Tag Archives: BDSM

FREE BDSM QUIZ! Discover your kink personality type

FREE BDSM QUIZ! Discover your kink personality type

One size fits all is not what BDSM and kink is about — Consider this quiz your shortcut to exploring your kinky potential. When you align with your natural strengths and innate sexuality, the Dom/sub lifestyle becomes a whole lot easier. Take this test and get instant access to your customized plan.

You’ll find out what your kink personality is, along with the suggested lifestyle tips for that type, so you can get the best results, enjoy sex even more, and become the best Dom or sub you can be!

Because when it comes to living a kinky lifestyle, do you ever feel a little bit… squeezed into a mold?

…Like you must do things a certain way or else you’re failing at BDSM?

The thing is… you don’t belong in a mold.

When I first started out as a submissive, I knew that I had a lot to work on, but between all the rules, protocols, and bondage lessons, I was completely overwhelmed. And so was my Dominant.

So why take this BDSM & Kink quiz?

BDSM and kink is all about doing things YOUR way instead of following mainstream advice and rules.

But what if you don’t know what “your way” is?

Well, that’s why I decided to create this quiz to give you the ultimate plan to help you live the lifestyle to the full, for you.

This quiz combines the depth and insights of a fun personality test with the knowledge of a BDSM expert. I’m so excited to finally share it with you (and it’s free by the way).

DISCOVER YOUR UNIQUE KINK PERSONALITY TYPE

And if you’re feeling like you need a little help on becoming the best Dom or sub you can be? Well, I got you covered, too. 

I just re-launched my premium program, Dom Sub Training! This resource has all the information you need to become a satisfied BDSM expert – from finding a partner to dealing with the challenges of a long-term relationship. With a detailed plan to make it all happen!

But if you want get started now with how to embrace your unique kinkiness in the perfect way for YOUR personality type, then you’ll love my brand new quiz.

How does the test work?

In just 3-minutes, I’ll help you delve deeply into your BDSM personality to discover which kinky strategies will bring you more fun and satisfaction.

  • Your kink personality breakdown and how it relates to living a better BDSM lifestyle
  • Deep insights into your unique strengths and how to use them effectively as a Dom or sub
  • Your kink personality-driven step-by-step plan to make infinitely faster progress

Whether you’re just getting started with BDSM or you’re already an advanced Dom or sub – this quiz will help you get clear on your personal kink identity and develop your action-plan.

Comment below and let me know which kinky type you get. Maybe you’ll be the same one as me!

 

5 Things You Need to Know About Consensual Non-Consent

One of the most debated but rarely explained topics in the BDSM community is consensual non-consent, or CNC.  The real definition of this type of D/s relationship is one of deep trust, not abuse.  And even though the sex fantasy of rape play is pretty common, this kink is still a taboo topic.  What is the real meaning of consensual non-consent? And do you still need a contract or agreement?  Let’s look closer at CNC, plus I have some stimulating ideas and examples to get you started.

CNC Consensual non-consent Explained Meaning Definition Ideas Contract Examples Agreement Rape Fantasy Play BDSM Relationship CNC kink Sex D/s

Consensual non-consent vs. rape fantasy explained

Before we begin discussing everything you need to know about CNC, we need to first understand how it differs from rape play.  Even though the two are very similar, rape fantasy or play rape, usually just refers to the sexual act, whereas consensual non-consent can encompass all aspects of a D/s relationship.

Some people use the terms interchangeably, and even rape play is a fantasy for many “vanilla” people. Feel free to use whichever term you’re comfortable with, but always make sure everything is safe, sane, and consensual.

1.  Consensual non-consent meaning in BDSM

The definition for consensual non-consent is a mutual agreement where the Dom is able to act as if the sub has waived all consent. Complete consent is given beforehand, with the understanding of it being a permanent arrangement under most circumstances.

The bottom line is that this is something the sub has willingly said they wanted.  The “non-consensual” part also means that sometimes the Dom may have to make the sub obey if she refuses.

Why would a sub, and especially a slave, say “no” if they already gave their total submission? Simply put, because subs and slaves aren’t robots.  They have feelings, needs, wants, and imperfections too.  They may disagree with the Dom, and voice it, but they still ultimately want to serve and be used.

If you’re still confused as to the meaning of consensual non-consent, here is what it means to me:

“I like it even when I don’t like it.  I want it even when I don’t want it.”

2.  Do you need safewords or a contract in CNC?

Since trust is so important in consensual non-consent I would say that safewords are preferred.  Safewords make everything clear.  Of course it’s a good practice for a Dom to remind a sub that they have safewords during an intense scene.

We usually think trust has to do with the sub trusting the Dom, but the Dom has to equally be able to trust their sub.  “No means no” in a court of law, regardless if it’s a D/s relationship, or even if there’s a BDSM contract or agreement.  A Dom needs to know that the sub is completely willing, even if they’re yelling and crying for something to stop.

If you are in a 24/7 relationship, in your contract or agreement you can discuss removing safewords in certain situations, like during punishments.

For example, some couples don’t allow safewords at all in non-consensual play, as they feel it gives the submissive too much control.  An example of this type of D/s relationship is a total power exchange relationship, or TPE.

Download your FREE BDSM contract by clicking the image below:

Free BDSM contract

3.  Subdrop and aftercare will be different

After a play session, a sub might act completely different if conensual non-consent was involved.  After a scene I usually like to cuddle, but if we did some forceful, hard playing I can’t stand to be held.

My Dom knows that it’s difficult for me to receive affection after consensual non-consent, so he’ll give me my space and just maybe rest a hand on my shoulder.  It’s not uncommon for a sub to get upset and angry, almost as if they were really abused.

This is because the mind and body are so connected.  If a sub’s body is abused in a non-pleasurable way, their mind will begin to associate with that emotionally.

During subdrop they will slowly start to feel safe and in control again.  It’s extremely important for the Dom to respect this and not get offended during this time, but to continue to provide aftercare.

4.  Rape play is more than just a kink fantasy

Many BDSM players may use the terms rape play and consensual non-consent interchangeably, but as we discussed at the beginning, they are not the same thing.  Rape play is just one small aspect of a CNC kink.  Even those in a vanilla relationship may have that fantasy.

For some victims of past abuse though, acting it out can be very therapeutic.  To them CNC can have a bigger meaning.  It can be a way to relive the experience, knowing that they now have the power to make it stop.

If you are going to engage in rape play with someone, make sure limits are clearly discussed/included in your contract or agreement.  For example, vaginal rape may be acceptable, but anal may not be.

5.   Ideas for D/s sex and beyond

There are many ways to engage in consensual non-consent, both sexual and non-sexual. If you are in a BDSM relationship, or even if you just play part-time, here are some ideas and examples:

  • The Dom can dress up like an actual attacker (if they wear a mask, make sure at least part of the face is visible so the sub knows it’s not a real attacker)
  • Use rope to tie up the sub and gag them during sex
  • Enforce punishments that the sub will not like
  • Engage in pain play that tests the sub’s limits

See 30+ punishment ideas here »

Another example of a CNC kink situation is somnophilia.  The definition of somnophila is a kink where the Dominant performs sex acts on the submissive while they are unconscious or asleep.  The sub would have to give their consent to this situation beforehand.  This is actually a sex kink that my Dom and I enjoy on occasion.

Consensual non-consent is probably one of my favorite aspects of a BDSM lifestyle, and brings more meaning to my D/s relationship.  Sex can be so much more thrilling when you didn’t say yes.

Forcing someone to do something, or being forced yourself, can be very alluring.  Hopefully now that we’ve explained this hotly debated topic and you have some fun ideas, you can begin to safely experience it too.  🖤

Free BDSM contract

How do you feel about consensual non-consent?  Share your thoughts and ideas in the comments.

Keep reading:   How to enjoy the lifestyle safely »

10 Ways to Have Better Aftercare

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During a BDSM scene or other kink activities, the Dominant and submissive can experience a huge endorphin rush.  It can be a shock when it is all over, for Doms and for subs.  A proper checklist helps prevent this.  It’s a way for those in a D/s (Dom/sub) relationship to calm back down. If your aftercare kit has room for improvement, or worse, is nonexistent, then these ideas can help. But first, let’s cover the definition of aftercare and the meaning of subdrop.

Want a free checklist to help you get the most out of aftercare?  Click the button below and send it to your partner too! 

Definition of aftercare and meaning of subdrop

What exactly is aftercare? Here is the actual definition:

“Aftercare refers to the attention given to a sub at the end of a scene. It often includes the Dom utilizing various pampering techniques on the sub in an effort to provide comfort after having an intense experience that can leave them in a vulnerable state.”

Intense pleasure or pain can cause a strong “high”, and when emotions and endorphins come crashing down subdrop can occur. Here is the meaning of subdrop:

“Subdrop is an experience with similar characteristics of depression that occurs after an intense BDSM scene. It is caused by adrenaline and endorphin crashes.”

So as you can see from these definitions, proper aftercare helps prevent subdrop, so the Dom and sub can slowly get back in touch with reality. Keep reading for my top 10 ideas for aftercare.

1.  Cover up the sub

This is probably one of the most simplest things a Dominant forgets to do.  During a scene a submissive’s body temperature usually increases and afterwards it drops, making the sub cold and uncomfortable.  Before a Dom relaxes they should cover up the sub with a blanket.

If the sub was completely naked they are also probably feeling exposed and vulnerable and this simple act can help them feel at ease.  Plus, after a very intense session a sub is usually too exhausted to cover themselves up.

2.  Verbal reassurance from the Dominant

A sub craves to be told that they are good and that they did a good job.  When their Dom says those words to them, it helps them to emotionally relax.  It’s not uncommon for a sub to have doubts and insecurities after a session.  Knowing they have their Dom’s approval gives them immense satisfaction.

If there was rape play or consensual non-consent during a scene, then it is extremely important for the Dom to be caring and calm, even saying, “I love you,” if it’s appropriate for the relationship.

3.  Cuddle

Just like how a sub can be verbally reassured, they can also be physically reassured.  When a Dom holds and cuddles a sub it helps them to feel safe and protected.

Other small ways to make physical contact include snuggling, petting, pats on the head, and forehead kisses.  Feeling their Dom’s strong arms around them can go a long way in helping establish a sense of security in a D/s relationship.

4.  Water

After an intense kink scene, it is a good idea for both parties to rehydrate.  However, it is the Dom’s responsibility to get their sub a glass of water to drink.  Moreover, drinking water can help prevent headaches, muscles aches, and urinary tract infections.

Therefore, having two glasses of water nearby before a BDSM scene starts is a good habit to get into.

5.  Proper clean up

BDSM scenes can be quite dirty.  Sweat, lubes, bodily fluids, wax – they all need to be cleaned up.  The Dom can get a towel and wipe up their sub and themselves.  They can also help straighten things back up and put away any toys and other implements.

Sometimes a shower may be needed and the Dom can help wash the sub.  This can be another opportunity to reconnect.

6.  First-aid kit ideas

A sub may have marks and bruises from a hard and intense kink session.  The Dom can massage limbs that were tied up, and apply lotion to any other sore spots.  Some people swear by arnica cream but any lotion without menthol or alcohol is good.  My favorite to use is one with shea butter.

Having Advil in your kit (brought with the water from tip #4) can help prevent swelling and bruising.

7.  Stuffie

Stuffies, or stuffed toys, are another tool in providing proper aftercare.  Littles especially love stuffies, and having one to cuddle and recuperate with helps them cope and deal with loneliness.  Therefore, a Dom should bring the stuffie to their little after a play session.

On the other hand, if the little doesn’t own a stuffie, this is a good opportunity for the Dom to buy them one.

8.  Orgasm

This one is probably my favorite for obvious reasons.  It may be the farthest thing from their mind after a hard scene but an orgasm can help the sub calm down, and to refocus.

Being beaten and used is a very stressful thing to experience and an orgasm can help a sub release that.  Also the Dom may have already orgasmed and taking care of the sub can help them not feel neglected.

For a simple (and free!) aftercare kit checklist, just CLICK HERE and it will be emailed to you instantly.

9.  Discuss and recap post kink

After all the previous steps have been taken, it’s good for a D/s relationship if both individuals discuss a scene after it’s over.  Doing all the relevant previous steps ensures that they are both calm and relaxed and can talk freely and openly.

This is a good time to figure out what went great, and what you’d like to try next time.

10.  Check-in the next day

Even if you’re married or in a long-term D/s relationship, next day communication is really important.  Subdrop can occur even days after a play session, so even a simple text or phone call can mean a lot.

Journaling can also help a sub to express their emotions productively, and the Dom can even assign a specific writing assignment based on the play session.

Get a FREE printable journal here »

Proper aftercare for Doms in a D/s relationship

Aftercare for Doms is something that rarely gets talked about in the BDSM community. Domdrop is a real occurrence though, and can be prevented with some of the ideas and activities above.

Some of the feelings that a Dom can have include depression, guilt, exhaustion, vulnerability, insecurity, and anxiety. In addition to the above ideas, here is a checklist for Doms:

  • Ask for reassurance from your sub
  • Talk to other Doms in the BDSM community
  • Go to the gym or go for a run
  • Do activities related to a hobby
  • Practice these other self-care tips

A successful D/s relationship depends not just on hardcore scenes, but also on well planned, proper aftercare.  As you can see, there are so many different ways and activities to ensure that this happens, even for Doms.  Communicate what you need and want afterwards, and the play sessions are sure to keep getting better and better.  🖤

What’s your favorite aftercare activity?  Let me know your checklist in the comments.

Keep reading:  10 tips for self-care »

8 Bondage Ideas + Tips Even if You’re a BDSM Beginner

Bondage is one of the fundamental aspects of BDSM.  It may seem like just a sex kink, but it’s so much more than rope ties, tying someone up, or being tied.  Real physical and emotional gratification comes from bondage.  How can you get started and enjoy it safely, even if you’re a beginner?  Here are 8 ideas plus tips to inspire you.

Bondage Bdsm Contract Ideas Beginner  Sex Tips  Rope ties Kink Tied up Tying up

Be sure to read all the BDSM safety tips first! Click here »

1.  Cable zip ties

I thought I’d start with one of my favorite ideas.  Zip ties are used to hold together cables or wires and are made out of a plastic-like nylon.  They usually come in clear or black and are really easy to use.  Simply put them around the wrists like handcuffs, thread the tail through the loop, and they’re locked.

I like them because they are super strong, and the material can cut into my skin when I struggle.  They can leave nice marks too.  The ties come in different sizes so make sure to buy the longer ones.  They are easy to get out of quickly because you just cut them to release them.

The only down side is that they are not reusable, but you can buy a lot of them really cheap, so they’re great for a beginner.

2.  Suit tie ideas

This is a really sexy way to enjoy bondage even if you are a beginner or in a vanilla relationship.  A man’s tie, made of silk or satin, is the perfect size and length to get started with bondage.

There are many ways to use one.  It can be used to tie the hands behind the back of the body, or in the front.  Once the wrists are tied, the Dom could tie the end to a bed frame or another piece of furniture.  It can also be secured around the sub’s neck like a traditional tie, and used as a leash to lead them around.

It’s versatile enough to be used as a blindfold or even a beginner gag.  Really the possibilities are endless.

3.  Spreader bar

Another fun piece of BDSM equipment, a spreader bar is used to keep the limbs apart.  It is usually attached to the ankles and the bar’s length is increased to open the legs wider.

Some spreader bars also have cuffs for the wrists too, so the hands are attached right next to the feet.  This gives the Dom easy access to do to the sub whatever they wish.  If the spreader bar has a key make sure beforehand that it works properly and it is within reach at all times.

4.  Handcuffs

These can be really thrilling to use because they play into the whole “bad cop” fantasy.  Metal ones are nice because they can press into the skin and give a masochistic sub more pleasure.  As with all of the previous bondage ideas there are a lot of hand placement options.

They can even be hooked through something overhead like a clothes rod while the sub is standing.  Just be careful not to make them too tight because they could do some real damage.  And make sure the key works and is accessible.  No one likes to make an embarrassing call to a locksmith.

5.  Beginner Rope bondage tips

This is probably the best known tool for bondage and doesn’t require a trip to a sex store.  Rope can be used to tie a sub in lots of different positions.  “Hog tie,” where the hands are tied to the feet behind the back, makes the sub extremely vulnerable.

The best beginner rope is subjective, but I prefer smooth, usually nylon so it doesn’t chafe the skin.  If you like it to feel rough then I recommend a natural fiber like manila hemp.  In our bedroom we have ropes tied to the four corners of our bed at all times.  My Dom will use more rope or cable ties to attach me to the corners in various positions.

When we are done playing the rope can be tucked back under the bed out of sight and ready for the next play session.  People who enjoy being tied up in BDSM are usually called “Rope Bunnies”.

6.  Shibari/Kinbaku bondage

Shibari and Kinbaku are two terms to describe a type of Japanese bondage.  Although the words are sometimes used interchangeably they are actually two different things.  Shibari usually refers to general, artistic rope tying, while Kinbaku is a more sexual form of it.

Today you can see rope Masters performing intricate bondage styles at different shows and events.  The art is more in the ritualistic way it is done than in the finished project.  There are also many designs and techniques like the crotch rope tie, Strappado bondage (where the hands are tied behind and pulled up), and suspension bondage.

See a picture of me enjoying Shibari here.

7.  BDSM collar with “O” ring

My play collar has a big “O” ring on the front of it that can be used for many things.  A Dom could use zip ties, a suit tie, or ropes to secure the sub’s hands to the collar.  A traditional leash or chain can also be hooked onto it to keep the sub restrained.

Some collars have “O” rings in multiple places so the sub can be bound from the back of the neck too.  Look for a well made collar that is comfortable but strong enough to take a lot of pulling.  See more ideas for collars here.

8.  Tips for when restraints become undone

Sometimes, despite a Dom’s best tying skills, a restraint may come undone.  It’s going to happen.  There’s no need to be embarrassed, get frustrated, or end a scene.  If a sub notices that a rope is coming loose for instance they can just playfully say, “Master, I think my restraints need to be tighter.”

Or if a Dom sees that a sub is getting loose even in a rape play scene, they can stay in character and just quickly retie them.  The point is to just fix it without making a big deal of it, and to continue to enjoy yourself.

Hopefully I made your next trip to your local hardware store a little more interesting.  Obviously we just scratched the surface of BDSM bondage but these eight ideas and tips should get your creative juices flowing.  Have fun!  🖤

What are your favorite bondage ideas or tips?  Let me know in the comments.

Keep reading:  Using Safewords »

3 reasons why you need to watch the “Secretary”

Secretary movie Quotes Horse Where to watch Characters Review Meaning Actors  Explained

Probably one of the best BDSM movies is Secretary.  It stars actors Maggie Gyllenhaal and James Spader as the characters Lee Holloway and E. Edward Grey.  There is so much I love about this movie: the quotes, the horse scene, and the deeper meaning of pain explained.  Here is my review and why it’s one of the best BDSM films out there (and also where to watch it right now).

Here’s a little synopsis first: Secretary is a 2002 Indie film that explores the relationship between a dominant lawyer and his submissive secretary.

1.  The movie “Secretary” explores the issue of self harm with realistic characters

After I had seen the trailer for the movie I just assumed it was about a kinky boss. I didn’t know anything about Lee being a cutter.  As a person who has been involved with self-harm also, it was very hard to watch the cutting scenes. I got a little angry at first, thinking the movie was just stereotyping submissives.

But then I started to think, “Maybe I’m not the only one, maybe there is a correlation.”  If you do practice self harm, or have in the past, I would love to hear about it in the comments.  A big part of the film’s story revolves around Lee’s cutting, so I loved that it talked openly about such a taboo topic.

The only part that was a little disappointing was when Edward tells her, “You will never, ever cut yourself again. Do you understand? Have I made that perfectly clear. You’re over that now. It’s in the past.”

I thought it was a good response for a Dominant to say, but of course she never ends up cutting herself after he says it.  I thought that was a little unrealistic.

2.  It shows BDSM has a deeper meaning than just whips and chains

Secretary isn’t a mainstream erotic movie like 50 Shades of Grey.  I kept wondering why it was given an “R” rating until the very end when there was one sex scene.  Secretary explores what Dominance and submission can look like in real life, and how pain can be so fulfilling.

It also deals with obsessive compulsive disorders and the need for control.  Edward tells her how much to eat, and gives her tasks to do.  One I really liked was when he told Lee to go for a walk.  She obeyed and during her walk she said to herself:

“When I thought about it, I realized I probably never had taken a walk alone. But because he had given me the permission to do this, because he insisted on it. I felt held by him as I walked alone. I felt he was with me.”

To me this really embodies the purpose of rituals and how meaningful they can be.

One of my favorite quotes from the movie is when Lee is sitting at her boss’s desk, with her forearms on the table and she refuses to move.  Her ex-fiance asks her if she’s doing something sexual.  She replies angrily, “Does this look sexual to you?”  It’s a myth that BDSM is only sexual and that part really illustrated that it’s not.

3.  BDSM is never the problem that needs to be fixed or explained

Secretary deals with kink like it’s completely natural, even in the scene where Edward treats Lee like a horse.  In an interview, director Steven Shainberg said he wanted to show that BDSM relationships can be normal.  He didn’t want to do a story where Lee overcomes her cutting and learns she doesn’t need pain anymore.

Lee says to herself at the end of the movie:  “I feel more than I’ve ever felt, and I’ve found someone to feel with, to play with, to love, in a way that feels right for me.”  And Edward learns that his OCD behavior is not something he has to hide from Lee.

The director also said that they could’ve dealt with the  S&M material in a dark way, but they wanted the total opposite: they wanted to show that the nature of the relationship freed the characters to be their natural selves.  And in the end that’s what happens.  Lee and Edward live happily ever after, living their lifestyle 24/7.

I really hope that if you haven’t seen Secretary yet that you do so soon. There are a lot of great quotes in it, and It may give you a new perspective on what a BDSM relationship can be. You can watch it online through Amazon Prime, iTunes, YouTube, Google Play, Vudu, or Hulu.

Have you seen “Secretary”?  What’s one of your favorite quotes from the movie?  Tell me in the comments.

Read more:  How to go from vanilla to Kink  »

How to go from Vanilla to BDSM and Kink

One of the questions I get asked the most is, “How do I go from vanilla to BDSM?” (The definition of vanilla is plain, normal, or boring.) Maybe the person read the book 50 Shades of Grey, or wants to incorporate kink into their relationship or sex life to bring more meaning to it. It can be hard when you are already married or dating and you want to switch to a kinky lifestyle. Here is how to make your journey successful.

*If you want to help your partner be more dominant, submissive, or kinky, be sure to check out my new workshop.*

Vanilla to kink Vanilla to BDSM Kinky how to go from vanilla to kink 50 shades of grey Sex  Switch Meaning Definiton Book Scale Test

Be sure to learn the BDSM essentials and their meaning first by clicking here.

Start with kinky communication (and not just about sex)

One of the awesome things about a D/s lifestyle is that there is usually a whole lot more communication than a vanilla one.  Start by telling your partner what you already like about your relationship.  Then you can begin to tell them things you want to maybe try or are just curious about.

Ask them what their kinky fantasies are.  This may take a few tries so keep things positive and be patient.  Saying the word “BDSM” may scare them off so maybe just talk about the aspects of it you like.  This can be things like:

Sometimes a person has to get comfortable just talking about how to go from vanilla to kink before they feel they can make the switch to doing it in real life.  Read articles on Domsubliving.com together and keep your conversations light and fun.

How to go from vanilla to BDSM with a kink contract

Contracts are one of the things that the book 50 Shades of Grey actually got right, but contracts don’t have to be for hardcore D/s couples.  Experts say that talking about sex openly and writing it down in a contract brings meaning to even vanilla relationships.

If you need somewhere to start, download a free template here

Contracts can include roles and what those involve (even if it’s just your names and titles like husband, wife, boyfriend, or girlfriend).  Other things to cover are:

Don’t be embarrassed or take yourself too seriously.  Have fun discussing your contract and check in regularly to see if it’s working or to renegotiate.

When things don’t go as you hoped

Whether you’re vanilla or practicing BDSM, you shouldn’t expect perfection from your partner.  Remember, this isn’t the book 50 Shades of Grey.

Resentment builds when one person starts to feel like the other isn’t fulfilling their role.  In D/s this could be the Dom feeling like their sub isn’t being submissive enough, or the sub feeling like their Dom isn’t being dominant enough.  What should you do when this happens?

As always: communicate.  If talking about how to go from vanilla to BDSM makes you feel uncomfortable or you’re hitting a brick wall, a journal can be a safe place to express your feelings freely.  Journaling is great for any relationship, vanilla or kinky.

You can download a free journal here which includes prompts to help you get started.

Make the switch from vanilla to BDSM safely

You may be tempted to jump right into a kinky lifestyle, but start slow.  Remember, the book 50 Shades of Grey is not real life.  In the BDSM community “Safe, Sane, and Consensual” is extremely important, and not just during sex.

If not practiced correctly, a D/s relationship can be dangerous, both physically and emotionally.  However, when it is enjoyed in a healthy way it can be extremely fulfilling and bring deep meaning to a relationship.  I hope with these suggestions all who want to can go from vanilla to BDSM and kink successfully.  🖤

Have you tried making the switch?  What challenges have you faced?  Let me know in the comments.

Keep reading: Creating Your Contract  »

The Ultimate Guide to Keeping a Submissive’s Journal

Submissive journal prompts ideas examples start template BDSM sub Dom Dominant writing

In beginning my BDSM journey as a sub, I thought keeping a journal was very vanilla.  “Shouldn’t I just tell my Dom my feelings and ideas?” I didn’t think a submissive journal would be useful, but my Dominant wanted me to so I obeyed.  Here’s what I’ve learned, plus some writing prompts and examples to help you start.  Be sure to download your free template here.

Why is a journal so important?

A journal is a submissive’s safe place to write down whatever they want.  In a life full of control and submission, it can be their only outlet to vent their feelings freely.  Journaling can be very therapeutic.

It also gives the Dom a glimpse into their sub’s mind so he can better understand her.  In order for this all to happen though, a sub should always feel safe to write anything in their journal without fear of being punished.

If a sub is constantly asked, “Why did you write that?”, they’ll slowly stop writing for themselves and more for pleasing their Master.  My journal has a list of rules at the beginning of it.  Here is a sample of it you can use as a template:

“Only the submissive can write here, unless she gives approval for the Dominant to respond in it.  All other responses of the Dom will be by email, text, or handwritten notes only.  The sub will not have to answer for anything she writes here, or be held accountable. The Dom can indirectly discuss any concerns he has but without referencing her journal.”

Submissive journal rules and expectations can also be explained in a BDSM contract as well.  For examples of contracts click here.

Ideas to get you started

The most traditional type of journal is a notebook, maybe kept in a sub’s nightstand where the Dom has access to it.  With technology now though there are a lot better alternatives.  I feel the best journal is a digital document that both parties can share.

I keep a note on my iPhone entitled “Submissive’s Journal” that I have shared with my Dom.  The advantage to this is that he gets a notification on his phone as soon as I write a new entry.  That way I don’t have to wonder if he’s seen that I wrote something, and he doesn’t have to keep checking it.  Examples also include a Word or Pages template too.

If you are afraid someone else will accidentally read it you could also protect it with a password.  Journals can also be done online, or even as part of a blog.

Examples of writing prompts to use as a template

Now that you know why to write and how to write, it’s time to figure out what to write. Basically a submissive can write anything they want as a reflection of what’s going on in their mind. If nothing is coming to them or they just need some fresh inspiration, here’s some ideas and examples of prompts to get you started:

  • What you like most about being a sub/slave/little
  • The biggest challenges to being a sub/slave/little
  • Positive things that happened during the day
  • Your favorite sexual things, or new things you want to try
  • If you could change one thing about your current relationship what would it be?
  • Read a post on Domsubliving.com and journal your thoughts about it
  • Your goals as a sub/slave/little
  • What you would tell your past-BDSM self

Of course one of the best ways to get ideas for journaling prompts is for a sub to ask their Dom. I’m sure they would love to know their sub’s thoughts on many different subjects.

How often should a submissive journal?

A submissive doesn’t have to journal every day (unless their Dom tells them to), but they should at the very least journal once a week. Journaling often can allow a sub to release their frustrations through writing, and it can keep them from acting out or behaving bratty.  It can catch and fix problems early.

A sub shouldn’t only journal when they are upset and need to vent though. It’s also good for them to record positive things, so both the sub and the Dom can look back on their relationship with confidence.

A word for the Dom:

It is extremely important that your sub should always feel comfortable writing in their journal. It may be their only safe place they are allowed to vent, “cry”, or “scream”. If your sub senses that you are judging them because of what they write, they may begin to censor their entries. Even if your sub writes, “I hate my Dom,” resist the urge to ask why they wrote it.

Remember, children and teenagers will often journal rebelliously, so your little is just expressing normal behaviors. Instead of confronting your sub, ask them later how they are feeling and if there is anything they think needs improvement. 

A well-used journal is a sign of a sub who feels comfortable and safe. Be sure to download your free template below.  Writing often is not only good for the sub, but will help the Dom better understand the needs of the BDSM relationship.

How do you journal?  What are your ideas for prompts? Share in the the comments. 

 

Keep Reading: More ways to prevent bratty behavior »

7 Things You Need to Know About BDSM During This Uncertain Time

Last week my inbox was flooded with questions from my members…

“How can we avoid going back to vanilla while we’re stuck at home?”

“Should I keep looking for a partner?”

“Should we take a break from BDSM since the kids are off school?”

“How can we stay Dom & sub while we are separated by quarantine?”

I wasn’t planning to do this blog post, but I know it’s what you need to hear.

I answer all of the above questions and more. It’s from the heart and I know you will get a lot of value from it.

Be sure to also get your FREE BDSM resource list for when everything is crazy. Click here to download!

BDSM sick crisis Dom sub Coronavirus Covid-19

1. Keep up with your Dom/sub routines

Routines and rituals are an important part of any healthy BDSM relationship. They help the Dominant and submissive remember their roles, and can be a way to stay centered and focused during the COVID-19 crises.

Creating powerful and easy Dom/sub rituals (that don’t fizzle out during weeks of quarantine) can be challenging though.  So here are some proven examples of D/s rules and protocols to help you pass the time:

  • Kneeling
  • A morning text
  • Shaving
  • Preparing and serving coffee or tea
  • Punishments

It’s also important that submissives still wear their collar. Some subs might have the ritual that they put their day collar on when they leave the house. But if self-isolating is keeping them home, a sub might not wear their collar at all for days or weeks.

Having the Dom put on a sub’s collar is a simple routine you can do everyday to keep both people in the mindset. See ideas for different collars here.

2. Enjoy BDSM when the kids are home – the right way

Living the lifestyle while you have children off from school can be very challenging. You want to enjoy BDSM but at the same time you may be afraid about exposing your children to it. I completely understand. I have two small children myself so I know it can be hard, but there are many steps you can take.

Even if you are still enjoying kink in the bedroom it can be difficult to know how to take your Dom/sub lifestyle into everyday life. It’s not impossible though. There are many ways that my Dom and I are still able to do this even during a shelter in place.

In Lesson 6 of my course Dom Sub Training, I share our 6 specific hacks to not let your roles of Dad and Mom interfere with being a Dom and sub. With careful planning and some creativity, you can still have the BDSM lifestyle you want even with children home from school.

3. Stay connected to your partner if you have to be apart

Self-isolating and quarantines are hard, but especially for those that are Dom/sub.  It can be difficult to keep the dynamic going when you’re apart and problems and issues arise.

Even if you’re apart for just a day, or the pandemic makes it so you’re separated for months, virtual D/s relationship can still succeed.  Both the Dominant and submissive have to work at it though.

Remember, being apart isn’t easy, but so is anything worth fighting for. Follow my rules and tips in this article and you’re sure to have success. If you can trust, respect, and support each other when you’re apart, imagine how powerful your bond will be once you’re together. 

4. You can still find a partner and meet others in the BDSM community

Finding others in the kink community can be very intimidating and scary, even when there’s not a global virus going around. The good news is there are lots of ways to connect to BDSM groups and individuals online still.

Social distancing doesn’t have to keep you from meeting others in the BDSM community. If you’re a Dom Sub Training member, be sure to check out my exclusive resource guide in Lesson 7. In it I share:

  • The best websites for meeting new people
  • Online events and groups I love to hang out at
  • Kink friendly online therapists and educators
  • My favorite websites for Dom/sub help

And if you don’t have a partner currently, be sure to also check out this free article.

free BDSM resource list

5. Find ways to serve your partner even if you get sick

Even if you’re fortunate enough to not get the Coronavirus, it’s still the cold and flu season. Getting sick at some point in your relationship is bound to happen, but that doesn’t mean you stop being a Dom or sub. There are lots of small ways to still serve your partner, even if you happen to get sick:

For the Dominant:

  • Assign your sub tasks to complete
  • Enjoy simple bondage, like tying your sub’s hands together
  • Give your sub journal prompts
  • Reassure them of your approval

For the submissive:

  • Prioritize your self-care
  • Adapt your duties if necessary
  • Communicate with your Dom through your journal
  • Express to them that they are still needed and wanted

6. Wash your toys (and hands)

While we all know that we should be washing our hands regularly (hopefully), good hygiene shouldn’t stop there. The Coronavirus is spread through respiratory droplets, including saliva, and by touching contaminated surfaces. So pretty much everything you touch!

You should always clean your sex toys and BDSM gear regularly, but now is the perfect opportunity to make sure it gets done.

Cleaning your toys and gear is easy! Of course the cleaning method will depend on the type of material, so first always consult the manufacturer’s instructions. But here are some general tips:

  1. Wash with hot water and soap after each use
  2. Rinse with a solution of at least 70% alcohol OR 2% bleach (1 tsp per 1 cup water)
  3. Use alcohol wipes on items you can’t submerge
  4. Some items can also be sanitized by boiling them
  5. Allow to air dry thoroughly before using

Need reminders of everything that should be cleaned? Here’s a cheat sheet:

  • Vibrators
  • Plugs and dildos
  • Lube containers
  • Leashes & collars
  • Cuffs
  • Nipple clamps
  • Ball gags
  • Leather crops, floggers, and wips
  • Paddles and canes
  • Ben Wa Balls

Cleaning and sanitizing your toys (and house) is the perfect task to assign to a submissive while they’re on lockdown.

7. Avoid the vanilla rut while you’re stuck at home together

I guarantee you that this is a problem that many people in the lifestyle are dealing with right now. We’re all stressed. Between job lay offs, kids being home, quarantines, and the news media reports, it seems like life is so chaotic right now. Here are some quick tips to keep you in your role as a Dom or a sub:

  • Shop for new toys and gear, even if you don’t buy

One of the best ways to beat the vanilla rut is to bring new items into your play sessions. If you don’t have extra money to spend because of the economy right now, even “window shopping” online can be a fun, sexy activity you can do.

Two of my favorite online stores are: Luxurious Bliss for BDSM toys and gear, and KinkyCloth for BDSM, DDlg, pet play, and rope bunny clothes and gear.

  • Take an online BDSM course or workshop

Online courses are a great way to pass the time, because you can communicate and experiment together still, even while you’re stuck at home or separated.

An online training program will also help you deal with the issues and problems of a long-distance relationship. You’ll have a detailed, step-by-step plan to have a better, more satisfying connection, and to take your BDSM relationship to the next level.

*If you want to help your partner be more dominant, submissive, or kinky, be sure to check out my new workshop.*

An eCourse is also a great way for both of you to have an online mentor and coach during this stressful time, giving you reliable advice and tips to help you every step of the way.

  • Watch a BDSM movie

This is probably the easiest activity to do to keep you in the Dom/sub mindset. You can see my favorite recommendation here.

  • Make time for regular scenes

After days and weeks of quarantine the realities of your vanilla life begin to set in. A Dom and sub may become preoccupied or complacent and start to put their roles on the back burner. Having regular scenes, at least once a week, is the perfect way to keep a sub eager to serve and also prevent a Dom from neglecting their partner.

*****

It’s not “same old same old” right now. We all feel it.

And although I do NOT have all the answers… I am committed to showing up for you in my imperfect, sometimes awkward way, and sharing what I can to help.

I am committed to supporting, serving, and helping you as much as I can during this time (and always and forever).

Let me know in the comments what questions or challenges you’re facing and I’ll do what I can to provide resources.

I am doubling down on showing up for you now more than ever, because we need each other now more than ever.

Stay safe out there. 🖤

Please click the share buttons below to help others during this uncertain time

free BDSM resource list

6 Things You Need to Know About Safewords

Ever since Fifty Shades of Grey, the meaning of “safewords” has become more popular.  But many people, even in the BDSM community, still don’t know how to use them the right way.  The definition of a safeword is a code to communicate when a submissive is at their limit, or close to it.  I’ll show you some practical examples and a list of ones  you can use in your next play session.

BDSM
Safewords
To use
Meaning 
Examples 
List
Definition 
Fifty shades of grey
Pineapple

1.  Why “pineapple” is a good safeword to use

By definition, the words “No” and “Stop” are not safewords. A safeword needs to be something you would not normally say in a play session or scene. That’s why “pineapple” is such a good example. If you pick a word that is too common, the meaning can become unclear.

Why Fifty Shades of Grey used “Red” and “Yellow”

There’s a good reason why Fifty Shades of Grey chose those two examples. The most popular safeword is “Red”, meaning the sub cannot tolerate any further demands. When this word is said the Dominant’s actions cease completely with immediate effect.  The safeword “Yellow” is used to bring to the attention of the Dom that the sub is close to their limit of endurance.

Red and Yellow are my favorite and the ones I use with my Dom, but we also have an alternative.  Back when we were vanilla but also doing kinky things, I would use his middle name as a code.  I had used it for so long that it was still a habit so we decided to keep it.

When you are in the middle of a very intense situation, it is somewhat of a knee jerk reaction to blurt out the first thing that comes to mind.  So pick a safeword(s) you feel comfortable with.

List of popular examples:

  • Apple
  • Red
  • Pineapple
  • Dom’s middle name
  • Banana
  • Yellow
  • Safeword
  • Mercy
  • Oklahoma

2. Safewords can help establish BDSM limits

If a couple is exploring something new like anal play, safewords can help guide the Dom as to what is acceptable and what is too far.  One of the roles of a good Dom is to push the boundaries of their sub a little, to see what they are and aren’t OK with.

To use safewords in this way a Dom can check in with the sub during a scene and ask, “What color?”  The sub can then replay “Red”, “Yellow”, or even “Green” to indicate that they want to go further.  You could even practice this technique to get a sub comfortable using safewords.

3. Subs can abuse their safewords without meaning to

Let me start off by saying that there is nothing wrong with using safewords.  They are a sacred part of BDSM, and are there to make sure everything stays safe, sane, and consensual.  A sub should never feel guilty when they use them legitimately.

The problem arises when it becomes a way to get out of something they just don’t want to do.  It can become the vanilla equivalent of saying they have a headache.  Besides sexual requests they may use a safeword when a situation becomes too emotionally difficult and they just want a break.

In short, the sub becomes the one in control when they safeword because they just don’t feel like doing something. Find out what the Dom and the sub can do to fix this here.

4. You can try getting rid of them… maybe

In some Master/slave relationships there is the concept of Total Power Exchange (TPE).  This means that the slave has relinquished all rights, even the right to a safeword.

If the sub consents to this (and they have to consent) there needs to be complete trust in the Dom’s control, and his knowledge of the sub. This is best for long term, 24/7 relationships.

If you’re not ready for this step, an alternative could be agreeing to forgo safewords during discipline.  This has the advantage that a sub is more liking to learn from their punishment or not misbehave, if they know they cannot safeword out of it.  The Dom would then have total control over the discipline and not the sub.

Another possibility would be to not let the sub use “Red” while being punished, only “Yellow”.

5.  You need a nonverbal signal too in BDSM

If choking or gagging is acceptable you won’t be able to talk, so agree beforehand on a safe gesture instead of a word.  This can be a hand signal or placing an item in the sub’s hand that they can drop when they have reached their limit.

The downside to these is that their arms and hands would have to be free at all times.  And there is the risk that the Dom may not be able to see the signal during a BDSM scene.

To get around this my Dom and I have the agreement that my hands and arms are always free during choking, and our “safeword” is that I will tap his body anywhere I can.  Once he feels it he releases me immediately.  Try a practice session before committing to your signal.

6. Subs can forget to use their safewords

Sometimes the Dom may make demands of the sub that cannot be met without incurring physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, or other harm.  That is when the sub should use their safewords.

However, in that circumstance the sub may already be distraught because of the severity of the situation, and they may forget their safeword.  Or it may not instinctively come to their mind.  If the Dom is sensing that the sub’s condition is becoming deeply upset and agitated, he should remind them of their safewords.

Also if something new, or if something extremely intense is going to happen, then the Dom should remind the sub of their safewords again beforehand.

My Dom is very good about this, but one thing I like to do during something very demanding is to repeat my safewords to myself in my head.  This way they will more readily come to mind if I need to use them.

No one should ever say, “a real sub doesn’t have safewords.”  If a sub is new to BDSM or coming in to a new relationship, it is a huge red flag if they say they don’t have safewords.  Safewords build trust and bring meaning into the relationship.  Be comfortable using them and you will experience greater pleasure.  🖤

What’s your favorite examples of BDSM safewords to use? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

Keep reading: Myths you need to stop believing now

BDSM Rituals and Why You Need Them

Rituals are an important part of any healthy BDSM relationship. They help the Dominant and submissive remember their roles, and can be a way to stay centered and focused. But creating powerful and easy Dom/sub rituals (that don’t fizzle out) can be challenging.  Read on to discover proven examples of D/s rules and protocols, and maybe pick up some new ideas to transform your connection.

BDSM, rituals, Dom/sub, dom, sub, rules, D/s, ideas, protocol, examples

What are BDSM rituals?

Sometimes people will use the words rituals, rules, and protocols interchangeably but they are slightly different. A BDSM protocol is a hard and fast rule usually listed in a D/s contract. A ritual is more of a way of carrying out something. It almost always involves an action where the Dom prescribes a series of behaviors for their pleasure and benefit.

Why have Dom/sub rituals?

Rituals are a way to discipline a sub.  They teach them obedience and submission and keep them in the right frame of mind.  This is true for the Dom as well.  Sometimes if a sub has been allowed to act too bratty or is topping from the bottom, a ritual can snap both parties back into their role.

I really enjoy my rituals and view them as almost solemn and spiritual.  When I perform a ritual it feels somewhat ceremonial even.  I take pleasure in knowing I’m doing something my Daddy wants and that makes him happy.

Examples of D/s rituals, rules, and protocols

Rituals are automatic and a good sub shouldn’t have to be asked to do it every time. If a sub does forget (they’re not perfect) they should be disciplined to the proper degree.  A good Dom doesn’t make up rituals just for the sake of having one.  There should be a reason for them and should be for their pleasure. To give you some ideas, here are a few examples of the rules and protocols my Daddy has for me:

1. Kneeling

My Daddy usually goes to bed before me since he wakes up early, so once I’m all ready for the night, I sit in the bed next to him and kneel.  If he doesn’t wake up by then I will lightly rub him and say, “I’m ready for bed now, Daddy.”  If he hasn’t gone to bed yet I’ll kneel on the floor instead and wait for permission to get in bed.  He also has me kneel before a scene as well.

2. Arrival greeting

This is another popular ritual and one I can safely perform in front of others.  When he comes home, wherever I am in the house and no matter what I’m doing, I go and greet him with a kiss and tell him, “Hi Daddy”.

3. A morning text

My Daddy decided on the joint ritual of every morning texting each other.  He usually texts me first to tell me good morning and that he loves me.  I reply with how I’m feeling, a detailed plan for my day, and that I love him.  I love waking up and seeing a text from him, and this also allows him to make sure I’m getting up when I’m supposed to.

4. Collars

There are so many ways to incorporate collars with rituals.  Currently we have two.  The first one is I have to wear my Day Collar whenever I leave the house or around company.  If he’s home he will put it on for me.  Second, when I kneel before a scene he puts my Play Collar on me. See ideas for different collars here.

5. Shaving

Sometimes in vanilla relationships, shaving becomes a chore that’s done begrudgingly even though the other partner prefers it.  Making it a D/s ritual can make it more enjoyable.  I always make sure I’m freshly shaven for my Daddy, and I also get a Brazilian wax about every 3 weeks.  (As a masochist, I actually love getting it done.)

6. Punishments

You probably don’t think of punishments when you’re discussing rituals, but they can actually go together quite nicely.  When the sub misbehaves, the Dom can tell them to get whatever implement they choose (belt, flogger, crop, etc.). The sub has to go get it, kneel, and present it in their hands, with their palms facing up.  This can make the discipline more degrading, and as a result, more effective.

Can Doms have BDSM rituals too?

Yes and no.  Doms will do certain actions as a routine but they are never expected to do it, as they are allowed to do whatever they want.  An example is how my Daddy opens doors for me.  Before I get in the car or enter a building he will almost always open the door for me, and it makes me love and respect him as my Dom even more each time.  Other ideas are combing or braiding the sub’s hair at night, ordering for them at restaurants, and staying on the outside of their sub when they’re walking on the street.

When a D/s ritual isn’t working

It may be that after performing certain rituals they will have to be modified or eliminated.  Here’s an example that happened to us one time:

Every morning when Daddy was at work I had to let him decide my panties for the day.  I’d pick out three, lay them in a row, take a picture, and text it to him. This was fun at first and I did it for almost a month.  It ended up causing me a lot of stress though.  There were many mornings I would have to rush because it was taking up too much time.  I told my Dom, knowing full well he could say, “You’re doing it anyway.” But instead, he said he would think about it and let me know the next day. Thankfully he told me I could stop. He still makes choices on my panties from time to time, and will often tell me to wear none when I’m in a dress or skirt.

So if a ritual isn’t working in a D/s dynamic, a sub can always talk to their Dom about it respectively, or through a journal.

Click here to download your free journal with prompts

One of the best ways to make sure a ritual is remembered and carried out is to write it down.  Hopefully these examples have given you some ideas for creating your own BDSM rules and protocols.  Keep finding peace in your rituals. They benefit both the Dom and the sub and are essential for transformation, training, and discipline.  🖤

Now, let’s talk in the comments: What ideas do you have for BDSM rituals? What works and what doesn’t?

Keep reading: How to prevent bratty behavior>>