Tag Archives: long-distance relationships

How to Punish a Sub Effectively

How to punish a sub over text BDSM Dom submissive Dominant ideas

Every Dominant/submissive relationship should have punishments. After all, the “D” in BDSM stands for discipline, and no sub is perfect.  Correction (even over text) is needed from time to time when they break the rules.  But many Doms struggle with ideas for knowing how to punish.  And a sub can feel neglected when it isn’t done in the proper way.

Here are some things to keep in mind for a punishment to be successful, and don’t forget to download your free master list of ideas here.

Punishments need to have a reason

The main goal of any punishment is so the sub will learn from it.  The Dom disciplines to discourage unacceptable conduct, and to ensure that the sub fully appreciates their role.  A sub should always know why they are being punished.

In fact, it is good etiquette to say beforehand, “You are being punished because…” or to ask, “Why are you being punished?”  This keeps the focus on the behavior that needs to change. That way the sub doesn’t feel like it’s themselves that the Dom doesn’t like.

Punishments for littles can be for things a real Daddy would punish for: not cleaning their room, spending too much time on their phone, etc.

The punishment should fit the crime

Failure to comply with any rules should always result in some sort of punsishment. The harshness should be determined by the severity of the misdeed.  For example, if a sub waits 15 minutes to respond to a Dom’s texts, an intense paddling would probably be too much.

For softer punishments my Dom likes to make me remove my panties for the day, or have me wear Ben Wa Balls. (These punishments also work for long distance D/s relationships.)

On the other hand, if a sub has committed a major offense, corporal punishment will probably be required.  Quite a few times I’ve made my Dom mad enough to make him spank me so long and hard that I’ve bawled into my pillow.

Don’t go too soft when you punish

There is nothing worse than expecting a hard punishment and getting off with “a slap on the wrist”, or worse: no punishment at all.  Some subs perform best when they are disciplined at least daily, others every other day, or even once a week.

Look for patterns.  If a sub seems to stop trying so hard to please their Dom then a good punishment is probably in order.  Again, we are all imperfect human beings and there is always some correction in behavior that can be found.

Many Doms who are new to BDSM may hold back, fearing they are going too far, especially if a sub starts crying.  But that is where trust in their safewords comes in.  If it gets too painful, physically, emotionally, or mentally, a sub has the right to safeword.

One way to gauge how painful a punishmetnt is can be to make the sub count each time they are hit.  My Dom usually will spank me five times, making me count after each one so he can tell in my voice if he is going too hard or soft.  Another idea is to have the sub recite a phrase after each hit, like, “I am Daddy’s little girl.”

Timing is crucial (even over text message)

Usually a sub knows when they mess up, and they dread the after-effects of displeasing their Dom. If the Dom completely forgets to punish or even puts it off it is less affective.

Sometimes a little bit of time can grow the anticipation and force the sub to meditate on what they did, but generally punishments should happen by the end of the day.  If it’s a long distance D/s relationship, and you want to know how to punish a sub over text, still keep in mind the timing when administering discipline.

Anything later than a day misses the goal of teaching the sub so they will learn to never do it again.  It is like waiting too long after your dog has an accident to rub their nose in it.  Subs need to see that their Doms care enough about the relationship to take the time to discipline them.

BDSM punishment ideas

It needs to be emphasized that the subject of discipline should always be discussed beforehand to keep things consensual and safe.  A written contract can list the types of punishments that are acceptable, and the severity that is agreed on.

  • Spanking-  My favorite I love to hate.  Usually done on the bed without clothes on.  Using the Dom’s bare hand has the advantage of keeping the physical connection between both parties.  It also prevents him from doing serious damage because he will have the pain in his hand as a gauge.
  • Paddling-  Administered like a spanking but uses an object like an actual paddle, ruler, hair brush, etc.
  • Whipping-  Belts can do serious damage so this is better when done lightly.
  • Biting-  Usually done during a sexual encounter when a sub displeases the Dom.
  • Delayed orgasm-  Either for a minute or a day, to remind a sub that their Dom has the power over their sexual fullillment.
  • Brazilian wax-  Making a sub get this done will only work if they don’t currently enjoy doing this.
  • Get your free master list with 30+ more ways

So there you have it: the basics of BDSM punishments. Keep these suggestions and ideas in mind and your D/s relationship will continue to fulfillment and bring greater fulfillment.  🖤

What are your thoughts on discipline?  Share your ideas for punishment in the comments.

Keep reading: How to keep things safe »

7 Things You Need to Know About BDSM During This Uncertain Time

Last week my inbox was flooded with questions from my members…

“How can we avoid going back to vanilla while we’re stuck at home?”

“Should I keep looking for a partner?”

“Should we take a break from BDSM since the kids are off school?”

“How can we stay Dom & sub while we are separated by quarantine?”

I wasn’t planning to do this blog post, but I know it’s what you need to hear.

I answer all of the above questions and more. It’s from the heart and I know you will get a lot of value from it.

Be sure to also get your FREE BDSM resource list for when everything is crazy. Click here to download!

BDSM sick crisis Dom sub Coronavirus Covid-19

1. Keep up with your Dom/sub routines

Routines and rituals are an important part of any healthy BDSM relationship. They help the Dominant and submissive remember their roles, and can be a way to stay centered and focused during the COVID-19 crises.

Creating powerful and easy Dom/sub rituals (that don’t fizzle out during weeks of quarantine) can be challenging though.  So here are some proven examples of D/s rules and protocols to help you pass the time:

  • Kneeling
  • A morning text
  • Shaving
  • Preparing and serving coffee or tea
  • Punishments

It’s also important that submissives still wear their collar. Some subs might have the ritual that they put their day collar on when they leave the house. But if self-isolating is keeping them home, a sub might not wear their collar at all for days or weeks.

Having the Dom put on a sub’s collar is a simple routine you can do everyday to keep both people in the mindset. See ideas for different collars here.

2. Enjoy BDSM when the kids are home – the right way

Living the lifestyle while you have children off from school can be very challenging. You want to enjoy BDSM but at the same time you may be afraid about exposing your children to it. I completely understand. I have two small children myself so I know it can be hard, but there are many steps you can take.

Even if you are still enjoying kink in the bedroom it can be difficult to know how to take your Dom/sub lifestyle into everyday life. It’s not impossible though. There are many ways that my Dom and I are still able to do this even during a shelter in place.

In Lesson 6 of my course Dom Sub Training, I share our 6 specific hacks to not let your roles of Dad and Mom interfere with being a Dom and sub. With careful planning and some creativity, you can still have the BDSM lifestyle you want even with children home from school.

3. Stay connected to your partner if you have to be apart

Self-isolating and quarantines are hard, but especially for those that are Dom/sub.  It can be difficult to keep the dynamic going when you’re apart and problems and issues arise.

Even if you’re apart for just a day, or the pandemic makes it so you’re separated for months, virtual D/s relationship can still succeed.  Both the Dominant and submissive have to work at it though.

Remember, being apart isn’t easy, but so is anything worth fighting for. Follow my rules and tips in this article and you’re sure to have success. If you can trust, respect, and support each other when you’re apart, imagine how powerful your bond will be once you’re together. 

4. You can still find a partner and meet others in the BDSM community

Finding others in the kink community can be very intimidating and scary, even when there’s not a global virus going around. The good news is there are lots of ways to connect to BDSM groups and individuals online still.

Social distancing doesn’t have to keep you from meeting others in the BDSM community. If you’re a Dom Sub Training member, be sure to check out my exclusive resource guide in Lesson 7. In it I share:

  • The best websites for meeting new people
  • Online events and groups I love to hang out at
  • Kink friendly online therapists and educators
  • My favorite websites for Dom/sub help

And if you don’t have a partner currently, be sure to also check out this free article.

free BDSM resource list

5. Find ways to serve your partner even if you get sick

Even if you’re fortunate enough to not get the Coronavirus, it’s still the cold and flu season. Getting sick at some point in your relationship is bound to happen, but that doesn’t mean you stop being a Dom or sub. There are lots of small ways to still serve your partner, even if you happen to get sick:

For the Dominant:

  • Assign your sub tasks to complete
  • Enjoy simple bondage, like tying your sub’s hands together
  • Give your sub journal prompts
  • Reassure them of your approval

For the submissive:

  • Prioritize your self-care
  • Adapt your duties if necessary
  • Communicate with your Dom through your journal
  • Express to them that they are still needed and wanted

6. Wash your toys (and hands)

While we all know that we should be washing our hands regularly (hopefully), good hygiene shouldn’t stop there. The Coronavirus is spread through respiratory droplets, including saliva, and by touching contaminated surfaces. So pretty much everything you touch!

You should always clean your sex toys and BDSM gear regularly, but now is the perfect opportunity to make sure it gets done.

Cleaning your toys and gear is easy! Of course the cleaning method will depend on the type of material, so first always consult the manufacturer’s instructions. But here are some general tips:

  1. Wash with hot water and soap after each use
  2. Rinse with a solution of at least 70% alcohol OR 2% bleach (1 tsp per 1 cup water)
  3. Use alcohol wipes on items you can’t submerge
  4. Some items can also be sanitized by boiling them
  5. Allow to air dry thoroughly before using

Need reminders of everything that should be cleaned? Here’s a cheat sheet:

  • Vibrators
  • Plugs and dildos
  • Lube containers
  • Leashes & collars
  • Cuffs
  • Nipple clamps
  • Ball gags
  • Leather crops, floggers, and wips
  • Paddles and canes
  • Ben Wa Balls

Cleaning and sanitizing your toys (and house) is the perfect task to assign to a submissive while they’re on lockdown.

7. Avoid the vanilla rut while you’re stuck at home together

I guarantee you that this is a problem that many people in the lifestyle are dealing with right now. We’re all stressed. Between job lay offs, kids being home, quarantines, and the news media reports, it seems like life is so chaotic right now. Here are some quick tips to keep you in your role as a Dom or a sub:

  • Shop for new toys and gear, even if you don’t buy

One of the best ways to beat the vanilla rut is to bring new items into your play sessions. If you don’t have extra money to spend because of the economy right now, even “window shopping” online can be a fun, sexy activity you can do.

Two of my favorite online stores are: Luxurious Bliss for BDSM toys and gear, and KinkyCloth for BDSM, DDlg, pet play, and rope bunny clothes and gear.

  • Take an online BDSM course or workshop

Online courses are a great way to pass the time, because you can communicate and experiment together still, even while you’re stuck at home or separated.

An online training program will also help you deal with the issues and problems of a long-distance relationship. You’ll have a detailed, step-by-step plan to have a better, more satisfying connection, and to take your BDSM relationship to the next level.

*If you want to help your partner be more dominant, submissive, or kinky, be sure to check out my new workshop.*

An eCourse is also a great way for both of you to have an online mentor and coach during this stressful time, giving you reliable advice and tips to help you every step of the way.

  • Watch a BDSM movie

This is probably the easiest activity to do to keep you in the Dom/sub mindset. You can see my favorite recommendation here.

  • Make time for regular scenes

After days and weeks of quarantine the realities of your vanilla life begin to set in. A Dom and sub may become preoccupied or complacent and start to put their roles on the back burner. Having regular scenes, at least once a week, is the perfect way to keep a sub eager to serve and also prevent a Dom from neglecting their partner.


It’s not “same old same old” right now. We all feel it.

And although I do NOT have all the answers… I am committed to showing up for you in my imperfect, sometimes awkward way, and sharing what I can to help.

I am committed to supporting, serving, and helping you as much as I can during this time (and always and forever).

Let me know in the comments what questions or challenges you’re facing and I’ll do what I can to provide resources.

I am doubling down on showing up for you now more than ever, because we need each other now more than ever.

Stay safe out there. 🖤

Please click the share buttons below to help others during this uncertain time

free BDSM resource list