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The Ultimate Guide to Being a Submissive

Submissive girl collar sub woman

Serving a Dominant is a very fulfilling lifestyle.  However, many submissive beginners are lost.  They don’t know what the role entails.  Many times they are just looking for someone to fix them, to make them feel more complete.  In all honesty though, being a sub is a lot of work, mentally, emotionally, and sexually.  How can they successfully meet the challenge?  Let’s consider what it truly means to be a good sub.

I have a FREE cheatsheet for you to help put these ideas into practice! Click the button below to get it right now.

What a submissive isn’t

First and foremost, a sub is not a doormat.  They have feelings and needs and so they shouldn’t serve apathetically or reluctantly.  A real Dom wouldn’t want a doormat anyway.  They want someone who truly desires to be owned.  Being a sub also isn’t consenting to being abused.  Unlike BDSM, abuse has no limits or safewords.  If you are a sub, be very careful not to give your submission to just anyone.  True submission has to be earned first.  There are many bad Doms out there, and even predators pretending to be Doms.

What is a sub?

The definition of a submissive is an obedient, compliant person who likes to give up control.  They crave being used and need to serve.  They are the subservient partner of a relationship and that is why “sub” is always spelled with a lowercase while “Dom” is always capital.  A submissive can take on many different roles such as:

They strive to please their Dom in all things, not just sexually.  This means that they may have to give up some of their own personal freedoms and preferences.  It is not uncommon for a sub to have a mild and quiet personality. They are obedient, and accept discipline when needed.  Subs aim to conduct themselves  in a respectful and modest manner at all times, recognizing that their behavior is a direct reflection on their Dom.

Challenges to being submissive

Subs are not perfect; they will mess up from time to time.  There’s also the fact that in a 24/7 relationship there are stressors like full-time jobs and children.  It can be hard to work on behavior modification and serving someone else when you are tired and pressed for time.  Also a test to many is being obedient even when not in the presence of their Dom.  One challenge I have had to overcome as a submissive is topping from the bottom.  In the beginning I would rebel a little, or try to subtly undermine my Dom’s decisions.  I’ve learned that instead the best and simplest response I can give is, “Yes, Daddy.”  In the end it makes both of our lives so much easier.

How to be more submissive

A sub should always remember that they should be making their Dom’s life easier, not harder.  Proactively thinking what the Dom  needs in any given moment, and fulfilling it will bring him great pleasure.  One of the greatest ways a sub can do this is sexually of course, and so submitting to any requested act within one’s contract is a must.  They should also try to obey rules to the best of their ability, but if discipline is necessary they should take it willingly.  Wearing a collar, even a discreet one in public, can help keep a sub in the slave mindset.  They are property owned by someone else, and as such they are a representation of their Dom.  This will cause a sub to take great pride in the health and presentation of their bodies.  Ways they can do this are:

  • Getting sufficient sleep
  • Exercising regularly
  • Eating a healthy diet
  • Dressing properly
  • Having good hygiene and grooming

True submission is not just a role, it is a way of life.  Being a submissive means they are held to a higher standard, but it is all worth it.  They will receive the ultimate gift of a Dom’s complete approval.  ♥

What challenges have you or your partner faced with being a sub? Let me know in the comments.

Keep reading:  The Ultimate Guide to Being a Dominant »

41 thoughts on “The Ultimate Guide to Being a Submissive”

        1. Great question, Erica! Being a sub is not always easy so it’s normal to have rebellious feelings every once in a while. When they start to pop up try to remember that your job is to please your Dom, and think about the consequences of rebelling. You can also journal your rebellious thoughts instead of acting on them.

  1. Thanks for this info. As a sub I struggle with being a sub outside of the bedroom. I’m a confident, independent strong person but I love pleasing Sir in the bedroom. I’ve fought very hard to be the person that I am today. Being completely subservient feels like a betrayal to that battle and the person I’m now proud to be. Any advice for carrying that over to the everyday?

    1. Thank you so much for reading! It can be hard to take the submissive personality out of the bedroom and into everyday life. You can still be a confident, independent, and strong individual and still be a sub. Just remember: you are not weak. You are the one choosing this lifestyle for yourself. Your submission is a gift that only you have the power to give. If being completely subservient feels too scary at first, start small. Work on keeping your words and demeanor respectful to your Master. Give hime the opportunity to make choices for you. I’m sure you will see how empowering choosing to obey is. It will get easier with time, and soon you will begin to crave more and more. I hope this helps, and thanks again for stopping by!

      1. I would really like to know more if you can tell me more im a beginner sub and I don’t know what im doing I just what to make my master happy

        1. Hi Alora! That’s awesome you’re wanting learn more so you can make your Master happy. Make sure to sign up for the “How to be a Good Sub” cheat sheet in this article. You can also check out the “Dom Sub Training” eCourse to help you be a better sub. Thank you for visiting!

    2. Georgia, I too struggle with this. I’ve been out of the lifestyle for a while, and was much less goal-oriented and successful than I am now. It was easier to be a sub when I was not so confident and independent. I’m trying to remember I do this in order to relinquish control BECAUSE I feel too in control in my work life. I do it to feel owned because it fills a hole in my life, to feel someone depends on me entirely for their pleasure because I feel whole when I please someone. It’s a daily struggle, but that’s part of why I do it as well, because I like a challenge.

  2. I really enjoyed reading this. I was out of the life style for awhile but then met a man with similar desires and much knowledge. I am finding it hard to go back to the role while we are apart but as with anything I know this takes time to accomplish. Thank you for this article..

    1. Angie,
      Thank you so much for your comment! It can be very hard to stay in our role as a submissive, and you’re right that it will take time. What matters most is that you don’t give up and that you keep trying to give your Dom your best. I’m happy for you to be back in the lifestyle again. 🖤

  3. It was very hard for me. Im in learning process my Dom make me a face bondage and I had a panic atack. It was very hard heard from my Dom you fail. Now we are working on it but was so hard it was my first training. any recommendations?

    1. Face bondage can be really hard. I recommend trial runs where you practice your safeword so you know you can get out of it as soon as you need to. Slowly increase your time. If it still gives you panic attacks it may be something that is a hard limit for you. And that is completely OK! A good Dom may push your limits, but they would also know when limits should not be pushed.

  4. Hi I’m new to being a sub also my Dom who is my partner of 2 years who is also new to being a Dom we have a contact , but we had a break when he got into being a ddlg now she is his sub .. as I said we have our hard soft limits some things I know she likes he has done to me like choking and face slapping as I’ve said that’s not on my list .. am I right to tell him this ?
    Then he sent a photo of a woman taped in gafftape saying sir would rather me to thst Can I tell him I don’t want to do it if it’s not in my hard soft limits. Any advice is welcome

    1. Sharon, of course you can tell him you don’t want to do it! It doesn’t have to be an official hard or soft limit. Especially when a couple is new things may come up that aren’t in your original contract. And a contract isn’t meant to cover every single act. You can verbally tell him it’s a hard limit, or use your safeword when he brings it up. Explain to him why you don’t want to do it. As a Dom, he should respect that.

  5. Hi, I’m trying to get into the lifestyle but I don’t know the first steps I should take. Do you have any advice? I’m really interested and have done some research and I feel like it would be the lifestyle for me. Thanks in advanced!

    1. Hi Meghan! Getting started in the lifestyle can be challenging, but you’re not alone! The above article and cheat sheet can help you get into the mindset and help you focus on your new identity. If you want to progress more you can find a partner to start enjoying the lifestyle more fully. I have tips plus step-by-step guides in my structured training program, Dom Sub Training. It can help you find a genuine partner and make BDSM a way of life. Keep working at it, and I can’t wait to hear what progress you make in the future!

  6. I’m enjoying your blog! My Sir and I have been livinga Dom/sub 24/7 lifestyle for three years now and we love it! I have one comment to the other female subs who are worried about losing their strong, independent personality, and that is to know that the sub is the one with the control in these relationships. So although you are doing anything your Dom asks of you within your limits and your goal is to make him happy, you get to determine what your limits are and then let him surprise you from there and satisfy your needs too! And I have one question, will you be blogging about how to get your groove back when you hit a rocky patch as life occasionally throws at you? We recently went through a rocky patch because of family stuff, not our relationship, but it took a toll on our D/s life. Thankfully we’re getting back on track, but it was hard to find information on that while we were going through it. Thanks!

    1. I’m so glad you’re enjoying the blog! Thank you for your kind advice for other subs. You’re definitely right that a submissive has a lot of control in a BDSM relationship.

      To answer your question: Recovering from a rough patch would be a great article! I’ll keep that one in mind. Congratulations with getting back on track though. Don’t give up!

  7. Hey! I have finally found the right Dom for me! Which is great… I’ve not had very good experiences in the past and neither has he… we live an hour away and with work commitments can only see each other every 2 weeks. It’s a fairly new relationship. He in the past has experienced more vanilla with a bit of kink … and mine have been all kink not an ounce of vanilla… do you have any advice on bringing the 2 together?

    1. Hi Lisa!

      Vanilla and kink can definitely be brought together! You both are just going to have to go slow and communicate. You and your Dom can make a list about what you like about kink and what you like about vanilla and see if you like any of the same things. In the beginning you may have to compromise a little though. But one thing you could do is switch. Have one night vanilla, and the next night kinky. And who knows? Overtime he may become more kinky than vanilla. 🖤

  8. From a Dom’s point …one of the things that I have found and still working on is my sub is in need of someone that she can talk to..I realize this is a personal decision but the few friends she has trusted enough to tell them who and what she is …seem to snub her . The worse part is she is an ex-mormon and with children..we do not live together but I am with her every day…There use to be a site of like minded people but the sub of that site has died and the site is no longer available…we are constantly looking for local groups but nothing that has come up as of yet…Guess I’m just rambling..Thanks for the listen.

    1. Thank you so much for your insight as a Dom. You’re totally right that a sub needs someone to talk to and feel comfortable with. Hopefully there will be more acceptance of the lifestyle someday.

  9. Hi! I have a couple of questions, i’m A submissive and at times my dom feels that I am topping from bottom, I hold my hands up recently i’ve Been a complete brat, I don’t want to be I just am. I know part of the reason is because I want my masters attention. But over the last six months it’s been really hard we are struggling with most things. And we are both struggling with depression due to the events currently happening. What can I do myself to try and improve my own behaviour because currently I feel like nothing but worthless and a failure! At this moment in the time I am not a worthy submissive for my master and it breaks my heart

    1. Raven, you are not worthless or a failure. Every sub is a work in progress, and part of your behavior could also be a result of your Dom’s training, or lack thereof. You both can take a look at 3 Signs of Topping from the Bottom for tips on not being such a complete brat. I understand that part of the reason can be to get your Master’s attention but effectively communicating with him is a more effective strategy. Keep talking about it with your Dom, and also writing in your journal. Don’t give up! 🖤

  10. My husband and I want a Dom sub relationship and he wants me to obey what he says. I’m not always ok with this but I am trying. I do want this but I struggle with being a sub outside of the bedroom. Do I have to ask him to do anything I want or just do as asked if asked? I’m really confused on how to start being a sub for my husband. Do I have to call him master all the time or is there other better words? We are both new to this and trying to understand. I like being punished and I used to try to antagonize him so i would be punished but that just made him angry. Please help me.

    1. Hi Cristina! The best person to ask about how you should act is your Dom. Your goal as a sub is to please and serve him. Ask him what he wants to be called, how often you should ask for permission, etc. It really is up to him and what he wants, as long as you feel safe and comfortable.

      1. Thank you. If there is any tips you could give to a new sub what would they be? We are trying to do this while traveling and we find it hard to know how to start this kind of a relationship.

        1. My tips for newbies is to familiarize yourself with the basics of the Dom and sub roles, and implementing what will work in your situation. I also recommend getting a contract started, and checking in together once a week to see what’s working and what’s not. And remember to have fun!

  11. Any tips on not being bratty when you are sick or not feeling well? This is my current struggle. I just want to do me and not listen because I don’t feel well.

  12. I am so happy to find you and your blog.
    Thank you, thank you, thank you.
    I want to be a good sub. And I am new to this. However, it’s quite amazing how my personality and lifestyle before finding my Master, so much aligns.

  13. So happy to find you and this blog. Great info! I am a new sub and an older sub…just discovering the real me! My Dom is new as well. I want to please him all the time, but he has a stressful job and sometimes like to lash out at me and says hurtful things. When I call him out on it and am honest about how much what he’s said has hurt me, he says I’m not being a good sub and I’m topping from the bottom. Is this true? Should he be able to say things that emotionally hurt me and not be allowed to state my feelings on the matter? Please advise!

    1. Hi Stacy. Topping from the Bottom is an issue you can read about here. But you’re right that you should be able to talk about your feelings with him when you’re emotionally hurt. It might be that how you’re communicating with him about it can be making him get defensive, so just make sure you are being respectful. Telling a Dom respectfully how you feel hurt when they do something doesn’t mean you’re not being a good sub. A good Dom would understand that.

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