Tag Archives: Meaning

5 Things You Need to Know About Consensual Non-Consent

One of the most debated but rarely explained topics in the BDSM community is consensual non-consent, or CNC.  The real definition of this type of D/s relationship is one of deep trust, not abuse.  And even though the sex fantasy of rape play is pretty common, this kink is still a taboo topic.  What is the real meaning of consensual non-consent? And do you still need a contract or agreement?  Let’s look closer at CNC, plus I have some stimulating ideas and examples to get you started.

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Consensual non-consent vs. rape fantasy explained

Before we begin discussing everything you need to know about CNC, we need to first understand how it differs from rape play.  Even though the two are very similar, rape fantasy or play rape, usually just refers to the sexual act, whereas consensual non-consent can encompass all aspects of a D/s relationship.

Some people use the terms interchangeably, and even rape play is a fantasy for many “vanilla” people. Feel free to use whichever term you’re comfortable with, but always make sure everything is safe, sane, and consensual.

1.  Consensual non-consent meaning in BDSM

The definition for consensual non-consent is a mutual agreement where the Dom is able to act as if the sub has waived all consent. Complete consent is given beforehand, with the understanding of it being a permanent arrangement under most circumstances.

The bottom line is that this is something the sub has willingly said they wanted.  The “non-consensual” part also means that sometimes the Dom may have to make the sub obey if she refuses.

Why would a sub, and especially a slave, say “no” if they already gave their total submission? Simply put, because subs and slaves aren’t robots.  They have feelings, needs, wants, and imperfections too.  They may disagree with the Dom, and voice it, but they still ultimately want to serve and be used.

If you’re still confused as to the meaning of consensual non-consent, here is what it means to me:

“I like it even when I don’t like it.  I want it even when I don’t want it.”

2.  Do you need safewords or a contract in CNC?

Since trust is so important in consensual non-consent I would say that safewords are preferred.  Safewords make everything clear.  Of course it’s a good practice for a Dom to remind a sub that they have safewords during an intense scene.

We usually think trust has to do with the sub trusting the Dom, but the Dom has to equally be able to trust their sub.  “No means no” in a court of law, regardless if it’s a D/s relationship, or even if there’s a BDSM contract or agreement.  A Dom needs to know that the sub is completely willing, even if they’re yelling and crying for something to stop.

If you are in a 24/7 relationship, in your contract or agreement you can discuss removing safewords in certain situations, like during punishments.

For example, some couples don’t allow safewords at all in non-consensual play, as they feel it gives the submissive too much control.  An example of this type of D/s relationship is a total power exchange relationship, or TPE.

Download your FREE BDSM contract by clicking the image below:

Free BDSM contract

3.  Subdrop and aftercare will be different

After a play session, a sub might act completely different if conensual non-consent was involved.  After a scene I usually like to cuddle, but if we did some forceful, hard playing I can’t stand to be held.

My Dom knows that it’s difficult for me to receive affection after consensual non-consent, so he’ll give me my space and just maybe rest a hand on my shoulder.  It’s not uncommon for a sub to get upset and angry, almost as if they were really abused.

This is because the mind and body are so connected.  If a sub’s body is abused in a non-pleasurable way, their mind will begin to associate with that emotionally.

During subdrop they will slowly start to feel safe and in control again.  It’s extremely important for the Dom to respect this and not get offended during this time, but to continue to provide aftercare.

4.  Rape play is more than just a kink fantasy

Many BDSM players may use the terms rape play and consensual non-consent interchangeably, but as we discussed at the beginning, they are not the same thing.  Rape play is just one small aspect of a CNC kink.  Even those in a vanilla relationship may have that fantasy.

For some victims of past abuse though, acting it out can be very therapeutic.  To them CNC can have a bigger meaning.  It can be a way to relive the experience, knowing that they now have the power to make it stop.

If you are going to engage in rape play with someone, make sure limits are clearly discussed/included in your contract or agreement.  For example, vaginal rape may be acceptable, but anal may not be.

5.   Ideas for D/s sex and beyond

There are many ways to engage in consensual non-consent, both sexual and non-sexual. If you are in a BDSM relationship, or even if you just play part-time, here are some ideas and examples:

  • The Dom can dress up like an actual attacker (if they wear a mask, make sure at least part of the face is visible so the sub knows it’s not a real attacker)
  • Use rope to tie up the sub and gag them during sex
  • Enforce punishments that the sub will not like
  • Engage in pain play that tests the sub’s limits

See 30+ punishment ideas here »

Another example of a CNC kink situation is somnophilia.  The definition of somnophila is a kink where the Dominant performs sex acts on the submissive while they are unconscious or asleep.  The sub would have to give their consent to this situation beforehand.  This is actually a sex kink that my Dom and I enjoy on occasion.

Consensual non-consent is probably one of my favorite aspects of a BDSM lifestyle, and brings more meaning to my D/s relationship.  Sex can be so much more thrilling when you didn’t say yes.

Forcing someone to do something, or being forced yourself, can be very alluring.  Hopefully now that we’ve explained this hotly debated topic and you have some fun ideas, you can begin to safely experience it too.  🖤

Free BDSM contract

How do you feel about consensual non-consent?  Share your thoughts and ideas in the comments.

Keep reading:   How to enjoy the lifestyle safely »

10 Ways to Have Better Aftercare

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During a BDSM scene or other kink activities, the Dominant and submissive can experience a huge endorphin rush.  It can be a shock when it is all over, for Doms and for subs.  A proper checklist helps prevent this.  It’s a way for those in a D/s (Dom/sub) relationship to calm back down. If your aftercare kit has room for improvement, or worse, is nonexistent, then these ideas can help. But first, let’s cover the definition of aftercare and the meaning of subdrop.

Want a free checklist to help you get the most out of aftercare?  Click the button below and send it to your partner too! 

Definition of aftercare and meaning of subdrop

What exactly is aftercare? Here is the actual definition:

“Aftercare refers to the attention given to a sub at the end of a scene. It often includes the Dom utilizing various pampering techniques on the sub in an effort to provide comfort after having an intense experience that can leave them in a vulnerable state.”

Intense pleasure or pain can cause a strong “high”, and when emotions and endorphins come crashing down subdrop can occur. Here is the meaning of subdrop:

“Subdrop is an experience with similar characteristics of depression that occurs after an intense BDSM scene. It is caused by adrenaline and endorphin crashes.”

So as you can see from these definitions, proper aftercare helps prevent subdrop, so the Dom and sub can slowly get back in touch with reality. Keep reading for my top 10 ideas for aftercare.

1.  Cover up the sub

This is probably one of the most simplest things a Dominant forgets to do.  During a scene a submissive’s body temperature usually increases and afterwards it drops, making the sub cold and uncomfortable.  Before a Dom relaxes they should cover up the sub with a blanket.

If the sub was completely naked they are also probably feeling exposed and vulnerable and this simple act can help them feel at ease.  Plus, after a very intense session a sub is usually too exhausted to cover themselves up.

2.  Verbal reassurance from the Dominant

A sub craves to be told that they are good and that they did a good job.  When their Dom says those words to them, it helps them to emotionally relax.  It’s not uncommon for a sub to have doubts and insecurities after a session.  Knowing they have their Dom’s approval gives them immense satisfaction.

If there was rape play or consensual non-consent during a scene, then it is extremely important for the Dom to be caring and calm, even saying, “I love you,” if it’s appropriate for the relationship.

3.  Cuddle

Just like how a sub can be verbally reassured, they can also be physically reassured.  When a Dom holds and cuddles a sub it helps them to feel safe and protected.

Other small ways to make physical contact include snuggling, petting, pats on the head, and forehead kisses.  Feeling their Dom’s strong arms around them can go a long way in helping establish a sense of security in a D/s relationship.

4.  Water

After an intense kink scene, it is a good idea for both parties to rehydrate.  However, it is the Dom’s responsibility to get their sub a glass of water to drink.  Moreover, drinking water can help prevent headaches, muscles aches, and urinary tract infections.

Therefore, having two glasses of water nearby before a BDSM scene starts is a good habit to get into.

5.  Proper clean up

BDSM scenes can be quite dirty.  Sweat, lubes, bodily fluids, wax – they all need to be cleaned up.  The Dom can get a towel and wipe up their sub and themselves.  They can also help straighten things back up and put away any toys and other implements.

Sometimes a shower may be needed and the Dom can help wash the sub.  This can be another opportunity to reconnect.

6.  First-aid kit ideas

A sub may have marks and bruises from a hard and intense kink session.  The Dom can massage limbs that were tied up, and apply lotion to any other sore spots.  Some people swear by arnica cream but any lotion without menthol or alcohol is good.  My favorite to use is one with shea butter.

Having Advil in your kit (brought with the water from tip #4) can help prevent swelling and bruising.

7.  Stuffie

Stuffies, or stuffed toys, are another tool in providing proper aftercare.  Littles especially love stuffies, and having one to cuddle and recuperate with helps them cope and deal with loneliness.  Therefore, a Dom should bring the stuffie to their little after a play session.

On the other hand, if the little doesn’t own a stuffie, this is a good opportunity for the Dom to buy them one.

8.  Orgasm

This one is probably my favorite for obvious reasons.  It may be the farthest thing from their mind after a hard scene but an orgasm can help the sub calm down, and to refocus.

Being beaten and used is a very stressful thing to experience and an orgasm can help a sub release that.  Also the Dom may have already orgasmed and taking care of the sub can help them not feel neglected.

For a simple (and free!) aftercare kit checklist, just CLICK HERE and it will be emailed to you instantly.

9.  Discuss and recap post kink

After all the previous steps have been taken, it’s good for a D/s relationship if both individuals discuss a scene after it’s over.  Doing all the relevant previous steps ensures that they are both calm and relaxed and can talk freely and openly.

This is a good time to figure out what went great, and what you’d like to try next time.

10.  Check-in the next day

Even if you’re married or in a long-term D/s relationship, next day communication is really important.  Subdrop can occur even days after a play session, so even a simple text or phone call can mean a lot.

Journaling can also help a sub to express their emotions productively, and the Dom can even assign a specific writing assignment based on the play session.

Get a FREE printable journal here »

Proper aftercare for Doms in a D/s relationship

Aftercare for Doms is something that rarely gets talked about in the BDSM community. Domdrop is a real occurrence though, and can be prevented with some of the ideas and activities above.

Some of the feelings that a Dom can have include depression, guilt, exhaustion, vulnerability, insecurity, and anxiety. In addition to the above ideas, here is a checklist for Doms:

  • Ask for reassurance from your sub
  • Talk to other Doms in the BDSM community
  • Go to the gym or go for a run
  • Do activities related to a hobby
  • Practice these other self-care tips

A successful D/s relationship depends not just on hardcore scenes, but also on well planned, proper aftercare.  As you can see, there are so many different ways and activities to ensure that this happens, even for Doms.  Communicate what you need and want afterwards, and the play sessions are sure to keep getting better and better.  🖤

What’s your favorite aftercare activity?  Let me know your checklist in the comments.

Keep reading:  10 tips for self-care »

3 reasons why you need to watch the “Secretary”

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Probably one of the best BDSM movies is Secretary.  It stars actors Maggie Gyllenhaal and James Spader as the characters Lee Holloway and E. Edward Grey.  There is so much I love about this movie: the quotes, the horse scene, and the deeper meaning of pain explained.  Here is my review and why it’s one of the best BDSM films out there (and also where to watch it right now).

Here’s a little synopsis first: Secretary is a 2002 Indie film that explores the relationship between a dominant lawyer and his submissive secretary.

1.  The movie “Secretary” explores the issue of self harm with realistic characters

After I had seen the trailer for the movie I just assumed it was about a kinky boss. I didn’t know anything about Lee being a cutter.  As a person who has been involved with self-harm also, it was very hard to watch the cutting scenes. I got a little angry at first, thinking the movie was just stereotyping submissives.

But then I started to think, “Maybe I’m not the only one, maybe there is a correlation.”  If you do practice self harm, or have in the past, I would love to hear about it in the comments.  A big part of the film’s story revolves around Lee’s cutting, so I loved that it talked openly about such a taboo topic.

The only part that was a little disappointing was when Edward tells her, “You will never, ever cut yourself again. Do you understand? Have I made that perfectly clear. You’re over that now. It’s in the past.”

I thought it was a good response for a Dominant to say, but of course she never ends up cutting herself after he says it.  I thought that was a little unrealistic.

2.  It shows BDSM has a deeper meaning than just whips and chains

Secretary isn’t a mainstream erotic movie like 50 Shades of Grey.  I kept wondering why it was given an “R” rating until the very end when there was one sex scene.  Secretary explores what Dominance and submission can look like in real life, and how pain can be so fulfilling.

It also deals with obsessive compulsive disorders and the need for control.  Edward tells her how much to eat, and gives her tasks to do.  One I really liked was when he told Lee to go for a walk.  She obeyed and during her walk she said to herself:

“When I thought about it, I realized I probably never had taken a walk alone. But because he had given me the permission to do this, because he insisted on it. I felt held by him as I walked alone. I felt he was with me.”

To me this really embodies the purpose of rituals and how meaningful they can be.

One of my favorite quotes from the movie is when Lee is sitting at her boss’s desk, with her forearms on the table and she refuses to move.  Her ex-fiance asks her if she’s doing something sexual.  She replies angrily, “Does this look sexual to you?”  It’s a myth that BDSM is only sexual and that part really illustrated that it’s not.

3.  BDSM is never the problem that needs to be fixed or explained

Secretary deals with kink like it’s completely natural, even in the scene where Edward treats Lee like a horse.  In an interview, director Steven Shainberg said he wanted to show that BDSM relationships can be normal.  He didn’t want to do a story where Lee overcomes her cutting and learns she doesn’t need pain anymore.

Lee says to herself at the end of the movie:  “I feel more than I’ve ever felt, and I’ve found someone to feel with, to play with, to love, in a way that feels right for me.”  And Edward learns that his OCD behavior is not something he has to hide from Lee.

The director also said that they could’ve dealt with the  S&M material in a dark way, but they wanted the total opposite: they wanted to show that the nature of the relationship freed the characters to be their natural selves.  And in the end that’s what happens.  Lee and Edward live happily ever after, living their lifestyle 24/7.

I really hope that if you haven’t seen Secretary yet that you do so soon. There are a lot of great quotes in it, and It may give you a new perspective on what a BDSM relationship can be. You can watch it online through Amazon Prime, iTunes, YouTube, Google Play, Vudu, or Hulu.

Have you seen “Secretary”?  What’s one of your favorite quotes from the movie?  Tell me in the comments.

Read more:  How to go from vanilla to Kink  »

How to go from Vanilla to BDSM and Kink

One of the questions I get asked the most is, “How do I go from vanilla to BDSM?” (The definition of vanilla is plain, normal, or boring.) Maybe the person read the book 50 Shades of Grey, or wants to incorporate kink into their relationship or sex life to bring more meaning to it. It can be hard when you are already married or dating and you want to switch to a kinky lifestyle. Here is how to make your journey successful.

*If you want to help your partner be more dominant, submissive, or kinky, be sure to check out my new workshop.*

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Be sure to learn the BDSM essentials and their meaning first by clicking here.

Start with kinky communication (and not just about sex)

One of the awesome things about a D/s lifestyle is that there is usually a whole lot more communication than a vanilla one.  Start by telling your partner what you already like about your relationship.  Then you can begin to tell them things you want to maybe try or are just curious about.

Ask them what their kinky fantasies are.  This may take a few tries so keep things positive and be patient.  Saying the word “BDSM” may scare them off so maybe just talk about the aspects of it you like.  This can be things like:

Sometimes a person has to get comfortable just talking about how to go from vanilla to kink before they feel they can make the switch to doing it in real life.  Read articles on Domsubliving.com together and keep your conversations light and fun.

How to go from vanilla to BDSM with a kink contract

Contracts are one of the things that the book 50 Shades of Grey actually got right, but contracts don’t have to be for hardcore D/s couples.  Experts say that talking about sex openly and writing it down in a contract brings meaning to even vanilla relationships.

If you need somewhere to start, download a free template here

Contracts can include roles and what those involve (even if it’s just your names and titles like husband, wife, boyfriend, or girlfriend).  Other things to cover are:

Don’t be embarrassed or take yourself too seriously.  Have fun discussing your contract and check in regularly to see if it’s working or to renegotiate.

When things don’t go as you hoped

Whether you’re vanilla or practicing BDSM, you shouldn’t expect perfection from your partner.  Remember, this isn’t the book 50 Shades of Grey.

Resentment builds when one person starts to feel like the other isn’t fulfilling their role.  In D/s this could be the Dom feeling like their sub isn’t being submissive enough, or the sub feeling like their Dom isn’t being dominant enough.  What should you do when this happens?

As always: communicate.  If talking about how to go from vanilla to BDSM makes you feel uncomfortable or you’re hitting a brick wall, a journal can be a safe place to express your feelings freely.  Journaling is great for any relationship, vanilla or kinky.

You can download a free journal here which includes prompts to help you get started.

Make the switch from vanilla to BDSM safely

You may be tempted to jump right into a kinky lifestyle, but start slow.  Remember, the book 50 Shades of Grey is not real life.  In the BDSM community “Safe, Sane, and Consensual” is extremely important, and not just during sex.

If not practiced correctly, a D/s relationship can be dangerous, both physically and emotionally.  However, when it is enjoyed in a healthy way it can be extremely fulfilling and bring deep meaning to a relationship.  I hope with these suggestions all who want to can go from vanilla to BDSM and kink successfully.  🖤

Have you tried making the switch?  What challenges have you faced?  Let me know in the comments.

Keep reading: Creating Your Contract  »