One of the questions I get asked the most is, “How do I go from vanilla to BDSM?” (Vanilla means plain, normal, or boring.) Usually the person who asks is already in a relationship, and wants to start incorporating kink. It can be hard when you are already married or dating and you want to switch to a Dominant/submissive lifestyle (D/s). It is possible though to make the change (my husband and I are proof). Here is how to make your kinky journey successful. Be sure to learn the BDSM essentials first by clicking here.
Start by communicating
One of the awesome things about a D/s lifestyle is that there is usually a whole lot more communication than a vanilla one. Start by telling your partner what you already like about your relationship. Then you can begin to tell them things you want to maybe try or are just curious about. Ask them what their kinky fantasies are. This may take a few tries so keep things positive and be patient. Saying the word “BDSM” may scare them off so maybe just talk about the aspects of it you like. This can be things like bondage, spanking, and control. Sometimes a person has to get comfortable just talking about things before they feel they can start doing them in real life. Read articles on domsubliving.com together and keep your conversations light and fun.
Make a kink contract
Contracts don’t have to be for hardcore D/s couples. Experts say that talking about sex openly and writing it down in a contract is good for even vanilla relationships. If you need somewhere to start, download a free template here. Contracts can include roles and what those involve (even if it’s just that the man is the husband/boyfriend and the woman is the wife/girlfriend). Other things to cover are limits (the kinky things you or your partner won’t do), safewords, rituals, and if/what discipline is acceptable. Don’t be embarrassed or take yourself too seriously. Have fun discussing your contract and check in regularly to see if it’s working or to renegotiate.
When things don’t go as you hoped
Whether you’re vanilla or practicing BDSM, you shouldn’t expect perfection from your partner. Resentment builds when one person starts to feel like the other isn’t fulfilling their role. In D/s this could be the Dom feeling his sub isn’t being submissive enough, or the sub feeling her Dom isn’t being dominant enough. What should you do when this happens? As always: communicate. If talking about it makes you feel uncomfortable or you’re hitting a brick wall, a journal can be a safe place to express your feelings freely. Journaling is great for any relationship, vanilla or kinky. You can download a free journal here which includes prompts to help you start.
Make the switch from vanilla safely
You may be tempted to jump right into a kinky lifestyle but start slow. In the BDSM community “Safe, Sane, and Consensual” is extremely important. If not practiced correctly, a D/s relationship can be dangerous, both physically and emotionally. However, when it is enjoyed in a healthy way it can be extremely fulfilling. I hope with these suggestions all who want to can go from vanilla to BDSM and kink successfully. 🖤