Last week my inbox was flooded with questions from my members…
“How can we avoid going back to vanilla while we’re stuck at home?”
“Should I keep looking for a partner?”
“Should we take a break from BDSM since the kids are off school?”
“How can we stay Dom & sub while we are separated by quarantine?”
I wasn’t planning to do this blog post, but I know it’s what you need to hear.
I answer all of the above questions and more. It’s from the heart and I know you will get a lot of value from it.
1. Keep up with your Dom/sub routines
Routines and rituals are an important part of any healthy BDSM relationship. They help the Dominant and submissive remember their roles, and can be a way to stay centered and focused during the COVID-19 crises.
Creating powerful and easy Dom/sub rituals (that don’t fizzle out during weeks of quarantine) can be challenging though. So here are some proven examples of D/s rules and protocols to help you pass the time:
- A morning text
- Preparing and serving coffee or tea
It’s also important that submissives still wear their collar. Some subs might have the ritual that they put their day collar on when they leave the house. But if self-isolating is keeping them home, a sub might not wear their collar at all for days or weeks.
Having the Dom put on a sub’s collar is a simple routine you can do everyday to keep both people in the mindset. See ideas for different collars here.
2. Enjoy BDSM when the kids are home – the right way
Living the lifestyle while you have children off from school can be very challenging. You want to enjoy BDSM but at the same time you may be afraid about exposing your children to it. I completely understand. I have two small children myself so I know it can be hard, but there are many steps you can take.
Even if you are still enjoying kink in the bedroom it can be difficult to know how to take your Dom/sub lifestyle into everyday life. It’s not impossible though. There are many ways that my Dom and I are still able to do this even during a shelter in place.
In Lesson 6 of my course Dom Sub Training, I share our 6 specific hacks to not let your roles of Dad and Mom interfere with being a Dom and sub. With careful planning and some creativity, you can still have the BDSM lifestyle you want even with children home from school.
3. Stay connected to your partner if you have to be apart
Self-isolating and quarantines are hard, but especially for those that are Dom/sub. It can be difficult to keep the dynamic going when you’re apart and problems and issues arise.
Even if you’re apart for just a day, or the pandemic makes it so you’re separated for months, virtual D/s relationship can still succeed. Both the Dominant and submissive have to work at it though.
Remember, being apart isn’t easy, but so is anything worth fighting for. Follow my rules and tips in this article and you’re sure to have success. If you can trust, respect, and support each other when you’re apart, imagine how powerful your bond will be once you’re together.
4. You can still find a partner and meet others in the BDSM community
Finding others in the kink community can be very intimidating and scary, even when there’s not a global virus going around. The good news is there are lots of ways to connect to BDSM groups and individuals online still.
Social distancing doesn’t have to keep you from meeting others in the BDSM community. If you’re a Dom Sub Training member, be sure to check out my exclusive resource guide in Lesson 7. In it I share:
- The best websites for meeting new people
- Online events and groups I love to hang out at
- Kink friendly online therapists and educators
- My favorite websites for Dom/sub help
And if you don’t have a partner currently, be sure to also check out this free article.
5. Find ways to serve your partner even if you get sick
Even if you’re fortunate enough to not get the Coronavirus, it’s still the cold and flu season. Getting sick at some point in your relationship is bound to happen, but that doesn’t mean you stop being a Dom or sub. There are lots of small ways to still serve your partner, even if you happen to get sick:
For the Dominant:
- Assign your sub tasks to complete
- Enjoy simple bondage, like tying your sub’s hands together
- Give your sub journal prompts
- Reassure them of your approval
For the submissive:
- Prioritize your self-care
- Adapt your duties if necessary
- Communicate with your Dom through your journal
- Express to them that they are still needed and wanted
6. Wash your toys (and hands)
While we all know that we should be washing our hands regularly (hopefully), good hygiene shouldn’t stop there. The Coronavirus is spread through respiratory droplets, including saliva, and by touching contaminated surfaces. So pretty much everything you touch!
You should always clean your sex toys and BDSM gear regularly, but now is the perfect opportunity to make sure it gets done.
Cleaning your toys and gear is easy! Of course the cleaning method will depend on the type of material, so first always consult the manufacturer’s instructions. But here are some general tips:
- Wash with hot water and soap after each use
- Rinse with a solution of at least 70% alcohol OR 2% bleach (1 tsp per 1 cup water)
- Use alcohol wipes on items you can’t submerge
- Some items can also be sanitized by boiling them
- Allow to air dry thoroughly before using
Need reminders of everything that should be cleaned? Here’s a cheat sheet:
- Plugs and dildos
- Lube containers
- Leashes & collars
- Nipple clamps
- Ball gags
- Leather crops, floggers, and wips
- Paddles and canes
- Ben Wa Balls
Cleaning and sanitizing your toys (and house) is the perfect task to assign to a submissive while they’re on lockdown.
7. Avoid the vanilla rut while you’re stuck at home together
I guarantee you that this is a problem that many people in the lifestyle are dealing with right now. We’re all stressed. Between job lay offs, kids being home, quarantines, and the news media reports, it seems like life is so chaotic right now. Here are some quick tips to keep you in your role as a Dom or a sub:
- Shop for new toys and gear, even if you don’t buy
One of the best ways to beat the vanilla rut is to bring new items into your play sessions. If you don’t have extra money to spend because of the economy right now, even “window shopping” online can be a fun, sexy activity you can do.
- Take an online BDSM course or workshop
Online courses are a great way to pass the time, because you can communicate and experiment together still, even while you’re stuck at home or separated.
An online training program will also help you deal with the issues and problems of a long-distance relationship. You’ll have a detailed, step-by-step plan to have a better, more satisfying connection, and to take your BDSM relationship to the next level.
*If you want to help your partner be more dominant, submissive, or kinky, be sure to check out my new workshop.*
An eCourse is also a great way for both of you to have an online mentor and coach during this stressful time, giving you reliable advice and tips to help you every step of the way.
- Watch a BDSM movie
This is probably the easiest activity to do to keep you in the Dom/sub mindset. You can see my favorite recommendation here.
- Make time for regular scenes
After days and weeks of quarantine the realities of your vanilla life begin to set in. A Dom and sub may become preoccupied or complacent and start to put their roles on the back burner. Having regular scenes, at least once a week, is the perfect way to keep a sub eager to serve and also prevent a Dom from neglecting their partner.
It’s not “same old same old” right now. We all feel it.
And although I do NOT have all the answers… I am committed to showing up for you in my imperfect, sometimes awkward way, and sharing what I can to help.
I am committed to supporting, serving, and helping you as much as I can during this time (and always and forever).
Let me know in the comments what questions or challenges you’re facing and I’ll do what I can to provide resources.
I am doubling down on showing up for you now more than ever, because we need each other now more than ever.
Stay safe out there. 🖤