Tag Archives: Safewords

The Ultimate Guide to a Safe BDSM Lifestyle

In the BDSM community there is a saying: Safe, Sane, Consensual, or SSC. Whether you are new to the Dom/sub lifestyle or have been playing for a long time, this is the foundation for any D/s relationship. You should always follow these three principles and so should your partner.  But what does Safe, Sane, Consensual mean in real life? Here’s how to practically implement SSC, so you can enjoy the lifestyle to the full.

safe sane consensual dom sub lifestyle consent BDSM SSC

Safe

Before engaging in BDSM, there should alway  be a discussion of limits, both hard and soft.  Respect these at all times.  All effort should be made to make a scene as safe as possible, especially for the Dominant setting it up.  Examples include:

  • Having scissors nearby to quickly cut ropes that are too tight, cable ties, etc.
  • Agreeing beforehand a safe gesture instead of a word if choking is acceptable.  And if the gesture involves the arms/hands, having these free at all times during choking.
  • Taking steps to avoid severe burns and fires during wax play.

Of course there are MANY more safety issues but the point is they need to be communicated, identified, and prevented.  Nobody wants an embarrassing visit to the emergency room or to have to call the fire department.

Sane

Both the Dom and the sub should be adults in a sound state of mind.  Even though BDSM is a form of therapy for some, if there are severe mental health issues present make sure to address them with a professional.

Also under the principle of “Sane”: Don’t do anything stupid! For example, if you want to play rape, don’t kidnap your partner in public and attack them. You will most likely end up in jail.

“Sane” also implies that all parties are honest about their intentions, expectations, abilities, training, and experience levels.

You can learn more about fake and abusive Doms or subs here.

Consensual

This is probably the core of BDSM and what many vanillas  cannot wrap their heads around.  All parties involved need to really WANT this. Hopefully there is a contract or at the very least safewords.

Download your FREE contract here.

Even with consensual non-consent there should be a prior discussion and an extreme amount of trust.  No one should ever reluctantly practice BDSM just to make someone else happy.  From simple kink to Total Power Exchange, from playful spankings to hardcore punishments, EVERYTHING has to be consensual.

You can learn more about consensual non-consent here.

Always keep and respect the three principles of SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual) .  They are what separates BDSM from criminal abuse or neurotic self-destructive behavior.  Have fun, but make sure to always play responsibly. 🖤

What does safe, sane, consensual mean to you?  Chat with me in the comments.

Keep reading:  How to enjoy bondage safely »

6 Things You Need to Know About Safewords

Ever since Fifty Shades of Grey, the meaning of “safewords” has become more popular.  But many people, even in the BDSM community, still don’t know how to use them the right way.  The definition of a safeword is a code to communicate when a submissive is at their limit, or close to it.  I’ll show you some practical examples and a list of ones  you can use in your next play session.

BDSM
Safewords
To use
Meaning 
Examples 
List
Definition 
Fifty shades of grey
Pineapple

1.  Why “pineapple” is a good safeword to use

By definition, the words “No” and “Stop” are not safewords. A safeword needs to be something you would not normally say in a play session or scene. That’s why “pineapple” is such a good example. If you pick a word that is too common, the meaning can become unclear.

Why Fifty Shades of Grey used “Red” and “Yellow”

There’s a good reason why Fifty Shades of Grey chose those two examples. The most popular safeword is “Red”, meaning the sub cannot tolerate any further demands. When this word is said the Dominant’s actions cease completely with immediate effect.  The safeword “Yellow” is used to bring to the attention of the Dom that the sub is close to their limit of endurance.

Red and Yellow are my favorite and the ones I use with my Dom, but we also have an alternative.  Back when we were vanilla but also doing kinky things, I would use his middle name as a code.  I had used it for so long that it was still a habit so we decided to keep it.

When you are in the middle of a very intense situation, it is somewhat of a knee jerk reaction to blurt out the first thing that comes to mind.  So pick a safeword(s) you feel comfortable with.

List of popular examples:

  • Apple
  • Red
  • Pineapple
  • Dom’s middle name
  • Banana
  • Yellow
  • Safeword
  • Mercy
  • Oklahoma

2. Safewords can help establish BDSM limits

If a couple is exploring something new like anal play, safewords can help guide the Dom as to what is acceptable and what is too far.  One of the roles of a good Dom is to push the boundaries of their sub a little, to see what they are and aren’t OK with.

To use safewords in this way a Dom can check in with the sub during a scene and ask, “What color?”  The sub can then replay “Red”, “Yellow”, or even “Green” to indicate that they want to go further.  You could even practice this technique to get a sub comfortable using safewords.

3. Subs can abuse their safewords without meaning to

Let me start off by saying that there is nothing wrong with using safewords.  They are a sacred part of BDSM, and are there to make sure everything stays safe, sane, and consensual.  A sub should never feel guilty when they use them legitimately.

The problem arises when it becomes a way to get out of something they just don’t want to do.  It can become the vanilla equivalent of saying they have a headache.  Besides sexual requests they may use a safeword when a situation becomes too emotionally difficult and they just want a break.

In short, the sub becomes the one in control when they safeword because they just don’t feel like doing something. Find out what the Dom and the sub can do to fix this here.

4. You can try getting rid of them… maybe

In some Master/slave relationships there is the concept of Total Power Exchange (TPE).  This means that the slave has relinquished all rights, even the right to a safeword.

If the sub consents to this (and they have to consent) there needs to be complete trust in the Dom’s control, and his knowledge of the sub. This is best for long term, 24/7 relationships.

If you’re not ready for this step, an alternative could be agreeing to forgo safewords during discipline.  This has the advantage that a sub is more liking to learn from their punishment or not misbehave, if they know they cannot safeword out of it.  The Dom would then have total control over the discipline and not the sub.

Another possibility would be to not let the sub use “Red” while being punished, only “Yellow”.

5.  You need a nonverbal signal too in BDSM

If choking or gagging is acceptable you won’t be able to talk, so agree beforehand on a safe gesture instead of a word.  This can be a hand signal or placing an item in the sub’s hand that they can drop when they have reached their limit.

The downside to these is that their arms and hands would have to be free at all times.  And there is the risk that the Dom may not be able to see the signal during a BDSM scene.

To get around this my Dom and I have the agreement that my hands and arms are always free during choking, and our “safeword” is that I will tap his body anywhere I can.  Once he feels it he releases me immediately.  Try a practice session before committing to your signal.

6. Subs can forget to use their safewords

Sometimes the Dom may make demands of the sub that cannot be met without incurring physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, or other harm.  That is when the sub should use their safewords.

However, in that circumstance the sub may already be distraught because of the severity of the situation, and they may forget their safeword.  Or it may not instinctively come to their mind.  If the Dom is sensing that the sub’s condition is becoming deeply upset and agitated, he should remind them of their safewords.

Also if something new, or if something extremely intense is going to happen, then the Dom should remind the sub of their safewords again beforehand.

My Dom is very good about this, but one thing I like to do during something very demanding is to repeat my safewords to myself in my head.  This way they will more readily come to mind if I need to use them.

No one should ever say, “a real sub doesn’t have safewords.”  If a sub is new to BDSM or coming in to a new relationship, it is a huge red flag if they say they don’t have safewords.  Safewords build trust and bring meaning into the relationship.  Be comfortable using them and you will experience greater pleasure.  🖤

What’s your favorite examples of BDSM safewords to use? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

Keep reading: Myths you need to stop believing now