Tag Archives: Rituals

7 Things You Need to Know About BDSM During This Uncertain Time

Last week my inbox was flooded with questions from my members…

“How can we avoid going back to vanilla while we’re stuck at home?”

“Should I keep looking for a partner?”

“Should we take a break from BDSM since the kids are off school?”

“How can we stay Dom & sub while we are separated by quarantine?”

I wasn’t planning to do this blog post, but I know it’s what you need to hear.

I answer all of the above questions and more. It’s from the heart and I know you will get a lot of value from it.

Be sure to also get your FREE BDSM resource list for when everything is crazy. Click here to download!

BDSM sick crisis Dom sub Coronavirus Covid-19

1. Keep up with your Dom/sub routines

Routines and rituals are an important part of any healthy BDSM relationship. They help the Dominant and submissive remember their roles, and can be a way to stay centered and focused during the COVID-19 crises.

Creating powerful and easy Dom/sub rituals (that don’t fizzle out during weeks of quarantine) can be challenging though.  So here are some proven examples of D/s rules and protocols to help you pass the time:

  • Kneeling
  • A morning text
  • Shaving
  • Preparing and serving coffee or tea
  • Punishments

It’s also important that submissives still wear their collar. Some subs might have the ritual that they put their day collar on when they leave the house. But if self-isolating is keeping them home, a sub might not wear their collar at all for days or weeks.

Having the Dom put on a sub’s collar is a simple routine you can do everyday to keep both people in the mindset. See ideas for different collars here.

2. Enjoy BDSM when the kids are home – the right way

Living the lifestyle while you have children off from school can be very challenging. You want to enjoy BDSM but at the same time you may be afraid about exposing your children to it. I completely understand. I have two small children myself so I know it can be hard, but there are many steps you can take.

Even if you are still enjoying kink in the bedroom it can be difficult to know how to take your Dom/sub lifestyle into everyday life. It’s not impossible though. There are many ways that my Dom and I are still able to do this even during a shelter in place.

In Lesson 6 of my course Dom Sub Training, I share our 6 specific hacks to not let your roles of Dad and Mom interfere with being a Dom and sub. With careful planning and some creativity, you can still have the BDSM lifestyle you want even with children home from school.

3. Stay connected to your partner if you have to be apart

Self-isolating and quarantines are hard, but especially for those that are Dom/sub.  It can be difficult to keep the dynamic going when you’re apart and problems and issues arise.

Even if you’re apart for just a day, or the pandemic makes it so you’re separated for months, virtual D/s relationship can still succeed.  Both the Dominant and submissive have to work at it though.

Remember, being apart isn’t easy, but so is anything worth fighting for. Follow my rules and tips in this article and you’re sure to have success. If you can trust, respect, and support each other when you’re apart, imagine how powerful your bond will be once you’re together. 

4. You can still find a partner and meet others in the BDSM community

Finding others in the kink community can be very intimidating and scary, even when there’s not a global virus going around. The good news is there are lots of ways to connect to BDSM groups and individuals online still.

Social distancing doesn’t have to keep you from meeting others in the BDSM community. If you’re a Dom Sub Training member, be sure to check out my exclusive resource guide in Lesson 7. In it I share:

  • The best websites for meeting new people
  • Online events and groups I love to hang out at
  • Kink friendly online therapists and educators
  • My favorite websites for Dom/sub help

And if you don’t have a partner currently, be sure to also check out this free article.

free BDSM resource list

5. Find ways to serve your partner even if you get sick

Even if you’re fortunate enough to not get the Coronavirus, it’s still the cold and flu season. Getting sick at some point in your relationship is bound to happen, but that doesn’t mean you stop being a Dom or sub. There are lots of small ways to still serve your partner, even if you happen to get sick:

For the Dominant:

  • Assign your sub tasks to complete
  • Enjoy simple bondage, like tying your sub’s hands together
  • Give your sub journal prompts
  • Reassure them of your approval

For the submissive:

  • Prioritize your self-care
  • Adapt your duties if necessary
  • Communicate with your Dom through your journal
  • Express to them that they are still needed and wanted

6. Wash your toys (and hands)

While we all know that we should be washing our hands regularly (hopefully), good hygiene shouldn’t stop there. The Coronavirus is spread through respiratory droplets, including saliva, and by touching contaminated surfaces. So pretty much everything you touch!

You should always clean your sex toys and BDSM gear regularly, but now is the perfect opportunity to make sure it gets done.

Cleaning your toys and gear is easy! Of course the cleaning method will depend on the type of material, so first always consult the manufacturer’s instructions. But here are some general tips:

  1. Wash with hot water and soap after each use
  2. Rinse with a solution of at least 70% alcohol OR 2% bleach (1 tsp per 1 cup water)
  3. Use alcohol wipes on items you can’t submerge
  4. Some items can also be sanitized by boiling them
  5. Allow to air dry thoroughly before using

Need reminders of everything that should be cleaned? Here’s a cheat sheet:

  • Vibrators
  • Plugs and dildos
  • Lube containers
  • Leashes & collars
  • Cuffs
  • Nipple clamps
  • Ball gags
  • Leather crops, floggers, and wips
  • Paddles and canes
  • Ben Wa Balls

Cleaning and sanitizing your toys (and house) is the perfect task to assign to a submissive while they’re on lockdown.

7. Avoid the vanilla rut while you’re stuck at home together

I guarantee you that this is a problem that many people in the lifestyle are dealing with right now. We’re all stressed. Between job lay offs, kids being home, quarantines, and the news media reports, it seems like life is so chaotic right now. Here are some quick tips to keep you in your role as a Dom or a sub:

  • Shop for new toys and gear, even if you don’t buy

One of the best ways to beat the vanilla rut is to bring new items into your play sessions. If you don’t have extra money to spend because of the economy right now, even “window shopping” online can be a fun, sexy activity you can do.

Two of my favorite online stores are: Luxurious Bliss for BDSM toys and gear, and KinkyCloth for BDSM, DDlg, pet play, and rope bunny clothes and gear.

  • Take an online BDSM course or workshop

Online courses are a great way to pass the time, because you can communicate and experiment together still, even while you’re stuck at home or separated.

An online training program will also help you deal with the issues and problems of a long-distance relationship. You’ll have a detailed, step-by-step plan to have a better, more satisfying connection, and to take your BDSM relationship to the next level.

*If you want to help your partner be more dominant, submissive, or kinky, be sure to check out my new workshop.*

An eCourse is also a great way for both of you to have an online mentor and coach during this stressful time, giving you reliable advice and tips to help you every step of the way.

  • Watch a BDSM movie

This is probably the easiest activity to do to keep you in the Dom/sub mindset. You can see my favorite recommendation here.

  • Make time for regular scenes

After days and weeks of quarantine the realities of your vanilla life begin to set in. A Dom and sub may become preoccupied or complacent and start to put their roles on the back burner. Having regular scenes, at least once a week, is the perfect way to keep a sub eager to serve and also prevent a Dom from neglecting their partner.

*****

It’s not “same old same old” right now. We all feel it.

And although I do NOT have all the answers… I am committed to showing up for you in my imperfect, sometimes awkward way, and sharing what I can to help.

I am committed to supporting, serving, and helping you as much as I can during this time (and always and forever).

Let me know in the comments what questions or challenges you’re facing and I’ll do what I can to provide resources.

I am doubling down on showing up for you now more than ever, because we need each other now more than ever.

Stay safe out there. 🖤

Please click the share buttons below to help others during this uncertain time

free BDSM resource list

BDSM Rituals and Why You Need Them

Rituals are an important part of any healthy BDSM relationship. They help the Dominant and submissive remember their roles, and can be a way to stay centered and focused. But creating powerful and easy Dom/sub rituals (that don’t fizzle out) can be challenging.  Read on to discover proven examples of D/s rules and protocols, and maybe pick up some new ideas to transform your connection.

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What are BDSM rituals?

Sometimes people will use the words rituals, rules, and protocols interchangeably but they are slightly different. A BDSM protocol is a hard and fast rule usually listed in a D/s contract. A ritual is more of a way of carrying out something. It almost always involves an action where the Dom prescribes a series of behaviors for their pleasure and benefit.

Why have Dom/sub rituals?

Rituals are a way to discipline a sub.  They teach them obedience and submission and keep them in the right frame of mind.  This is true for the Dom as well.  Sometimes if a sub has been allowed to act too bratty or is topping from the bottom, a ritual can snap both parties back into their role.

I really enjoy my rituals and view them as almost solemn and spiritual.  When I perform a ritual it feels somewhat ceremonial even.  I take pleasure in knowing I’m doing something my Daddy wants and that makes him happy.

Examples of D/s rituals, rules, and protocols

Rituals are automatic and a good sub shouldn’t have to be asked to do it every time. If a sub does forget (they’re not perfect) they should be disciplined to the proper degree.  A good Dom doesn’t make up rituals just for the sake of having one.  There should be a reason for them and should be for their pleasure. To give you some ideas, here are a few examples of the rules and protocols my Daddy has for me:

1. Kneeling

My Daddy usually goes to bed before me since he wakes up early, so once I’m all ready for the night, I sit in the bed next to him and kneel.  If he doesn’t wake up by then I will lightly rub him and say, “I’m ready for bed now, Daddy.”  If he hasn’t gone to bed yet I’ll kneel on the floor instead and wait for permission to get in bed.  He also has me kneel before a scene as well.

2. Arrival greeting

This is another popular ritual and one I can safely perform in front of others.  When he comes home, wherever I am in the house and no matter what I’m doing, I go and greet him with a kiss and tell him, “Hi Daddy”.

3. A morning text

My Daddy decided on the joint ritual of every morning texting each other.  He usually texts me first to tell me good morning and that he loves me.  I reply with how I’m feeling, a detailed plan for my day, and that I love him.  I love waking up and seeing a text from him, and this also allows him to make sure I’m getting up when I’m supposed to.

4. Collars

There are so many ways to incorporate collars with rituals.  Currently we have two.  The first one is I have to wear my Day Collar whenever I leave the house or around company.  If he’s home he will put it on for me.  Second, when I kneel before a scene he puts my Play Collar on me. See ideas for different collars here.

5. Shaving

Sometimes in vanilla relationships, shaving becomes a chore that’s done begrudgingly even though the other partner prefers it.  Making it a D/s ritual can make it more enjoyable.  I always make sure I’m freshly shaven for my Daddy, and I also get a Brazilian wax about every 3 weeks.  (As a masochist, I actually love getting it done.)

6. Punishments

You probably don’t think of punishments when you’re discussing rituals, but they can actually go together quite nicely.  When the sub misbehaves, the Dom can tell them to get whatever implement they choose (belt, flogger, crop, etc.). The sub has to go get it, kneel, and present it in their hands, with their palms facing up.  This can make the discipline more degrading, and as a result, more effective.

Can Doms have BDSM rituals too?

Yes and no.  Doms will do certain actions as a routine but they are never expected to do it, as they are allowed to do whatever they want.  An example is how my Daddy opens doors for me.  Before I get in the car or enter a building he will almost always open the door for me, and it makes me love and respect him as my Dom even more each time.  Other ideas are combing or braiding the sub’s hair at night, ordering for them at restaurants, and staying on the outside of their sub when they’re walking on the street.

When a D/s ritual isn’t working

It may be that after performing certain rituals they will have to be modified or eliminated.  Here’s an example that happened to us one time:

Every morning when Daddy was at work I had to let him decide my panties for the day.  I’d pick out three, lay them in a row, take a picture, and text it to him. This was fun at first and I did it for almost a month.  It ended up causing me a lot of stress though.  There were many mornings I would have to rush because it was taking up too much time.  I told my Dom, knowing full well he could say, “You’re doing it anyway.” But instead, he said he would think about it and let me know the next day. Thankfully he told me I could stop. He still makes choices on my panties from time to time, and will often tell me to wear none when I’m in a dress or skirt.

So if a ritual isn’t working in a D/s dynamic, a sub can always talk to their Dom about it respectively, or through a journal.

Click here to download your free journal with prompts

One of the best ways to make sure a ritual is remembered and carried out is to write it down.  Hopefully these examples have given you some ideas for creating your own BDSM rules and protocols.  Keep finding peace in your rituals. They benefit both the Dom and the sub and are essential for transformation, training, and discipline.  🖤

Now, let’s talk in the comments: What ideas do you have for BDSM rituals? What works and what doesn’t?

Keep reading: How to prevent bratty behavior>>