Tag Archives: Contract

Total Power Exchange Relationships: Ultimate Guide

When I was a beginner submissive, I was eager to make my new BDSM lifestyle a 24/7 agreement.  My Dominant and I had a contract, but I wanted to be a full-time slave, unable to ever be released.  We read online about Total Power Exchange relationships and we knew this was our ultimate goal.  I can proudly say we are now TPE. It has brought so much more meaning to our roles as Dom and sub. But making the switch wasn’t easy.  This guide will help you to not make the same mistakes we did. You’ll also see some examples of how to make it work.

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What is the real meaning of Total Power Exchange?

On the outside, a Total Power Exchange relationship can look like abuse. Sadly, a lot of subs can confuse the two.  TPE is not abuse.  Simply put, it’s an exchange where all authority is passed from the submissive to the Dominant.  It’s a consensual relationship where the Dom has absolute control, and can exercise that control however they see fit.  If you are unsure whether or not your relationship is TPE or abuse, let your instincts be your guide.  The goal should be for both partners to feel more fulfilled and taken care of.  And no matter what anyone says, the sub always has the right to get out of an abusive relationship.

Who is a TPE agreement good for?

Even though Total Power Exchange might look abusive to vanillas, it can bring incredible meaning and happiness to a Dom/sub couple.  I don’t recommend entering a TPE relationship unless you’ve known the person for a very long time, and you 100%, completely trust them.  This goes for both the Dom and the sub.  The Dominant should already be showing they respect their sub, and uphold the “safe, sane, consensual” principles of BDSM.  And the submissive should be mentally stable, and not using TPE as an excuse to be made weak.  After all, the sub can still make some of their own decisions and choices, if the Dom allows them to.

Can online relationships be TPE?

Online relationships most definitely can be Total Power Exchange, but to a degree.  Even though the sub gives up all their power, it will be hard for the Dom to exercise complete control over their sub’s life from a distance.  In these kinds of relationships, TPE will be more of a mindset, and the Dom will have to be extra diligent in finding ways to incorporate it into their lives.

You can check out my guide for online and long-distance relationships here to give you some ideas.

Examples of Total Power Exchange

Although a Total Power Exchange relationship can be any form of Dom/sub, like DD/lg, Owner/pet, or Boss/secretary, it is most likely a Master/slave agreement.  Just like in real life a Master has complete and total control over a slave, so it also is in TPE.  Here are some examples of what it can look like in BDSM:

  • Controlling the slave’s finances and career
  • Choosing the slave’s clothing, diet, and other aspects of day to day life
  • Establishing and enforcing non-negotiable rules and protocols
  • Using the slave whenever and however sexually

(Feel free to share your favorite examples of TPE in the comments below.)

Do you still need a contract?

Since the meaning of Total Power Exchange is that nothing prohibits the Dom from having all control, a contract might seem contradictory.  I don’t think that’s completely the case though.  A contract can lay out the fact that the relationship is a TPE agreement, and list the expectations and requirements of the sub still.  However since there usually aren’t safewords or hard and soft limits in TPE, these probably won’t be covered in the contract.

You can read my guide on contracts here for more examples of what you can include.

Even though a Total Power Exchange can be the ultimate goal for those who practice BDSM, it should never be rushed into.  If you wish to enter this type of arrangement, make sure you fully understand first the true meaning of it, and what is involved.  I don’t regret for one second entering a TPE relationship with my Dom, and I hope it can be successful for you too.

What challenges have you faced with Total Power Exchange? Let me know in the comments.

Keep reading:  How to make it work as a ‘Switch’ >>

BDSM Limits: Learn What’s Hard and Soft

Limits are a topic that is sure to come up in any Dom/sub relationship or contract negotiation. Even if you don’t have a BDSM partner yet, it’s good to have your boundaries clear in mind so you’ll be prepared when you’re ready to start playing. But what exactly is the difference between hard and soft limits? Here, we’ll define what limits can mean for you, and I’ll even give you some examples.

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Why have limits in BDSM?

Having limits while engaging in BDSM allows the submissive to explore their sensuality safely.  They never have to be afraid that their Dom is going to do something they don’t want, or will hurt them physically or mentally.  They can give up all control, and be free from making the decisions. Dominants benefit from set rules also because it takes the guess-work out of what their sub will and won’t do. Both individuals will be able to completely let go, and fully enjoy living the lifestyle.

There are two kinds of limits- soft vs hard:

Soft

These are things that the sub maybe interested in but is hesitant about exploring.  You cannot assume that just because someone has agreed to be a submissive that they are OK with everything. The boundaries of soft limits are flexible as the Dom sees fit and the submissive agrees to push and expand slowly.  However, once something has been decided upon (hopefully in a contract) it can be freely asked or demanded.  Get your free Dom/sub contract here.

Some examples are: oral sex, swallowing semen, nipple clamps, spanking, flogging, being blindfolded, butt plugs, gagging, wax play, and bondage with tape.

Another soft limit is the sub’s tolerance of receiving pain, which can be worked up slowly and with consent.  Light bruises might be acceptable and tolerable, but permanent scars or marks may not be. Always discuss what types of pain, punishments, and discipline are allowed, and the intensity and severity of each.

Hard

Both parties need to specify what they won’t do, and respect it.  Examples could be things like: choking, anal sex, electro play, fisting, needles, suspension bondage, whipping, caning, fire play, and blood/urine/feces. Doms can have boundaries too.  The point is, no one should be pressured to do something that they are uncomfortable with.

Limits can change over time, and some can be more fluid than others.  For example, a sub may only be comfortable with something like rimming on some occasions, but their Dom has to ask first.  And sometimes boundaries can soften in the presence of alcohol, but even so, the Dom should always make sure the sub really wants to and is giving their full consent.

Dom/sub requirement limits

Requirements are not always talked about online when discussing the subject of limits but they deserve to be mentioned. These would be things that a partner has to have. It could be, “I need you to pull my hair when we have sex in doggie style.”  Or, “If a punishment makes me cry, good aftercare is a must.”  Get your free aftercare checklist here.

Remember: Safewords can help establish limits too. If a couple is exploring something new like anal play, safewords can help guide the Dom as to what is acceptable and what is too far.  One of the roles of a good Dom is to push the boundaries of their sub a little, to see what they are and aren’t OK with.

What to do if limits aren’t respected

If boundaries aren’t respected it really depends on the situation and the individuals involved. Sometimes for a seemingly minor offense the Dom could be warned never to do that again. But for more major breaches of trust, submissive always has the power to terminate the relationship.  And it’s always a good idea to discuss beforehand the consequences of breaking a contract.

So as you can see, limits are for the benefit of everyone involved, and are in no way restrictive.  To make it easier for you, try creating a list, either by yourself or with your partner.  Ultimately this will bring more pleasure and trust to the relationship. 🖤

What are your feelings on limits? Share your hard and soft list below.

Read more about etiquette in the lifestyle »