Tag Archives: Beginner

The Ultimate Guide to a Safe BDSM Lifestyle

In the BDSM community there is a saying: Safe, Sane, Consensual, or SSC. Whether you are new to the Dom/sub lifestyle or have been playing for a long time, this is the foundation for any D/s relationship. You should always follow these three principles and so should your partner.  But what does Safe, Sane, Consensual mean in real life? Here’s how to practically implement SSC, so you can enjoy the lifestyle to the full.

safe sane consensual dom sub lifestyle consent BDSM SSC

Safe

Before engaging in BDSM, there should alway  be a discussion of limits, both hard and soft.  Respect these at all times.  All effort should be made to make a scene as safe as possible, especially for the Dominant setting it up.  Examples include:

  • Having scissors nearby to quickly cut ropes that are too tight, cable ties, etc.
  • Agreeing beforehand a safe gesture instead of a word if choking is acceptable.  And if the gesture involves the arms/hands, having these free at all times during choking.
  • Taking steps to avoid severe burns and fires during wax play.

Of course there are MANY more safety issues but the point is they need to be communicated, identified, and prevented.  Nobody wants an embarrassing visit to the emergency room or to have to call the fire department.

Sane

Both the Dom and the sub should be adults in a sound state of mind.  Even though BDSM is a form of therapy for some, if there are severe mental health issues present make sure to address them with a professional.

Also under the principle of “Sane”: Don’t do anything stupid! For example, if you want to play rape, don’t kidnap your partner in public and attack them. You will most likely end up in jail.

“Sane” also implies that all parties are honest about their intentions, expectations, abilities, training, and experience levels.

You can learn more about fake and abusive Doms or subs here.

Consensual

This is probably the core of BDSM and what many vanillas  cannot wrap their heads around.  All parties involved need to really WANT this. Hopefully there is a contract or at the very least safewords.

Download your FREE contract here.

Even with consensual non-consent there should be a prior discussion and an extreme amount of trust.  No one should ever reluctantly practice BDSM just to make someone else happy.  From simple kink to Total Power Exchange, from playful spankings to hardcore punishments, EVERYTHING has to be consensual.

You can learn more about consensual non-consent here.

Always keep and respect the three principles of SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual) .  They are what separates BDSM from criminal abuse or neurotic self-destructive behavior.  Have fun, but make sure to always play responsibly. 🖤

What does safe, sane, consensual mean to you?  Chat with me in the comments.

Keep reading:  How to enjoy bondage safely »

8 Bondage Ideas + Tips Even if You’re a BDSM Beginner

Bondage is one of the fundamental aspects of BDSM.  It may seem like just a sex kink, but it’s so much more than rope ties, tying someone up, or being tied.  Real physical and emotional gratification comes from bondage.  How can you get started and enjoy it safely, even if you’re a beginner?  Here are 8 ideas plus tips to inspire you.

Bondage Bdsm Contract Ideas Beginner  Sex Tips  Rope ties Kink Tied up Tying up

Be sure to read all the BDSM safety tips first! Click here »

1.  Cable zip ties

I thought I’d start with one of my favorite ideas.  Zip ties are used to hold together cables or wires and are made out of a plastic-like nylon.  They usually come in clear or black and are really easy to use.  Simply put them around the wrists like handcuffs, thread the tail through the loop, and they’re locked.

I like them because they are super strong, and the material can cut into my skin when I struggle.  They can leave nice marks too.  The ties come in different sizes so make sure to buy the longer ones.  They are easy to get out of quickly because you just cut them to release them.

The only down side is that they are not reusable, but you can buy a lot of them really cheap, so they’re great for a beginner.

2.  Suit tie ideas

This is a really sexy way to enjoy bondage even if you are a beginner or in a vanilla relationship.  A man’s tie, made of silk or satin, is the perfect size and length to get started with bondage.

There are many ways to use one.  It can be used to tie the hands behind the back of the body, or in the front.  Once the wrists are tied, the Dom could tie the end to a bed frame or another piece of furniture.  It can also be secured around the sub’s neck like a traditional tie, and used as a leash to lead them around.

It’s versatile enough to be used as a blindfold or even a beginner gag.  Really the possibilities are endless.

3.  Spreader bar

Another fun piece of BDSM equipment, a spreader bar is used to keep the limbs apart.  It is usually attached to the ankles and the bar’s length is increased to open the legs wider.

Some spreader bars also have cuffs for the wrists too, so the hands are attached right next to the feet.  This gives the Dom easy access to do to the sub whatever they wish.  If the spreader bar has a key make sure beforehand that it works properly and it is within reach at all times.

4.  Handcuffs

These can be really thrilling to use because they play into the whole “bad cop” fantasy.  Metal ones are nice because they can press into the skin and give a masochistic sub more pleasure.  As with all of the previous bondage ideas there are a lot of hand placement options.

They can even be hooked through something overhead like a clothes rod while the sub is standing.  Just be careful not to make them too tight because they could do some real damage.  And make sure the key works and is accessible.  No one likes to make an embarrassing call to a locksmith.

5.  Beginner Rope bondage tips

This is probably the best known tool for bondage and doesn’t require a trip to a sex store.  Rope can be used to tie a sub in lots of different positions.  “Hog tie,” where the hands are tied to the feet behind the back, makes the sub extremely vulnerable.

The best beginner rope is subjective, but I prefer smooth, usually nylon so it doesn’t chafe the skin.  If you like it to feel rough then I recommend a natural fiber like manila hemp.  In our bedroom we have ropes tied to the four corners of our bed at all times.  My Dom will use more rope or cable ties to attach me to the corners in various positions.

When we are done playing the rope can be tucked back under the bed out of sight and ready for the next play session.  People who enjoy being tied up in BDSM are usually called “Rope Bunnies”.

6.  Shibari/Kinbaku bondage

Shibari and Kinbaku are two terms to describe a type of Japanese bondage.  Although the words are sometimes used interchangeably they are actually two different things.  Shibari usually refers to general, artistic rope tying, while Kinbaku is a more sexual form of it.

Today you can see rope Masters performing intricate bondage styles at different shows and events.  The art is more in the ritualistic way it is done than in the finished project.  There are also many designs and techniques like the crotch rope tie, Strappado bondage (where the hands are tied behind and pulled up), and suspension bondage.

See a picture of me enjoying Shibari here.

7.  BDSM collar with “O” ring

My play collar has a big “O” ring on the front of it that can be used for many things.  A Dom could use zip ties, a suit tie, or ropes to secure the sub’s hands to the collar.  A traditional leash or chain can also be hooked onto it to keep the sub restrained.

Some collars have “O” rings in multiple places so the sub can be bound from the back of the neck too.  Look for a well made collar that is comfortable but strong enough to take a lot of pulling.  See more ideas for collars here.

8.  Tips for when restraints become undone

Sometimes, despite a Dom’s best tying skills, a restraint may come undone.  It’s going to happen.  There’s no need to be embarrassed, get frustrated, or end a scene.  If a sub notices that a rope is coming loose for instance they can just playfully say, “Master, I think my restraints need to be tighter.”

Or if a Dom sees that a sub is getting loose even in a rape play scene, they can stay in character and just quickly retie them.  The point is to just fix it without making a big deal of it, and to continue to enjoy yourself.

Hopefully I made your next trip to your local hardware store a little more interesting.  Obviously we just scratched the surface of BDSM bondage but these eight ideas and tips should get your creative juices flowing.  Have fun!  🖤

What are your favorite bondage ideas or tips?  Let me know in the comments.

Keep reading:  Using Safewords »

A Beginner’s Guide to BDSM and Dom/sub

Many people who are curious about BDSM want to know the quickest way to get started. When you’re just a beginner, it can be really frustrating to try and figure out what a Dominant or submissive is all about.  If you don’t get started the right way, you’re going to waste a lot of time and effort as you try to create a Dom/sub lifestyle.  But dominance and submission is just one aspect of BDSM.  What’s the best way to quickly start putting it all into practice? This guide covers everything you need to know.  Enjoy!

*If you want to help your partner be more dominant, submissive, or kinky, be sure to check out my new workshop.*

Beginner Guide Bdsm Dom Sub Dominant Submissive Submission

BDSM is an acronym for bondage and discipline (B&D), dominance and submission (D&S), and sadism and masochism (S&M)

B- Bondage

Bondage is one of the fundamental aspects of a Dominant/submissive relationship.  It may seem like just a kinky fetish, but real sexual gratification comes from bondage. The pleasure is derived from rendering the restrained person vulnerable to a variety of sex acts.

Read more:  8 Ways to Enjoy Bondage (Click here)

D- Discipline

Every Dominant/submissive relationship has to have discipline and punishments. After all, no sub is perfect.  Correction is needed from time to time when they break the rules.  Doms need to know how to punish effectively though, because subs can feel neglected when it isn’t done in the proper way.

Read more:  How to Punish a Sub Effectively (Click here)

D- Dominance (Dom)

In the BDSM world, “Dominant” is a word that’s thrown around a lot.  Being a Dom can seem very appealing.  Most are men who want to be more dominant in bed, but also in their relationships, and even in life in general.  But unfortunately, there are a lot of fake doms out there who are not worthy of submission.  Therefore, make sure you know what it truly means to be a real Dom.

Read more:  The Ultimate Guide to Being a Dominant (Click here)

S- Submission (Sub)

Serving a Dominant is a very fulfilling lifestyle.  However, many submissive beginners are lost.  They don’t know what the role entails.  Many times they are just looking for someone to fix them, to make them feel more complete.  In all honesty though, being a sub is a lot of work, mentally, emotionally, and sexually.  Make sure you know what it truly means to be a good sub.

Read more:  The Ultimate Guide to Being a Submissive (Click here)

S- Sadism

Sadism involves getting pleasure form inflicting pain, suffering, or humiliation on someone else.  When practicing sadism, always keep and respect the three principles of SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual).  This is what separates BDSM from criminal abuse or neurotic, psychopathic behavior.  Have fun, but make sure to always play responsibly.

Read more:  The Ultimate Guide to a Safe BDSM Lifestyle (Click here)

M- Masochism

Even if you enjoy receiving pain or being humiliated, it has to be done with a sound mind.  One of the best ways to make sure you’re not just engaging in self-destructive behavior is to set limits. Even if you don’t have a BDSM partner yet, it’s good to have your boundaries clear in mind so you’ll be prepared when you’re ready to start playing.

Read more: Limits: Learn What’s Hard and Soft (Click here)


Now that we’ve gone over everything the BDSM acronym stands for, you may now be wondering, How do I get started in the lifestyle?

Check out: How to Go from Vanilla to BDSM and kink (Click here)

If you’re totally ready to start playing now, but you don’t have a partner yet, no problem!

Check out: Exactly What to Do When You Don’t Have a Partner (Click here)

Lastly, if you’re a beginner and want to really become a satisfied full-time Dom or sub, make sure you subscribe to my FREE newsletter to get access to exclusive content I don’t share here on the blog.  Click here to sign up for the free newsletter

Being a beginner is an exciting time on your BDSM journey.  Remember, you shouldn’t compare where you are and where someone else is in practicing the lifestyle.  Be proud of yourself for being a beginner and continue to use this guide and educate yourself as much as you can.  In time, you’ll be an experienced Dom or sub, and will be able to help other beginners on their journey as well. 🖤

If you could tell beginners one thing about being in the BDSM community what would it be?  Let me know in the comments below.

Keep reading:  Newbie myths you need to stop believing >>