Submissive girl collar sub woman

The Ultimate Guide to Being a Submissive

Submissive girl collar sub woman

Serving a Dominant is a very fulfilling lifestyle.  However, many submissive beginners are lost.  They don’t know what the BDSM role entails.  Many times they are just looking for someone to fix them, to make them feel complete.  But being a sub is a lot of work.  Physically, mentally, and sexually.  How can you successfully meet the challenge?  Let’s consider what it truly means to be a good sub.

I have a FREE cheatsheet for you to help put these ideas into practice! Click the button below to get it right now.

What a submissive isn’t

First and foremost, a sub is not a doormat.  They have feelings and needs and so they shouldn’t serve apathetically or reluctantly.  A real Dom wouldn’t want a doormat anyway.  They want someone who truly desires to be owned.

Being a sub also isn’t consenting to being abused.  Unlike BDSM, abuse has no limits or safewords.  If you are a sub, be very careful not to give your submission to just anyone.  True submission has to be earned first.  There are many bad Doms out there, and even predators pretending to be Doms.

What is a sub?

The definition of a submissive is an obedient, compliant person who likes to give up control.  They crave being used and need to serve.  They are the subservient partner of a relationship and that is why “sub” is always spelled with a lowercase while “Dom” is always capital.  A submissive can take on many different roles such as:

They strive to please their Dom in all things, not just sexually.  This means that they may have to give up some of their own personal freedoms and preferences.

It is not uncommon for a sub to have a mild and quiet personality. They are obedient, and accept discipline when needed.  Subs aim to conduct themselves  in a respectful and modest manner at all times, recognizing that their behavior is a direct reflection on their Dom.

Challenges to being submissive

Subs are not perfect; they will mess up from time to time.  There’s also the fact that in a 24/7 relationship there are stressors like full-time jobs and children.  It can be hard to work on behavior modification and serving someone else when you are tired and pressed for time.

Also a test to many is being obedient even when not in the presence of their Dom.

One challenge I have had to overcome as a submissive is topping from the bottom.  In the beginning I would rebel a little, or try to subtly undermine my Dom’s decisions.  I’ve learned that instead the best and simplest response I can give is, “Yes, Daddy.”  In the end it makes both of our lives so much easier.

How to be more submissive

A sub should always remember that they should be making their Dom’s life easier, not harder.  Proactively thinking what the Dom  needs in any given moment, and fulfilling it will bring him great pleasure.

One of the greatest ways a sub can do this is sexually of course, and so submitting to any requested act within one’s contract is a must.  They should also try to obey rules to the best of their ability, but if discipline is necessary they should take it willingly.

Wearing a collar, even a discreet one in public, can help keep a sub in the slave mindset.  They are property owned by someone else, and as such they are a representation of their Dom.  This will cause a sub to take great pride in the health and presentation of their bodies.  Ways they can do this are:

  • Getting sufficient sleep
  • Exercising regularly
  • Eating a healthy diet
  • Dressing properly
  • Having good hygiene and grooming

True submission is not just a role, it is a way of life.  Being a submissive means they are held to a higher standard, but it is all worth it.  They will receive the ultimate gift of a Dom’s complete approval.  ♥

What challenges have you or your partner faced with being a sub? Let me know in the comments.

Keep reading:  The Ultimate Guide to Being a Dominant »

104 thoughts on “The Ultimate Guide to Being a Submissive”

          1. My Dom found me on a dating site. So was not expecting it. But now I know, he was what I had needed. So thankful that I did not swipe left! Would have missed out on an amazing opportunity!

    1. Hello, I am a sub and I’ve been with my Dom for 2 years and I will say at the beginning of our relationship I felt like I was a better sub and general life/work did hinder that. But this year I took a secret vow to serve better, I’ve been allowing myself to give in more, to listen better to suggestions and when he’s not around I’ve been challenging myself to see things more his way. It’s honestly helped me more at my job and motivated me to be the best I can be especially since I have a hard time with depression/ptsd. I feel more fulfilled seeing him so pleased with me when I do a good job.

      1. Hello, I was wondering how to became a better sub with detail. I don’t want to lose who I am as a person I’m free and sarcastic. My dom and I don’t want to lose that. So how does it work being who I am along with being a good sub. I’m really trying to make it work but I need help.

    2. Thank you … yes have been in around and deeply involved in the leather/boot/SM/BD scenes, and there is always a craving for more…lots more. submitted to some excellent MASTERS too !!

  1. Thanks for this info. As a sub I struggle with being a sub outside of the bedroom. I’m a confident, independent strong person but I love pleasing Sir in the bedroom. I’ve fought very hard to be the person that I am today. Being completely subservient feels like a betrayal to that battle and the person I’m now proud to be.

    1. Thank you so much for reading! It can be hard to take the submissive personality out of the bedroom and into everyday life. You can still be a confident, independent, and strong individual and still be a sub. Just remember: you are not weak. You are the one choosing this lifestyle for yourself. Your submission is a gift that only you have the power to give. If being completely subservient feels too scary at first, start small. Work on keeping your words and demeanor respectful to your Master. Give hime the opportunity to make choices for you. I’m sure you will see how empowering choosing to obey is. It will get easier with time, and soon you will begin to crave more and more. I hope this helps, and thanks again for stopping by!

      1. I would really like to know more if you can tell me more im a beginner sub and I don’t know what im doing I just what to make my master happy

        1. Hi Alora! That’s awesome you’re wanting learn more so you can make your Master happy. Make sure to sign up for the “How to be a Good Sub” cheat sheet in this article. You can also check out the “Dom Sub Training” eCourse to help you be a better sub. Thank you for visiting!

    2. Georgia, I too struggle with this. I’ve been out of the lifestyle for a while, and was much less goal-oriented and successful than I am now. It was easier to be a sub when I was not so confident and independent. I’m trying to remember I do this in order to relinquish control BECAUSE I feel too in control in my work life. I do it to feel owned because it fills a hole in my life, to feel someone depends on me entirely for their pleasure because I feel whole when I please someone. It’s a daily struggle, but that’s part of why I do it as well, because I like a challenge.

  2. I really enjoyed reading this. I was out of the life style for awhile but then met a man with similar desires and much knowledge. I am finding it hard to go back to the role while we are apart but as with anything I know this takes time to accomplish. Thank you for this article..

    1. Angie,
      Thank you so much for your comment! It can be very hard to stay in our role as a submissive, and you’re right that it will take time. What matters most is that you don’t give up and that you keep trying to give your Dom your best. I’m happy for you to be back in the lifestyle again. 🖤

    1. So I have been with my master for six years. We started the Dom/sub lifestyle right before we got married and have been on and off with it for three years which is how long we have been married. I used to love it but since I had out little girl in August of last year the desire has plummeted. My master wants consistency which is understandable but I find it hard to juggle it all. I have tried to talk to Master about it but I feel like I just make him feel like I just don’t want to please him anymore.

      1. As a parent of four myself, I have been where you are.

        Your Master is having trouble adapting to the parental role, and isn’t (yet) willing to scale back on the dominance. The fact that he isn’t willing to discuss this with you is a serious red flag. He got used to having your service 24/7 and now has to share you.

        One thing I know that parental D/s couples do is schedule weekends where the offspring is cared for while the couple goes away to a “neutral” site to resume their roles.

        I would suggest that you consider arranging such a weekend. You go into your roles, let him get back into his comfortably, and then humbly ask to talk to him. If he doesn’t agree to allow this, another red flag.

        If he does agree, offer future weekends of this nature. Promise to be the best sub you can be, and then follow through.

        Also offer to submit anytime the parental role can be set aside for a few hours. You will have to work out how to communicate this opportunity and how to accept it.

        Your skills as a loving sub will be heavily taxed. If you pull it off, the rewards will have been worth the effort.

        I wish you all the luck and best wishes in the world.

  3. Hi, I’m trying to get into the lifestyle but I don’t know the first steps I should take. Do you have any advice? I’m really interested and have done some research and I feel like it would be the lifestyle for me. Thanks in advanced!

    1. Hi Meghan! Getting started in the lifestyle can be challenging, but you’re not alone! The above article and cheat sheet can help you get into the mindset and help you focus on your new identity. If you want to progress more you can find a partner to start enjoying the lifestyle more fully. I have tips plus step-by-step guides in my structured training program, Dom Sub Training. It can help you find a genuine partner and make BDSM a way of life. Keep working at it, and I can’t wait to hear what progress you make in the future!

  4. I’m enjoying your blog! My Sir and I have been livinga Dom/sub 24/7 lifestyle for three years now and we love it! I have one comment to the other female subs who are worried about losing their strong, independent personality, and that is to know that the sub is the one with the control in these relationships. So although you are doing anything your Dom asks of you within your limits and your goal is to make him happy, you get to determine what your limits are and then let him surprise you from there and satisfy your needs too!

  5. From a Dom’s point …one of the things that I have found and still working on is my sub is in need of someone that she can talk to..I realize this is a personal decision but the few friends she has trusted enough to tell them who and what she is …seem to snub her . The worse part is she is an ex-mormon and with children..we do not live together but I am with her every day…There use to be a site of like minded people but the sub of that site has died and the site is no longer available…we are constantly looking for local groups but nothing that has come up as of yet…Guess I’m just rambling..Thanks for the listen.

    1. Thank you so much for your insight as a Dom. You’re totally right that a sub needs someone to talk to and feel comfortable with. Hopefully there will be more acceptance of the lifestyle someday.

      1. A sub should always feel comfortable being able to talk to the dom. It shouldn’t ever be a issue. I am a dom with my sub/wife of 30 yrs. she is able to talk to me about anything on her mind. I don’t stop her. Communication between dom/sub is key to succeeding in the lifestyle.

  6. I am so happy to find you and your blog.
    Thank you, thank you, thank you.
    I want to be a good sub. And I am new to this. However, it’s quite amazing how my personality and lifestyle before finding my Master, so much aligns.

  7. So happy to find you and this blog. Great info! I am a new sub and an older sub…just discovering the real me! My Dom is new as well. I want to please him all the time, but he has a stressful job and sometimes like to lash out at me and says hurtful things. When I call him out on it and am honest about how much what he’s said has hurt me, he says I’m not being a good sub and I’m topping from the bottom.

    1. Hi Stacy. Topping from the Bottom is an issue you can read about here. But you’re right that you should be able to talk about your feelings with him when you’re emotionally hurt. It might be that how you’re communicating with him about it can be making him get defensive, so just make sure you are being respectful. Telling a Dom respectfully how you feel hurt when they do something doesn’t mean you’re not being a good sub. A good Dom would understand that.

    2. is he doing it in sex as a degrader or sadist, and it turns him on or in your regular interaction? Topping from the bottom is different than speaking up because someone is hurting you. A good dom is there to better you and please you, not abuse you. Being dominated is not being abused and treated like you’re below him. If anyone is hurting you (as in not giving you pleasure), he isn’t doing it right. A good dom is also humble, generous and kind, wants to know how you feel so he can make you happy, and allows you express yourself without getting emotional. Hope you can express yourself and he strives to become a better dom, good luck!

  8. I’m learning to be master sub very slowly. One of my biggest problems is that I do not like the word no and have trouble obeying when told no. I have the wanting to please and be owned by master qualities but I struggle with giving up complete control as I have always been a control freak which is one of the many reasons my Master and I choose this lifestyle is to help me give up control.

    1. Hi Cristina! I completely understand that it can be hard to give up control. You can read the tips for topping from the bottom to help you. Being comfortable with giving up control will take some time, so try to be patient and focus on how being obedient benefits you and your relationship.

    1. Sure, Stacey! Make sure you figure out first WHY you want to be a submissive, and what you hope to get out of it. In the beginning, it’s best to focus on the basics, and you can check those out here. Take it very slow, and remember to have fun!

  9. Please help me as clarity. I’m considering entering a Dom/Sub dynamic. I haven’t been offered a collar and I’m not 100% sure I’d accept. Would being used sexually be the acts of a slave? Would something like that be considered for a little? I know it all depends on the contract and understanding.

  10. Unlike most of the previous replies, i am male with a female dom. She is so special, funny, caring, sexy yet tough and demanding. The intimacy and trust levels we achieve thru her bdsm domination of me are incredible. Unfortunately we live some distance apart, but when we do get together the connection is electric. I am constantly thinking ways to try and please her and show my loyalty.
    I respect her and dont want to appear a pest by texting and calling all the time. Any suggestion on how to help maintain a long distance D/s relationship for both our benefit.

  11. No matter how hard I try I’m very self conscious. So when my Dom wants me to do something different that I haven’t done before I shut off and just get very self conscious and embarrassed. I know that confidence comes with time but I don’t want to let him down as a sub. And I don’t feel like I’m doing a good job being a sub either.

    1. A lot of subs feel that way, Erin. The best way to get over being self-conscious is to remember that your #1 job is to focus on your Dom, and not yourself. You can even have a mantra to repeat when you feel your self-esteem dropping. Keep working at it, and I know you’ll get there! 🖤

  12. Hello, I recently started being a sub. And I have to tell you that….I thought that I was the only one who loved this way of life. Thanks for this article it is really helpful!!

  13. Im in a s/D relationship where my Dom is new and I have been in the lifestyle for about 20 years. We’ve been exploring lots of sexual experiences but I crave so much more. I have stated several times that s/D is not only sexual and I am getting frustrated that he does not give me tasks that please him other than simple sexual pleasures or clothing he wants me to wear. I have to continually try and anticipate what would please him, which is exhausting and I end up being a brat which only gets me spankings. Can you give any suggestions that would help me, help him to carry over his dominance into our vanilla aspects of the relationship? He is very willing to learn and grow but I do not want to force him, I love when he is and explores his dominance over me and wish so much that he would break out of the mindset that he is being a jerk for demands or punishment tasks.

    1. That’s a really common issue. There can be a couple reasons whey he’s not bringing D/s into other aspects of your relationship:

      1. He doesn’t know HOW to incorporate it into the rest of your relationship. Guys especially sometimes need things spelled out for them and lots of examples. Give him some ideas of tasks you’d be interested in. You can also share this article about rituals with him.

      2. He’s happy with just keeping it in the bedroom. Being a Dom (and assigning and enforcing tasks) is a lot of work. He may say he wants to learn and try but a Dom has to be self-motivated and take the lead. He may just like the kinky sex, and being a lifestyle Dom may not be for him.

      Share with him what you think, and if he still isn’t taking the initiative, it may be time for you to reevaluate what you want out of the relationship.

      1. Thanks so much. I read another few articles and the one you mentioned. I took it upon myself to start a journal that He can read at will. I actually wrote my first entry and have to say it is so much easier to write about these things than to have discussions. I know it involves a lot of work for Dom’s to be in charge and do the things they do, it would be tiring to constantly have your sub on your mind. But having someone know/learn the things that please you; I think would be easy…. Maybe there is a happy medium somewhere and this journal is the start of something wonderful. Thanks for the advice Kinky Abby, I really appreciate it.

  14. Thank you for all your amazing articles!
    I’m just embarking on the journey of being a sub and I have found a Dom that I really like and really want to please. We don’t live on the same continent but I’m going to spend some time with Him at the end of the month to start my training. I must admit I’m a little bit anxious as I’m completely new to this but it has been a fantasy for a while. Any advice on how to deal with fears and lack of confidence when you’re just starting? Thanks!

    1. Hi Lunaa! Remember to stay in the moment. Worrying about the future will not help you to serve your Dom. And be kind to yourself! If you’re not feeling confident, remember that you’re just learning and starting on your journey and that’s OK. 😉

  15. Hi .. i’m an old male submissive with a difference .. I adore to be sodomised by men while people watch.
    I am not attracted to men in the slightest .. it’s the being watched and that delicious feeling of being ‘violated’ in front of witnesses that I adore.
    I’m not really certain what ‘category’ this puts me in ..
    I like your blog .. keep it up

    1. Don’t feel like you have to categorize or label yourself, Jimbo. Knowing our likes and dislikes is the most important thing. But you might have some “switch” qualities. You can read more about it here.

  16. My husband and I will be celebrating 10 yrs in Feb and a month ago made the decision to be a 24/7 D/s couple he collared my which was the happiest I’ve been in yrs!!!!! But I’m having problems finding “us” if you understand what I mean? Im struggleing to know exactly how to be the best sub. We have a 13 yr old daughter who is never away from us and time alone to cummacate is scarce. Can you help me??

    1. Congrats on your anniversary, Annice, and for starting a D/s relationship with your husband! That’s very exciting. Struggling to be a good sub while dealing with teenage children can be frustrating. Be sure to check out Dom Sub Training, we cover both of those issues in detail so you can focus on enjoying the BDSM lifestyle. 😉

  17. I am new to being a sub I have always had it in me but it just took the right man to bring it out of me. Well my dom has a problem with my attitude and with my smart mouth I have learned how to control it in some aspects but it still creates problems at certain times I’m used to being alone and being able to say whatever I want when I want but he is not having it and I don’t want him to leave how do I change that and keep him happy?

  18. I’ve been training as a pup for about one and a half years, still have much to learn. I was timid at first so we started small, it wasn’t even physical at first, my alpha introduced me to the D/s dynamic with video games, I would play a heal or support role and they would tank, and I was rewarded for doing a good job and behaving, and criticized for performing poorly, eventually we got more comfortable and started raising the stakes and eventually having physical sessions.

  19. I was in what I thought was a submissive role in my past but now I see was being abused. I have since been talking with a Master and I am struggling with His written assignments. We have not met yet.

    Master says I am giving text book answers and not from my own heart. He wants me in position (humble) and to describe my thoughts with questions He specifically asks. Like how i feel spiritually, emotionally, sexually, physically and mentally about me being his slave.

    I’m trying to answer right from no experience of what He is looking for. He made it clear that any punishment I would give to myself and He would decide what counted.

    I want to please Master. Any help would be appreciated. He has 28 yrs experience.

  20. I am new to the lifestyle and finally found a real Dom. He is a Daddy and we are going by the book so to speak because of my inexperience. I have found though I love the thought of submitting to him I have a brat side to me. I am NEVER disrespectful but love to push. Love to bring out the DD side of him. I am fearful I will be too much for him.

  21. One of the things I struggle with is the way my Master makes me feel. I get lost in him, in my need to service him. When he is near, I am a puddle, and I sink into subspace at the sound of his voice. I have difficulty with this for a number of reasons. It is not in my nature to give of myself so fully and I wonder if I am giving too much.

    I would appreciated your thoughts on the notion of Dom/sub gravity and the concerns associated with over-inflating your Dom’s importance in your life.

  22. Hi I’m in a ddlg relationship and it’s long distance as well and my partner and I have been together for months now and I can’t seem to stop breaking rules and he doesn’t understand why I can’t listen to him and neither can I because I’m trying not to break the rules but it just seems impossible and I know he’s getting impatient that I can’t listen to him and follow the rules.

  23. Hi,
    Gosh I feel like I am 23yo again about to lose my virginity AGAIN. After 8 years alone I have been approached by a new someone to enter into a D/s relationship. Never having even read 50 Shades of anything or seen the movie or even having any thoughts on the subject, I have no idea where to start apart from maybe picking my chin off the floor. I have been maneuvering your site and thank you for being here but I really do not know where to start still. Should I be saying Yep lets do this, am I insolent in wanting to ask lots of questions? HELP!!! I am about to turn 50 so I have been committed over the last 12 months to staring my life from scratch and am trepidacious though completely open to the thought of this sort of relationship being a new way of living. Ok I am now ranting apologies. But thanks for being in amongst the confusion

  24. My X husband changed to be a submissive person . Not what I could ever imagine / I never expected this . He was always mistreating me when we were married

  25. I have been with my Sir for around 18 months.i am collared by Him.like you I also occasionally have an issue with topping from the bottom.i am a very strong and independent woman with a great career.may I ask how you overcame this issue?

  26. Hi. I am considering a relationship as a sub. The Dom has asked me to make sure I really want this. The thing is he gets me mentally on some strange plane of thought that I didn’t think anyone else could get. I like that, but it makes me emotional, thus harder to make a decision. I have no experience with this, in fact have always had to be the one in control and have no idea of what all is expected of me. I really want love. Is love a thing a Dom can have for the sub? I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster not knowing which way is up or down.

      1. Thank you. I guess I am just afraid of getting into something where I will remain unloved. Can you tell me generic things that most Doms want from their subs? He keeps saying he wants me to be sure I want it, but when I ask what the conditions are he seems to busy to explain. Thanks!

        1. No problem, Sunny! Be sure to download the free contract here for a general idea of what most Doms expect. But if he’s not taking the time to explain the set conditions with you that’s highly unusual, and kind of a red flag. You can read more about that here. Stay safe!

  27. 1st make sure you want to do this. 2nd KNOW WHAT THE DOM WANTS AND WHAT YOU WANT!!!!! 3rd talk it out and come to an agreement that is mutual for both 4th HAVE A SAFE WORD!!! Use it to stop what ever is going on should be no recourse for doing so.

  28. Hi I have a dom and sometimes I want to tell him that I just want a minute to myself since with the quarantine we have been doing it 24/7 and I love it I do but I miss having a little bit of time to myself and I want to tell him but I can’t because then he will be upset with me and then I feel guilty for it. I can’t even tell him if we can do the thing he wants me to do the next day because he got upset with me.

  29. Hi when you say” sub should always remember that they should be making their Dom’s life easier, not harder” how does that work in relation if you are a brat? Not that I am but I am interested in your answer? Thanks so much the articles are great and so informative!

  30. Hi
    I’m very new to all of the BDSM lifestyle and trying to find my place.
    Can a sub make a potential Dom work for it? Make him earn my submission?

    1. That’s a great question, Camdl! I think most Doms should earn the sub’s submission. You could have requirements that have to be met first. You can also check out this article for tips dealing with potential Doms. Have fun and be safe!

  31. Hey there,
    I just recently found this site a couple days ago and I feel like having to say ‘thank you’ a lot to you, since me reading this site helped clearing up many misconceptions I had over what BDSM truly was and, more importantly, what it entailed.
    Since I mostly read a lot from Sadists/ Masochists who view Sadomaso as a must in any kind of relationship, I had a lot of doubts over my rather sub orientarion as a male, since I definitely do not enjoy being in extreme/ a huge amount of pain simply for the amusement of someone/ as an unnecessary punishment.
    You gave me a rather clear vision of what should be a good relationship (i. e. Contracts, SSC, hard limits, effective punishments outside/inside a scene), and I am extremely grateful for that, as I was able to calm my mind, feeling a lot calmer now than in at least 3 years!

  32. I am really glad I found this blog. There is a lot of information that I want to know. I am not a sub yet but I want to be. I want to have a Master and serve him but I feel with being a single mother I wouldn’t be able to be a good sub.

  33. I have kind of fallen into a submissive role with my (very) long term partner. I think he may be reluctant to admit that he’s a Dom, but he definitely, respectfully and naturaly, is taking on that role. This has all happened so quickly and we are both enjoying this new phase of our sexual relationship,but it has come about because I kissed another guy. Maybe I did this because I wanted to be punished.

  34. Thank you so much for this,I’ve been trying to find out how to be a good sub and educate myself on this type of lifestyle this has really helped me a lot, thank you❤️

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *