How to Punish a Sub Effectively

Dom with BDSM belt

Every Dominant/submissive relationship has to have punishments. After all, the “D” in BDSM stands for discipline, and no sub is perfect.  Correction is needed from time to time when they break the rules.  But many Doms struggle with knowing how to punish effectively.  And Subs can feel neglected when it isn’t done in the proper way.  Here are some things to keep in mind for a punishment to be successful, and don’t forget to download your free master list here.

Punishments Need to Have a Reason

The main goal of any punishment is so the sub will learn from it.  The Dom disciplines to discourage unacceptable conduct, and to ensure that the sub fully appreciates their role.  A sub should always know why they are being punished.  In fact, it is good etiquette to say beforehand, “You are being punished because…” or to ask, “Why are you being punished?”  This keeps the focus on the behavior that needs to change. That way the sub doesn’t feel like it’s themselves that the Dom doesn’t like.  Punishments for littles can be for things a real Daddy would punish for: not cleaning their room, spending too much time on their phone, etc.

The Punishment Should Fit the Crime

Failure to comply with any rules should always result in some sort of punsishment. The harshness should be determined by the severity of the misdeed.  For example, if a sub waits 15 minutes to respond to a Dom’s texts, an intense paddling would probably be too much.  For softer punishments my Dom likes to make me remove my panties for the day, or have me wear Ben Wa Balls. (These punishments also work for long distance d/s relationships) On the other hand, if a sub has committed a major offense, corporal punishment will probably be required.  Quite a few times I have made my Dom mad enough to make him spank me so long and hard that I’ve bawled into my pillow.

Don’t Go Too Soft

There is nothing worse than expecting a hard punishment and getting off with “a slap on the wrist”, or worse: no punishment at all.  Some subs perform best when they are disciplined at least daily, others every other day, or even once a week.  Look for patterns.  If a sub seems to stop trying so hard to please their Dom then a good punishment is probably in order.  Again, we are all imperfect human beings and there is always some correction in behavior that can be found.

Many Doms who are new to BDSM may hold back, fearing they are going too far, especially if a sub starts crying.  But that is where trust in the safewords comes in.  If it gets too painful, physically, emotionally, or mentally, a sub has the right to safeword.  One way to gauge how painful a punishmetnt is can be to make the sub count each time they are hit.  My Dom usually will spank me five times, making me count after each one so he can tell in my voice if he is going too hard or soft.  Another idea is to have the sub recite a phrase after each hit, like, “I am Daddy’s little girl.”

Timing is Crucial

Usually a sub knows when they screw up, and they dread the after-effects of displeasing their Dom. If the Dom completely forgets to punish or even puts it off it is less affective.  Sometimes a little bit of time can grow the anticipation and force the sub to mediate on what they did, but generally punishments should happen by the end of the day.  If it’s a long distance d/s relationship, and you want to know how to punish a sub over text, still keep in mind the timing when administering discipline.  Anything later than a day misses the goal of teaching the sub so they will learn to never do it again.  It is like waiting too long after your dog has an accident to rub their nose in it.  Subs need to see that their Doms care enough about the relationship to take the time to discipline them.

BDSM Punishment Ideas

It needs to be emphasized that the subject of discipline should always be discussed beforehand to keep things consensual and safe.  A written contract can list the types of punishments that are acceptable, and the severity that is agreed on.

  • Spanking-  My favorite I love to hate.  Usually done on the bed without clothes on.  Using the Dom’s bare hand has the advantage of keeping the physical connection between both parties.  It also prevents him from doing serious damage because he will have the pain in his hand as a gauge.
  • Paddling-  Administered like a spanking but uses an object like an actual paddle, ruler, hair brush, etc.
  • Whipping-  Belts can do serious damage so this is better when done lightly.
  • Biting-  Usually done during a sexual encounter when a sub displeases the Dom.
  • Delayed orgasm-  Either for a minute or a day, to remind a sub that their Dom has the power over their sexual fullillment.
  • Brazilian wax-  Making a sub get this done will only work if they don’t currently enjoy doing this.
  • Get your free master list with 30+ more ways

So there you have it: the basics of BDSM punishments. Keep these suggestions in mind and your d/s relationship will continue to evolve and bring greater fullillment.  🖤

What are your thoughts on disciplline?  Share your ideas for punishment in the comments.

Keep reading: How to keep things safe »

33 thoughts on “How to Punish a Sub Effectively”

  1. I truly appreciate this post. I have been looking everywhere for this! Thank goodness I found it on Bing. You’ve made my day! Thank you again!

  2. I desperately want my husband to dominant me. I bring it up to him and only get him excited, couple spankings on the tush during sex and its over. How do I ask him for more?

    1. Hi Vanessa! I’m sure it’s really disappointing when you want more but your husband isn’t getting the hint. You may have to sit down with him and have a serious talk about what you want. But what might be the case is that he doesn’t know how to dominate. You’re probably going to have to give him lots of examples, and you can even share my blog with him to give him some ideas. Try to be patient with him, but when he does do things to dominate you, make sure you show him how much you like it.

    2. You could find some BDSM literature and email it to him at work with the subject line, This is Hot. You could bring him his belt. Display some submissive behavior like calling him Sir asking if you could please pleasure you or will he please do something you know he likes.
      After that, Honey, he might just not be into it.

  3. Hi… I love this blog/Posts… I want my wife to dominant me so bad… But she’s not into it.. She’s barely into sex at all… I don’t know how to get my vanilla/little town/good girl into BDSM… I got her a book once, but it was more about humiliation than punishment.. now I don’t know how to bring it up.. because when u do she gets hurt says ” I’m trying, I’m sorry u can’t please you” then we go backwards… We have several toys/floggers/restraints… But she won’t use them on me… If I beg she does, but it like another comment… She does a couple of flogs and stops because she doesn’t get it… How do I get her to want to do it to me… When she doesn’t like it on her? Thanks

    1. Hi George! I’m sorry to hear that you’re having a frustrating time with your wife. Try to be patient with her. Really listen to her and ask her how she feels. You can also read some tips on how to approach the issue here.

  4. What are some more things to discipline your sub through text because we don’t get to see each other a lot and I’m new to BDSM.

    1. Hi Brody! Congratulations on starting out with BDSM. There are lots of creative ways to discipline your sub through text. I list some additional ways in this article here. I wish you the best on your Dom/sub journey!

  5. I appreciate these articles. i have just started with my first submissive and I am still wanting to learn things. This article was a big help!

    1. I am a long time married sub. I discovered a years ago I’d rather take a spanking than have an argument when I overspent or did something I couldn’t deny was my fault. But we were naturally sub/Dom before marriage. Anyway, my punishments include spanking, first for everything then either standing in the corner after a spanking holding my skirt up with my panties around my ankles, poor housekeeping means the French maids outfit after the spanking and redoing it under his supervision. For me, a combination of stimulation and humiliation has proven very effective. He fondles me constantly. And when we stopped hiding out life style, it was like a second honeymoon! He sent me out to cut my own switch and spanked me on the porch. I stopped lying to my girlfriends when I’m on restriction. I tell them my husband grounded me. Other punishments effective for me: loss of clothing privileges, making me wear a butt plug, sending me to bed telling me to bend over and spread my cheeks then having to wait. Anything in front of our closest friends or other sub Dom’s even just sending me to bed early. I know I’m on a rant. But 2 things: must be clear and understood rules. I have a bedtime. I say Yes ,Sir. Im not allowed to wear pants. And he gives or does anything I want or ask that is in his power. Rules for Dom’s too!

  6. I’m having an issue with punishing my sub because she likes and wants the pain. Do you have any ideas on what are effective ways to punish a sub who craves the pain?

    1. That’s a great question, Katrina, and a really common problem. One of the best ways to punish a sub who enjoys pain is to take away privileges. Sometimes my Dom has to take away my laptop or make me go to bed early. You could also refuse to give your sub any attention for a set period of time. It may take some trial and error but it is possible to find an effective way to punish a masochistic sub.

  7. I already said this. But stimulation and humiliation. I like spankings too. But that five minutes in the corner holding up my skirt to show my red bottom changed my attitude. If you’re not public, take her out of town. Once my husband ordered one entree, fed me from his plate and wiped my mouth with my shirts exposing my breasts. If she likes the pain, don’t give it to her. Just fondle her until she’s insane have her take care of you and send her to bed. If she’s a slave sub, treat her like a little girl or vice versa. Get her naked and out of her comfort zone whether it’s on a leash or in a play pen.

  8. Just because she likes the pain doesn’t mean it’s not a punishment. The purpose is to change behavior, not make her miserable. Make her beg for it. Make her promise to do what she’s told and specify what she will have to do. I think it’s really sexy when my husband says, All I wanna hear from you is Yes Sir. You will be reinforcing who is the Dom and who is the sub
    I promise.

  9. How do change someone into a real Dom ?my husband only do into in the bed like the basic spank me tie me up make me call him master you stuff like that. But i need and crave more i want it outside the bedroom i need the control all the time.i control everything else in my life i want to give it up i tried talking to him but he laughs i dont want to look outside our marriage for it help me

    1. Hi Stacy! I’m sorry to hear you’re having a hard time getting your husband to dominate you outside the bedroom, but you can’t change someone into a real Dom. He has to want to. If he laughs when you bring it up, it could be that he doesn’t believe this can be a real, healthy relationship. Share my site with him and my “About Me.” Maybe after he sees how this could be a real benefit he will take it seriously. You could also try counseling, but going outside the marriage is never really the answer.

  10. Se we have just started our BDSM journey and are enjoying it so far but we both really want it to be a full time thing and we’ve done a contract and rules etc.
    We are struggle to do it full time as we have kids do you have any tips please?

  11. Thank you so much for all your time in creating this site. We have both been taking tips and learning from this and it really has helped so much! =^.^=

  12. Hi just got into this sort of lifestyle always liked to be told what to do etc by my female DOM cleaning etc tipping my money up etc and general punishment by a paddle plus slaps across the face etc once it’s over although I’ve been hurt I always thrive for more it’s like a addiction

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