consensual non-consent is probably one of my favorite aspects of a BDSM lifestyle.  Sex can be so much more thrilling when you didn’t say yes.  Forcing someone to do something, or being forced yourself, can be very alluring.  I hope you get to enjoy this experience too.

Keep reading:   How to Play Safely »

How do you feel about consensual non-nonconsent?  Let me know in the comments.

Exactly What to Do When You Don’t Have a Partner

Whether you’re a Dom without a sub, or a sub without a Dom, not having a partner can be a hard situation to deal with.  Seeing or reading about how happy other BDSM relationships seem to be can make you wish that you had a partner too.  Here’s your surefire plan to start taking action, and soon you’ll begin enjoying the BDSM lifestyle you always wanted.

BDSM Dom without a sub

Know you’re not alone

A recent Dom Sub Living survey found that 33% of readers are not currently playing but would like to.  That’s a lot.  So don’t feel bad if you’re new and haven’t started enjoying a BDSM lifestyle yet.  There’s actually lots of reasons why someone may not have a BDSM partner or otherwise feel lonely:

  • Just starting out and haven’t met the right person yet
  • Being in-between relationships
  • Choosing to take a break
  • Being in a vanilla relationship where your partner isn’t into BDSM
  • Being in a Dom/sub relationship but feeling like your partner isn’t living up to their role

The solution to all of these situations is the same: Don’t give up!  Don’t think you’ll never have the lifestyle you want.  Instead of worrying and stressing about how things seem to be, take action and make a plan.

Review past relationships

Now’s a good time to look back at past relationships and figure out what worked and what didn’t.  Whether they were vanilla or kinky, assessing past relationships can help you to not repeat the same mistakes twice.  A good place to start is by journaling the answers to these questions:

  1. What didn’t I get in those relationships that I needed?
  2. What role did I play in the ending of the relationships?
  3. What did I like about my past partners?
  4. What didn’t I like about my past partners?
  5. What did I do right in those relationships?
  6. What can I do differently in my next relationship?
  7. Would I want myself as a partner, and why?
  8. What do I want for myself that doesn’t involve having a partner?

These questions may be tough but it’s necessary for your growth to take the time to journal and be honest.  Reflect on your answers, make the changes, and give yourself time to heal.

Make a list

Now that you’ve worked out the issues of your past, it’s time to start looking to the future.  Make a list of all the qualities you want in your prospective partner.  This will act as a type of agreement with yourself, so you can keep your senses when your heart and hormones may convince you to settle.  Things to put in your list might be:

  • Age range
  • How long they’ve been in the BDSM Lifestyle
  • View towards a polyamorous relationship
  • Their feelings about pain play, punishments, and training
  • Physical attributes
  • What they’re willing to do sexually
  • Personality qualities
  • Any “deal-breakers”

You could even make a list of questions to ask your new perspective Dom or sub.  Stand firm for your needs and values, and don’t accept anything less.  You deserve it.

Keep yourself prepared

This is the perfect time to get yourself ready for your future partner.  What does this mean?  First of all, make sure you already have the basics out of the way.  Write up a contract between you and your perspective partner.  Make sure you know your limits before you enter a relationship, even a short-term one.  I believe a true Dominant or submissive is who they are at all times, even when they have no partner, a vanilla partner, or a BDSM partner who isn’t fulfilling their role.  So work on improving yourself now.  You can read more about the two roles here:

The Ultimate Guide to Being a Dominant »

The Ultimate Guide to Being a Submissive »

Remember, right now you are your future partner’s Dom or sub.

When you’re ready to find a partner

Only after you’ve given yourself time and have considered everything above should you begin to think of getting a new partner.  I know it can be a real struggle to find a legitimate Dom or sub.  That’s why in Lesson 3 of my training course I share the exact process in detail to find a genuine, long-term partner.  It’s worked for hundreds of members.

Not having a partner, or having a partner who’s not giving you what you need out of BDSM, can be a frustrating situation.  So use this as an opportunity for self-reflection and a chance to better yourself.  Focus on doing what you can, and the time will pass much more quickly.  I have confidence that if you do these things, soon you will attract the type of partner that you deserve.  🖤

Keep reading: How to go from vanilla to kink »

What are your thoughts on being partnerless?  Let me know in the comments.

10 Ways to Have Better Aftercare

d/s instructions definition kink aftercare sub drop kit sub

During a BDSM scene or play session participants can experience a huge endorphin rush.  Intense pleasure or pain can cause a strong “high”, and it can be a shock when it is all over.  When emotions and endorphins come crashing down subdrop can occur.  Aftercare is what prevents this from happening.  It’s a way for those in a D/s relationship to calm down and slowly get back in touch with reality. If your aftercare has room for improvement, or worse, is nonexistent, then these ideas can help.

Want a free checklist to help you get the most out of aftercare?  Click the button bellow and send it to your partner too! 

1.  Cover up

This is probably one of the most simplest things a Dominant forgets to do.  During a scene a submissive’s body temperature usually increases and afterwards it drops, making the sub cold and uncomfortable.  Before a Dom relaxes he should cover up the sub with a blanket.  If the sub was completely naked they are also probably feeling exposed and vulnerable and this simple act can help them feel at ease.  Plus, after a very intense session a sub is usually too exhausted to cover themselves up.

2.  Verbal reassurance

A sub craves to be told that they are good and that they did a good job.  When their Dom says those words to them, it helps them to emotionally relax.  It’s not uncommon for a sub to have doubts and insecurities after a session.  Knowing they have their Dom’s approval gives them immense satisfaction.  If there was rape play or consensual non-consent during a scene, then it is extremely important for the Dom to be caring and calm, even saying, “I love you,” if it’s appropriate for the relationship.

3.  Cuddle

Just like a sub can be verbally reassured, they can also be physically reassured.  When a Dom holds and cuddles a sub it helps them to feel safe and protected.  Other small ways to make contact include snuggling, petting, pats on the head, and forehead kisses.  Feeling their Dom’s strong arms around them can go a long way in helping establish a sense of security in a D/s relationship.

4.  Water

After an intense scene, both parties should rehydrate.  It is the Dom’s responsibility to get his sub a glass of water to drink.  Drinking water can help prevent headaches, muscles aches, and urinary tract infections. Having two glasses of water nearby before a scene starts is a good habit to get into.

5.  Clean up

BDSM scenes can be quite dirty.  Sweat, lubes, bodily fluids, wax- they all need to be cleaned up.  The Dom can get a towel and wipe up their sub and themselves.  He can also help straighten things back up and put away any toys and other implements.  Sometimes a shower may be needed and the Dom can help wash the sub.  This can be another opportunity to reconnect.

6.  First-aid

A sub may have marks and bruises from a hard and intense kink session.  The Dom can massage limbs that were tied up, and apply lotion to any other sore spots.  Some people swear by arnica cream but any lotion without menthol or alcohol is good.  My favorite to use is shea butter.  Advil (brought with the water from #4) can help prevent swelling and bruising.

7.  Stuffie

Stuffies, or stuffed toys, are another tool in providing aftercare.  Littles especially love stuffies, and having one to cuddle and recuperate with helps them cope and deal with loneliness.  A Dom should bring the stuffy to his little after a play session.  If the little doesn’t own a stuffie this is a good opportunity for the Dom to buy them one.

8.  Orgasm

This one is probably my favorite for obvious reasons.  It may be the farthest thing from their mind after a hard scene but an orgasm can help the sub calm down, and to refocus.  Being beaten and used is a very stressful thing to experience and an orgasm can help a sub release that.  Also the Dom may have already orgasmed and taking care of the sub can help them not feel neglected.

For a simple (and free!) aftercare kit checklist, just click the image below and it will be emailed to you instantly.

9.  Discuss and recap

After all the previous steps have been taken, it’s good for a D/s relationship if both individuals discuss a scene after it’s over.  Doing all the relevant previous steps ensures that they are both calm and relaxed and can talk freely and openly.  This is a good time to figure out what went great, and what you’d like to try next time.

10.  Check-in the next day

Even if you’re married or in a long-term D/s relationship, next day communication is really important.  Subdrop can occur even days after a play session, so even a simple text or phone call can mean a lot.  Journaling can also help a sub to express their emotions productively, and the Dom can even assign a specific writing assignment based on the play session.  Get a FREE printable journal here »

A successful D/s relationship depends not just on hardcore scenes, but also on well planned aftercare.  As you can see, there are so many different ways to ensure that this happens.  Communicate what you need and want afterwards, and the play sessions are sure to keep getting better and better.  🖤

What’s your favorite aftercare technique?  Let me know in the comments.

Keep reading:  How to go from vanilla to BDSM »

The Ultimate Guide to Being a Submissive

Submissive girl collar sub woman

Serving a Dominant is a very fulfilling lifestyle.  However, many submissive beginners are lost.  They don’t know what the role entails.  Many times they are just looking for someone to fix them, to make them feel more complete.  In all honesty though, being a sub is a lot of work, mentally, emotionally, and sexually.  How can they successfully meet the challenge?  Let’s consider what it truly means to be a good sub.

I have a FREE cheatsheet for you to help put these ideas into practice! Click the button below to get it right now.

What a submissive isn’t

First and foremost, a sub is not a doormat.  They have feelings and needs and so they shouldn’t serve apathetically or reluctantly.  A real Dom wouldn’t want a doormat anyway.  They want someone who truly desires to be owned.

Being a sub also isn’t consenting to being abused.  Unlike BDSM, abuse has no limits or safewords.  If you are a sub, be very careful not to give your submission to just anyone.  True submission has to be earned first.  There are many bad Doms out there, and even predators pretending to be Doms.

What is a sub?

The definition of a submissive is an obedient, compliant person who likes to give up control.  They crave being used and need to serve.  They are the subservient partner of a relationship and that is why “sub” is always spelled with a lowercase while “Dom” is always capital.  A submissive can take on many different roles such as:

They strive to please their Dom in all things, not just sexually.  This means that they may have to give up some of their own personal freedoms and preferences.

It is not uncommon for a sub to have a mild and quiet personality. They are obedient, and accept discipline when needed.  Subs aim to conduct themselves  in a respectful and modest manner at all times, recognizing that their behavior is a direct reflection on their Dom.

Challenges to being submissive

Subs are not perfect; they will mess up from time to time.  There’s also the fact that in a 24/7 relationship there are stressors like full-time jobs and children.  It can be hard to work on behavior modification and serving someone else when you are tired and pressed for time.

Also a test to many is being obedient even when not in the presence of their Dom.

One challenge I have had to overcome as a submissive is topping from the bottom.  In the beginning I would rebel a little, or try to subtly undermine my Dom’s decisions.  I’ve learned that instead the best and simplest response I can give is, “Yes, Daddy.”  In the end it makes both of our lives so much easier.

How to be more submissive

A sub should always remember that they should be making their Dom’s life easier, not harder.  Proactively thinking what the Dom  needs in any given moment, and fulfilling it will bring him great pleasure.

One of the greatest ways a sub can do this is sexually of course, and so submitting to any requested act within one’s contract is a must.  They should also try to obey rules to the best of their ability, but if discipline is necessary they should take it willingly.

Wearing a collar, even a discreet one in public, can help keep a sub in the slave mindset.  They are property owned by someone else, and as such they are a representation of their Dom.  This will cause a sub to take great pride in the health and presentation of their bodies.  Ways they can do this are:

  • Getting sufficient sleep
  • Exercising regularly
  • Eating a healthy diet
  • Dressing properly
  • Having good hygiene and grooming

True submission is not just a role, it is a way of life.  Being a submissive means they are held to a higher standard, but it is all worth it.  They will receive the ultimate gift of a Dom’s complete approval.  ♥

What challenges have you or your partner faced with being a sub? Let me know in the comments.

Keep reading:  The Ultimate Guide to Being a Dominant »

The Ultimate Guide to Being a Dominant

In the BDSM world, “Dominant” is a word that’s thrown around a lot.  Being a Dom can seem very appealing.  Most are men who want to be more dominant sexually in bed, but also in their relationships, and even in life in general.  Unfortunately, there are a lot of fake Doms out there.  How can you make sure you’re not acting like one?  Or if you’re a submissive, what should you look for in a Dom?  Let’s consider what it truly means to be a real Dom.

Sexually dominant dom man

What a Dominant isn’t

To start, let’s focus on some of the warning signs of a bad or fake dom.  If they focus more on what they are getting than what they are giving that is a huge clue.  Of course the nature of a Dom can be somewhat selfish but they should always make sure that the sub is satisfied not just sexually, but emotionally and physically too.  Many new Doms latch onto the idea of getting sucked whenever they want, even in the beginning of new relationships.  But just like any relationship, trust needs to be earned.  A fake dom may say things like, “You’re not really a sub,” or, “A good sub would do XYZ.”  If you’re a sub, don’t fall for it.  And if you’re a Dom, don’t say things like that unless the sub consents to being talked to that way.  Real emotional harm can be done.

What is a Dom?

The definition of a Dominant is an important, powerful person who likes to be in charge.  They crave obedience and need to be in control.  They tend to be the “Alpha Male,” and that is why “Dom” is always spelled with a capital while “sub” is always lowercase.  A Dominant can take on many different roles such as:

They strive to exercise control in all things, not just over their sub sexually.  This means that they have order in their own personal lives.  It is not uncommon for a Dom to have an obsessive-compulsive personality. They take great pride in the health of their bodies, their homes, vehicles, and jobs, knowing these all reflect on them. The Dom takes responsibility for the wellbeing and the proper training, guidance, and discipline of their sub.  The Dom also maintains a stable and safe environment in which their sub may perform their duties in service of the Dom.

Challenges to being Dominant

Doms are not perfect; they will mess up from time to time.  They can still apologize without appearing weak by just admitting what they did wrong and what they will do to fix it.  Doms shouldn’t lose their temper.  They can get mad and angry but they should always strive to be in control.  Another challenge a Dom may face is going against society’s rules of being kind and gentle towards women.  They’re supposed to be the “nice guy.”  Many men find it hard to be assertive in bed because of this.  They may feel guilty always taking, but a Dom needs to remember that subs want and need to be used sexually.  That doesn’t mean that a Dom can’t be giving in bed, but just being more assertive in that part of the relationship will help them fulfill their role.  Ways a Dom can do this are:

  • Holding their sub down during sex
  • Tying up their sub in bed so they are restrained
  • Telling their sub what to do sexually instead of asking
  • Delaying their sub’s orgasm to show they are in control of it

One challenge my Daddy said he had to overcome was being afraid he was being too strict and hard on me with punishments.  To be honest I don’t think he’s ever gone too far.  I know that if I ever did feel that way that is what safewords and my journal are for.  If anything, I think I get off too easily sometimes.

How to be more Dominant

A Dom’s body language and speech need to be powerful and in control. They should also look the part.  They don’t have to be a Christian Grey, but they should be fit, have good hygiene, be well dressed, and not sloppy. Doms should have good posture and stand tall, being above the sub, often making them sit below them or kneel.  A Dom should also talk confidently and be direct.  They wouldn’t ask, “Where would you like to go to dinner?”  They would say, “I’m taking you out to dinner.  Pick a place.”  One of my favorite things my Daddy does is tell me to make him coffee.  When we were vanilla he would ask me, “Do you think you can make me coffee please?”  Now he just tells me to do it and it always puts a smile on my face to perform this simple task for him.

How does a Dom train a sub?

Training a sub is a lot of work and not to be taken lightly.  It is a very rewarding process though. When a Dom trains a sub they are molding them to be a better version of themselves.  Behavior modification is achieved through maintaining structure and order.  Subs thrive on a set routine and rules and protocols can help a Dom provide that.  The sub should keep a journal so the Dom can get inside their head.  Punishments are usually necessary to help guide and correct them.  It takes constant effort, but It is a beautiful thing when the sub becomes exactly what the Dom desires.

True Dominance is not just a role, it is a way of life.  Being a Dominant means they are held to a higher standard, but it is all worth it.  They will receive the ultimate gift of a sub’s willing submission.  ♥

What challenges have you or your partner faced with being a Dom? Let me know in the comments.

Keep Reading:  The Ultimate Guide to Being a Submissive »

Brazilian Wax Tips for Daddy’s Little Girl

One of the best ways to get that “Little Girl” look and feel is to get a Brazilian wax.  In the past I would shave pretty regularly but it wasn’t fun.  It would get irritated and only last about two days.  On a whim I decided to get a Brazilian for a vacation and I was hooked.  My Daddy and I hadn’t entered our BDSM relationship yet so I would only do it when I wanted to, and I would leave a little triangle. But after we became Dom/sub he would have me get it regularly waxed and even told me to get it completely done. I was a little scared with taking off the last bit of hair I had left, but it is so much easier and looks and feels amazing.

BRAZILIAN BIKINI WAX

European Wax Center is my go to place to get completely bare ever since it has become standard protocol. Maybe you’ve never had a Brazilian wax, or even a bikini wax for that matter, and you don’t know what to expect. But I’m here to guide you through it so you can become a Brazilian pro.

Scroll down for 12 tips and tricks to keep you smooth for a long time.

European Wax Center Brazilian Review:

EWC is a great place to have a Brazilian Wax. It’s never fun, but at least here they do it quick and relatively painless. They use “hard” wax as opposed to strips. The wax will cool and harden and will be ripped off.  I’m not going to lie, the only way it can be described is to imagine ripping duct tape off that area. Surprisingly though you get used to it, and the more frequently you get waxed the less it hurts

For me the most painful part is the lips. The least painful part: the butt, which they will do with you holding your knees and spreading your feet apart. Most Brazilian virgins fear the butt. However, for me it’s always such a relief when my waxer finally tells me to put my legs up.

She may go in with tweezers and get the stray hairs, you may have to do this later at home too (Usually my Daddy likes to do it for me). She’ll then rub a calming lotion over everything and tell you you’re done. Always take a look at the area before you get off the table, and even check in their full length mirror on the wall. Never hesitate to ask them to wax areas they missed, or straighten up the triangle or strip. You payed good money and you did not go through all that pain to not have it completely perfect.

How Long It Lasts:

For me I usually go every three weeks. But that doesn’t mean you are bald for three weeks. I could go swimming in public comfortably for probably only the first two weeks, which is better than the usual two days I’d get with shaving. When it grows back in a little you’ll look like you’re beginning to hit puberty again and the hair will be so soft and light.  My Daddy loves it, and it turns him on to know I’m getting hot wax rubbed onto my intimate areas and forcibly ripped off.

If you’ve never done it try it at least once because I’m sure you’ll love it.  If it’s not for you it can always become a hard limit.  You will notice EVERYTHING feels different after your wax though: peeing, showering, sex… you will feel like a slip-n-slide! I orgasm a lot faster and have more frequent and easier multiples too.  Even if you don’t have a partner yet, I’m sure you’ll still really love it.

Brazilian Wax Tips and Tricks

Before:

  • Even if you go to EWC, check “Yelp” to find the name of a good waxer.
  • If you’re getting waxed for vacation, two days before is good so any redness will be gone.
  • Schedule your wax between 3-5 PM. Research shows your pain tolerance is better in the afternoon.  (This is good to know for BDSM punishments too.)
  • The morning of your wax, shower, and lightly scrub the area with a product like St. Ives Apricot Scrub.
St. Ives Apricot Scrub
St. Ives Apricot Scrub
  • 45 minutes before your appointment, take two Advil.
  • Wear comfortable clothes and underwear.

During:

  • Breathe, talk if it helps, ask the waxer to stop if the wax is too hot or if you need to take a break.
  • Before you get off the table/put your clothes on, check the area to see if they missed anything.

After:

  • At home, pluck any strays with tweezers (this is a good job for the Dom).
Tweezerman Slant Tweezers
Tweezerman Slant Tweezers
  • Immediately apply a salicylic acid lotion.  I love Paula’s Choice BHA Body Lotion.  Apply it once a day for the next two days.
Paula's Choice RESIST Weightless Body Treatment 2% BHA
Paula’s Choice RESIST Weightless Body Treatment 2% BHA
  • The next day shower and shave the parts they didn’t wax: lower stomach, thighs. Again, Paula’s Choice makes a great shave cream.
Paula's Choice PC4MEN Shave Cream
Paula’s Choice PC4MEN Shave Cream
  • 24-48 hours after the wax: no exercising, hot tubs, or sex.  After that, enjoy and schedule your next wax!  🖤
What are your thoughts on the Brazilian Wax? Do you have any tips not listed here?  Let us know in the comments.

Read more about the DaddyDom/Little Girl role »

BDSM + Kink Tips