Sexually dominant dom man

The Ultimate Guide to Being a Dominant

In the BDSM world, “Dominant” is a word that’s thrown around a lot.  Being a Dom can seem very appealing.  Most are men who want to be more dominant sexually in bed, but also in their relationships, and even in life in general.  Unfortunately, there are a lot of fake Doms out there.  How can you make sure you’re not acting like one?  Or if you’re a submissive, what should you look for in a Dom?  Let’s consider what it truly means to be a real Dom.

Sexually dominant dom man

What a Dominant isn’t

To start, let’s focus on some of the warning signs of a bad or fake dom.  If they focus more on what they are getting than what they are giving that is a huge clue.  Of course the nature of a Dom can be somewhat selfish but they should always make sure that the sub is satisfied not just sexually, but emotionally and physically too.  Many new Doms latch onto the idea of getting sucked whenever they want, even in the beginning of new relationships.  But just like any relationship, trust needs to be earned.  A fake dom may say things like, “You’re not really a sub,” or, “A good sub would do XYZ.”  If you’re a sub, don’t fall for it.  And if you’re a Dom, don’t say things like that unless the sub consents to being talked to that way.  Real emotional harm can be done.

What is a Dom?

The definition of a Dominant is an important, powerful person who likes to be in charge.  They crave obedience and need to be in control.  They tend to be the “Alpha Male,” and that is why “Dom” is always spelled with a capital while “sub” is always lowercase.  A Dominant can take on many different roles such as:

They strive to exercise control in all things, not just over their sub sexually.  This means that they have order in their own personal lives.  It is not uncommon for a Dom to have an obsessive-compulsive personality. They take great pride in the health of their bodies, their homes, vehicles, and jobs, knowing these all reflect on them. The Dom takes responsibility for the wellbeing and the proper training, guidance, and discipline of their sub.  The Dom also maintains a stable and safe environment in which their sub may perform their duties in service of the Dom.

Challenges to being Dominant

Doms are not perfect; they will mess up from time to time.  They can still apologize without appearing weak by just admitting what they did wrong and what they will do to fix it.  Doms shouldn’t lose their temper.  They can get mad and angry but they should always strive to be in control.  Another challenge a Dom may face is going against society’s rules of being kind and gentle towards women.  They’re supposed to be the “nice guy.”  Many men find it hard to be assertive in bed because of this.  They may feel guilty always taking, but a Dom needs to remember that subs want and need to be used sexually.  That doesn’t mean that a Dom can’t be giving in bed, but just being more assertive in that part of the relationship will help them fulfill their role.  Ways a Dom can do this are:

  • Holding their sub down during sex
  • Tying up their sub in bed so they are restrained
  • Telling their sub what to do sexually instead of asking
  • Delaying their sub’s orgasm to show they are in control of it

One challenge my Daddy said he had to overcome was being afraid he was being too strict and hard on me with punishments.  To be honest I don’t think he’s ever gone too far.  I know that if I ever did feel that way that is what safewords and my journal are for.  If anything, I think I get off too easily sometimes.

How to be more Dominant

A Dom’s body language and speech need to be powerful and in control. They should also look the part.  They don’t have to be a Christian Grey, but they should be fit, have good hygiene, be well dressed, and not sloppy. Doms should have good posture and stand tall, being above the sub, often making them sit below them or kneel.  A Dom should also talk confidently and be direct.  They wouldn’t ask, “Where would you like to go to dinner?”  They would say, “I’m taking you out to dinner.  Pick a place.”  One of my favorite things my Daddy does is tell me to make him coffee.  When we were vanilla he would ask me, “Do you think you can make me coffee please?”  Now he just tells me to do it and it always puts a smile on my face to perform this simple task for him.

How does a Dom train a sub?

Training a sub is a lot of work and not to be taken lightly.  It is a very rewarding process though. When a Dom trains a sub they are molding them to be a better version of themselves.  Behavior modification is achieved through maintaining structure and order.  Subs thrive on a set routine and rules and protocols can help a Dom provide that.  The sub should keep a journal so the Dom can get inside their head.  Punishments are usually necessary to help guide and correct them.  It takes constant effort, but It is a beautiful thing when the sub becomes exactly what the Dom desires.

True Dominance is not just a role, it is a way of life.  Being a Dominant means they are held to a higher standard, but it is all worth it.  They will receive the ultimate gift of a sub’s willing submission.  ♥

What challenges have you or your partner faced with being a Dom? Let me know in the comments.

Keep Reading:  The Ultimate Guide to Being a Submissive »

23 thoughts on “The Ultimate Guide to Being a Dominant”

  1. I’m a somewhat experienced submissive ….. I was trained by a sadist who I affectionately call My Creator . Now I’m in a new relationship taking sub classes getting deep in my art. I recently became involved with a Daddy Dom who really doesn’t understand but is almost there … Is there a way I can help him? I’m not a switch but I do try to guide him which takes away from my little time. 😕

    1. Felicia,
      That’s good that you’re wanting to help your Daddy to be a better Dom, and to go about it the right way. If you don’t want to switch or come across as “topping from the bottom”, I think the best thing is to guide him through your journal. You can write freely there anything you want him to improve or work on, and he can read it for advice. It never leaves your journal, so you can still stay in your roles and keep your little time. Once you write it and he reads it, you can act like it never happened. It’s kind of like a safe place for you to break character. I think you both will really benefit from that, and I have more ideas for what to write in your journal here. I wish you the best on your BDSM journey!

  2. My husband approached me a week ago about him being my sub..I didn’t know much about this lifestyle…he has completely done a 180 on how he behaves and things he does for me around the house..and we’ve had crazy intense sex…he works full time and I stay home with 2 young kids with 2 others in school…I find the last couple days been hectic more than usual and I don’t have any energy to do anything with him…other than get him to do some things around the house and cuddle…being in this lifestyle with the added stress of kids I’m worried I am.not going to be able to be a good Dom to him…can you give me any tips based on our busy life to make this easier and so I don’t feel like I’m.neglecting him..?? Thanks

    1. Hi Sophia! Being a Domme can be hard when you have a busy life, but you’re not alone. Talk to your husband about what he thinks will help him to not feel neglected. You can also check out my tips here. Keep working at it, and I can’t wait to hear what progress you make in the future!

  3. Is it necessary to train before becoming a Dom/sub? It sounds like a basic question but a answer would be highly appreciated- Rose

    1. Hi Rose! That’s an excellent question. I wouldn’t say that training is mandatory, but being educated in the BDSM lifestyle is definitely a must. There are a lot of risks physically, mentally, and emotionally if you’re not trained properly. If someone isn’t trained, I recommend for them to start really slowly and learn as much as they can, taking baby steps. This goes for both Doms and subs.

  4. Hello,
    I have been seeing a gentleman now for close to two years. He expressed to me with in the first 6 months how he was into dom/sub relationships. (Him being the Dom)
    I am completely new to this! Now after having read your article I see he may have been slowly training me leading up to be his sub. The other night I went against his wishes and told him “No!” After him having given an order.
    He has expressed to me since the days following that my actions have made him question whether I am for him.
    Now after having more insight on what being a submissive entails I want to try harder to please my sir.
    Any suggestions on how to approach him in a way that is respectful but doesnt break my boundaries as a submissive but still get my concerns across?
    Thank you in advance

    1. Hi Bree! It’s very important as a submissive to be able to express yourself freely. In this situation probably the best way to do it would be to write him a respectful letter. As a Dom it would be his job to listen to you, but also to put forth the effort to train you. Keep communicating with him, and I wish you the best!

  5. My husband of 22 years and Dom of 2 years, had an affair and was a Dom to another woman (who it sounds to me was manipulative and topping from the bottom). But the fact that I am no longer the only one to have been his sub, breaks my heart. I no longer want to willingly submit to him. He doesn’t deserve that respect, -he put his wants over my needs. When I told him, he said he no longer wants to have sex with me. What are your thoughts on cheating Doms?

    1. First of all, I am so sorry this happened to you. No one should ever have to go through that.

      I feel that if a “Dom” cheats, then it is a sign that they are probably not a real Dom. Or at least, they have too much they need to be working on personally before they can control another person. After all, they couldn’t even control themselves.

      While I don’t know your husband personally, I think it seems a little unreasonable and childish to withhold sex because you are not submitting to him. Again, kind of another sign he may not be a real Dom.

      You can both read this article about how a good Dom should act, but it seems like he needs to realize he screwed up, and has to earn your submission back. That is going to have to take patience on his part, and a lot of work repairing your marriage.

      Stay strong. 🖤

  6. I am in a new relationship with a female, and we both have expressed our interest into a Dom/sub relationship. I find it difficult for myself to be a Dom at times, because I recently lost my job and have been struggling to find work. I want to be a good Dom, but right now it’s slightly mentally taxing. My sub has expressed that she feels I am a great Dom and make her feel very good about herself and her role as a sub, but I don’t personally feel that way. Is my sub just being a good sub by telling me that I’m doing a great job still, or could she actually be telling the truth? I apologize if this seems confusing or improbably to warrant an answer. Any info would be much appreciated though, because we are both still somewhat new to this lifestyle! Keep up the articles, they’re very informative and very helpful!

  7. Thank you for this. My wife and I want to try this lifestyle and we are reading all your articles on your site. If we have questions is there a place we can ask? Thanks again for all this info!!

  8. Hi Alesandra – I may be going about this wrong – there is a young woman who says that she loves being submissive, completely. I told her that I would do some studying and research – because I really like her, and this lifestyle is actually very appealing to me. I don’t want to disappoint, but I understand that she also may not ultimately be a fit. I have to learn SO much…lol.

    Is the training helpful, and is it something that I will have time to do? I’m extremely busy with work.

    Anyway, I appreciate any help you can give me.

    1. Hi Daniel! Congratulations on getting into the lifestyle. I think Dom Sub Training would definitely benefit you, because you’ll get interactive coaching and practical advice for living the Dom/sub lifestyle. Plus you get to be surrounded and supported by people like you. And the good thing about the course is that after you enroll, you have lifetime access to it and it’s completely self-paced.  So you can always come back to it when you have time.

      It’s worked for hundreds of members, and I’d love to have you join us if I offer the course again in the future.

      Take care!

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