Tag Archives: BDSM

How to go from Vanilla to BDSM and Kink

One of the questions I get asked the most is, “How do I go from vanilla to BDSM?” (The definition of vanilla is plain, normal, or boring.) Maybe the person read the book 50 Shades of Grey, or wants to incorporate kink into their relationship or sex life to bring more meaning to it. It can be hard when you are already married or dating and you want to switch to a kinky lifestyle. Here is how to make your journey successful.

Vanilla to kink Vanilla to BDSM Kinky how to go from vanilla to kink 50 shades of grey Sex  Switch Meaning Definiton Book Scale Test

Be sure to learn the BDSM essentials and their meaning first by clicking here.

Start with kinky communication (and not just about sex)

One of the awesome things about a D/s lifestyle is that there is usually a whole lot more communication than a vanilla one.  Start by telling your partner what you already like about your relationship.  Then you can begin to tell them things you want to maybe try or are just curious about.

Ask them what their kinky fantasies are.  This may take a few tries so keep things positive and be patient.  Saying the word “BDSM” may scare them off so maybe just talk about the aspects of it you like.  This can be things like:

Sometimes a person has to get comfortable just talking about how to go from vanilla to kink before they feel they can make the switch to doing it in real life.  Read articles on Domsubliving.com together and keep your conversations light and fun.

How to go from vanilla to BDSM with a kink contract

Contracts are one of the things that the book 50 Shades of Grey actually got right, but contracts don’t have to be for hardcore D/s couples.  Experts say that talking about sex openly and writing it down in a contract brings meaning to even vanilla relationships.

If you need somewhere to start, download a free template here

Contracts can include roles and what those involve (even if it’s just your names and titles like husband, wife, boyfriend, or girlfriend).  Other things to cover are:

Don’t be embarrassed or take yourself too seriously.  Have fun discussing your contract and check in regularly to see if it’s working or to renegotiate.

When things don’t go as you hoped

Whether you’re vanilla or practicing BDSM, you shouldn’t expect perfection from your partner.  Remember, this isn’t the book 50 Shades of Grey.

Resentment builds when one person starts to feel like the other isn’t fulfilling their role.  In D/s this could be the Dom feeling like their sub isn’t being submissive enough, or the sub feeling like their Dom isn’t being dominant enough.  What should you do when this happens?

As always: communicate.  If talking about how to go from vanilla to BDSM makes you feel uncomfortable or you’re hitting a brick wall, a journal can be a safe place to express your feelings freely.  Journaling is great for any relationship, vanilla or kinky.

You can download a free journal here which includes prompts to help you get started.

Make the switch from vanilla to BDSM safely

You may be tempted to jump right into a kinky lifestyle, but start slow.  Remember, the book 50 Shades of Grey is not real life.  In the BDSM community “Safe, Sane, and Consensual” is extremely important, and not just during sex.

If not practiced correctly, a D/s relationship can be dangerous, both physically and emotionally.  However, when it is enjoyed in a healthy way it can be extremely fulfilling and bring deep meaning to a relationship.  I hope with these suggestions all who want to can go from vanilla to BDSM and kink successfully.  🖤

Have you tried making the switch?  What challenges have you faced?  Let me know in the comments.

Keep reading: Creating Your Contract  »

The Ultimate Guide to Keeping a Submissive’s Journal

Submissive journal prompts ideas examples start template BDSM sub Dom Dominant writing

In beginning my BDSM journey as a sub, I thought keeping a journal was very vanilla.  “Shouldn’t I just tell my Dom my feelings and ideas?” I didn’t think a submissive journal would be useful, but my Dominant wanted me to so I obeyed.  Here’s what I’ve learned, plus some writing prompts and examples to help you start.  Be sure to download your free template here.

Why is a journal so important?

A journal is a submissive’s safe place to write down whatever they want.  In a life full of control and submission, it can be their only outlet to vent their feelings freely.  Journaling can be very therapeutic.

It also gives the Dom a glimpse into their sub’s mind so he can better understand her.  In order for this all to happen though, a sub should always feel safe to write anything in their journal without fear of being punished.

If a sub is constantly asked, “Why did you write that?”, they’ll slowly stop writing for themselves and more for pleasing their Master.  My journal has a list of rules at the beginning of it.  Here is a sample of it you can use as a template:

“Only the submissive can write here, unless she gives approval for the Dominant to respond in it.  All other responses of the Dom will be by email, text, or handwritten notes only.  The sub will not have to answer for anything she writes here, or be held accountable. The Dom can indirectly discuss any concerns he has but without referencing her journal.”

Submissive journal rules and expectations can also be explained in a BDSM contract as well.  For examples of contracts click here.

Ideas to get you started

The most traditional type of journal is a notebook, maybe kept in a sub’s nightstand where the Dom has access to it.  With technology now though there are a lot better alternatives.  I feel the best journal is a digital document that both parties can share.

I keep a note on my iPhone entitled “Submissive’s Journal” that I have shared with my Dom.  The advantage to this is that he gets a notification on his phone as soon as I write a new entry.  That way I don’t have to wonder if he’s seen that I wrote something, and he doesn’t have to keep checking it.  Examples also include a Word or Pages template too.

If you are afraid someone else will accidentally read it you could also protect it with a password.  Journals can also be done online, or even as part of a blog.

Examples of writing prompts to use as a template

Now that you know why to write and how to write, it’s time to figure out what to write. Basically a submissive can write anything they want as a reflection of what’s going on in their mind. If nothing is coming to them or they just need some fresh inspiration, here’s some ideas and examples of prompts to get you started:

  • What you like most about being a sub/slave/little
  • The biggest challenges to being a sub/slave/little
  • Positive things that happened during the day
  • Your favorite sexual things, or new things you want to try
  • If you could change one thing about your current relationship what would it be?
  • Read a post on Domsubliving.com and journal your thoughts about it
  • Your goals as a sub/slave/little
  • What you would tell your past-BDSM self

Of course one of the best ways to get ideas for journaling prompts is for a sub to ask their Dom. I’m sure they would love to know their sub’s thoughts on many different subjects.

How often should a submissive journal?

A submissive doesn’t have to journal every day (unless their Dom tells them to), but they should at the very least journal once a week. Journaling often can allow a sub to release their frustrations through writing, and it can keep them from acting out or behaving bratty.  It can catch and fix problems early.

A sub shouldn’t only journal when they are upset and need to vent though. It’s also good for them to record positive things, so both the sub and the Dom can look back on their relationship with confidence.

A word for the Dom:

It is extremely important that your sub should always feel comfortable writing in their journal. It may be their only safe place they are allowed to vent, “cry”, or “scream”. If your sub senses that you are judging them because of what they write, they may begin to censor their entries. Even if your sub writes, “I hate my Dom,” resist the urge to ask why they wrote it.

Remember, children and teenagers will often journal rebelliously, so your little is just expressing normal behaviors. Instead of confronting your sub, ask them later how they are feeling and if there is anything they think needs improvement. 

A well-used journal is a sign of a sub who feels comfortable and safe. Be sure to download your free template below.  Writing often is not only good for the sub, but will help the Dom better understand the needs of the BDSM relationship.

How do you journal?  What are your ideas for prompts? Share in the the comments. 

 

Keep Reading: More ways to prevent bratty behavior »

7 Things You Need to Know About BDSM During This Uncertain Time

Last week my inbox was flooded with questions from my members…

“How can we avoid going back to vanilla while we’re stuck at home?”

“Should I keep looking for a partner?”

“Should we take a break from BDSM since the kids are off school?”

“How can we stay Dom & sub while we are separated by quarantine?”

I wasn’t planning to do this blog post, but I know it’s what you need to hear.

I answer all of the above questions and more. It’s from the heart and I know you will get a lot of value from it.

Be sure to also get your FREE BDSM resource list for when everything is crazy. Click here to download!

BDSM sick crisis Dom sub Coronavirus Covid-19

1. Keep up with your Dom/sub routines

Routines and rituals are an important part of any healthy BDSM relationship. They help the Dominant and submissive remember their roles, and can be a way to stay centered and focused during the COVID-19 crises.

Creating powerful and easy Dom/sub rituals (that don’t fizzle out during weeks of quarantine) can be challenging though.  So here are some proven examples of D/s rules and protocols to help you pass the time:

  • Kneeling
  • A morning text
  • Shaving
  • Preparing and serving coffee or tea
  • Punishments

It’s also important that submissives still wear their collar. Some subs might have the ritual that they put their day collar on when they leave the house. But if self-isolating is keeping them home, a sub might not wear their collar at all for days or weeks.

Having the Dom put on a sub’s collar is a simple routine you can do everyday to keep both people in the mindset. See ideas for different collars here.

2. Enjoy BDSM when the kids are home – the right way

Living the lifestyle while you have children off from school can be very challenging. You want to enjoy BDSM but at the same time you may be afraid about exposing your children to it. I completely understand. I have two small children myself so I know it can be hard, but there are many steps you can take.

Even if you are still enjoying kink in the bedroom it can be difficult to know how to take your Dom/sub lifestyle into everyday life. It’s not impossible though. There are many ways that my Dom and I are still able to do this even during a shelter in place.

In Lesson 6 of my course Dom Sub Training, I share our 6 specific hacks to not let your roles of Dad and Mom interfere with being a Dom and sub. With careful planning and some creativity, you can still have the BDSM lifestyle you want even with children home from school.

3. Stay connected to your partner if you have to be apart

Self-isolating and quarantines are hard, but especially for those that are Dom/sub.  It can be difficult to keep the dynamic going when you’re apart and problems and issues arise.

Even if you’re apart for just a day, or the pandemic makes it so you’re separated for months, virtual D/s relationship can still succeed.  Both the Dominant and submissive have to work at it though.

Remember, being apart isn’t easy, but so is anything worth fighting for. Follow my rules and tips in this article and you’re sure to have success. If you can trust, respect, and support each other when you’re apart, imagine how powerful your bond will be once you’re together. 

4. You can still find a partner and meet others in the BDSM community

Finding others in the kink community can be very intimidating and scary, even when there’s not a global virus going around. The good news is there are lots of ways to connect to BDSM groups and individuals online still.

Social distancing doesn’t have to keep you from meeting others in the BDSM community. If you’re a Dom Sub Training member, be sure to check out my exclusive resource guide in Lesson 7. In it I share:

  • The best websites for meeting new people
  • Online events and groups I love to hang out at
  • Kink friendly online therapists and educators
  • My favorite websites for Dom/sub help

And if you don’t have a partner currently, be sure to also check out this free article.

free BDSM resource list

5. Find ways to serve your partner even if you get sick

Even if you’re fortunate enough to not get the Coronavirus, it’s still the cold and flu season. Getting sick at some point in your relationship is bound to happen, but that doesn’t mean you stop being a Dom or sub. There are lots of small ways to still serve your partner, even if you happen to get sick:

For the Dominant:

  • Assign your sub tasks to complete
  • Enjoy simple bondage, like tying your sub’s hands together
  • Give your sub journal prompts
  • Reassure them of your approval

For the submissive:

  • Prioritize your self-care
  • Adapt your duties if necessary
  • Communicate with your Dom through your journal
  • Express to them that they are still needed and wanted

6. Wash your toys (and hands)

While we all know that we should be washing our hands regularly (hopefully), good hygiene shouldn’t stop there. The Coronavirus is spread through respiratory droplets, including saliva, and by touching contaminated surfaces. So pretty much everything you touch!

You should always clean your sex toys and BDSM gear regularly, but now is the perfect opportunity to make sure it gets done.

Cleaning your toys and gear is easy! Of course the cleaning method will depend on the type of material, so first always consult the manufacturer’s instructions. But here are some general tips:

  1. Wash with hot water and soap after each use
  2. Rinse with a solution of at least 70% alcohol OR 2% bleach (1 tsp per 1 cup water)
  3. Use alcohol wipes on items you can’t submerge
  4. Some items can also be sanitized by boiling them
  5. Allow to air dry thoroughly before using

Need reminders of everything that should be cleaned? Here’s a cheat sheet:

  • Vibrators
  • Plugs and dildos
  • Lube containers
  • Leashes & collars
  • Cuffs
  • Nipple clamps
  • Ball gags
  • Leather crops, floggers, and wips
  • Paddles and canes
  • Ben Wa Balls

Cleaning and sanitizing your toys (and house) is the perfect task to assign to a submissive while they’re on lockdown.

7. Avoid the vanilla rut while you’re stuck at home together

I guarantee you that this is a problem that many people in the lifestyle are dealing with right now. We’re all stressed. Between job lay offs, kids being home, quarantines, and the news media reports, it seems like life is so chaotic right now. Here are some quick tips to keep you in your role as a Dom or a sub:

  • Shop for new toys and gear, even if you don’t buy

One of the best ways to beat the vanilla rut is to bring new items into your play sessions. If you don’t have extra money to spend because of the economy right now, even “window shopping” online can be a fun, sexy activity you can do.

Two of my favorite online stores are: Luxurious Bliss for BDSM toys and gear, and KinkyCloth for BDSM, DDlg, pet play, and rope bunny clothes and gear.

  • Take an online BDSM course

Online courses are a great way to pass the time, because you can communicate and experiment together still, even while you’re stuck at home or separated.

An online training program will also help you deal with the issues and problems of a long-distance relationship. You’ll have a detailed, step-by-step plan to have a better, more satisfying connection, and to take your BDSM relationship to the next level.

An eCourse is also a great way for both of you to have an online mentor and coach during this stressful time, giving you reliable advice and tips to help you every step of the way.

  • Watch a BDSM movie

This is probably the easiest activity to do to keep you in the Dom/sub mindset. You can see my favorite recommendation here.

  • Make time for regular scenes

After days and weeks of quarantine the realities of your vanilla life begin to set in. A Dom and sub may become preoccupied or complacent and start to put their roles on the back burner. Having regular scenes, at least once a week, is the perfect way to keep a sub eager to serve and also prevent a Dom from neglecting their partner.

*****

It’s not “same old same old” right now. We all feel it.

And although I do NOT have all the answers… I am committed to showing up for you in my imperfect, sometimes awkward way, and sharing what I can to help.

I am committed to supporting, serving, and helping you as much as I can during this time (and always and forever).

Let me know in the comments what questions or challenges you’re facing and I’ll do what I can to provide resources.

I am doubling down on showing up for you now more than ever, because we need each other now more than ever.

Stay safe out there. 🖤

Please click the share buttons below to help others during this uncertain time

free BDSM resource list

6 Things You Need to Know About Safewords

Ever since Fifty Shades of Grey, the meaning of “safewords” has become more popular.  But many people, even in the BDSM community, still don’t know how to use them the right way.  The definition of a safeword is a code to communicate when a submissive is at their limit, or close to it.  I’ll show you some practical examples and a list of ones  you can use in your next play session.

BDSM
Safewords
To use
Meaning 
Examples 
List
Definition 
Fifty shades of grey
Pineapple

1.  Why “pineapple” is a good safeword to use

By definition, the words “No” and “Stop” are not safewords. A safeword needs to be something you would not normally say in a play session or scene. That’s why “pineapple” is such a good example. If you pick a word that is too common, the meaning can become unclear.

Why Fifty Shades of Grey used “Red” and “Yellow”

There’s a good reason why Fifty Shades of Grey chose those two examples. The most popular safeword is “Red”, meaning the sub cannot tolerate any further demands. When this word is said the Dominant’s actions cease completely with immediate effect.  The safeword “Yellow” is used to bring to the attention of the Dom that the sub is close to their limit of endurance.

Red and Yellow are my favorite and the ones I use with my Dom, but we also have an alternative.  Back when we were vanilla but also doing kinky things, I would use his middle name as a code.  I had used it for so long that it was still a habit so we decided to keep it.

When you are in the middle of a very intense situation, it is somewhat of a knee jerk reaction to blurt out the first thing that comes to mind.  So pick a safeword(s) you feel comfortable with.

List of popular examples:

  • Apple
  • Red
  • Pineapple
  • Dom’s middle name
  • Banana
  • Yellow
  • Safeword
  • Mercy
  • Oklahoma

2. Safewords can help establish BDSM limits

If a couple is exploring something new like anal play, safewords can help guide the Dom as to what is acceptable and what is too far.  One of the roles of a good Dom is to push the boundaries of their sub a little, to see what they are and aren’t OK with.

To use safewords in this way a Dom can check in with the sub during a scene and ask, “What color?”  The sub can then replay “Red”, “Yellow”, or even “Green” to indicate that they want to go further.  You could even practice this technique to get a sub comfortable using safewords.

3. Subs can abuse their safewords without meaning to

Let me start off by saying that there is nothing wrong with using safewords.  They are a sacred part of BDSM, and are there to make sure everything stays safe, sane, and consensual.  A sub should never feel guilty when they use them legitimately.

The problem arises when it becomes a way to get out of something they just don’t want to do.  It can become the vanilla equivalent of saying they have a headache.  Besides sexual requests they may use a safeword when a situation becomes too emotionally difficult and they just want a break.

In short, the sub becomes the one in control when they safeword because they just don’t feel like doing something. Find out what the Dom and the sub can do to fix this here.

4. You can try getting rid of them… maybe

In some Master/slave relationships there is the concept of Total Power Exchange (TPE).  This means that the slave has relinquished all rights, even the right to a safeword.

If the sub consents to this (and they have to consent) there needs to be complete trust in the Dom’s control, and his knowledge of the sub. This is best for long term, 24/7 relationships.

If you’re not ready for this step, an alternative could be agreeing to forgo safewords during discipline.  This has the advantage that a sub is more liking to learn from their punishment or not misbehave, if they know they cannot safeword out of it.  The Dom would then have total control over the discipline and not the sub.

Another possibility would be to not let the sub use “Red” while being punished, only “Yellow”.

5.  You need a nonverbal signal too in BDSM

If choking or gagging is acceptable you won’t be able to talk, so agree beforehand on a safe gesture instead of a word.  This can be a hand signal or placing an item in the sub’s hand that they can drop when they have reached their limit.

The downside to these is that their arms and hands would have to be free at all times.  And there is the risk that the Dom may not be able to see the signal during a BDSM scene.

To get around this my Dom and I have the agreement that my hands and arms are always free during choking, and our “safeword” is that I will tap his body anywhere I can.  Once he feels it he releases me immediately.  Try a practice session before committing to your signal.

6. Subs can forget to use their safewords

Sometimes the Dom may make demands of the sub that cannot be met without incurring physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, or other harm.  That is when the sub should use their safewords.

However, in that circumstance the sub may already be distraught because of the severity of the situation, and they may forget their safeword.  Or it may not instinctively come to their mind.  If the Dom is sensing that the sub’s condition is becoming deeply upset and agitated, he should remind them of their safewords.

Also if something new, or if something extremely intense is going to happen, then the Dom should remind the sub of their safewords again beforehand.

My Dom is very good about this, but one thing I like to do during something very demanding is to repeat my safewords to myself in my head.  This way they will more readily come to mind if I need to use them.

No one should ever say, “a real sub doesn’t have safewords.”  If a sub is new to BDSM or coming in to a new relationship, it is a huge red flag if they say they don’t have safewords.  Safewords build trust and bring meaning into the relationship.  Be comfortable using them and you will experience greater pleasure.  🖤

What’s your favorite examples of BDSM safewords to use? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

Keep reading: Myths you need to stop believing now

BDSM Rituals and Why You Need Them

Rituals are an important part of any healthy BDSM relationship. They help the Dominant and submissive remember their roles, and can be a way to stay centered and focused. But creating powerful and easy Dom/sub rituals (that don’t fizzle out) can be challenging.  Read on to discover proven examples of D/s rules and protocols, and maybe pick up some new ideas to transform your connection.

BDSM, rituals, Dom/sub, dom, sub, rules, D/s, ideas, protocol, examples

What are BDSM rituals?

Sometimes people will use the words rituals, rules, and protocols interchangeably but they are slightly different. A BDSM protocol is a hard and fast rule usually listed in a D/s contract. A ritual is more of a way of carrying out something. It almost always involves an action where the Dom prescribes a series of behaviors for their pleasure and benefit.

Why have Dom/sub rituals?

Rituals are a way to discipline a sub.  They teach them obedience and submission and keep them in the right frame of mind.  This is true for the Dom as well.  Sometimes if a sub has been allowed to act too bratty or is topping from the bottom, a ritual can snap both parties back into their role.

I really enjoy my rituals and view them as almost solemn and spiritual.  When I perform a ritual it feels somewhat ceremonial even.  I take pleasure in knowing I’m doing something my Daddy wants and that makes him happy.

Examples of D/s rituals, rules, and protocols

Rituals are automatic and a good sub shouldn’t have to be asked to do it every time. If a sub does forget (they’re not perfect) they should be disciplined to the proper degree.  A good Dom doesn’t make up rituals just for the sake of having one.  There should be a reason for them and should be for their pleasure. To give you some ideas, here are a few examples of the rules and protocols my Daddy has for me:

1. Kneeling

My Daddy usually goes to bed before me since he wakes up early, so once I’m all ready for the night, I sit in the bed next to him and kneel.  If he doesn’t wake up by then I will lightly rub him and say, “I’m ready for bed now, Daddy.”  If he hasn’t gone to bed yet I’ll kneel on the floor instead and wait for permission to get in bed.  He also has me kneel before a scene as well.

2. Arrival greeting

This is another popular ritual and one I can safely perform in front of others.  When he comes home, wherever I am in the house and no matter what I’m doing, I go and greet him with a kiss and tell him, “Hi Daddy”.

3. A morning text

My Daddy decided on the joint ritual of every morning texting each other.  He usually texts me first to tell me good morning and that he loves me.  I reply with how I’m feeling, a detailed plan for my day, and that I love him.  I love waking up and seeing a text from him, and this also allows him to make sure I’m getting up when I’m supposed to.

4. Collars

There are so many ways to incorporate collars with rituals.  Currently we have two.  The first one is I have to wear my Day Collar whenever I leave the house or around company.  If he’s home he will put it on for me.  Second, when I kneel before a scene he puts my Play Collar on me. See ideas for different collars here.

5. Shaving

Sometimes in vanilla relationships, shaving becomes a chore that’s done begrudgingly even though the other partner prefers it.  Making it a D/s ritual can make it more enjoyable.  I always make sure I’m freshly shaven for my Daddy, and I also get a Brazilian wax about every 3 weeks.  (As a masochist, I actually love getting it done.)

6. Punishments

You probably don’t think of punishments when you’re discussing rituals, but they can actually go together quite nicely.  When the sub misbehaves, the Dom can tell them to get whatever implement they choose (belt, flogger, crop, etc.). The sub has to go get it, kneel, and present it in their hands, with their palms facing up.  This can make the discipline more degrading, and as a result, more effective.

Can Doms have BDSM rituals too?

Yes and no.  Doms will do certain actions as a routine but they are never expected to do it, as they are allowed to do whatever they want.  An example is how my Daddy opens doors for me.  Before I get in the car or enter a building he will almost always open the door for me, and it makes me love and respect him as my Dom even more each time.  Other ideas are combing or braiding the sub’s hair at night, ordering for them at restaurants, and staying on the outside of their sub when they’re walking on the street.

When a D/s ritual isn’t working

It may be that after performing certain rituals they will have to be modified or eliminated.  Here’s an example that happened to us one time:

Every morning when Daddy was at work I had to let him decide my panties for the day.  I’d pick out three, lay them in a row, take a picture, and text it to him. This was fun at first and I did it for almost a month.  It ended up causing me a lot of stress though.  There were many mornings I would have to rush because it was taking up too much time.  I told my Dom, knowing full well he could say, “You’re doing it anyway.” But instead, he said he would think about it and let me know the next day. Thankfully he told me I could stop. He still makes choices on my panties from time to time, and will often tell me to wear none when I’m in a dress or skirt.

So if a ritual isn’t working in a D/s dynamic, a sub can always talk to their Dom about it respectively, or through a journal.

Click here to download your free journal with prompts

One of the best ways to make sure a ritual is remembered and carried out is to write it down.  Hopefully these examples have given you some ideas for creating your own BDSM rules and protocols.  Keep finding peace in your rituals. They benefit both the Dom and the sub and are essential for transformation, training, and discipline.  🖤

Now, let’s talk in the comments: What ideas do you have for BDSM rituals? What works and what doesn’t?

Keep reading: How to prevent bratty behavior>>

A Beginner’s Guide to BDSM and Dom/sub

Many people who are curious about BDSM want to know the quickest way to get started. When you’re just a beginner, it can be really frustrating to try and figure out what a Dominant or submissive is all about.  If you don’t get started the right way, you’re going to waste a lot of time and effort as you try to create a Dom/sub lifestyle.  But dominance and submission is just one aspect of BDSM.  What’s the best way to quickly start putting it all into practice? This guide covers everything you need to know.  Enjoy!

Beginner Guide Bdsm Dom Sub Dominant Submissive Submission

BDSM is an acronym for bondage and discipline (B&D), dominance and submission (D&S), and sadism and masochism (S&M)

B- Bondage

Bondage is one of the fundamental aspects of a Dominant/submissive relationship.  It may seem like just a kinky fetish, but real sexual gratification comes from bondage. The pleasure is derived from rendering the restrained person vulnerable to a variety of sex acts.

Read more:  8 Ways to Enjoy Bondage (Click here)

D- Discipline

Every Dominant/submissive relationship has to have discipline and punishments. After all, no sub is perfect.  Correction is needed from time to time when they break the rules.  Doms need to know how to punish effectively though, because subs can feel neglected when it isn’t done in the proper way.

Read more:  How to Punish a Sub Effectively (Click here)

D- Dominance (Dom)

In the BDSM world, “Dominant” is a word that’s thrown around a lot.  Being a Dom can seem very appealing.  Most are men who want to be more dominant in bed, but also in their relationships, and even in life in general.  But unfortunately, there are a lot of fake doms out there who are not worthy of submission.  Therefore, make sure you know what it truly means to be a real Dom.

Read more:  The Ultimate Guide to Being a Dominant (Click here)

S- Submission (Sub)

Serving a Dominant is a very fulfilling lifestyle.  However, many submissive beginners are lost.  They don’t know what the role entails.  Many times they are just looking for someone to fix them, to make them feel more complete.  In all honesty though, being a sub is a lot of work, mentally, emotionally, and sexually.  Make sure you know what it truly means to be a good sub.

Read more:  The Ultimate Guide to Being a Submissive (Click here)

S- Sadism

Sadism involves getting pleasure form inflicting pain, suffering, or humiliation on someone else.  When practicing sadism, always keep and respect the three principles of SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual).  This is what separates BDSM from criminal abuse or neurotic, psychopathic behavior.  Have fun, but make sure to always play responsibly.

Read more:  The Ultimate Guide to a Safe BDSM Lifestyle (Click here)

M- Masochism

Even if you enjoy receiving pain or being humiliated, it has to be done with a sound mind.  One of the best ways to make sure you’re not just engaging in self-destructive behavior is to set limits. Even if you don’t have a BDSM partner yet, it’s good to have your boundaries clear in mind so you’ll be prepared when you’re ready to start playing.

Read more: Limits: Learn What’s Hard and Soft (Click here)


Now that we’ve gone over everything the BDSM acronym stands for, you may now be wondering, How do I get started in the lifestyle?

Check out: How to Go from Vanilla to BDSM and kink (Click here)

If you’re totally ready to start playing now, but you don’t have a partner yet, no problem!

Check out: Exactly What to Do When You Don’t Have a Partner (Click here)

Lastly, if you’re a beginner and want to really become a satisfied full-time Dom or sub, make sure you subscribe to my FREE newsletter to get access to exclusive content I don’t share here on the blog.  Click here to sign up for the free newsletter

Being a beginner is an exciting time on your BDSM journey.  Remember, you shouldn’t compare where you are and where someone else is in practicing the lifestyle.  Be proud of yourself for being a beginner and continue to use this guide and educate yourself as much as you can.  In time, you’ll be an experienced Dom or sub, and will be able to help other beginners on their journey as well. 🖤

If you could tell beginners one thing about being in the BDSM community what would it be?  Let me know in the comments below.

Keep reading:  Newbie myths you need to stop believing >>

BDSM Limits: Learn What’s Hard and Soft

Limits are a topic that is sure to come up in any Dom/sub relationship or contract negotiation. Even if you don’t have a BDSM partner yet, it’s good to have your boundaries clear in mind so you’ll be prepared when you’re ready to start playing. But what exactly is the difference between hard and soft limits? Here, we’ll define what limits can mean for you, and I’ll even give you some examples.

Bdsm hard and soft limits  List Examples  Meaning Define  Checklist  Contract Vs Difference between  Dom/sub

Why have limits in BDSM?

Having limits while engaging in BDSM allows the submissive to explore their sensuality safely.  They never have to be afraid that their Dom is going to do something they don’t want, or will hurt them physically or mentally.  They can give up all control, and be free from making the decisions. Dominants benefit from set rules also because it takes the guess-work out of what their sub will and won’t do. Both individuals will be able to completely let go, and fully enjoy living the lifestyle.

There are two kinds of limits- soft vs hard:

Soft

These are things that the sub maybe interested in but is hesitant about exploring.  You cannot assume that just because someone has agreed to be a submissive that they are OK with everything. The boundaries of soft limits are flexible as the Dom sees fit and the submissive agrees to push and expand slowly.  However, once something has been decided upon (hopefully in a contract) it can be freely asked or demanded.  Get your free Dom/sub contract here.

Some examples are: oral sex, swallowing semen, nipple clamps, spanking, flogging, being blindfolded, butt plugs, gagging, wax play, and bondage with tape.

Another soft limit is the sub’s tolerance of receiving pain, which can be worked up slowly and with consent.  Light bruises might be acceptable and tolerable, but permanent scars or marks may not be. Always discuss what types of pain, punishments, and discipline are allowed, and the intensity and severity of each.

Hard

Both parties need to specify what they won’t do, and respect it.  Examples could be things like: choking, anal sex, electro play, fisting, needles, suspension bondage, whipping, caning, fire play, and blood/urine/feces. Doms can have boundaries too.  The point is, no one should be pressured to do something that they are uncomfortable with.

Limits can change over time, and some can be more fluid than others.  For example, a sub may only be comfortable with something like rimming on some occasions, but their Dom has to ask first.  And sometimes boundaries can soften in the presence of alcohol, but even so, the Dom should always make sure the sub really wants to and is giving their full consent.

Dom/sub requirement limits

Requirements are not always talked about online when discussing the subject of limits but they deserve to be mentioned. These would be things that a partner has to have. It could be, “I need you to pull my hair when we have sex in doggie style.”  Or, “If a punishment makes me cry, good aftercare is a must.”  Get your free aftercare checklist here.

Remember: Safewords can help establish limits too. If a couple is exploring something new like anal play, safewords can help guide the Dom as to what is acceptable and what is too far.  One of the roles of a good Dom is to push the boundaries of their sub a little, to see what they are and aren’t OK with.

What to do if limits aren’t respected

If boundaries aren’t respected it really depends on the situation and the individuals involved. Sometimes for a seemingly minor offense the Dom could be warned never to do that again. But for more major breaches of trust, submissive always has the power to terminate the relationship.  And it’s always a good idea to discuss beforehand the consequences of breaking a contract.

So as you can see, limits are for the benefit of everyone involved, and are in no way restrictive.  To make it easier for you, try creating a list, either by yourself or with your partner.  Ultimately this will bring more pleasure and trust to the relationship. 🖤

What are your feelings on limits? Share your hard and soft list below.

Read more about etiquette in the lifestyle »