Tag Archives: Submissive

15 Subs Answer: What’s One Thing You Wish You Knew Before Becoming a Submissive?

Submissive sub BDSM

Every Dom/sub dynamic is unique, which is why every submissive learns different lessons and tips that work best for them. So for this special blog post, I’m bringing in 15 of my favorite submissives in the BDSM community to answer the question, What’s one thing you wish you knew before becoming a sub?

Now, all of these submissives are actively living the lifestyle. And in this post they’re sharing some of their best advice and lessons that they’ve learned along the way.

You’ll get a taste of a multitude of different perspectives that have allowed them to become their own version of a good sub. From fake doms to kinky empowerment, you’ll get insight into it all.

I cannot wait for you to read their brilliance and reflections!

By the way, if you want to learn even MORE about how to become the best submissive you can be, I’m giving away a free cheat sheet where I break down how to be a good sub. Just click here to grab it. I can’t wait to see what you think.

Now, let’s dive in!

How to be a good sub

Beware of the fakes

“I wish I knew that males like the idea of being a Dom, but few actually want to do the work. Take the sex out and a lot just flounder and don’t know what to do.” – Sully, Beautifully Bound

“It’s not a utopia. Kinksters talk big about important things like consent and negotiation, but there are good and bad people just like there are in any other walk of life. Some people have bad intentions, and sometimes people with good intentions f*ck up. So we have to keep our eyes open and use our judgement, not just blindly trust everyone who labels themselves ‘kinky’.” – Amy, Coffee and Kink

Learn how to spot a fake dom here »

The importance of consent

“I wish I knew more about how deep consent goes. And I wish more people got educated about how deep and how far that word goes. As it has allowed me to explore more, be more confident and comfortable with ‘new to me’ kinks in a D/s relationship.”Slur7777, on Instagram

“Informed consent. We’ve all heard of consent but informed consent is critical, especially for beginners. As a newbie submissive, one might give consent in the excitement of the moment (e.g. in sub frenzy) and not really know towards what it is that they are consenting. This can be easily avoided by not falling prey to the ridiculous notion that a “good submissive is seen, not heard” and instead ask a LOT of questions.” – Daphne, Master Arcane

Learn the 5 things you need to know about consensual non-consent here »

Navigating different dynamics

“It is alright to know what you need from a Dominant. I wish that I had taken the time to figure out what kind of Dominance would feed my submission. Knowing that in advance would have allowed me to better understand what kind of Dominant was a good fit for my submission. Once I have entered a dynamic I want to submit fully and to do that I need to be able to express my needs before the dynamic has begun.” – Claire, Wicked Grounds

“How polyamory is supposed to work, and how deeply painful it can be when it doesn’t. I fell hard for the Dominant who became my Master, and polyamory was required. My personality and that of his primary never meshed, and I don’t think either of us was/is truly poly “at heart.” I don’t think it can work if everyone isn’t wholeheartedly working for the same things. You can be deeply, madly in thrall to someone — but that doesn’t mean he’s worth the sacrifices of polyamory.” – Kate Kinsey, author and educator

“I thought I had to blindly follow the Dom and never show any sign of initiative or personal preference. That resulted in less than optimal sessions because I was afraid it was ‘topping from the bottom.’ Constant requests actually do end up topping from the bottom because the sub in essence is trying to lead the relationship. However, an occasional request when needed is allowed and can be necessary for a better experience for both parties.” – Emily, The BDSM Coaches

Discover 3 topping from the bottom mistakes here »

Every submissive is unique

“I really wish I had known that kink comes in so many shapes and sizes. When I first started exploring, I was under the impression that all kink looked the same, that if you wanted to do X, you had to do Y. I spent a lot of time trying to force myself into molds and boxes because that is ‘what subs do’. Now I know that BDSM is so much more bespoke than I thought, and it’s given me freedom and more fulfilling relationships since I had that realization.” – Evie Lupine, BDSM peer educator

“I think one thing I wish I knew was that it’s all perfectly normal to want to become a sub and have different fetishes than other people. You don’t have to be the same as others that you watch and read about, as everyone has different fetishes and it’s normal.” – Rich, Submissive Blog

See the ultimate guide to being a submissive here »

Learning what submission really involves

“I wish I had known just how much work it would be. All the fiction I devoured about the kinky sex and dungeon play never prepared me for being in a D/s relationship. Being a submissive is not about the time spent in bed or tied to a piece of BDSM furniture. Being a submissive is about working in concert with your partner to build a D/s relationship that is future proof. And that is rewarding and challenging work, indeed.” – Luna, Submissive Reflection

“Something I wish I knew before becoming a sub is how nurturing submission can feel. Before going there, I thought submission looked like abuse, but there’s a lot of empowerment and safety that can come from it.” –Anne, Medium

“What I wish I knew before choosing to embrace my submissive side, is that submission begins in the mind, and is not something to be applied from the outside.” – Lola, Kink Lovers

Get a free submissive journal here »

Finally discovering the lifestyle

“I wish I’d known being submissive was possible. Recognizing my need for submission was a light bulb moment. All the things I thought were “wrong” with me actually had a name and there were others just like me. I wish I’d known in those early days that submission can be whatever works for you and a partner. It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else, even other submissives.” –Kayla Lords, Loving BDSM

“Transitioning from a vanilla marriage is tough!! Letting go of old habits and practicing mindfulness 24/7 was the toughest part. Dom Sub Training helped me focus on the importance of showing Sir each and every day how much this life means to me.” – Tina, Dom Sub Training member

Learn how to go from vanilla to BDSM and kink here »

And the one thing I wish I knew before becoming a submissive

“I wish I knew how powerful being a submissive is. In the beginning I thought subs were weak, broken creatures that needed a Dom to ‘fix’ them. That couldn’t be farther than the truth. Submission allows a person to gain control and stability over their lives. While a good Dom can help guide them to become the best version of themselves, submitting is still a choice. Knowing that I chose to be a submissive is extremely empowering.” –Alesandra (learn more about me here)

**Special thanks to everyone who shared their words of wisdom with me for this article!**

What about you?

I’d love to read your response to the all-important question: What’s the one thing you wish you’d known before you became a sub? Please share in the comments.  And don’t forget to grab your free cheat sheet below!

How to be a good sub

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The Ultimate Guide to Keeping a Submissive’s Journal

Submissive journal prompts ideas examples start template BDSM sub Dom Dominant writing

In beginning my BDSM journey as a sub, I thought keeping a journal was very vanilla.  “Shouldn’t I just tell my Dom my feelings and ideas?” I didn’t think a submissive journal would be useful, but my Dominant wanted me to so I obeyed.  Here’s what I’ve learned, plus some writing prompts and examples to help you start.  Be sure to download your free template here.

Why is a journal so important?

A journal is a submissive’s safe place to write down whatever they want.  In a life full of control and submission, it can be their only outlet to vent their feelings freely.  Journaling can be very therapeutic.

It also gives the Dom a glimpse into their sub’s mind so he can better understand her.  In order for this all to happen though, a sub should always feel safe to write anything in their journal without fear of being punished.

If a sub is constantly asked, “Why did you write that?”, they’ll slowly stop writing for themselves and more for pleasing their Master.  My journal has a list of rules at the beginning of it.  Here is a sample of it you can use as a template:

“Only the submissive can write here, unless she gives approval for the Dominant to respond in it.  All other responses of the Dom will be by email, text, or handwritten notes only.  The sub will not have to answer for anything she writes here, or be held accountable. The Dom can indirectly discuss any concerns he has but without referencing her journal.”

Submissive journal rules and expectations can also be explained in a BDSM contract as well.  For examples of contracts click here.

Ideas to get you started

The most traditional type of journal is a notebook, maybe kept in a sub’s nightstand where the Dom has access to it.  With technology now though there are a lot better alternatives.  I feel the best journal is a digital document that both parties can share.

I keep a note on my iPhone entitled “Submissive’s Journal” that I have shared with my Dom.  The advantage to this is that he gets a notification on his phone as soon as I write a new entry.  That way I don’t have to wonder if he’s seen that I wrote something, and he doesn’t have to keep checking it.  Examples also include a Word or Pages template too.

If you are afraid someone else will accidentally read it you could also protect it with a password.  Journals can also be done online, or even as part of a blog.

Examples of writing prompts to use as a template

Now that you know why to write and how to write, it’s time to figure out what to write. Basically a submissive can write anything they want as a reflection of what’s going on in their mind. If nothing is coming to them or they just need some fresh inspiration, here’s some ideas and examples of prompts to get you started:

  • What you like most about being a sub/slave/little
  • The biggest challenges to being a sub/slave/little
  • Positive things that happened during the day
  • Your favorite sexual things, or new things you want to try
  • If you could change one thing about your current relationship what would it be?
  • Read a post on Domsubliving.com and journal your thoughts about it
  • Your goals as a sub/slave/little
  • What you would tell your past-BDSM self

Of course one of the best ways to get ideas for journaling prompts is for a sub to ask their Dom. I’m sure they would love to know their sub’s thoughts on many different subjects.

How often should a submissive journal?

A submissive doesn’t have to journal every day (unless their Dom tells them to), but they should at the very least journal once a week. Journaling often can allow a sub to release their frustrations through writing, and it can keep them from acting out or behaving bratty.  It can catch and fix problems early.

A sub shouldn’t only journal when they are upset and need to vent though. It’s also good for them to record positive things, so both the sub and the Dom can look back on their relationship with confidence.

A word for the Dom:

It is extremely important that your sub should always feel comfortable writing in their journal. It may be their only safe place they are allowed to vent, “cry”, or “scream”. If your sub senses that you are judging them because of what they write, they may begin to censor their entries. Even if your sub writes, “I hate my Dom,” resist the urge to ask why they wrote it.

Remember, children and teenagers will often journal rebelliously, so your little is just expressing normal behaviors. Instead of confronting your sub, ask them later how they are feeling and if there is anything they think needs improvement. 

A well-used journal is a sign of a sub who feels comfortable and safe. Be sure to download your free template below.  Writing often is not only good for the sub, but will help the Dom better understand the needs of the BDSM relationship.

How do you journal?  What are your ideas for prompts? Share in the the comments. 

 

Keep Reading: More ways to prevent bratty behavior »

How to Punish a Sub Effectively

How to punish a sub over text BDSM Dom submissive Dominant ideas

Every Dominant/submissive relationship should have punishments. After all, the “D” in BDSM stands for discipline, and no sub is perfect.  Correction (even over text) is needed from time to time when they break the rules.  But many Doms struggle with ideas for knowing how to punish.  And a sub can feel neglected when it isn’t done in the proper way.

Here are some things to keep in mind for a punishment to be successful, and don’t forget to download your free master list of ideas here.

Punishments need to have a reason

The main goal of any punishment is so the sub will learn from it.  The Dom disciplines to discourage unacceptable conduct, and to ensure that the sub fully appreciates their role.  A sub should always know why they are being punished.

In fact, it is good etiquette to say beforehand, “You are being punished because…” or to ask, “Why are you being punished?”  This keeps the focus on the behavior that needs to change. That way the sub doesn’t feel like it’s themselves that the Dom doesn’t like.

Punishments for littles can be for things a real Daddy would punish for: not cleaning their room, spending too much time on their phone, etc.

The punishment should fit the crime

Failure to comply with any rules should always result in some sort of punsishment. The harshness should be determined by the severity of the misdeed.  For example, if a sub waits 15 minutes to respond to a Dom’s texts, an intense paddling would probably be too much.

For softer punishments my Dom likes to make me remove my panties for the day, or have me wear Ben Wa Balls. (These punishments also work for long distance D/s relationships.)

On the other hand, if a sub has committed a major offense, corporal punishment will probably be required.  Quite a few times I’ve made my Dom mad enough to make him spank me so long and hard that I’ve bawled into my pillow.

Don’t go too soft when you punish

There is nothing worse than expecting a hard punishment and getting off with “a slap on the wrist”, or worse: no punishment at all.  Some subs perform best when they are disciplined at least daily, others every other day, or even once a week.

Look for patterns.  If a sub seems to stop trying so hard to please their Dom then a good punishment is probably in order.  Again, we are all imperfect human beings and there is always some correction in behavior that can be found.

Many Doms who are new to BDSM may hold back, fearing they are going too far, especially if a sub starts crying.  But that is where trust in their safewords comes in.  If it gets too painful, physically, emotionally, or mentally, a sub has the right to safeword.

One way to gauge how painful a punishmetnt is can be to make the sub count each time they are hit.  My Dom usually will spank me five times, making me count after each one so he can tell in my voice if he is going too hard or soft.  Another idea is to have the sub recite a phrase after each hit, like, “I am Daddy’s little girl.”

Timing is crucial (even over text message)

Usually a sub knows when they mess up, and they dread the after-effects of displeasing their Dom. If the Dom completely forgets to punish or even puts it off it is less affective.

Sometimes a little bit of time can grow the anticipation and force the sub to meditate on what they did, but generally punishments should happen by the end of the day.  If it’s a long distance D/s relationship, and you want to know how to punish a sub over text, still keep in mind the timing when administering discipline.

Anything later than a day misses the goal of teaching the sub so they will learn to never do it again.  It is like waiting too long after your dog has an accident to rub their nose in it.  Subs need to see that their Doms care enough about the relationship to take the time to discipline them.

BDSM punishment ideas

It needs to be emphasized that the subject of discipline should always be discussed beforehand to keep things consensual and safe.  A written contract can list the types of punishments that are acceptable, and the severity that is agreed on.

  • Spanking-  My favorite I love to hate.  Usually done on the bed without clothes on.  Using the Dom’s bare hand has the advantage of keeping the physical connection between both parties.  It also prevents him from doing serious damage because he will have the pain in his hand as a gauge.
  • Paddling-  Administered like a spanking but uses an object like an actual paddle, ruler, hair brush, etc.
  • Whipping-  Belts can do serious damage so this is better when done lightly.
  • Biting-  Usually done during a sexual encounter when a sub displeases the Dom.
  • Delayed orgasm-  Either for a minute or a day, to remind a sub that their Dom has the power over their sexual fullillment.
  • Brazilian wax-  Making a sub get this done will only work if they don’t currently enjoy doing this.
  • Get your free master list with 30+ more ways

So there you have it: the basics of BDSM punishments. Keep these suggestions and ideas in mind and your D/s relationship will continue to fulfillment and bring greater fulfillment.  🖤

What are your thoughts on discipline?  Share your ideas for punishment in the comments.

Keep reading: How to keep things safe »

A Beginner’s Guide to BDSM and Dom/sub

Many people who are curious about BDSM want to know the quickest way to get started. When you’re just a beginner, it can be really frustrating to try and figure out what a Dominant or submissive is all about.  If you don’t get started the right way, you’re going to waste a lot of time and effort as you try to create a Dom/sub lifestyle.  But dominance and submission is just one aspect of BDSM.  What’s the best way to quickly start putting it all into practice? This guide covers everything you need to know.  Enjoy!

*If you want to help your partner be more dominant, submissive, or kinky, be sure to check out my new workshop.*

Beginner Guide Bdsm Dom Sub Dominant Submissive Submission

BDSM is an acronym for bondage and discipline (B&D), dominance and submission (D&S), and sadism and masochism (S&M)

B- Bondage

Bondage is one of the fundamental aspects of a Dominant/submissive relationship.  It may seem like just a kinky fetish, but real sexual gratification comes from bondage. The pleasure is derived from rendering the restrained person vulnerable to a variety of sex acts.

Read more:  8 Ways to Enjoy Bondage (Click here)

D- Discipline

Every Dominant/submissive relationship has to have discipline and punishments. After all, no sub is perfect.  Correction is needed from time to time when they break the rules.  Doms need to know how to punish effectively though, because subs can feel neglected when it isn’t done in the proper way.

Read more:  How to Punish a Sub Effectively (Click here)

D- Dominance (Dom)

In the BDSM world, “Dominant” is a word that’s thrown around a lot.  Being a Dom can seem very appealing.  Most are men who want to be more dominant in bed, but also in their relationships, and even in life in general.  But unfortunately, there are a lot of fake doms out there who are not worthy of submission.  Therefore, make sure you know what it truly means to be a real Dom.

Read more:  The Ultimate Guide to Being a Dominant (Click here)

S- Submission (Sub)

Serving a Dominant is a very fulfilling lifestyle.  However, many submissive beginners are lost.  They don’t know what the role entails.  Many times they are just looking for someone to fix them, to make them feel more complete.  In all honesty though, being a sub is a lot of work, mentally, emotionally, and sexually.  Make sure you know what it truly means to be a good sub.

Read more:  The Ultimate Guide to Being a Submissive (Click here)

S- Sadism

Sadism involves getting pleasure form inflicting pain, suffering, or humiliation on someone else.  When practicing sadism, always keep and respect the three principles of SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual).  This is what separates BDSM from criminal abuse or neurotic, psychopathic behavior.  Have fun, but make sure to always play responsibly.

Read more:  The Ultimate Guide to a Safe BDSM Lifestyle (Click here)

M- Masochism

Even if you enjoy receiving pain or being humiliated, it has to be done with a sound mind.  One of the best ways to make sure you’re not just engaging in self-destructive behavior is to set limits. Even if you don’t have a BDSM partner yet, it’s good to have your boundaries clear in mind so you’ll be prepared when you’re ready to start playing.

Read more: Limits: Learn What’s Hard and Soft (Click here)


Now that we’ve gone over everything the BDSM acronym stands for, you may now be wondering, How do I get started in the lifestyle?

Check out: How to Go from Vanilla to BDSM and kink (Click here)

If you’re totally ready to start playing now, but you don’t have a partner yet, no problem!

Check out: Exactly What to Do When You Don’t Have a Partner (Click here)

Lastly, if you’re a beginner and want to really become a satisfied full-time Dom or sub, make sure you subscribe to my FREE newsletter to get access to exclusive content I don’t share here on the blog.  Click here to sign up for the free newsletter

Being a beginner is an exciting time on your BDSM journey.  Remember, you shouldn’t compare where you are and where someone else is in practicing the lifestyle.  Be proud of yourself for being a beginner and continue to use this guide and educate yourself as much as you can.  In time, you’ll be an experienced Dom or sub, and will be able to help other beginners on their journey as well. 🖤

If you could tell beginners one thing about being in the BDSM community what would it be?  Let me know in the comments below.

Keep reading:  Newbie myths you need to stop believing >>