How to Punish a Sub Effectively

Dom with BDSM belt

Every Dominant/submissive relationship has to have punishments. After all, the “D” in BDSM stands for discipline, and no sub is perfect.  Correction is needed from time to time when they break the rules.  But many Doms struggle with knowing how to punish effectively.  And Subs can feel neglected when it isn’t done in the proper way.  Here are some things to keep in mind for a punishment to be successful, and don’t forget to download your free master list here.

Punishments Need to Have a Reason

The main goal of any punishment is so the sub will learn from it.  The Dom disciplines to discourage unacceptable conduct, and to ensure that the sub fully appreciates their role.  A sub should always know why they are being punished.  In fact, it is good etiquette to say beforehand, “You are being punished because…” or to ask, “Why are you being punished?”  This keeps the focus on the behavior that needs to change. That way the sub doesn’t feel like it’s themselves that the Dom doesn’t like.  Punishments for littles can be for things a real Daddy would punish for: not cleaning their room, spending too much time on their phone, etc.

The Punishment Should Fit the Crime

Failure to comply with any rules should always result in some sort of punsishment. The harshness should be determined by the severity of the misdeed.  For example, if a sub waits 15 minutes to respond to a Dom’s texts, an intense paddling would probably be too much.  For softer punishments my Dom likes to make me remove my panties for the day, or have me wear Ben Wa Balls. (These punishments also work for long distance d/s relationships) On the other hand, if a sub has committed a major offense, corporal punishment will probably be required.  Quite a few times I have made my Dom mad enough to make him spank me so long and hard that I’ve bawled into my pillow.

Don’t Go Too Soft

There is nothing worse than expecting a hard punishment and getting off with “a slap on the wrist”, or worse: no punishment at all.  Some subs perform best when they are disciplined at least daily, others every other day, or even once a week.  Look for patterns.  If a sub seems to stop trying so hard to please their Dom then a good punishment is probably in order.  Again, we are all imperfect human beings and there is always some correction in behavior that can be found.

Many Doms who are new to BDSM may hold back, fearing they are going too far, especially if a sub starts crying.  But that is where trust in the safewords comes in.  If it gets too painful, physically, emotionally, or mentally, a sub has the right to safeword.  One way to gauge how painful a punishmetnt is can be to make the sub count each time they are hit.  My Dom usually will spank me five times, making me count after each one so he can tell in my voice if he is going too hard or soft.  Another idea is to have the sub recite a phrase after each hit, like, “I am Daddy’s little girl.”

Timing is Crucial

Usually a sub knows when they screw up, and they dread the after-effects of displeasing their Dom. If the Dom completely forgets to punish or even puts it off it is less affective.  Sometimes a little bit of time can grow the anticipation and force the sub to mediate on what they did, but generally punishments should happen by the end of the day.  If it’s a long distance d/s relationship, and you want to know how to punish a sub over text, still keep in mind the timing when administering discipline.  Anything later than a day misses the goal of teaching the sub so they will learn to never do it again.  It is like waiting too long after your dog has an accident to rub their nose in it.  Subs need to see that their Doms care enough about the relationship to take the time to discipline them.

BDSM Punishment Ideas

It needs to be emphasized that the subject of discipline should always be discussed beforehand to keep things consensual and safe.  A written contract can list the types of punishments that are acceptable, and the severity that is agreed on.

  • Spanking-  My favorite I love to hate.  Usually done on the bed without clothes on.  Using the Dom’s bare hand has the advantage of keeping the physical connection between both parties.  It also prevents him from doing serious damage because he will have the pain in his hand as a gauge.
  • Paddling-  Administered like a spanking but uses an object like an actual paddle, ruler, hair brush, etc.
  • Whipping-  Belts can do serious damage so this is better when done lightly.
  • Biting-  Usually done during a sexual encounter when a sub displeases the Dom.
  • Delayed orgasm-  Either for a minute or a day, to remind a sub that their Dom has the power over their sexual fullillment.
  • Brazilian wax-  Making a sub get this done will only work if they don’t currently enjoy doing this.
  • Get your free master list with 30+ more ways

So there you have it: the basics of BDSM punishments. Keep these suggestions in mind and your d/s relationship will continue to evolve and bring greater fullillment.  🖤

What are your thoughts on disciplline?  Share your ideas for punishment in the comments.

Keep reading: How to keep things safe »

3 Signs of Topping from the Bottom

In BDSM the phrase “Topping from the Bottom” describes when a submissive starts to become more of the dominant in the relationship.  It sometimes happens subconsciously but can also be done on purpose.  It’s a lot like using reverse psychology, and can turn the tables of control without the Dominant realizing it.  Usually the subs are the most to blame for this manipulation, but the Dom is equally at fault when he allows it to happen.  I admit that I have topped from the bottom before, and it can be a hard habit to break.  Here are three signs of topping from the bottom, and what both parties can do to fix it.

Topping from the bottom

1.  Being a constant brat

Now some Doms like their sub a little bratty every once in awhile.  There’s nothing wrong with that.  It can keep things interesting.  Where it becomes a problem is when a sub is routinely a brat, using the behavior to lash out.  Instead of a way to be more playful, it becomes the main way to receive attention and to get what they need.  Needless to say it can irritate and Dom and make him want to give up.

What the sub can do:

If you genuinely want more attention or feel that your needs aren’t getting met, speak up!  As long as it’s done respectfully there is nothing wrong we communicating what you want.  For example, I’ve acted out before after a hard day just to get in trouble.  I know this will get me that stress-relieving spanking I so desperately need.  I’ve learned though that it’s so much better to say,  “Daddy, I’ve had a hard day.  Can you please spank me?”  It makes him happy and so much more aware of my feelings.  And the next time he sees me stressed he knows exactly what I need.  If you’re not comfortable speaking up, you can also write your feelings in a journal that your Dom can read.

What the Dom can do:

When you catch your sub being bratty try to figure out if they’re just acting out for attention.  Instead of just immediately turning to discipline, ask your sub what’s really going on.  If you sense they’re upset give them permission to talk.  Encourage them to maybe use an “I statement”, a phrase where they say, “I feel X when you do Y, and I’d rather you do Z.”  Also, having your sub kneel while you talk to them about their unacceptable bratty behavior can put them back in their place.

2.  Safewording… a lot

Let me start off by saying that there is nothing wrong with using safewords.  They are a sacred part of BDSM, and are there to make sure everything stays safe, sane, and consensual.  A sub should never feel guilty when she uses them legitimately.  The problem arises when it becomes a way to get out of something they just don’t want to do.  It can become the vanilla equivalent of saying they have a headache.  Besides sexual requests they may use a safeword when a situation becomes too emotionally difficult and they just want a break.  The sub becomes the one in control when they safeword because they don’t WANT to do something, not that they CAN’T do something.

What the sub can do:

Before you safeword, ask yourself if you’re just trying to avoid doing something.  If you were to meet your Dom’s demands would it really incur physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, or other harm?  If not, safewording in that instance would be dishonest and could lead to a break in trust.  Remember that topping from the bottom in this way isn’t playing fair.

What the Dom can do:

If your sub safewords, remember that it means they are close to their limit of endurance, or they cannot tolerate any further demands.  Always respect their safeword even if you believe it isn’t genuine.  Your actions should cease completely with immediate effect.  Afterwards, if you do believe the safeword was used casually, tell your sub.  Remind them of the real purpose of BDSM safewords and that misusing them will break your trust.  This firm lecture will probably be enough to put them back in their place.

 

3.  Saying, “Well, actually I think…”

When a Dom makes a decision it should stand.  A sub from time to time can voice their opinion respectfully when necessary.  But routinely getting a Dom to change their mind will only  hurt the relationship.  This can happen in many different areas.  The Dom may want to have sex in a certain position, but the sub suggests another one instead.  Or he says they’re going to eat at a particular restaurant, but she says she’d rather go to a different one. When this happens and the Dom gives in, it shifts the control in the relationship.

What the sub can do:

When your Dom makes a decision, don’t undermine it.  Even if it’s not what you were wanting that doesn’t matter.  Your role is to please your Dom.  If it’s something you really disagree with you can let them know respectfully.  Another option is to ask them afterwards if next time you can do your choice.  Remember:  you are in a BDSM relationship, and he is your Dominant.  Topping from the bottom will only erode that.

What the Dom can do:

When your sub says, “Well, actually I think…” listen to their suggestion, but then let them know that you are the Dom and you make the decisions.  When they do go along with what you want make sure to give them praise.  It is OK to give your sub choices every once in awhile, but do not make it a habit of yielding to them.

Remember that regularly topping from the bottom is bringing manipulation into a BDSM relationship.  Stay focused in your role as a Dom or a sub, and the power and control will remain healthy.

What is your experience of topping from the bottom? Share your thoughts in the comments.  🖤

Learn more ways to bring back control  »

Daddy’s Little Girl-Exploring Ageplay

One of the most popular BDSM relationships is the DaddyDom/little girl dynamic (DD/lg).  For some it can just be something they role-play with, but for others like myself it is their identity.  There are many benefits to ageplay for both the Dominant and Submissive.

BDSM Daddy's Little girl

What exactly is BDSM ageplay?

It involves treating the Sub like they are a certain age, usually younger, anywhere from toddler to teenager.  In turn the sub treats their Dom like their Daddy.  He takes on the paternal role of protector and caregiver, and administers discipline when needed.  The sub becomes his “Little” and relies on him emotionally, financially, and sexually.

Ageplay is NOT pedophilia.  Pedophillia is having sexual feelings towards children, and a sub is a consenting adult.  A DaddyDom wants to be with HIS little girl, not little girls in general.

Why is the DD/lg relationship so fulfilling?

It satisfies both individuals on many levels:

The DaddyDom

Men are naturally attracted to youth and innocence and having a Little meets that need continuously. They will also have someone rely and dote on them, and counting on them to “fix it” when things get hard.  Littles are constantly seeking the praise and attention of their Daddy and will do their best to please him.  A DD also gets the satisfaction of disciplining his Baby Girl when she misbehaves in any way he desires.  And she will come to him with her sexual needs as he knows how best to please her.

The Little

In a symbiotic way, what makes the Daddy happy fullfills the Little’s needs and vice versa.  She will be made to feel eternally youthful and beautiful, and he will spoil her and cherish her.  Subs that choose this relationship are usually relatively fragile emotionally, and having a supportive, paternal figure is very soothing.  Being told you’re a “good girl” makes a sub feel extremely content.  Knowing they make their Daddy happy gives them immense reassurance.

How to incorporate ageplay

Dress the part

The DaddyDom ultimately chooses what his little girl wears but short skirts, shorts, having hair in braids/pigtails is usual protocol.  School girl outfits are very popular, and Brazilian waxes give the look and feel of a little girl.

Talk the talk

Littles should refer to their Dom as Daddy, and always ask them for permission, just like a dependent child would.  DDs need to call their Littles by appropriate names like Baby Girl, and conversations and lectures are more enjoyable when she’s told to sit on his lap.

Embrace the role

DD/lg revolves around wanting to please and fearing disapproval so rewards and punishments are vital.  Even little pats on the head mean a lot, and spankings are a must.  Keeping the attitude of “Daddy knows best” will deepen intimacy.  Also age appropriate activities like coloring and keeping a journal can  help a sub feel more “little.”

Ageplay can become the basis for a healthy BDSM relationship, and bring even more happiness to both the Dom and his sub.  🖤

Are you a Daddy or a Little? What are your reasons for the relationship? Let us know in the comments.

Read how to enhance the DD/lg dynamic »

Brazilian Wax Tips for Daddy’s Little Girl

One of the best ways to get that “Little Girl” look and feel is to get a Brazilian wax.  In the past I would shave pretty regularly but it wasn’t fun.  It would get irritated and only last about two days.  On a whim I decided to get a Brazilian for a vacation and I was hooked.  My Daddy and I hadn’t entered our BDSM relationship yet so I would only do it when I wanted to, and I would leave a little triangle. But after we became Dom/sub he would have me get it regularly waxed and even told me to get it completely done. I was a little scared with taking off the last bit of hair I had left, but it is so much easier and looks and feels amazing.

BRAZILIAN BIKINI WAX

European Wax Center is my go to place to get completely bare ever since it has become standard protocol. Maybe you’ve never had a Brazilian wax, or even a bikini wax for that matter, and you don’t know what to expect. But I’m here to guide you through it so you can become a Brazilian pro.

Scroll down for 12 tips and tricks to keep you smooth for a long time.

European Wax Center Brazilian Review:

EWC is a great place to have a Brazilian Wax. It’s never fun, but at least here they do it quick and relatively painless. They use “hard” wax as opposed to strips. The wax will cool and harden and will be ripped off.  I’m not going to lie, the only way it can be described is to imagine ripping duct tape off that area. Surprisingly though you get used to it, and the more frequently you get waxed the less it hurts

For me the most painful part is the lips. The least painful part: the butt, which they will do with you holding your knees and spreading your feet apart. Most Brazilian virgins fear the butt. However, for me it’s always such a relief when my waxer finally tells me to put my legs up.

She may go in with tweezers and get the stray hairs, you may have to do this later at home too (Usually my Daddy likes to do it for me). She’ll then rub a calming lotion over everything and tell you you’re done. Always take a look at the area before you get off the table, and even check in their full length mirror on the wall. Never hesitate to ask them to wax areas they missed, or straighten up the triangle or strip. You payed good money and you did not go through all that pain to not have it completely perfect.

How Long It Lasts:

For me I usually go every three weeks. But that doesn’t mean you are bald for three weeks. I could go swimming in public comfortably for probably only the first two weeks, which is better than the usual two days I’d get with shaving. When it grows back in a little you’ll look like you’re beginning to hit puberty again and the hair will be so soft and light.  My Daddy loves it, and it turns him on to know I’m getting hot wax rubbed onto my intimate areas and forcibly ripped off.

If you’ve never done it try it at least once because I’m sure you’ll love it.  If it’s not for you it can always become a hard limit.  You will notice EVERYTHING feels different after your wax though: peeing, showering, sex… you will feel like a slip-n-slide! I orgasm a lot faster and have more frequent and easier multiples too.  Even if you don’t have a partner yet, I’m sure you’ll still really love it.

Brazilian Wax Tips and Tricks

Before:

  • Even if you go to EWC, check “Yelp” to find the name of a good waxer.
  • If you’re getting waxed for vacation, two days before is good so any redness will be gone.
  • Schedule your wax between 3-5 PM. Research shows your pain tolerance is better in the afternoon.  (This is good to know for BDSM punishments too.)
  • The morning of your wax, shower, and lightly scrub the area with a product like St. Ives Apricot Scrub.
St. Ives Apricot Scrub
St. Ives Apricot Scrub
  • 45 minutes before your appointment, take two Advil.
  • Wear comfortable clothes and underwear.

During:

  • Breathe, talk if it helps, ask the waxer to stop if the wax is too hot or if you need to take a break.
  • Before you get off the table/put your clothes on, check the area to see if they missed anything.

After:

  • At home, pluck any strays with tweezers (this is a good job for the Dom).
Tweezerman Slant Tweezers
Tweezerman Slant Tweezers
  • Immediately apply a salicylic acid lotion.  I love Paula’s Choice BHA Body Lotion.  Apply it once a day for the next two days.
Paula's Choice RESIST Weightless Body Treatment 2% BHA
Paula’s Choice RESIST Weightless Body Treatment 2% BHA
  • The next day shower and shave the parts they didn’t wax: lower stomach, thighs. Again, Paula’s Choice makes a great shave cream.
Paula's Choice PC4MEN Shave Cream
Paula’s Choice PC4MEN Shave Cream
  • 24-48 hours after the wax: no exercising, hot tubs, or sex.  After that, enjoy and schedule your next wax!  🖤
What are your thoughts on the Brazilian Wax? Do you have any tips not listed here?  Let us know in the comments.

Read more about the DaddyDom/Little Girl role »

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