How to go from Vanilla to BDSM and Kink

One of the questions I get asked the most is, “How do I go from vanilla to BDSM?” (Vanilla means plain, normal, or boring.) Usually the person who asks is already in a relationship, and wants to start incorporating kink. It can be hard when you are already married or dating and you want to switch to a Dominant/submissive lifestyle (D/s). It is possible though to make the change (my husband and I are proof).  Here is how to make your kinky journey successful.  Be sure to learn the BDSM essentials first by clicking here.

BDSM vanilla kink switch kinky d/s start

Start by communicating

One of the awesome things about a D/s lifestyle is that there is usually a whole lot more communication than a vanilla one.  Start by telling your partner what you already like about your relationship.  Then you can begin to tell them things you want to maybe try or are just curious about.  Ask them what their kinky fantasies are.  This may take a few tries so keep things positive and be patient.  Saying the word “BDSM” may scare them off so maybe just talk about the aspects of it you like.  This can be things like bondage, spanking, and control.  Sometimes a person has to get comfortable just talking about things before they feel they can start doing them in real life.  Read articles on domsubliving.com together and keep your conversations light and fun.

Make a kink contract

Contracts don’t have to be for hardcore D/s couples.  Experts say that talking about sex openly and writing it down in a contract is good for even vanilla relationships.  If you need somewhere to start, download a free template here.  Contracts can include roles and what those involve (even if it’s just that the man is the husband/boyfriend and the woman is the wife/girlfriend).  Other things to cover are limits (the kinky things you or your partner won’t do), safewords, rituals, and if/what discipline is acceptable.  Don’t be embarrassed or take yourself too seriously.  Have fun discussing your contract and check in regularly to see if it’s working or to renegotiate.

When things don’t go as you hoped

Whether you’re vanilla or practicing BDSM, you shouldn’t expect perfection from your partner.  Resentment builds when one person starts to feel like the other isn’t fulfilling their role.  In D/s this could be the Dom feeling his sub isn’t being submissive enough, or the sub feeling her Dom isn’t being dominant enough.  What should you do when this happens? As always: communicate.  If talking about it makes you feel uncomfortable or you’re hitting a brick wall, a journal can be a safe place to express your feelings freely.  Journaling is great for any relationship, vanilla or kinky.  You can download a free journal here which includes prompts to help you start.

Make the switch from vanilla safely

You may be tempted to jump right into a kinky lifestyle but start slow.  In the BDSM community “Safe, Sane, and Consensual” is extremely important.  If not practiced correctly, a D/s relationship can be dangerous, both physically and emotionally.  However, when it is enjoyed in a healthy way it can be extremely fulfilling.  I hope with these suggestions all who want to can go from vanilla to BDSM and kink successfully.  🖤

Have you tried making the switch?  What challenges have you faced?  Let me know in the comments.

Keep reading: Creating Your Contract  »

The Ultimate Guide to Keeping a Submissive’s Journal

Submissive Journal BDSM

In the beginning of my BDSM journey, I thought keeping a journal was a very vanilla thing to do.  “Shouldn’t I just tell my Daddy all my innermost feelings and ideas?” I thought.  I didn’t think a journal would be that useful for a submissive, but my Dominant wanted me to keep one so I obeyed.  Here is what I’ve learned along the way, plus some writing prompts to get you started.  Also, make sure to download your free template here.

Why is a journal so important?

A journal is a submissive’s safe place to write down whatever they want.  In a life full of control and submission, it can be their only outlet to vent their feelings freely.  Journaling can be very therapeutic.  It also gives the Dom a glimpse into their sub’s mind so he can better understand her.  In order for this all to happen though, a sub should always feel safe to write anything in their journal without fear of being punished.  And if a sub is constantly asked, “Why did you write that?”, she’ll slowly stop writing for herself and more for pleasing her Master.  My journal has a list of rules at the beginning of it.  Here is a sample of it:

“Only the submissive can write here, unless she gives approval for the Dominant to respond in it.  All other responses of the Dom will be by email, text, or handwritten notes only.  The sub will not have to answer for anything she writes here, or be held accountable. The Dom can indirectly discuss any concerns he has but without referencing her journal.”

Journal rules and expectations can also be explained in a BDSM contract as well.

Ideas to get you started

The most traditional type of journal is a notebook, maybe kept in a sub’s nightstand where the Dom has access to it.  With technology now though there are a lot better alternatives.  I feel the best journal is a digital document that both parties share.  I keep a note on my phone entitled “Submissive’s Journal” that I have shared with my Dom.  The advantage to this is that he gets a notification on his phone as soon as I write a new entry.  That way I don’t have to wonder if he’s seen that I wrote something, and he doesn’t have to keep checking it.  You could easily do this in a Word or Pages document too.  If you are afraid someone else will accidentally read it you could also protect it with a password.  Journals can also be done online, or even as part of a blog.

Writing Prompts

Now that you know why to write and how to write, it’s time to figure out what to write. Basically a submissive can write anything they want as a reflection of what’s going on in their mind. If nothing is coming to you or you just need some fresh inspiration, here’s some examples to get you started:

  • What you like most about being a sub/slave/little.
  • The biggest challenges to being a sub/slave/little.
  • Positive things that happened during the day
  • Your favorite sexual things, or new things you want to try.
  • If you could change one thing about your current relationship what would it be
  • Read a post on domsubliving.com and journal your thoughts about it.
  • Your goals as a sub/slave/little
  • What you would tell your past-BDSM self

Of course one of the best ways to get ideas for journaling is for a sub to ask their Dom. I’m sure he would love to know his sub’s thoughts on many different subjects.

How often should a sub journal?

A submissive doesn’t have to journal every day (unless their Dom tells them to), but they should at the very least journal once a week. Journaling often can allow a sub to release their frustrations through writing, and it can keep them from acting out or behaving bratty.  It can catch and fix problems early. A sub shouldn’t only journal when they are upset and need to vent though. It’s also good for them to record positive things, so both the sub and the Dom can look back on their relationship with confidence.

A word for the Dom:

It is extremely important that your sub should always feel comfortable writing in their journal. It may be their only safe place they are allowed to vent, “cry”, or “scream”. If your sub senses that you are judging them because of what they write, they may begin to censor their entries. Even if your sub writes, “I hate my Dom,” resist the urge to ask why they wrote it. Remember, children and teenagers will often journal rebelliously, so your little is just expressing normal behaviors. Instead of confronting your sub, ask them later how they are feeling and if there is anything they think needs improvement. 

A well-used journal is a sign of a sub who feels comfortable and safe. Writing often is not only good for sub, but will help the Dom better understand the needs of the BDSM relationship.

How do you journal?  What are your ideas for prompts? Share in the the comments. 

Keep Reading: More ways to prevent bratty behavior »

 

How to Punish a Sub Effectively

Dom with BDSM belt

Every Dominant/submissive relationship has to have punishments. After all, the “D” in BDSM stands for discipline, and no sub is perfect.  Correction is needed from time to time when they break the rules.  But many Doms struggle with knowing how to punish effectively.  And a sub can feel neglected when it isn’t done in the proper way.

Here are some things to keep in mind for a punishment to be successful, and don’t forget to download your free master list here.

Punishments Need to Have a Reason

The main goal of any punishment is so the sub will learn from it.  The Dom disciplines to discourage unacceptable conduct, and to ensure that the sub fully appreciates their role.  A sub should always know why they are being punished.

In fact, it is good etiquette to say beforehand, “You are being punished because…” or to ask, “Why are you being punished?”  This keeps the focus on the behavior that needs to change. That way the sub doesn’t feel like it’s themselves that the Dom doesn’t like.

Punishments for littles can be for things a real Daddy would punish for: not cleaning their room, spending too much time on their phone, etc.

The Punishment Should Fit the Crime

Failure to comply with any rules should always result in some sort of punsishment. The harshness should be determined by the severity of the misdeed.  For example, if a sub waits 15 minutes to respond to a Dom’s texts, an intense paddling would probably be too much.

For softer punishments my Dom likes to make me remove my panties for the day, or have me wear Ben Wa Balls. (These punishments also work for long distance d/s relationships)

On the other hand, if a sub has committed a major offense, corporal punishment will probably be required.  Quite a few times I have made my Dom mad enough to make him spank me so long and hard that I’ve bawled into my pillow.

Don’t Go Too Soft

There is nothing worse than expecting a hard punishment and getting off with “a slap on the wrist”, or worse: no punishment at all.  Some subs perform best when they are disciplined at least daily, others every other day, or even once a week.

Look for patterns.  If a sub seems to stop trying so hard to please their Dom then a good punishment is probably in order.  Again, we are all imperfect human beings and there is always some correction in behavior that can be found.

Many Doms who are new to BDSM may hold back, fearing they are going too far, especially if a sub starts crying.  But that is where trust in the safewords comes in.  If it gets too painful, physically, emotionally, or mentally, a sub has the right to safeword.

One way to gauge how painful a punishmetnt is can be to make the sub count each time they are hit.  My Dom usually will spank me five times, making me count after each one so he can tell in my voice if he is going too hard or soft.  Another idea is to have the sub recite a phrase after each hit, like, “I am Daddy’s little girl.”

Timing is Crucial

Usually a sub knows when they screw up, and they dread the after-effects of displeasing their Dom. If the Dom completely forgets to punish or even puts it off it is less affective.

Sometimes a little bit of time can grow the anticipation and force the sub to mediate on what they did, but generally punishments should happen by the end of the day.  If it’s a long distance d/s relationship, and you want to know how to punish a sub over text, still keep in mind the timing when administering discipline.

Anything later than a day misses the goal of teaching the sub so they will learn to never do it again.  It is like waiting too long after your dog has an accident to rub their nose in it.  Subs need to see that their Doms care enough about the relationship to take the time to discipline them.

BDSM Punishment Ideas

It needs to be emphasized that the subject of discipline should always be discussed beforehand to keep things consensual and safe.  A written contract can list the types of punishments that are acceptable, and the severity that is agreed on.

  • Spanking-  My favorite I love to hate.  Usually done on the bed without clothes on.  Using the Dom’s bare hand has the advantage of keeping the physical connection between both parties.  It also prevents him from doing serious damage because he will have the pain in his hand as a gauge.
  • Paddling-  Administered like a spanking but uses an object like an actual paddle, ruler, hair brush, etc.
  • Whipping-  Belts can do serious damage so this is better when done lightly.
  • Biting-  Usually done during a sexual encounter when a sub displeases the Dom.
  • Delayed orgasm-  Either for a minute or a day, to remind a sub that their Dom has the power over their sexual fullillment.
  • Brazilian wax-  Making a sub get this done will only work if they don’t currently enjoy doing this.
  • Get your free master list with 30+ more ways

So there you have it: the basics of BDSM punishments. Keep these suggestions in mind and your d/s relationship will continue to evolve and bring greater fullillment.  🖤

What are your thoughts on disciplline?  Share your ideas for punishment in the comments.

Keep reading: How to keep things safe »

Brazilian Wax Tips for Daddy’s Little Girl

One of the best ways to get that “Little Girl” look and feel is to get a Brazilian wax.  In the past I would shave pretty regularly but it wasn’t fun.  It would get irritated and only last about two days.  On a whim I decided to get a Brazilian for a vacation and I was hooked.  My Daddy and I hadn’t entered our BDSM relationship yet so I would only do it when I wanted to, and I would leave a little triangle. But after we became Dom/sub he would have me get it regularly waxed and even told me to get it completely done. I was a little scared with taking off the last bit of hair I had left, but it is so much easier and looks and feels amazing.

BRAZILIAN BIKINI WAX

European Wax Center is my go to place to get completely bare ever since it has become standard protocol. Maybe you’ve never had a Brazilian wax, or even a bikini wax for that matter, and you don’t know what to expect. But I’m here to guide you through it so you can become a Brazilian pro.

Scroll down for 12 tips and tricks to keep you smooth for a long time.

European Wax Center Brazilian Review:

EWC is a great place to have a Brazilian Wax. It’s never fun, but at least here they do it quick and relatively painless. They use “hard” wax as opposed to strips. The wax will cool and harden and will be ripped off.  I’m not going to lie, the only way it can be described is to imagine ripping duct tape off that area. Surprisingly though you get used to it, and the more frequently you get waxed the less it hurts

For me the most painful part is the lips. The least painful part: the butt, which they will do with you holding your knees and spreading your feet apart. Most Brazilian virgins fear the butt. However, for me it’s always such a relief when my waxer finally tells me to put my legs up.

She may go in with tweezers and get the stray hairs, you may have to do this later at home too (Usually my Daddy likes to do it for me). She’ll then rub a calming lotion over everything and tell you you’re done. Always take a look at the area before you get off the table, and even check in their full length mirror on the wall. Never hesitate to ask them to wax areas they missed, or straighten up the triangle or strip. You payed good money and you did not go through all that pain to not have it completely perfect.

How Long It Lasts:

For me I usually go every three weeks. But that doesn’t mean you are bald for three weeks. I could go swimming in public comfortably for probably only the first two weeks, which is better than the usual two days I’d get with shaving. When it grows back in a little you’ll look like you’re beginning to hit puberty again and the hair will be so soft and light.  My Daddy loves it, and it turns him on to know I’m getting hot wax rubbed onto my intimate areas and forcibly ripped off.

If you’ve never done it try it at least once because I’m sure you’ll love it.  If it’s not for you it can always become a hard limit.  You will notice EVERYTHING feels different after your wax though: peeing, showering, sex… you will feel like a slip-n-slide! I orgasm a lot faster and have more frequent and easier multiples too.  Even if you don’t have a partner yet, I’m sure you’ll still really love it.

Brazilian Wax Tips and Tricks

Before:

  • Even if you go to EWC, check “Yelp” to find the name of a good waxer.
  • If you’re getting waxed for vacation, two days before is good so any redness will be gone.
  • Schedule your wax between 3-5 PM. Research shows your pain tolerance is better in the afternoon.  (This is good to know for BDSM punishments too.)
  • The morning of your wax, shower, and lightly scrub the area with a product like St. Ives Apricot Scrub.
St. Ives Apricot Scrub
St. Ives Apricot Scrub
  • 45 minutes before your appointment, take two Advil.
  • Wear comfortable clothes and underwear.

During:

  • Breathe, talk if it helps, ask the waxer to stop if the wax is too hot or if you need to take a break.
  • Before you get off the table/put your clothes on, check the area to see if they missed anything.

After:

  • At home, pluck any strays with tweezers (this is a good job for the Dom).
Tweezerman Slant Tweezers
Tweezerman Slant Tweezers
  • Immediately apply a salicylic acid lotion.  I love Paula’s Choice BHA Body Lotion.  Apply it once a day for the next two days.
Paula's Choice RESIST Weightless Body Treatment 2% BHA
Paula’s Choice RESIST Weightless Body Treatment 2% BHA
  • The next day shower and shave the parts they didn’t wax: lower stomach, thighs. Again, Paula’s Choice makes a great shave cream.
Paula's Choice PC4MEN Shave Cream
Paula’s Choice PC4MEN Shave Cream
  • 24-48 hours after the wax: no exercising, hot tubs, or sex.  After that, enjoy and schedule your next wax!  🖤
What are your thoughts on the Brazilian Wax? Do you have any tips not listed here?  Let us know in the comments.

Read more about the DaddyDom/Little Girl role »